 Monday, May 29, 2006
Everyweek I try to ponder my sufferings and trials in life. Yet there are others in less fortunate situations. But this is an entirely differrent subject. It has been on my mind for the last few days. There have been talks but no action, unless I don't see it. Still another topic for another day.
 Yet where I have been these last few days is in a good space. Ihave had several days off and have gotten much done and got to have a social life for a few days. Tomorrow is the last day of the freedom. Yet I am thankful for what I was given. I have had time to get back in the bible and time for some reflection. And here I am seeing areas in life that I could use some more caution, after seeing things in contrast these last few days. I have felt human and connected to others. And I am starting to see things...well just see really. I am thankful for what God has given me. Yet I see from Psalms 32:4-6 that I do not confess rather I groan all day long. Sounds like complaining. In fact that sums up my behavior towards my job. Now this is only the beginning of it all. I know that while I am there I am complaining and I am sure it comes out more than I would like for it to. That and then things I do is taken that way often times when it is not. My focus is all over the board while there. I am not a good steward of work, I mean while I am there. I do not and cannot focus in half the time. I get lost in my own world looking up stuff. I am not there serving my employers as I should be and therefore we could say in an ungodly way. Unfocused, unstructured and undisciplined. Now God's discipline as was referred in the above verse, is not a punative discipline. I am so saddened how many words have such a negative connotation that it is hard for us to redeem it into a usable word. Discipline I have a hard time with as it is often associated with punishment yet it is also meant as a set of structure and rules that one follows or routines that yeild results.....reading bible every day, running a mile daily, etc. This is how this verse came across to me. Doing God's will or his discipline is hard to do. Seems down right a large burden at times. So while I am there at work the faith or focus and discipline I have evaporate like water in the summer heat. And this is when I do not confess it. This is not the only sin that I do not seek God on. We all have them in one way or another in some varying degree. This has been happening for some time as well as told in Isiah 64:7 We sin over and over and not seek him in any part of the process. So we are turned over to our sins and they run amok and even we come to serve them. Our own sins that we used to serve us we give ourselves up to and serve them. We don't stop with these sins. Even I going to bed thinking and reflecting after the sins have come to surface (in a conviction) and think it away. I do not(rare when I do it seems) seek god and confess it. So this may be why thse sins and unfocused energies get to me when I am at work and life in general. I have seen this week in contrast to the many that I have spent time with where the good ol' Tom that I love for all to come to know...that it may not be the best that I do. I see times where meekness could come into play more often and really focus in on others. My quest as of late has focused in on the man God is calling me to become. Yet I see now that is not the case. In order to become the man (or woman) he is calling us to be, we must become a child. We must become his children and not living like orphans. And the focus of growing up and into Christ...we may have overlooked the runway and missed the target. We are his children not his men and women. Now even tongiht while watching Ice Age 2, there was a theme that goes along with my friend Lorie's blog entry. Ok well it was a generic while her entry was a bit more detailed. Now the hardest thing to do is to let go of anything we hold dear or are enslaved to (sins, addictions, the past), yet we know there comes a point we must. For me it is the past. In the movie it was said "you have to let go of your past so you can have a future." Which hits home and themes along with the forgivness and repentance being called lately in my reading and meditation times. In sermon this last Sunday it was said something along to the tune of if God is flowing through us we are to forgive as it s God forgiving and not ourselves. This hit me. I know I have much I need to forgive myself for over and over again. Yet even the forgiving my mother now has taken a new turn. As I stated in an earlier blog An unforgiving spirit is a spirit in bondage. And this even holds back intimacy in relationships. Not jsut the typical male/female, but everyday relationships with God and with others, even our own selves.
posted by Tom at 12:41 PM
0 comments
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
An unforgiving spirit, is a spirit in bondage.
An unthankful spirit is a spirit that will never be satitsfied.
posted by Tom at 1:35 PM
0 comments
***SPOLIER WARNING***
Stephen King has done it again. Yes he is an oldie when it comes to Horror movies. Yet every now n then he can come up with one that makes you think. I did not read the book but once again a miniseries/movie on TV has come to mind. In fact what I saw last ngiht is now my second fav Stephen King flick. Next to "The Stand" that is. Last night I came home and was gonna do some email and fix some grub. Yet I came home and became glued very fast to what was on TV. IN fact I was glued for the next three hours. It was Desperation. This had a decent cast and before I knew what movie it was, it had a feel to it. I told my roomate this looked like a Stephen King movie. It was. It had a part that reminded me of watching the Stand. So this already had my attention as it was not a basic horror flick. This one had that religion thought into it. Long story short the Bad guy was another supernatural being, of course evil, and took over folks and went on a murderous rage. In fact killed a whole town. Tourists then became prey after the towns folk were all gone. Well one family was, well victims of the evil. But the young boy of the group, the praying boy, really molded the rest of the movie. He prayed alot and the rag tag team of folks all over different walks of life worked well together. Now the boy brought up one part several times of being God's will. Even in death and challenges he faced them with a strong determination and in focus of everything he did was God's will. It got me thinking. But not as much as it should have. I mean to maintain the focus. Now there was still a dash of realism in it when near the end one of the characters confronted the kid, and staged to hold him down to obtain a shotgun shell from the boys pocket. At that point he confronted the boy who at that point wanted to go in alone...he told him (to the boy) that that was not god's will and that god was not speaking to him then. So he (the man) went in alone instead. The man who went in was a dobuter but had a dose of God, as he put it. Even until the end he still had a few doubts it seemed. Yet his focus kept him through his task. Even when the evil was now tempting him and trying to entice him with false promises...I mean c'mon when an evil spirit say they will give you whatever you want ya know its false...he played the demon off and finished what he set forth to do. This was his redemption as he realized this same demon he faced in his past. Now with is a horror suspense flick it had me on the edge of my seat. And when it had the religious part of it...showed the doubts and faith of others and how they all interacted with one another...that had me glued. This kid kept a promise, followed God, and prayed. People were dying around him and he prayed. I know some folks like me have a bad day and God gets out of the picture somehow. In a nutshell no matter how superficial or fake or even how real these evils are...seek God in all we do, hold strong to that faith, we are here to love and to serve God, and be careful in claiming what we think is god's will (what god tells us). All this from a Stephen King flick. Whoudda thunk it?
posted by Tom at 11:43 AM
0 comments
Monday, May 22, 2006
Ok there have been several quizes I have taken and have learned a thing or two about myself, even if inaccurate, it still gives me a good idea of a few things.
Transformer: Optimus Prime Comic Character: Batman Type of Writer: Film writer Color: Brown (I like blue better) Disciple: Jude Shade of green: Grass Green Theme Song: Back in Black, ACDC Personality type: B+ Theologian: Anselem TIme of day: Sunrise Candy: Lemonheads There are more tests I have taken, I can only recall the most recent ones. Its fun but I don't wanna base my life off of a few simple quizes. TV: I have started to slightly dislike TV. There are books to read and deep thoughts to ponder, and relationships to build. Work: Yes I do not have teh best working conditions. In fact I down right hate it sometimes. The good news is at least until the restructuring hits us all in full, I have an alternate schedule I hope to get approved that will give me better schedule to get out and have a social life or take those dance classes I wanted to. YET HOWEVER there are times at work that things get tto me and then the anger, frustration, resentment etc kick in, loose focus in on God or the focus is "God get me out of here" that I lost focus. Work has sucked but felt different these last few days.
posted by Tom at 12:47 PM
0 comments
Friday, May 19, 2006
The physical death.....When a loved one dies why do they always go to Heavan? When did we get to determine this? Or did God send a memo to some folks to let them know where their loved ones are? I do not think this is our place to say if we go to heaven or hell same if a loved ones dies, we cannot say either way.
Next thing it does say in the bible, in other words, that the good die young. This too is deep in thought and nature. There was a girl die this week. It was in the paper. She died in a car wreck. Only 25, a church goer, volunteer all things looked good for her. We may never get to know why her car crossed the median into oncoming traffic. She was thrown from the car and dies on the scene. Young. Only 25. Not much younger than I. Maybe it was her time and God called her home, or her death serves a purpose. Who knows. It saddens me as we may never know what side they are on in the afterlife. I am at work right now and I cannot ponder on this too much. But I would love to here soon. It has been on my mind with so many folks dead in the news this week.
posted by Tom at 11:01 PM
0 comments
Thursday, May 18, 2006
posted by Tom at 12:30 PM
2 comments
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
posted by Tom at 2:12 PM
2 comments
I can't even begin to tell of what went on last night. In fact I need to continue on it again today. I read Psalms 37, 51, and Romans 1. I had some quiet time and focused. Had a lengthy prayer. And I barely touched the tip of the hair of the surface.
There was much that I actually wrote down old school PnP style (Pen and Paper). It was two and a half pages almost. Well a lil over two anyways. It wasn't depressing, it was reveleing, it was just focus time. It was a continuation from my thoguths of the sermon Sunday, and then some new stuff I read last night in a devotional that seems I could apply to my current situation with work. So needless to say much came up upon that thoguht alone. Hopefully tonight I can do the same or at elast continue. Then again maybe I should let this stuff sit n stew for a while. Ya never know it just might be one of those things that need some time. Or things that are better on faith than understanding.
posted by Tom at 10:14 AM
1 comments
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Something smells in the air at work and I can't quite tell if it is good or bad. New in old out and shifting of what's left. Possabilities are undefined and there is a slight chance I will not have to work night shifts, not soon, but maybe down the road.
Change of pace may be here, but will it smell sweet or bitter?
posted by Tom at 10:09 AM
0 comments
I am still pondering the sermon from Sunday. It was very deep. In fact the frist sermon I almost cried. It was very moving and yet it was so simple and delivered in well it was different. It was not something exciting or something that was yelled, it was something said plainly in love, and that stood out.
It really did help me see where my relatioship with God is effected with all I do. And how things get in the way of that. Seeking greater intimacy is my goal, with him and then others. Things still seem to be going well from expressing what I am thinking and feeling. No matter how ugly it is. Too many times in the christian walk we seem to wan things pretty and fake rather than ugly and real. As those seem to be te times we forget about God or seperate ourselves. Today starts a new week at work. Let's see what can come of it. Mainting my focus is the main thing. It has not been where it should be or where it could be. I know there are a few things that I still should look into and or do, yet I just cannot so I am flying by faith but not faith in the right places. Today is a new day and a new week. Work may not be the best but it could be worse, and there are several thigns working its course for new events in life. I just need to not depend on them to come through or not and live one day at a a time. Which really seems to be the only way if a christian.
posted by Tom at 8:19 AM
0 comments
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Does anyone ever get to a point where they are tired of loving themsleves? I mean beyond taking care of yourselves like food and water, rest, all that stuff? But beyond that when do we get so tired of serving ourselves? Better yet why do we do it over and over?
Things are crazy as I am starting to see that true initmacy will never happen while taking care of my own wants and needs. I keep coming back to me and then when thigns are done and the guilt or whatever sits in, all I can think about are others and how I failed them. Becasue all I have done is/was serve myself. Yet I do it over and over and will do so yet again. It's the basic seven sins...well most of them for me at least, sloth (lazy), greed (me want me want me want), lust (sex), pride (the root of self), gluttony (eat alot or bad foods), then there are envy and wrath but those are two that deal with your reaction towards others. The other five are the sins of self. Now the tricky part of it is I can see at times how these sins (to make a long story short) come between me and intimacy with God or even others. As I look towards my own wants an needs rather than others. So how can I turn self off or at least turn down the volume and listen to what or how I can become initmate with God and then intimate with others to love and to serve them. This is a quest and a part of my journey and this is also the danger line for me. This is where guilt comes in or despair and all that fun negative stuff. This is where I fall off the road. Now one thing I have been pondering, yet not enough, was from my counseling session is to not look on the past and dwell upon it (I even should apply that to today's bad days) and to not think of it as something bad or let it sadden me. Yet to look at it and make it a part of the whole story, a part of who I am and have become. It to is a part of the journey and not just a random occurance. See what was meant for evil and sorrowful away from God, hurt, apin, sorry, anything and see how God can use that today. Even with self I get wrapped up in my self in there here and now. On a good day I see the small picture but not the whole picture. Same thing with the past or current bad events...I need to focus on it being the whole part. So I guess I am short sighted in more ways than one. This is where I stand seeing myself in the now and not intimacy with God in the future. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. (phillipians 3:12-14) Still we should not forget the past and present badness, it is still a part of the whole story. This was not the verse I was looking for but it does seem to apply in other ways. Shining as Stars 12Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.
posted by Tom at 7:21 PM
1 comments
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
This once I went back on my rule for art...no photoshop, this tiem I decided to invert and saw the depth of going reverse where I had wanted to go. A good lesson indeed. This time I went back on my value. I wanted expression raw. This is my work. I used pens and paper. Only a scanner to bring it into the internet.
A man's hands can say alot about him. This is what was on my heart, mind, and soul. Sometimes it was specific. Other times it was whatever the pen felt like doing. I let it flow. It took several days to complete this. Click on image to view larger size  This is huge, please click on the photo above to see a full size version of the image.
posted by Tom at 10:22 PM
1 comments
Actually since about last friday it seems everyday has been a new adventure. Some days are better than others like yesterday I was kinda funky so one would think that the next day would be a continuation of that day. Yet upon waking up this morning, It hit me, it's a new day. It's early and I can have an event filled day.
I hate it when i wake up late. My body likes to be up early-ish, within reason. Today I woke up at 8:30. I feel so much better when I do. So what's on todays schedule....work accountability and some truth facing again. Friday I went to speak witht e counselor at church. It has gotten me thinking alot more. It was confirmed that God has already been at work and I was no longer at the crossroads. Where I now must deal with some past issues and the journey is an internal one, yet focus on God. But its is going to be very internal. The pain I know I am going to face is going to suck and alot at that. Yet it is pain I see required to come out for change and has meaning. Until I really start dealing with these issues who knows what confusion and lies I will beleive. I just know I will need much encouragement and help from others. As I know there are many things that I have tried and have become burned out on. Today is a new day. Who knows what it will bring. Later in the day I took a quiz...it seemed to fit somewhat:
posted by Tom at 8:09 AM
2 comments
Monday, May 08, 2006
Well yesterday was my first day back in a month. And it was a very mixed day for me. I see a pattern in the sermons, it takes roughly about half an hour to get to the good stuff then the sermon is just deep. But thats not a bad thing. But it is a pattern.
But the sad part is the uncaring ways that the cliques occur. However there were two who never seem to give me to time of day actually said hi, and one of them it was an actual conversation while passing by. That was awesome. But early off I was asked how I was doing, I said I was glad Derby was over (since I work for the newspaper derby is a big deal for me) and then several others jumped in the conversation and the guy I was talking to walked away from me. I wanted to celebrate that the worse season was over for me. I wanted to tell a friend...and he walked away That hurt. So I stayed angry at him for the day. I hurts to feel invisible like that, to feel that I am unworthy of a friends ear and heart. That I had something that was good an I was not allowed to have that, in stead I was told of others who lost money on bets. I told them straight up that I did nto care. So I came across a mean cuss once again, but ya know what...I don't care. I was entitled to something and I was given what I did not want. I was given that in which I wanted away from. It was the day after so why was I having to continue the topics of Derby? The topic was that derby was OVER, the key word here was OVER not derby. Someone did not listen to my sentence. ANyways that was the fault of the others not my friend. But before I could finish talking to him he gets up and walks away. SO I waited seeing when he would come back. I was there for about 5 minutes sitting looking pathetic again. Then when another friend came by and was glad to see I was back, did then the friend realise I was upset and hurt. One of the reasons I stopped going for a month was the fact that I was tired of being hurt every week, being invisible and not worthy of christian fellowship. Yet this was one of the first things that hit me when I went yesterday. I am not mad at him, he did appolagize several times, but I am angry that it happened. It was not all bad as there were several people I was able to talk to and thent he two passerbys that was awesome. Actually that made me feel better. Part of it was me as I was worn out from work. As usual. So I tend to be more sensative when I am worn out. In fact I was asked if I was able to follow up or look into an email I received about a dance studio, and I wanted to cry. As once again the thgouth ot work stopping me from living or having any social life came back. I told him that until I get a new life or new job, I am being punished and cannot have a life until then. Until then, it seems every attempt is meaningless as it get me back to the fact, the C-J owns me and I should tahnk and praise them for *@#^(#&*(%(###%^$# $#%%^&% my life away. I have been looking for a new job for over a year now. So far nothing but empty promises that are taken away from me only after things look good. Now back to the 15 minutes of sermon that was deep, it did touch me, as I am sure it did so many others. For one I see that in my situation of work taking the life out of me and denying me the opprotunity to get out and be with friends when they are outor going back to school, or learning something having a life.....that sojourn for me has a dual purpose. For one it is there for me spiritually for the sermons, but it is the only social event I get to have. I seek christian fellowship for well fellowship to journey and grow just to even be with other christians and then to be social. And then it gets a clique and then it hurts when I walk around or others drop a conversation with me and then ignore me standing there waiting for them to finish. So this is good and bad the good is the desire for christian fellowship, and the bad is the fact it is the only social activity I can have. I end up hurt everyweek. Starts off socially hurt, then it comes to effect my fellowship with others. Now its double bad. Then the double minded aspect. I did not take that passage in James as double minded that way. But the way it was used, made sense. When I hear a part in sermon or prayer I think how it effects me and drift off alot. So my time with God is not always there completely anyways. So I know that this interferes with my spiritual time and only renders it to Sunday worship and then struggle the 6 other days of the week. This needs work internally yet also externally in the means that the cliques have got to stop. I know this hurts both members and visitors there each week. As far as my quest goes, I know I need work on this area in creating intimacy with God. There are earthy factors such as work keeping me in the pits of hell on earth and preventing me from moving upward and yet there are times when things seem too far up that I need something down here on earth to climb back upward. So that is one place to vist on this journey.
posted by Tom at 12:16 PM
0 comments
Saturday, May 06, 2006
I hope that's how you spell it......but that's what it is like at work right now.....its a mad house. I have seen some folks that I never see this late at night. ITs MAD MAD MAD and all I can do is sit back and laugh.....that and crank up the headphones.......its crazy out here....and when it is so close to over it got worse....no one knows.....hahahahahahaahahahaha
I want to laugh. Oh how I can't wait to celebrate when Iget home......derby is over and the chaos has ensued!!!!!! Archaic......
posted by Tom at 10:11 PM
0 comments
Friday, May 05, 2006
My feet hurt. I walked alot yesterday taking photos for work of the parade as it was lining up. It was a lot of fun and good excersize. So now I am not wanting anything greasy which is a good sign to have. It's crazy how I have started more vegan type foods. Or just a lack of meat. Well outside of Tuna and chicken occasionaly. Grease weights me down. But that is a different topic for another time.
The tug of war rages on again, which is a good sign that there is a struggle or aim to reach. Just two more days of Derby then work slows down to where we all can breathe a lil again. I can't wait. After that I think I will have a sit down with my boss and ask if I can get a schedule change of some type. I am missing alot in life with my work load. I ponder what more I can do to reach out at Jeff street. They see me come in at night for whatever reason and they light up in hopes they can go to the lab. I know I make a difference there but how much more can I make a difference? With Sojourn I really hope in the new building to start an after shool program or lab for them. I may not be able to run it but I would love to get it started. At least help. I think there is so much that could come out of it. I guess today I officially will be taking a first step away from sittin at the crossroads. Actually I have been slowly walking away and into the direction I feel called into. I have been opening up and much greater honesty with my community group and with another friend. Just opening and letting them know how dry and out I have felt. And knowing that I have support there has been a great help. Today I have a lunch meeting for business and then personal. So we shall see what comes of it. It seems that it is for me to bring others into my life on a deeper level in making it through life. The journey will involve others. One step at a time. Today I hope to get some sort of idea or direction, inventory something. Life has been ok, it is still one day at a time though. I have prayed a few times, but I still can't really read the bible right now.
posted by Tom at 9:25 AM
2 comments
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
It is not the path that I would have hoped for. It stil does not give me a calling in life, yet I feel that the path that is being laid out in front of me is the path I need to take. The path I was on was a path twoards God with needless pain and suffering.
The new path is welll I already know the pains I will have to go through, yet have pain be redefined. Or pain with a reason, as a process not an end result. This is not just another depressing rant, I know that the path for me is going to be internal now. I will still be there as community group leader and serve at Jeff street, even taking photos for church. Yet I will tone down the photos at church until a better system is worked out where I am not feeling a burden on the church to take them. Yes me a burden to them. Anyways it comes down to this, a path I have traveled before but very differently. No one really has a good grasp on anger. Well very few do, at least in understanding it. It is a monster that dwells up inside and then manfiests itself into something else. It hides and is deceptive withing itself to the point of it not being there, at least by definition. It turns into a lot of internal hurt and suffering. Yet it is labeled as you are a beast with anger, not suffering from it. Yet I can say that those in anger do suffer. Does this make me a mean person? No I still have a heart, still have dreams and desires and can still get hurt. No I am not a beast but there are aspects of me that no one knows about. Or may never know. No one has gotten that close...............at least to know. So actually no one really knows me. Only the Tom they want to see which is a fraction of a fraction of what they think they know or see on the outside. This is going to take others. I am going to need, as I already have started, to let others in on what I am feeling more often. At least with human interaction not blogwise. This journey is going to be rough and require much pain. Its time for some redefinition. It is time to get intimate with others and God. The one thing that brought me to tears much faster than enything else ever was reading that "It is NOT a matter of simply saying a prayer and leaving it at the cross." I was in tears. Finally someone dared to say something truthful. I have always heard to just leave it at the cross which made me feel it was MY FAULT since I prayed to leave it there, yet still suffered or struggled. SO then I must have prayed wrong? And besides when I hear that it feels so irresponsible for a christian to do that to run up and say I don't want this responsability Lord take it from me. Then walk away. In actuality, it takes more than that. It is never that easy. Yet one man came up to say that it was not. I felt there was someone that finaly understands. I do not want to go back down this road, my past, again. Yet I must. Anger is not an outcome. It is an internal process that has many meanings. Its deceptive lies alter reality. This is going to hurt. Better get ready to start walking.
posted by Tom at 7:50 AM
2 comments
|
daily.verse
script provided by biblegateway.com
Special.Collections journey.tom who.said.what  iggie // said...
iggie // said...
Heather Gemmen Wilson // said...
Jason Ramage // said...
Jason Ramage // said...
Diane Viere // said...
Bobby // said...
Bobby // said...
Paul Tackett // said...
iggie // said...
Bobby // said...
iggie // said...
Tom // said...
previous.journies journies.archive
links.tom links.other sojourn.blogs blogs.other blogroll.christian Thy way, not mine, O lord Thy way, not mine, O Lord, However dark it be; Lead me by Thine own hand, Choose out the path for me.
Smooth let it be or rough,
I dare not choose my lot;
Take Thou my cup, and it
Choose Thou for me my friends,
The kingdom that I seek
Not mine, not mine the choice ~Horatius Bonar |
