Tom Branch - Roads of Faith

Twice during my teenage years I was sent to the hospital, 28 day programs, for anger management and depression. Thirteen years later I see that anger is still lurking around. Weather it be frustrations, or even from guilt of past sins, it still lurks. A box has been opened that I thought was closed pushed back in the corner collecting dust.

I finished one another book tonight. It was a very good book and I hope to go back over a few chapters of it as it really stood out. Is it happy news? Not by societies standards no but it's something to ponder over that may be of God.

It seems there are some truths that no matter how dark still need to be accepted.

Marriage:
I was reading in another blog today about marriage. Getting what we deserve - by Lorie king and even some from Grace - By Bobby Gilles and seeing that even relationships and being with I guess godly people (I may be wrong on this part) is not something we deserve. I know I do not deserve marriage. I have always wanted to but with pride, anger, lust, and just some more maturing spiritually that I need to do, I know I would make a bad husband and hopefully father. Same with God, I do not deserve, but it is Grace that applies here as well as a spiritual life. I never thought of it like that before.

Grace:
Settling for less I at times jump with joy about grace and leave it at that. Which is wrong and makes me more undeserving. Tonight I read:

Unfortunately, there are many who do not want to be saved from their sins; they only want to be saved from hell

And this messes with me. Do I believe this, maybe not, yet I do feel this is how I am acting and living at times. William Barclay said:

Grace is not only a gift; it is a grave responsibility. A man cannot go on living the life he lived before he met Jesus Christ. He must be clothed in a new purity and a new holiness and a new goodness. The door is open, but the door is not open to the sinner to come and remain a sinner, but for the sinner to come and become a saint.

Once again some very convicting stuff. Grace does give us much and ask us much. Just as the Righteousness of Christ does. Yet I tend to follow this back to pride blocking me from this.

Pride/Not letting go:
I do tend to hold onto a lot of things and have so many traps set for myself I fall into a lot. Like anger and pride. Most of my sins and self-centered ness comes back to pride. But not letting go seems to be a big issue for me as well.

"You know the commandments, 'DO NOT MURDER, DO NOT COMMIT ADULTERY, DO NOT STEAL, DO NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS, Do not defraud, HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER.'"

And he said to Him, "Teacher, I have kept all these things from my youth up."

Looking at him, Jesus felt a love for him and said to him, "One thing you lack: go and sell all you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me."

But at these words he was saddened, and he went away grieving, for he was one who owned much property.

And Jesus, looking around, said to His disciples, "How hard it will be for those who are wealthy to enter the kingdom of God!" (Mark 10:19-23 NASB)

I to have much into things, whether in property or behaviors, thoughts, feelings, etc they have become idols I guess. I don't think they are idols I worship but they have become things I do not want to give up or find rather very difficult to give up for Christ. In my heart I try to hold on to them and rationalize the need for them etc. Not letting go for him. It is like falling face down and laying it all before the cross, I can't. I fall down yes but there is still a knee up. And that seems to be pride.

I am going back and facing much that still seem to be a part of me. i am glad to know that they are coming out into the light now. They are the hidden blocks keeping me from a closer relationship with god, and they are weighing me down further into sin and slavery.

I have been asking where is my heart for quite some time now. And it's starting to become obvious. I seemingly are getting torn between two things the process of sanctification and evangelism. I am going through this process by the grace of God and facing may things going through a change. And while I am getting help and working through this life changing season, I am also wanting to go deeper into the lives of others for Christ. I do not now how Christ-like I seem to others but I do want to get into maybe prison ministries of some type, helping runaways and even at the shelter, Jeff Street, I am wanting to get things in deeper. Start doing for God rather than feeding the hunger I have to help others. And this is where I am torn.

And why worry about a speck in your friend's eye[a] when you have a log in your own? (Matthew 7:3 NLT)

Can I truly be there for others while I am still going through these changes and sinning the same sins? It makes me feel I am a hypocrite if I do while I am not perfect and going through issues myself. It's just shallow and empty and I do not want to appear either.

The road is going to get bumpier and this is a good thing. It needs to be. I will be facing many truths no matter how dark, I will be facing many things from my past and more. From my favorite movie "The Never Ending Story" there was a second Oracle, the Southern Oracle where it was a mirror and you saw who you really were inside, as many courageous found they were cowards, heroes found they were villains etc. Who will I see on the other side of the mirror?

My prayers have been off and on over these last few days. But taking the time at night with this wonderful weather, it has gotten me thinking again. One day I hope that I can lay it all at the cross and let go of all this baggage. Just to one day give it all up without holding on to it. My heart calls out, and my mind plugs my ears so that I not hear it always. Actually it does a real poor job of plugging my ears so I still hear some of it, muffled but I make out most of it.

Well hurricanes, car wrecks, friends sick relatives, rain....those are not my problems, but I feel the sadness with them all. Ok well maybe the rain was a part of mine too.

But tonight I got to really get into a nice discussion to see how I am rebellious to God's will and all that fun stuff. I never thought of myself a rebel but I am. In stead of seeking god for tha comfrot and peace I seek it other ways, rebelling against him for the here and now. So this will be much more for me to ponder.

Tonight went by so much better. I have the fan bringing in air from outside and it feels wonderful. Its almost energizing. Feels great.

It also feels great no matter how much we forget god, he does not forget about us, and loves to remind us. Which is better always knowing of his love, or the feelings we have when we realize it all over again?

Tonight I said:
"Pride is like the hallway with all the doors in the Matrix 2, behind every door a sin, and every door leads back to this one halll way of pride, they all come from here"

And I have been tagged, oh what can this mean? It's fun so I thought I would try it out....

5 things I miss about childhood
1.) The 80s's rock and hair bands....thanks Bon Jovi and Poison for getting me hooked
2.) The transformers cartoons...not this new stuff, which I will not say the bad words I want to call it:)
3.) The innocence
4.) My grandparents
5.) The old cartoons, the good stuff like Voltron...the Lions not the cars.

Well over the last day or two I have been sorta out of it. Been frustrated, in pain, and in a funk. Realy unproductive, even after I got stuff done. So am I doing ok, yeah I am. No I am not. I am not ok yet I am ok.

I am in a funk, just feel off. Just really off track off, well everything. Off centered. I have had heartburn, my gout is flaring up again, gassy, frustrated, headaches, etc. I have physicallyu been out of it.

Now my friend Brandon is in it worse and he is keeping better spirits than I am and his step-father is going through kidney failure...i think. So it's hard on him right now so he really has been off. And yet my stuff is many bad choices. No contest, he needs prayers more than me. In fact I wished I could give him my prayers. I have and will be praying for him.

Even right now outside its pretty, my air is off for the first time all summer. And I can't enjoy it. I guess even though I am doing ok, I really am in internally and spiritually. Becasue I am not. I just feel disconnected from alot and in pain right now, physically that is.

Time to look at the frustrations and anger within.

Today while I was at the shelter I I had a feeling grow, a set of feeligns that has been gorwing but now is much louder...why don't I take this chance and minister to these men?

There is one guy who goes often to this I think it's a club but itsclub unsuitable for let's say a family. And inside I am like, that's not a good place for him to be going to. This is just one example where I want to do more than just be the internet guy. Maybe get closer and able to talk to them more and have maybe a bible study online or something.

Maybe even just listen to them, who knows I might learn something. They are people as well as I am one.

I do need to leanr alot about leading people to God or of things godly, I can only plant the seed, it is god who will provide the water and growth. I need to learn patience I really do. Sometimes it gets me, and gets me bad.

Sometimes whne I slow down and listen, my heart tells me things. I only want to serve and know I am living by gods will and not my own. I do not always know. Some days Im on fire and others Im in the clouds. Life right now is a renewed adventure. Things are really different for the first time that I can ever recall. It's not all peaches 'n fun but it works. Life is coming own to some serious tug-of-war for my old self or self really for the renwed self. Some stains do not want to remove, others stay for a long time, sometimes you have to bleach it two or three times.

Who am I? Doesn't matter, it's what or who God wansts me to be. Until I know who I am, for now I am, well only one peson is that so I am , yet am not!

I hope I don't mess thigns up too bad so that I can go home net weekend. That and I hope the hurricane does not mess things up either. WHo knows, but a good few days off with family might do me some real good this year.

Ok yesterday was full of detours and bad things all around. Today I am where I wanted to be yesterday. I still feel somewhat dissapointed but maybe today I can get some stuff done. SO that way I can get some sense of accomplishment. I feel pretty bad that yesterday went down so badly. Let's say that one freaking screw messed me up considerably, I did not go to chruch, I did do laundry, I did go to a cook-out, My computers almost did not work and that's where I left off yesterday.

Now while it was down I did think of how dependant I am on this computer. It has become mroe than a tool. But so much is done on it. Both good, bad, and just plain lazy stuff. Maybe it was an oemn to back down and seek other venues etc. But considering this is where my skills are for making money I cna't really seem to back away form it cold turkey like that. But ti does need some serious clean up.

But it did make me plenty angry and frustrated last night being down.

As far as things go spiritually, I have been out of it for the last two days. Just not completely there. I think I need to get with someone and try to focus in again. I hate how I can be so deep into everything, then get side tracked again and be back off...well I am not off but I am not giving as much as I was. And that bothers me.

I still need to sit down and go over a few things from relationships, women, Galations 5:16-66 (i think), and reflect upon some sermons I listend to this weekend. That and try dealing with maybe I am an angry man. Lotts built up frustrations and such.

Well as I try to do today all that I wanted yesterday, we shall see. I just hope that my budget works out so that I can go home this weekend, see family and chill out away form it all.

OK this boils my blood every time I hear this and see things like this. In Smyrna, a town southeast of Nashville, a small town I used to live in, I mean country town. There was a protest from a Church in Kansas. If I read it correctly they came from Kansas just to protest at two soldiers funerals.

They are protesting that the war is God's way of being angry that we harbor gays in the military. SO they were carrying the "God hates fags" signs etc. Ok now in faith I take it that getting angry is not a good thing and wanting something to occur....I want to shout. I want to hog tie up each and everyone of them that claim to be christian doing this....yes hogtie, gag, bound, them all put them in a room full of the most homosexual of them all and preach to them. Yes give them god back on the terms of the ones they hate so much. OK now that I said that I have to work on that....no need for anger of this magnitude...or is there?

First off they are doing this at the funerals. You do not do this at a funeral!!! Let the family greif. A human died. The ones that died were not gay, at least no mention if they were or not. They just wanted to protest at soldiers funerals. They said when the righeous hear this they will rejoice! What a load of ............(insert many expletives here).

Ok let's see the issues at hand here. Homosexuality, ok this seems to be a heated debate at times. Yet we cannot hate them. Love thy neighbor right? Ok love is patient, love is kind, love keeps no record of wrong. So if my neighbor is gay am I supposed to shout God hates him and say he is going to hell? No. Even the bible speaks of talking seasoned with salt. So be nice to them, love them as I would love a straight person.

Ok now there are many groups out there that dis-like these christian movements. This does not look good for anybody. What angers me more? A non-believer making all sorts of statements contrary to the faith or Christians doing wrong and not what they preach? Or taking this attitude that we are right and they are wrong. Why is this? There si so much separation among the Christian faith alone how can anyone know that this is the right choice? There is one bible but thousands of flavors of Christianity. I hate the far-wingers, far left and far right. The extremes are causing troubles, the regular ones and the middle of the road work together and things tend to get done a wee bit better.

It just boiled my blood to see far-right-wing Christians come up and preach something wrong...even if they were not wrong they did it such poor timing in the worst of times. To be honest I wished there were straight bashing by the gays they speak out against. I am just talking and venting right now. I do not wish this to happen. I just see Christians behaving very contrary to the teachings of Christ and it irks me. There is more logic to this I know but...I dunno.

Tolerance is one thing we do not seem to be teaching these days. It goes too far or too little, not very often is it right in the middle. As in we have NO tolerance for gays (the people I speak of), to we have tolerance for gays (it is an acceptable lifestyle and its perfectly ok to be gay), yet we never seem to have a middle ground where as it's ok that you are gay but it does say here in the bible, it is god's will for you to...but still say ya know what yes you are gay, that's fine and I am ok with that, god may not be ok with that but you are human like I am, guess what you are gay and I am not but ya know what, we are not much different, why you ask because we are BOTH sinners.

SO I guess that gays are on our team, we are on theres as well as murderess, rapists, thieves, liars, presidents, mothers, daughters, judges, prisoners, the pope, martin luther king jr., ok I might be going over board with the names but we are all sinners that fall short of the glory of God.

The protesting Christians that bear the "God hates fags" signs are on the same side as those who the persecute. We all are. This is where I should pray for them. This is hard to do as I want them to know how angry this makes me. Nothing righteous about this. Even at that say that they died because god is angry about the gays in the military sounds very judgmental on God himself doesn't it? We don ot know God well enough to claim as such do we? God also loves.

The middle ground os going away, far left and far right takes over. Christians battling other Christians, pride runs wild everywhere no one is safe from it anymore. There are many out there who do not like Christians, I think I am more ok with them than they who are these Christians getting all up on a high horse.

You know the best thing I like about Christ. While he was here, well other than the sacrifice he made, but that is so deep it may take a long time to understand it completely, but the fact he was not exalted, he was low, he talked to the sinners, he talked to the ones other regarded as bad, he was down in the muck with the rest of us. He was peaceful, he was kind, he was straight forward too. More so than the miracles he performed, this is what I love about him the most. He was man while man exalted themselves above what they were.

Thinking about this has taken away much of the anger I had while writing this entry. Yes it may be wrong of them to protest in this manner as being homosexual is just as wrong as fighting in a war, and just as wrong when I cuss and swear. So I cannot really be mad at them. I can only pray.

I would love to have a time machine and go back in time to see Christ for one day walking the earth. Yet I guess I will have to wait a few more years or however long and make preparations to see him on the other side of the clouds.

OK well I got the storm but not during my nap time grrr that sucks. Right now there is a storm of thoughts running through my mind. So I am trying to find a good chrstian streamin radio station. I feel like screaming as I feel somewhat lost, but frustrated. Not at being lost, but just the inner turmoil going on back and forth.

I think there are a few rules that I need to sit down and get them on paper and start living by them. Not trying to be leagalistic but looking at certain triggers that get me doing certain things. Today I was so lazy beyond beleif. And for that I am frustrated. Sense of accomplishment is very low. I so do not want to be at work right now, I want to be home reading and praying. And I have to work.....grrrrr. I want to cry and scream.

So what is up? I don't know. Tomorrow will be a make up day for the lack of production today. I think its time I talk to someone again, too much has built up. I want to scream. A war cry scream.

Yesterday I got some great news that had me in a very productive state at work. There is a photographers position opened at work. This is very RARE as they almost never come open. If anything it was a great opportunity to at least get my foot in the door. Even if I don't get the position I at least know that I tried and took the first steps. Which is so far just as fulfilling. I do hope I get it but for now it's all good.

I have realized even though I really want to be there and help some people out I can only help so much. And that is when I need to take it to God in prayer. I can't help after minds get closed off at some point. But I can still be a great friend, as great as one can be. I usually get upset that i cannot reach through to folks like this. But that is once again another time that i tend to take things into my own powers rather than relying on Gods.

I still seem to not look upon others with equal eyes. And treat them differently than I should. Why can't I treat everyone like people? I guess there is more to work on and getting over this selfish pride.

Also this summer I seemed to have developed feelings for a friend. But now God has answered me and really enlightened me on the issue. I need to be her friend. That's what she needs right now. And my desires and feelings for her might have been taking away from the same for God. I wasn't doing for him as much as I should have. I don't think that is all there is to the answer, but I know for now it is time to realize I too need space for growth and if anything ever gets serious I need to know that whatever woman that comes into my life for that role, must be strong in faith, and equal in the walk. I can't always be a leader. But I do always want to be a friend. But I do not want to diminish what I have for Christ.

Actually I think I might later do a whole blog on relationships and God. Well about my quest to find a special someone and then Christ at the same time. There is plenty more for me to learn and grow into before anything of that magnitude can occur.

Anyways that's a topic for another time. But for now things are still going well. There are still many issues I am working through on understanding them.

I guess today was like coming back to the next episode. Ya know not a to be continued... or anything like that. It was like the show went off and then the next day I tuned in to watch a new episode of.

That is a good way of explaining today. I have spent some time reading but later I will be in prayer. The book I am reading now is a very good book. It's not treating things on the surface it is getting deeper than that. Still generic in some areas but it backs up so much in biblical mandate....if thats the word I am looking for.

Its a book about Lust and it goes beyond that. Its not a book about lust....the word that so many seem to attack. I cannot really explain it as too many thoughts are running through my mind and heart right now.

But I fell asleep reading it earlier and now I don't want to put it down, except when I pick up the bible and read verses that were referenced. It seems that over the last few days things have started to come to light and get clarified.

Righteousness:
I have had an issue with this very much so. How can I continually be given the "Righteousness" of Christ when I sin and will continue doing so? This frustrated me almost. But like the "on" switch being flipped I saw things in a different way....no God showed me, otherwise I do not know how I ever came to this thought.......Righteousness is not only a given and a command, yet it is ALSO encouraging and empowering to know that yes I fall but God still wants to give me this gift, that he still trusts me enough to be given another chance. It's like the cool kid giving the not-so-cool kid his leather jacket, everyone looked down upon the not-so-cool kid but after that he felt better, Wow Mr. Cool thinks I am cool enough for this jacket!!! God loves us enough to give it to us!!! I hope this is not a bad way of looking at it.

Sin:
I am a sinner, a super sinner, come on down and I will give you a multitude of sins for the price of one, me. Well There is a deal I can get rid of all my sins for the price of one, Christ. The deal has already been made but I don't wanna seem to fork over the property in the terms of agreement.
I have more than I thought, Lust, Greed, Envy, Pride, ok there are three more I might was well start sinning in those ways to complete the set....then again, No.

Weakness:
I am a weak Christian. I know that I fall yes but I fall into many of my own traps or into the same ones. Knowing that I am weak is a great, wonderful, and awesome things.....this is the opportunity to draw towards Christ's ways and to God. But this is also where I take the easy way out and parade fantasies of life and day dream rather than take it to prayer.

In fact it is a combination of all these things that I have had many sins come to surface. Pride and Envy being the newest ones really. They snuck in under the radar when I was too busy looking at shame and guilt and the other big ones that I forgot those.

Today felt different for most of the day. I cannot say what or how I felt other than different, contempt almost. But it seems that God has something working internally within me through his grace, mercy, and enabling power.

In sermon one of the points were to become honest and telling the truth. For me this was facing the past rather than holding onto it. All I know is there is alot going on spiritually right now for me. For that I am greatful and even though there are many questions I don't want it to stop. I hope that I do not become contempt with things and stop seeking.

I can go on for hours, but I think I will stop here for now.

Oh yeah and here are the sins that surfaced last night I want to share:

I am a terrible sinner I have many

I am a weak Christian as I give myself over to many unwise choices and sins. nor do I take up opportunities like I should because of doubt and fear.

I am a jealous man as I get when I see others advancing or doing with while I do without, either family, fiends, better jobs, etc...not to big on the materialistic side, but the relational side I tend to be...so Envy, yes I am envious I guess would be safe to say.

I am very selfish as lust and greed run wild with my self-centered life and heart....it must be, maybe not completely but there is enough to support this I feel.

I am a very prideful person as well and tend to look down upon others who are not on the same page, while there may be safety in this, I do not take those opportunities to minister or fight the fight, I simply look them down lower than I and look away from them, I write them off rather than trying to bring them home to God.

This has been a very well I don't even know the words to use to describe the last few days. SOmuch has come to light for me to deal with. Last ngiht I did have a good confesisonal prayer after I did the math on everything. Most every sin was realted to the other. The list does seem to be growing, then again the closer I draw to go the more I find out about these things. The more it comes to light and surface. It is a great time, yet it is a tryig and learning time.

As many times I have seen one, as many times I have heard about it in a hymnal, as many times as I have heard “lay it at the cross” my hears go deaf. It's everywhere as a river flooding the streets the beautiful waters that started with the flooding became so polluted and brown now from dirt and filth and more.

And today it touched me. It is greater than I ever knew. And now to take up my cross...I am frightened to be honest. It really does symbolize the death of self. Much more than words or saying it, but it is heavy.

I was reading and saw how prideful I am, in fact several kinds of pride and confirmed that my desires, well sins and such stem from self centered life. This was of course very convicting but the part I read about the cross hit me much harder, deeper, I feel almost a tear building up in my heart.

The cross has become such a symbol in todays culture and christian culture. Yes this is where Jesus died, up on the mount, all is well, such a bad thing turned into the greatest thing ever yadda yadda yadda.

How in the..hell can I look at this again in the same way. Yes hell was appropriately used as these thoughts,....well there is more, oh so much more to it.

This is form what I read, it was a quote from A.W. Tozer

The old cross is a symbol of death. It stands for the abrupt, violent end of a human being. The man in Roman times who took up his cross and started down the road had already said good-bye to his friends. He was not coming back. He was going out to have it ended. The cross made no compromise, modified nothing, spared nothing; it slew all of the man, completely and for good. It did not try to keep on good terms with its victim. It struck cruel and hard, and when it had finished its work, the man was no more.

I am still horrified over this. This is what Christ went through? The cross a very unforgiving symbol and this is how he went out? And when all was said and done he was no more. Even to symbolically pick up and carry our cross is to loose ourselves. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. (Matthew 16:25 KJV).

Truly can we call up all our friends, tell them our goodbye's and tell them we are picking up our cross so that we can be put to death of our selves completely for the sake of Christ? Looking upon the cross in this light really has me thinking in greater detail that I am not used to thinking in. Can the cross kill me? And bring forth new life. Yes it can. Does this new life happen on this side of the clouds? That I do not know.

My cross is heavy and to be Christ like I may have to really try harder on these things. The end of an old era and the ushering in of a new. This is larger and deeper than I ever thought.

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3:16-19 NIV)

I am still recovering from yesterday. The sermon was great and there is so much that tied in to my meeting prior to sermon. I read the bible a few times, and even did some serious prayer twice. And I need more of this.

In prayers I have been getting more open and facing things. I am facing several sins that I know about or even don't know of. So far there are two that know of my darkest sin. And it looks like there is a prayer answered as soon I may get to embark on a challenging journey to look deeper than the surface sins and look deeper into my heart.

I still cannot believe that I am so self conceited that I put myself higher than the “punk kids at fas-food joints” this is not the right attitude for a christian. Who we are called to be loving and caring and spread the word yet I stay away from these folks as I deem them below me etc. This could have been a chance to show someone Christ.

I guess a part of this is the fact I am still very weak, then I may always be weak on this side of the clouds. Yet I know that i can still be drug down, I do not feel secure enough in my faith that I am strong enough to advertise correctly. In fact that might not even be the best words for it either.

In the sermon notes there was a question for reflection:
Am I simply acknowledging that I need to change and I want to change or am I wholly trusting in Christ?

It's all getting very convicting...am I trusting enough in and of Christ? More to work through I guess. So much more to work through.

Today was a very convicting day. A few things were pointed out to me about how I look at people. I cannot run from the fact I am a sinner as I viewed some people ( an age range, typoical fast-food worker) and judged them. Wrote them off in a way to say. And what if that is the only time they get to see one in christ? They may be lost souls and I do nothing but think of them bad and stay away.

Well I guess Lust has been a surface issue and I might as well add Pride there too. It's under the radar more than Lust has been for me. Lust I know is there has an onn/off/ switch....sorta.....but pride really is stealthy. I do not see it and then before I know it, it is in my face.

Greed, I guess would be an offshoot of pride for me. I am not contempt with what I do have. Am I serving? SOme motivations are off balance yes, but typically my heart seems to be somewhere near the right place.

And why is it that when I am wrapped up in this sin and guilt that I feel isolated or away from others? WHy do I feel I do not deserve...well I don't deserve but why do I isolate myself on top of feeling isolated.

I am having an issue with God's grace and the rightousness of Christ....why do I get these every time I ask for forgiveness when in my heart I know that I am going to do them again? For somereason I am really having an issue with understanding this.

Ok before reading this post two movies need to be watched, well it can only add to the graphical content...Armegeddon and Apollo 13.

I was reading in the pnp (pen and paper) journal that I write in occasionaly just when I feel the need to physically write. And no typos there. See I can spell 99% of the time, typing is another story.

But the entry was in November, shortly after I started Sojourn and shortly after I moved into this apartment. I refered to life's new journey, well the events at the time, the Dark side of the moon. Looking back upon that, that's exactly what hapened. In Apollo 13 they rocketed around the moon, cold, dark, no power. Armegeddon they blasted at 13 g's for 11 minutes and made it around the moon. WHat they both saw is what I am seeing now. the Apollo 13 had to manually manuver the craft, they could not get an auto fixed spot of earth. It was there, the goal but it was moving close, to far, to right on target, to away again. I feel I am seeing that. Earth would be the man God is molding me into. The change, where I am going, point B.

Now Armegeddon had one huge friggin rock followed by many more rocks dark, sharp, jagged, and flying fast, having to dodge many of them. This would be sin, turmoil, dobts, life, everything keepiung me from that goal. ANd I have taken some hits and got thrown for a loop or two. sometimes it clears up but some more rocks come flying my way, some I see, others I don't. SO really here I am coming out on the other side of the moon. Many changes occuring and things are getting scary and mildly depressing with all the stress andpressures of two lives. Battling for my soul.

One side wins many battles but one is winning the war. In war it isnt winning all the battles. In fact you can win a minimal amount of battles before you win the war. Like the battle for a river...if you win that you cut off the enemies water supply. You may have lost a million battles but this one win, hurts the other side furhter.

This is where I am as sin, being a sinner it's going to happen, wins battle after battle. Yet with prayer, meditation, and help from others a river battle may be won while other battles are lost. It's the war record not battle record.

THings can really go either really great or really bad at this stage. I cannot get contempt and must continue looking towards God for resolve and guidance.

But seeing the goal a wee bit more clearly now, even through all the rocks, makes the fight even more worthy. The dark side of the moon has passed, now it's time to fly. Keep my heart on the goal and things will get there.

Just not sure whats up with today. Part of me just wants to hide in the bible and pray all day, take the elevator to heaven and sit at a coffee shop near the gates and talk to some folks. If they meet me there I'll buy.

Today is a much better day. Just alot in thought going on. I had a nice batch of insomnia last ngiht so I watched the Omega Code. It was a free download form the internet. But it was small and was not the best quality. But still enough to watch. Now it was all fantasy about the bible code stuff. But there is one lesson that can be learned and applied I whsed that I could do. it is the "faith of a child"

Only then can great things begin to occur. Accepting his will and all that good stuff. And giving up everything. I was thinking about that alot to seeing how many folks at sojourn we have in missions and some who make a life out of it and have nothing.

From what we see in the bible is who gives his life and has no possessions, well good things come to them. But my selfishness is hard to let go of. Don't know why as there are so many times I have had to go without...but now I cant say no...anyways that's such a larger issue at hand.

But thinking how much I could give up.....scares me. But right now I just want his will to be done. With feelings of love, frustrations, guilt, sorrow, and extreme joy crossing over into so many aspects of my life right now is well overwelming to an extent. Can this be considered a crossroad in life? Or for me a plate of spagetti with so many forks in the road. Hard to say which path goes where at this point.

But today is bettter. I am still working through the things pointed out to me in scripture, prayer, and emails. So still working through it. But seeing what I am fighting for...my soul, relationships, and more.

It's like one saying I always had, but now I think I have to revisit it...

"Never open the box unless you are ready to deal with the contents inside."

Well the box is ajar and it's time to finish opening up this puppy. How open shall things become?

Summer 2005...what a summer. This was now when I was wanting to graduate with a degree in photography. Anyways I am not going to start dwelling on failed dreams and desires. SO much has happened this summer in my walk. And now this is a time to reflect upon that.

Well in the spring I was able to get through so much with acocuntability. And the person I was doing it with had to go do a great many a things as well that's life. It was great becasue he got to help out with Billy Grahm crusade, go home, and more. But this left me with out weekly accountability for a while. I didnt sink and did some swimming. So all is well with that. In fact I am wanting to leave the safe waters and tread into the deerp unsafe waters.

So after the accountability I was still getting finances together. Then my car decided it needed alot of work. In fact so much I had to get a new car. I can afford it but things are tight. I didn't want to as I did not want any payments again for a while. so now I have a newer car and payments again. I need to pay this off so I can save money and get caught up on bills. I so want out of debt. Where am I now? Well I am trying to get a second job which is proving very unfruitful...in fact dead and barren. So I am going to have to make due with what I got.

Sins and behaviors...I have come to a point where I grow angry and frustrated with my sins. I am not upset with the slip ups or sins I do not realize I am doing, but the major ones where I do it over and over again. After some talking, meditation, and soul searching I have more recently viewed from a different angle that lust is a major sin in my life.

Masterbation.

Yes this is my sin. I do it and do it often. Now I know my weak points and when I do it...now yes sometimes when things are good and I guess my body has a nice chemical build up ok that I know I need to work on but the addictiveness of it where as I want to please myself etc this is a very bad root issue of this sin. In fact this same "doorway" is what allows the other sins get in my way and screw me up. I can not say no to myself.

This was the greatest discovery that came to light this summer...my inablilty to say no to even myself. I cannot deny myself. There in lies the challenge, the part that requires looking into. It all started with the second partnership meeting this summer. This was great as it gave me a chance to look back over the last few months and see where I was and where I am now. Needless to say it went well and I am soon going to be a partner with sojourn.

Don't start clapping and cheering yet. This sets the stage for why I am where I am now. I cannot keep doing these things. I really have to look into my heart and soul and start correcting my ways. I cannot continue living a double life. And at the end of the meeting I was asked if I had a problem with lust. I think I had made a small mention about it or someone mentioned it but the fact was I was asked right on the spot. And I am thankful that I was. I was able to identify it and say yes. I did not back out of it or lie or anything. SO I guess that was also a first step into seeing this as a problem. But the "L" word is not the sin...I feel it is the aftermath yes but not the source of the problem. SO this was a first step.

Now being who I am and helping out I did get called out in good terms for the help that I have been doing with Jeff Street. Which was good but I just wanted to keep on doing it. It is good to know that I am appreciated. But its not my work it;s what God has allowed me to do. And I really hope that I can get into it deeper than what I am now. I hope that it goes into a minstry and not just an internet lab.

Now summer accountability did take on a slightly different path. I met a friend over the internet...not a dating site, for the record I hate the connotation people have when they hear "met on the internet"...and she had very similar things happening to her that closey reflected where I was and am in my walk. She did not have anyone to talk to over a few things when she read or meditated. So I had told her I would be more than glad to if she wanted to. She could not belive what she heard. So this was a long distance accountability...more like a prayer/bible study partner. Now we have still had our times reflecting upon God but a freindship has grown out of it. So I don't know if accountability would be the appropriate word anymore. Needless to say it has been in my prayers alot these days.

Nowadays my prayer/bible reading life flip flops...I'll do one or the other but not both regularly.

So lets do a keyword recap of my summer

accountability, partnership, lust, masterbation, finances, friendships, lack of extra income, heavy burden os sins...

I think thats it in a nutsell. Oh and I did talk to my mom a time or two. I think I still have issues to deal with about that. My sins are moving deeper into my heart where the battle now lies. It does feel a war os being fought. I draw close to God but my past sins and perversions get to me.

I guess the process of sanctification is mortifying your sins. Well I have many of them. My greatest difficulty right now is forgiving myself for my past sins. And how can God keep taking me back all the time when I know I am going to do it again. I know that most every time when I masterbate its becasue I am bored, or frustrated etc...so instead of seeking God and his strength I walk away form him and seek elsewhere. I am a selfish...(insert explatives here). But my hear cries over this more and more each time I do this and more.

It hurts, knowing I don't deserve his forgiveness but knowing I can't make it without it. The road is a bit bumpy right now, but after kicking a rock or two out of the way it's easier to walk. but there are an awful lot of rocks!!!

Summer wrap up...where am I going from here? Going deeper into my heart and soul, seeking help from others in the walk. As it is not a one sin two sin issue, it is an issue of the heart on many fronts. I need to enlist others to fight with me and help me fight.

Also I have confessed my darkest sin to one. But I feel I need more to know. It was soething stupid I did as a child. But today it haunts me. I am burdened more and more to tell someone. But I am scared. Even though I know I shouldn't be.

That's enough rambling for now. I know from here things can only get better. The walk is about to go deeper. I look forward to it yet I am scared and not sure if I am ready to deal with it...but I know I am as I continue to become the Man God has made me and is calling me to become.

Ok so the previous entry may have been harsh, but I still plan on it.

FOr me sin is no longer what is right vs wrong. It is anything that seperates us from god and imbrues our souls

Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God. (2 Corinthians 7:1, NIV)

Yes you read the title correctly. I think I will break this down into several parts. As with my walk I do see all these words applying. As a double life, well past life all these words apply. SO for this being a faith based blog and dealing with such X-rated words, I may shock some folks. But I want this to stand out and bring to surface alot. I want this to be honest and real. No hiding.

Why? Because this touches my heart. This load is something that I feel is time for me to discuss. To sin, to many a master and away from one, to serving God, well ok I am raffling already.

To parallel this I will discuss the BDSM lifestyle and the Christian walk. Freedom vs bondage and slavery. Yes these are both two separate thoughts, but they are the same in many ways.

Have you ever had too many choices? Wow isn't that freedom great? No because now we are slave to the freedoms.

Have you ever wished for more freedom and sorrow filled you every day? Why it is also then when we are the most free. The decisions and choices have already been made for us so why not enjoy the ride?

Have you ever been taken with pride and wanted total control over everyone and everything? Have you ever wanted total domination? Yet you are dominated by that desire, you are owned and now owning.

Have you ever felt the need to inflict pain upon yourself? Do without to punish yourself? While the greatest sins and all small one were already paid for and punished? Yet we want to be punished?

Have you ever given up and given up all to someone? To a human weather it be out of love for them or just given up on yourself? Yet not giving up everything to God.

I hope this clears some of the shock up. I hope to focus in on this a lot more through the upcoming month or so.

We desire freedom while here on earth and yet are in bondage to the desire for freedom. When we give up that freedom we become in bondage to God's will and desires not our own.

So in conclusion BDSM is not just about sex. It is life.

The title means nothing in this post. Today was a boring dull do nothing day. Very eventless lazy day. I woke up so late I felt I could do and did do no good for the world or myself. I dunno why but when I wake up real late I can't do or get into doing anything.

I got an email from the lovely new parents this morning. Saw a pic and a video of the baby. He is so cute. I'm getting mushy I must be loosing my manhood who knows haha. Or I am changing into something greater. One day I would love to be a dad, husband and so much more. But that comes down to me wanting....and I still don't want to want anything but what God wants. This is what scares me.

My desires no matter how good or not how am I to know if they are mine or God's? I know God is no magician and will send a neon sign that says yes or no, and in his wisdom may allow something bad (what we have judges as bad) to go on for a long time as in his eyes it is good or yields a special results for him. So if these desires I am having, thoughts, dreams, goals, etc are supposed to be mine, are they mine now?

I'm not trying to be leagalistic but I am questioning everything. Much as a child does in young development. I am scared and frustrated. Everytime I sin and fail, not the small accident sins but the big ones (doing what I know is wrong, or not doing what I know I should etc) that guilt mounts up and works its way with me. It's a part of the process and journey this I know. But from what I feel is maybe things I have asked for are starting to happen, maybe this change is picking up speed, maybe I need to rise to action and use this time now. God may very well be calling me.

I think it is fear holding me back. Might be running in the background making things not work or shifts effort at inconvenient times. Some would say it's satan talking. It very well may be. Two sides are significantly here now. For a while it was so blended in. Now with God's grace stepped in as referee and started breaking it up. Yet as I now see both sides of the battle the tension mounts up so heavily there is some serious tension in the air. Bloddshed may happen. Yet it already has occured in one side. The clean side that appeals most is the one starting the war. The side covered in blood is the redeeming side. Tug of war and I am the peaice of tape on the rope. One side to the other. Well I am on one side but the other gives a good tug closer back.

I am ok really. God has pointed out some serious stuff to me alot lately. I only fear making another mistake or serious wrongs. You could say its the one thing you always wanted. You waited anf fought to get it for so long. But now in the hint that you might get it you go from seeking that desire to freaking out not sure what to do now. I just wish I knew that what I am doing is of his will and not of my own choices, yet that is why I fail. Even if I am scared this is good or bad, right or wrong....this is where I should go for it, fear it not, and if anything happens that is when and where to seek him. Draw towards god. Rely and depend on God. If it isn't or comes bad...God will be there and not abandon us. This should make me fear less and be risky I guess one could say. Fear god and not fear itself.

Sometimes I want to cry of joy and sadness knowing of God's grace and love. It's so vast and unable to be understood by our mortal human minds.

Where am I know with all of this...? I do not know. I shall keep on the path that I am. May his grace shine down and whatever happens may I do according to his will and never forget God nor the sacrifice of Christ during any of it.

Wow today was very eventful and really alot of thinking. Very much so. My community gropu leader whom I was supposed to meet with had a baby. Wow this was so cool to hear. I was so happy to hear that. I knew them shortly before they were pregnant so it felt I was with them through the whole thing. Saw the stages of it and now here he is. It's so very cool.

No good nap but many thoughts occured though. Work went well. ANd now I am here at the other job. Err I mean main job.

Really from what I have felt God speak to me, through events and readings, is that I need to focus on him and become more dependant on him more so than I am. It feels as if he is laying out this life before me filled with great things, many of which are/were unforseen, and many that are desires I have had for some time.

Yet before I can get this I need to give everything to him. And everything, not leaving only one or two things for me on the side as keep sakes. But everything. Then I can grow in a spiritual family, a church family, and even my own family one day. Actually I have become more dependant on him as I have prayed more for guidance and wisdom in the events that have been unfolding lately. But either my prayer life is great and reading isnt, or reading is great and prayer isn't. Its been one or the other. But I am feeling less and less alone.

Wow anyways time to get a jump on work. Tomorrow I have an eventful day to look ahead too.

Wow today really has been a weird day full of reschedules. And I got a call from work for the second job so I get to go in for a few hours and see what I can do. Yet going in tired and on a full stomache....so it looks like tonight will be eventful none the less. With a freind in town, and work tonight arrrgg!!!! Full day.

And pondering this has been a wild summer. It is about to wrap up as everyone is heading back to school. SO I think that marks the official end of summer. ANd going into the fall...wow looking back over these last few months and what lies ahead is a scary, challenging, and exciting time.

Just learn to take it one day at a time and draw closer to God with so much on my plate and moreso on my heart.

Tonight's reading was a good one. Much to ponderover indeed.

Great crowds were following Jesus. He turned around and said to them, "If you want to be my follower you must love me more than your own father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, more than your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple. (Luke 11:25-26, NLT)

It is the times such as thig that i look and wander how corrupt we have become and how to ever stop it from happening again. We put so much into not being alone that we look so much more down here for that fulfillment. Yet we miss the point and this verse.

Exactly how much do I love Christ's life and sacrifice? How much do I love God's grace? How much do I allow myself to love? Even greater than I? How often do I seek this love? Not only loving him, yet more than those whom I love and hold dear here and now? Including myself.

This is some convicting stuff this is for sure.

I know that before I get serious or ask a woman as my wife, I cannot take her as a bride unless she can love only one other greater than me, and better love greater than me, and that is love God before me and above me as I do the same.

As far as accountability or discipleship goes...tomorrow loooks to be a great day. Thursday is now free as there is no group. But TOmorrow I am meeting with Trent to talk over a few things. Kinda do a spiritual report card to see where I am.

As far as my sins of late, well sin in general...sin may possibly be redefined as taking pleasure in sources outside of God whereas disobeying denying him in out lives as provider and master. Where we decide at what point to take things into our own hands for salvation, peace, and comfort.

Yesterday I guess was a spill-over form many of my thoughts an feelings. SO needless to say I was in a funk and therefore sins were magnified and I didn't even take compfort in running and hiding into a hole. Which is odd as typically that is where everyone has thier safe place and I didn't want to go there.

My sense of accomplishment was real low. I sat and played a video game, it was Pop-it, all I did was click and pop balloons and I did this for two hours. SO I was a monkey, a zombie monkey. A monkey.

I was worthless and felt worthless.

Now that started diminish after I did some dishes and cleaned up a few things, well straightened up. I finished the kitchen....well worked on it furhter it still is uncomplete. I talked toa friend or two on the phone and was ok after that.

But in facing this I did not pray. I felt unworthy of God's time. How can he keep on accepting me like this? I guess this is really where Satan loves me. I wasn't confused, I was upset rather. Unfocused and did not feel like I could get back on the good trail as I was engulfed with sin. Yet I felt guilty from it and wanted nothing more to do with it. I still can't stop focusing in on God like I should.

I am a weak Chrsitian this is true. I am getting there, I am fighting as it feels a war on my soul has been declared. The closer I draw towards God the harder this becomes. The more real it hits me.

BUt once I got going and felt I had accomplished something I was feeling better. But I still feel like I am hiding form him. Kinda like the prodigal son staying away and then wallowing in muck becasue I am scared to go home and say I screwed up.

Knowing there is somethere on the other side did help, but only so much. I don't know.

But today things are ok. Just getting close to some deeper issues. Hopefully soon I will get to face them.

Well last ngiht started the return of my foot ailments. This time its both feet. One dr think it's gout. And I think it may be a mild form of it. Anyways I am limping again, very painfully. Once I am up and walking thought I am almost ok, its just feeling pain while I am sitting and once I get up and start walking. So plenty of water to drink and try to cut back on foods high in purines...since I am broke I cant run out and change my cubbard.

Last night was fun though. It was a nice wedding with a fair crowd. It wasnt all filled with friends or family, it was both friends and family. It was a nice mix. So it wasnt too one sided. Dinner, dancing, mushiness....it was all there.

After I dropped off some friends after the wedding I went to work and decided to go back to the gym and walk again, while I walked my foot wasnt hurting much. So after that shortly after midnight I started the actual working. Did the whole thing in record time as I was behind so there was no waiting for the next sections to publish.

Now today with or without the foot ailment I really need to get to Sojourn. To make contact with a few folks and see if I can start a deeper path into bringing much to light, accountability, and just fellowship.

It really seems the lord os weighing certain things on my heart and bringing some into the light. Areas he wants me to work on...areas I know that I need to work on as it is part of things that hold me back. Now I am still moving forward but there are still a few speed bumps that I need to work out.

I watched Luther again yesterday. Everytime I watch it I gian better respect for the word and how people revere it. It was a great tast to get the word into the ears and hearts of the common folk. I do seem to have many doubts and concerns over the church...catholics. One day I would like to sit down and learn about it as far as history, how and exactly how did it form etc.

Seems like some Pharasies turning christian decided to start it to keep on conrtolling, hmmm so the conspiracy theory is that Pharasies created the catholic church to control the christians? Wow I better stop the free flow thoughts there.

ANyways I would like to know about it so that I can understand it now.....as I do not put catholics in the same categor as christians...I alsmot beleive them to be far from christ like. But thats what I see so far, and why I want to know.

Wow today is starting to form itself into a crazy day. I got an email form my aunt, my cousins had thier second child. It's a girl. Again! And tonight I am going to a wedding before work, so more mushiness to go around...what's a singly guy to do? Be happy of course.

So today we have birth and marriage. What a combo. The start and addiotn to family...ahhhh. One day, just one day....I hope

ANyways since yesterday was eventful I think today, other than work and wedding, will be eventless. I did read alot into and finish the book of Romans. Chapters 10-12 realy stood out so I may revisit them. Really meditate upon them and think things through.

Yesterday I did get on the treadmill and felt really good. SO I hope that I do the same thing again tonight. sometime at work if I manage to find the time. I Don't know sine I have to go to wedding and lots to do on a saturday night. That and my dear is hoping to find a few extra bucks. I am in desperate need of Gas money. SO tonight at wedding I will be mr bumm. Not much of a choice and I only need just enough for the week. I did budget just well enough. WEll I think I can get exactly 5 out, but I will bee cutting it very close in the bank, in fact down to cents if I do. If all else fails I have maybe two bucks in change which wont get me much of anything, but might spread things out just enough. I could hitch a ride to church, that should grant me an extra day within itself.

Blah its gonna be tight. Foodwise I am ok, will be eatin Ramen noodles alot this week but I have enough other food I wont starve...just wont be happpy haha. I do have sandwiches for work so there saves money.

Now thoughts of money and lack of the second job coming in what is a guy to do. Finaces are one aspect it all, and now with a birth in the family and watching friends start their family it is most likely gonna be on my mind.

Hahah thankfuly I have work to forget about it at hahahah. No seriously, it's gonna be on my mind....family, life, growing up ya know all the fun stuff.

Today I think I will do dishes and read and meditate. AS today is looking pretty bare of activities and rent is due so there goes mypaycheck.....the saga continues

Last night at work sucked I had to manually create each story. The system was down until I finished teh last story after 4am. It was a VERY long night. Especially since I did not get a nap.

Well continuing on from my entry last night I really didnt want to go to group or anything. I was debating on sleeping through it all. But once again divine intervention got me going and showered so I went. I felt better after I left. I did not feel as bad as I did.

I am so very tired, and hoping that I hear from the other job, I hope there is an assignment for me today. If not then I hope for monday. I may have to find another job on top of that one. Who knows. Something needs to be happening.

If I nap off I may work on the Jefferson Street website some more. I am still designing the shell to get the page working.

PLenty to do but is there plenty of me? Well focus rather? I am also scared I think I have gout again. SO I better drink LOTS of water and cut down on purines. A world of pain can be near.

Ok so now the rules seemed to have changed. INstead of just feelnig guilty I have a new feeling I cant quite place. And not to mention I am really replaying somehting I was told over and over in my head. I might really want to revisit 1988 upwards till now. Now the scary part, is who to talk to first and do I really put light on my dark past? The part that haunts me anyways?

It really is coming in between my relationship with God and others. Confessing and confiding. I may even get blunty honest on here. I do not know. It tends to scare people with honesty at times. But it is getting heavier on my heart to confront this.

I don't know. But sometimes things eat you up unless you eat back. This is one case in point I really need to cling to God but this is when I find it the hardest. So instead of me just dodging him until I feel good to get back on the right path, I stay in the shadowd hiding, he lets me stay that but puts on my heart a new map to an alternate direction to get off this road.

The closer I draw to Christ the more this irks me. I am so tempted to tell someone, and I am scared to death at the same time. I really don't know. WEll I guess my nap time is ruined so it will be a caffeinated night at work.

Ok I so wanna chuck one up right now, barf, puke whatever! I think it's halt physical and half mental. I feel queezy in my stomach, might be from all the chemicals goin on around here. All but one room (kitchen) has been cleaned. How and why do I let things get so carried away? What is in comes out....so I must be filthy or a giver upper. I gave up and let things get out of hand.

SO now I can smell cleaner things, and see my carpet all throughout the apartment all but for the kitchen. My small apartment just got bigger by rearranging a few things and displacing (non-kitchen) 2-3 bags of trash, well two bags and one box. Plus one bag from the kitchen which was near full anyways.

I must be a slob, it parallels with my spiritual life. I kinda start slacking off go back into the since and selfish desires (at least I know I am human) and steer away and getting things messy. Well guess what the same thing happens to my apartment. So what is out comes in, and what is in comes out. What a mess. Pathetic mess actually. I need more focus and determination.

In fact here is a challenge, I better work my butt off as far as exercise goes so that I can try to go back up the mountain this year. I have got to make it to the top. It is my goal and yet I have failed twice, I really know that I can make it if I apply myself correctly. I will walk up to it alone that's fine. Except this year I will have my really wonderful friend...IPOD. I will securely take my camera, very risky, into the trail early am into bear country alone.

I am so not in shape for this, but it.....ya know I am scared, it is a very large task, several miles (5-7ish) walk up steep rocky (very rocky) trail up the mountain and through the creek countless times. I just don't know that I want to do this alone. I tend to finish things when I know there is someone to do them for, like walking. If I am with someone I tend to go further than I would for myself.

Maybe going with the music would help this year, its like listening to someone if they were with me....hmmmm it's an idea....if I get my butt in shape. I need not only to loose a few pounds but also get endurance and stamina up. Its a long hike. Very long. Longer alone. Last time it took 4 hours to walk up it, and then 2 hours to walk down. I gotta get some boots too. I cant do it in sneakers like my dumb self did the previous years....talk about hurt.

Maybe we will see.

But I am semi disgusted at how far I let myself go. Where is my determination? Am I feeling sorry for myself and giving up? Or do I lack the focus driven motivation? See this all tends to come to the stewardship for God. If I do not take care of my affairs here and now, how will I take care of them in Heaven?

I pray that god will continue to break me down even further and continue molding me into the man he wants me to be. I must ask for his will to be done, not mine, and accepting his will. Also the serenity prayer seems to come into place here.....

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
Amen

This is so true. This is what is on my heart right now based on the serenity prayer.

God grant me the serenity to acknowledge the things I do wrong
The grace to forgive myself
The courage to live according to your will
Your enabling me to make the changes you so desire
The grace of selfless ness and take away my selfish desires
May I change according to your will and your word
May your will be done not mine
May I humble myself before you and praise your for your grace
May I live not for myself but for you Lord
Amen

Anyways I think now I shall try finishing the kitchen...that way I can have a great accomplishment before bed time. Actually after thinking about the prayer, I am starting to feel a lil better.

Well this morning is turning out well. I managed to get some sleep. But my thoughts were too widely focused that I wasnt able to concentrate in prayer last night. I am keeping one of my bibles in my car so that if I am at work I can read some scriptures. It is working out ok so far.

But it seems that my desires for a companion, well thoughts for one, are growing...then again they have always just been. I read in another blog where they listed things they looked for in a mate. And then in one of my firends blogs she quoted something else I have beleived in but not been able to put into words. So for now I can only rely on God's wisdom until that day comes I guess.

I am hoping to hear the sermon again for last sunday. The guest speaker really hit on it. Really has a lot to think about.

Thinking back to wordly life I am hoping I hear something about the new job. I hope it isn't too random that I never know when I am going to work or not. The photo lab is happening just like I thought it would....it isn't so that's two jobs on hold? I did see a pizza joint hiring. I might try for them but add in a different night so that I can work nights like tuesdays. Just need money coming in to get caught up on things. I hate living so close to the edge that I have to rely on others far to often than I would like to.

As far as the readings go its easier to just read a chapter or two a day. I havn't really picked up on any convicting verses but just knowing that I am reading something helps. SO I am working through the book of Romans. I also have many thoughts I want to hopefully discuss on here with dating/courtship, sex and lust, stewardship, ministry (using gifts) but I have so many thoguhts running wild it's hard to get them all together.

I seemingly have completely lost the ability to win solitare on the computer. I think I will switch back to the card version as it is random and not generated difficulty.

Today is goin well, as far as it can since I am still using a much older pc at work until a new powersupply comes in. But as far as faith goes. I am doing ok. I am home on lunch and am hoping here in a few to read some scriptures and hopefully pray. I didn't pray last night and I regret it. Just knowing I missed an opportunity to draw closer to God and I just didn't take it.

Last night I was up for a while with old sins on my mind. They didnt seem to want to go away. I guess after the forgiveness there is still healing of those sins that need to be taken care of.

Tonight I hope that I am not so worn out as to not be productive. I think I will definatly slow things down a pace and take some time to truley rest...if I know how. It seems when I get to rested or trying to I get bored and then frustrated.

Things will be ok, I am just letting thoughts flow for now. Pondering what I am doing thats not getting me closer to God where I need to be.

I messed my back up somehow, It hurts like a pinching, like part of my back wants to collapse on itself. So I will start drinking lots of water in case its a kideny infection.

No work today, I guess contract work comes and goes. So my hopeful first day was no day. But I did make lots of porgress with Jeff Street. So things got some headway and are taking shape real nice.

I also wanted to get out and bounce some ideas of folks but everyone is busy, so another day of typing my thoughts instead of hearing anaother christinas views and listening skills.

There is so much on my mind right now and I am not sure where to start. Just looking at the way things are coming about and relationships with christ and others, well seems to be on my mind alot.

I guess there are not enough clear words. I do pray that I seek further a relationship with God, but it would also be nice to have a godly women in my life. So I guess I am back to listening...but I will need to do some talking very soon though. I guess it's hard to have a few days with lots of action and events to then just stop and wait. A pause....I hate it when that happens just right when things get going.