 Monday, November 20, 2006
John 5:39-40
“You search the Scriptures because you think they give you eternal life. But the Scriptures point to me! Yet you refuse to come to me to receive this life.” 1 Corinthains 10:33 I, too, try to please everyone in everything I do. I don’t just do what is best for me; I do what is best for others so that many may be saved. Deuteronomy 8:17 He did all this so you would never say to yourself, ‘I have achieved this wealth with my own strength and energy.’
posted by Tom at 2:27 PM
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Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Last night I got to talk to my mother for about two hours. Yikes there goes more cell phone charges. But it is worth it as I got some answers out of her. I have asked both parents now what happened. The story started off as my father was going to be a preacher and my mother a preachers wife. Something went horribly wrong as that did not last very long.
Both had a very different answer. Both were vague enough that I can see they are both to blame and I know that many details have been left out. And I am fine with that. After our conversation last night I have gathered enough information to see a bit more of the bigger picture. I see now that even through my darkest I was spared from crossing over that line into the same sins. Even now I see that things are different. In a nutshell anger ruled my family. Both my parents were angry at and with each other. And that anger spread to me and my brother. Life was not easy. And then things only got worse. the sins of the father do not have to be the sins of the son. In fact it may be that the son is the way of ending the cycle of sins of the father. Both parents have apologized that they were not the best. They are sorry that things were not better. This does mean alot to me. To finally hear that after all these years. I see now that God was protecting me through it all. In fact I think it is so defiantly in the stars for me to be baptist. As even the church my mother took us to against our will was a small country church, once again baptist. It is crazy how this keeps sneaking into my life. But I still say dancing is ok! On this broken road I can look back and see my parents towards one another. This explains why my views on relationships are messed up...were messed up. God has showed me there is something far more greater in him and through him than I ever saw on my parents good days. I saw how bad things were for me to now experience how GREAT they can be beyond my wildest dreams. Anger rules my family, but it is at war within me now. It's loosing too. Not by my own power, but that from Christ. It still peaks it's ugly head out now n then. But it has shifted in power. It now hurts me in my heart to anger. It's ok to feel it but not harbor it. Be angry yes its ok, if you work through it. But let it go unchecked, that is bad and now it hurts. It never has before. The best part of this, is the healing. To know that there is love out there so great that anger cannot penetrate it. This is not in relationships, friendships, marriage, it is firstly with God. And that love will trickle down back unto all the else. Much has been learned that is just bad. But In the process of sanctification is a process of being broken and molded. My parents had it wrong and therefore my brother and I suffered. Seeing this contrast helps me see how much greater love really is. Love of God and from God and for God. That I seek and follow him it will take away the pain of old. I feel more confident now more than ever that I will mess up in a family. But knowing that I seek God and bring him into the family first most, that he will not mess up and lead me, guide me, mold me into the head of a family worthy of him. The sins of my parents are not mine. They were without God. Now I know that I can be imperfect and seek him still. As always God has taken many steps towards me. And now he calls me to take some serious steps back. But that is a different story for another time...maybe soon?
posted by Tom at 10:40 AM
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Wednesday, November 08, 2006
At least new perspectives.
A call away from ourselves and for others not for our own sake and only for their sake in order to glorify God. It still needs one thing, the power and intervention of the Holy Spirit. I would hate to try to save people and get disappointed, but the heart behind this verse for me is putting away our self to others for God. He did all this so you would never say to yourself, ‘I have achieved this wealth with my own strength and energy.’ Deuteronomy 8:17 (New Living Translation) This comes to me a very humbling verse. Even applied to todays circumstances. For me this verse comes down from God and routes around you back towards him. It is also missing self but does it in such a way that it comes to you and comes right back to God without making any stops. How often do we forget that things occur for a reason yet we wanna take all the credit. Even at that would be ok yet the heart issue here is un-thankfulness and not acknowledging God and all he has done and does for us. C.S. Lewis has declared there are four loves. Yet I ponder are there several angers? At work getting frustrated or even if one were to stub their toe typically a quick burst comes out or if one gets cut off in traffic. But it lasts a few moments and then is away. Until the next time. Then there is anger at a friend or loved one or stranger. And that seems to last much longer. Yet one thing is these days. I hate being angry. It hurts now more than ever. I never had it hurt like this. I know that only bad can com of it. I never felt this way about it before. I often looked at it as a right. But I cannot anymore. Even with road rage and getting cut off in traffic, I don;t feel as well afterwards. 1 Corinthians 10:33 even tells me to get over myself for others and forgive, let go of the anger, give that unto God. Just as in Numbers when Moses was leading them into the promised land they were being put through trials to test their hearts. Much as does anger it shows what is in one's heart. Many times just like the people being led into the promised land I think that if I am struggling this much now how much harder will it be when we get there? Except we have been told that it will be different and better. And come to think of it we are being led by the holy spirit unto a Promised Land. And we so more than often forget about this. But we are led just as they were those great many years ago. And in the middle of these trials we face here and now the focus is on our sols (our selves) and it speaks more about us how we respond to the trials and not the event itself. In fact everything here on earth is a trial in preparations for the other side of the clouds. Even the good things like relationships and marriage. I am learning so much more about it as time goes on. Even the “Suitable helper” aspect, I still miss the point many times. I know I am not the only one but how many of us think of it as someone to be there for us after a long day of work, or someone to love and serve each other. But we will not be married in heaven yet two join as one here on earth. How is this a trial? It compels us to live for others and to glorify God. It is not about finding a mate. It is about surrendering self to be there for one another. In heaven we will be worship[ping God all the time. That is very selfless. So how can we even turn something as great as marriage into something the amplifies and glorifies God? IN the middle of it will we still seek God? Will we still put him above our spouses always? Put him above ourselves even still? Good or bad marriage is a trial as we are not even to hold on to our spouses above God. Not even ourselves. There are two different friends of mine in hard places right now where they feel lonely and are looking for marriage. I wished I knew how to tell them that they need to focus in on Christ more first and above all. I want the best for them but the loneliness if satisfied by another is not the answer. I fear that it has become an idol for them. Who knows maybe it will help mold them into more Christlike beings, but only if Christ is there foremost. Even without a significant other church and god should come first. We see so many things good and bad that become trials. Even coming across a lot of money can be a curse if one is not careful. Money is a good thing to seek. Marriage is a good thing to seek. But what we seek first in our hearts should be Christ and when it is not is when trouble starts. During the trials in our life we should still seek sacred community. Marriage is a a sacred community yes, but above that is the sacred community with God. And in such a sacred community there is no room for self nor bad events, not even good events. It comes down to how we respond to any of these events. IN fact it seems the world at large we are very irresponsible in the world and in our walks. There is no good or bad there are events yes. Things happen. Why blame God? Then why blame anyone? If someone slaps you yes you could get mad and upset and retaliate against said person. But why? I could blame so much of my upset mood on work. In fact I have so many times, who hasn't? But what does it yield? Irresponsibility. There are other avenues to take. Even taking it to the cross, to prayer, to God. But we would rather point the finger and blame something outside of ourselves. That does not sound pleasing in a sacred community now does it? With our relationship to God he does call us. ...Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. This speaks volumes to me and I hope to many others. H is calling us. He is that date calling on the phone you have been waiting for. You know how it is when someone likes you, you just can;t wait until they call or email or text you these days. Same thing. Except the one who wants us did not have a phone back then but wrote a book for us. An entire book. Sheesh these day when you love someone you might write a song or poem and yet someone wrote an entire book and called us out right there for all to see and hear. So the first step has already been set in a sacred community. We don't need the caller ID because we know who it is calling on the other side. But it isn't always peaches n fun now is it? We tend to slip back into self and forget the training for the promised land. We get sucked back int our own worlds that society loves to create. We have to take the steps back towards God always. But we slip up, we sin, we are human after all. But our hearts, are they repentant and humbly asking forgiveness or do we make excuses? Sorry I had a bad day. You search the Scriptures because you think they give you eternal life. But the Scriptures point to me! Yet you refuse to come to me to receive this life. John 5:39-40 (New Living Translation) We seek him and his words but do we really truly want him? We want his presence but not bask in it? We substitute marriage, groups, projects, sermons, etc for him. Even the scripture we do not apply it or take it to him as often as we need to. We seek the eternal but not from him. Come to think of it isn't this how so many relationships work these days? I have seen many relationships ruined as they still want self first then the other comes second. They are with someone for the sake of not being alone. We are with Christ for the sake of being a “good guy.” In all areas in life it is relational. May we seek him in all we do and come to him after we read the scripture and it strikes us may we seek him. In marriage and relationships may we seek him to glorify him and seek his ways int our lives. I guess the underlying themes that have hit me lately are getting rid of self as it is said in scripture he who looses himself will find himself (I can't recall the verse, but I know it is in context of In Christ). He is calling me into something greater unto him and unto marriage. Into a sacred community where I am not alone and I am seeking God and walking with others. I am being stripped of everything I know and it is being replaced by deeper wisdom. Such as marriage, I do not want it unless it is in a way to glorify God. I know how much I have wanted to for so long, but I just do not want it taking me away from God, only to draw closer to him. I grow sad with anger and am learning the denial of self for God and others. My two friends that are lonely in this way. I know it is hard on them as I know personally it has been hard. But as a friend told me early in the year, if you want change you are going to have to become that change. But there is still something greater creating the change. I never thought that the gospel would transform me the way it has. I knew it could but to what degree I had no clue. I would not have made anything of this apart form God and the holy spirit working in and through me. It is not I but God who has molded me. It works better when I am not resisting him though! This last year has been a set up for the next chapter in life. Nothing new happening just continuing on day by day. God is calling us unto him. The first step has already been taken. Will we answer the call? I know there are others out there struggling with whatever but no matter what it all is a trial. Good and bad. He will lead will we follow?
posted by Tom at 12:33 PM
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Sunday, November 05, 2006
For some time now I have been pondering much upon my heart. Tonight was nearly an overload at church. Scripture hit me twice and then the pastor hit me once...so to speak. It was a great blessing for the spirit to move through him and touch me.
Last week was hard for me. I will be honest I was very well back in the wrold with many of my sins and behaviors. Thursday and friday were the worst. In fact I was even upset at church and was contemplating not going for two weeks. I was very upset and used that as the basis for my anger. Friday I did my weekly meeting to discuss anaother lesson in the "How People Change" class. I felt a wee tad better. But I was still upset in so many ways. But Before I took a nap I read the next chapter in the book. By the end of it my attitude changed. It was very different. I was no angry any longer. In fact I already have the lesson done and have revisted it. Today in sermons I was pondering at how much the gospel has changed me over time and even these last few months. And it is comforting. My sins do sadden me. But repcing hope in myself ewith hope in Christ, I have nohting to bast about. As left up to me things would be very different. I will miss the class during the break, it is only just now getting great. I think maybe I really ought to write a book. I think it does have a great basis how one born to be a preachers son and fell before he was old enough to know God, now jounries back to where he was meant to be in the first place. Without the background or theology. A simple common man. I amnot sure but it is something that I have been pondering over these last week or two during my blog silence. Much like psalms 88 the book will not end with the answers or on a happlily ever after note. It will end with a work in progress. Maybe Iwill share my notes form the lesson here soon. I do have alot to share, but folks are so busy lately, few stop by here to check out thigns, and in reality folks are busy with school and holiday end of year stuff.
posted by Tom at 10:48 PM
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Wednesday, November 01, 2006
I am turning into Pharisee. My legalism is growing. I seem to rather bask in the knowledge or feel good about a spiritual event rather than push forward further towards Christ. I will feel in Gd one minute and then back in the World seconds later. And all around me I can see some of my friends and God working through them and hearing their struggles.
One friend told me of his reading of Future Grace by John Piper. I have heard get get all excited and passionate in conversations about apple computers, as do I. Yet I have never heard him as excited to talk about the book. I have never heard him more passionate. A newer friend asked for prayer for his purity on an upcoming road trip back home. I barely know this guy. That takes much trust and strength to ask for that so early. That was really cool to see. That has got to be God at work. There are many friends that struggle with various sins. And various events in life. And yet this does not encourage me as it should. I still fall back into the world. I will get that revelation or come to an understanding in a particular sin in my life and feel the light yet I stop there. I do not keep going back. Here is the kicker of what hurts so much. The least I do unto man is the most I do unto God. And what I do unto God is what I do unto man. I know that we are fallen yet we rally do have a hard time in relationships. Getting over self is such a huge task. Even as Christ calls us into self denial, it is so very difficult. I mean even looking at the bigger picture there are many more out there starving, homeless, sick, elderly, widows, orphans and so much more. Yet we all want that new Xbox. In relationships, we often focus in on ourselves. We do not focus in on others as much. I know that we will always focus in ourselves to one degree or another, just physical needs, like drinking or going to the bathroom. There are 7 deadly sins. Yet I truly see only one. The rest are a bonus. Pride, they all are rooted in pride. I have gotten in touch with many of my old community group. It has been good to hear their stories and struggles. It gave me something to pray for them on. And then I get word this Thanksgiving I will not spend it alone. NOT........ahhhh finally. There will be a few folks here gathering. I can't wait. Solo holidays suck. That's most likely why I hate most of them and get bah humbugish. Anyways the voice is getting louder to deny myself. And The more ways do I find to not deny and give in. In sermon last I am turning into Pharisee. My legalism is growing. I seem to rather bask in the knowledge or feel good about a spiritual event rather than push forward further towards Christ. I will feel in Gd one minute and then back in the World seconds later. And all around me I can see some of my friends and God working through them and hearing their struggles. Actually thign are kinda rough right now. There are more question marks than there are periods. ANd it is drianing me. Mainly because they revolve around others. So I may not get the answer until it's too late. It's hard to have faith with so many thigns in all honesty for me lately. ALso in sermon it was said its not about being in control but under God's control. I guess i blew that one too. When I think about it, I really do want control over everything in my life. I do not seek God as much as I should I know. Even when I struggle witht he lack of control with things in life, I do not seek him often enough. I am slipping back into a worldly sorrow. But as firend pointed out the closer I draw to GOd the more sins I see...so this within itself could be a misplaced blessing. Actually I think I will run with that. To be honest right now I am happy but sad with things. Happy of the new found relationships and revelations, yet saddened by the ever prevailant sins of self that are mounting and my lack of putting others first. Coming back to self and not staying with God. Things are not peaches n fun right now.
posted by Tom at 10:26 AM
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