I feel a war may heat up here soon. I am starting to see my cross before me. I know to carry it will bring much pain. I know that I avoid pain at nearly any costs. I don;t want to go through this. I know it is going to hurt the very nature and fiber of my being.

Last week for accountability we agreed to read Psalms 74. I did. Not as much as I could have but there was one part hard for me to make it past. It stood out to me that if I do what I am supposed to do I might as well take a bat upside my head doing all the swinging myself. I would have to become my enemy and harm myself in so many ways.

I am scared of this pain. Even though it is all I have known for so long.

Christ called his disciples to carry their cross. If they wanted to follow him. It would be to loose your life in order to find it. The cross aint a few twigs tied together like you would see in the Blair Witch Project. No it is more like huge oak trees wood worked together.

"The old cross is a symbol of death. It stands for the abrupt, violent end of a human being. The man in Roman times who took up his cross and started down the road had already said good-bye to his friends. He was not coming back. He was going out to have it ended. The cross made no compromise, modified nothing, spared nothing, it slew all of the man, completely and for good. It did not try to keep on good terms with its victim. It struck cruel and hard, and when it had finished its work, the man was no more." A.W. Tozer, the Best of.

I see that the man I am becoming, is getting nearer to this cross and the time may be soon to start carrying it. I almost wanted to start a new blog for this called "A journey becoming..." because I am still seeking yes, but this aspect would be a transformative process. I am also thinking about doing something related to Gd at work and such. As a way of spreading out to others that suffer at work as I do.

So from here there will be two new parts of this blog coming here soon. I may use this as a sounding board for a book. I really think I should write a book.

But still before me the cross is coming into the picture. And I am really afraid for once of what is being asked of me. To go against every grain of myself and even my soul to let go of the heart of stone to receive a heart of flesh.

More to come...

Labels: A journey becoming