 Thursday, August 31, 2006
Earlier this summer, in fact Spring I saw a nice lil flick, Take the Lead.
This week I had a lil gathering of frinds with dinner and a movie. the very same movie. These last few months (let alone these last three weeks) things have changed, for the better, deepened, etc where now the word Gospel transformation has come up alot. transformation, molding, change, growth. Many areas in life need some tweakage and inviting of others in my life in those said areas (health, finances, spirituality etc). What is my role in leadership? The engine up front pulling the train? The caboose pushing the train? Ot the guy in the passenger cart going car to car making sure things are still running and often times sitting in the same seats with the passengers? My leadership is often a hidden behind the scenes keeping theings running in s aservant like support. But the changes in life... I feel it in conversations with people these days...there is something different in most of my talks at church and the folks through out the week. Something has changed. Now I see self and want out of self to let room for the holy spirit to work. The benefits of dance, health, social skills, self-esteem, grace I can go on for an hour on these benefits.... How can we use the philosophy of dance as it is very relational just as the gospel is. How can dance be used as the medium for gospel transformation where dance is only the vessel and not the whole event. Where prayer and the bible ourrelationships with God are more prominate than the dance aspect. My journey is taking shape somewhat. There is much to ponder and I will have a lot of time here this weekend when i go to my family reunion. When I come back I have a feeling things will be set in action. These changes that have come and those that are to come how can they be used in such a way for the glory of God? How can my life be used in a way for him? Just wanting the dance has links several issues together for me to happen. Fiances, health, and even relationships. The desire within me is that while this is happening and when it comes to a new stage (or what seems the work completed) to help others and make it a ministry to others... Dancing is a way of life, it is about realationships and gospel transformation changes you. But the relationship with God will and should be developed first aobve all. I pray this is not just my will but God's will and that my desires are his and not mine. God. relationships. helth. dance. life. gospel. molding. God.
posted by Tom at 8:54 AM
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Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Sometimes an answered prayer is like a rug pulled from under you but you are still standing. It leaves you wondering if you should have fallen or what you are to do from here.
Even in spekaing with other people here lately, I can sense a change in how I realte to them and they me. There is something there that I haven't felt before. Transformation...what a word. Looking at the journey ahead I think several additions have just come up. To be added to the journey. It has become slightly, just a hint of overwelming. But a very small hint. Yet It is being molded. Just give it to him and everything will and is forming to his will. I cant talk about it all right now, can;t form the words for it all...but it is all good. All very good.
posted by Tom at 10:03 PM
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Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Ah some time to sit and collect my thoughts. Today was a great day. Still a tad on the not feeling well side, but things went just so well. Things got done and now I am tired. There were some great thoughts in the middle of the day that have helped a lot. I got the listen to the sermon from two weeks ago that really hit home. In fact I listened twice.
But I feel well and peaceful for the moment. I know that the last few days I have been drifting away from the stronghold I felt there last week. Not feeling well does have a draining effect on people. But that is no excuse for not putting forth effort in relationships, especially with God. I guess I am not looking back far enough. My favorite stories are those of redemption. Where a villain so evil can turn to good for whatever, but more so that he does a 180 and does the reverse of what they once were doing. I could go on about this one. But I know that this too may be my story. Maybe it is one that I can share with others one day. There are too many thoughts to sort through right now. And maybe I should not share them. Rather take them to prayer. No one else is home, perfect alone time with God. Finish cleaning up from tonights festivities and take some quiet alone time with God. Three times today have I come to thought, once form the sermon, once from a blog, and then from a movie. What am I feeling at the moment? That he is not there, yet he is here!
posted by Tom at 10:05 PM
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Wednesday, August 23, 2006
I am still trying to go over all the thoughts from the readings of the Pursuit of holiness from Jerry Bridges. I have the audiobook which I listed to maybe 5 times, and the book I read 1.5 times, and the one full time with the book went with the audiobook going at the same time so I stayed with the book. Then to take things up a notch I did the study guide too.
The study guide did give some great questions but some of them I thought were very misleading or the answers had nothing to do wit the questions. But I still saw great progress in the chapters. It started early and asked for you to give an answer what holiness means to you. Here is what I wrote. Holiness: becoming pure and without flaw in completeness or shalom, selfless as a part of a greater kingdom and world. It reasked the same question near the very end. Holiness: a total putting off of yourself second to God and doing his will against your own and holding to his promises and word. Not only removing of old self to seek new self in Christ, but to loose self in order to find Christ. I can see how the answer got more developed over the course of the workbook. But here are more notes of what I took away from the book. Those are the big points that got me while reading through it all. There were many more small ones but these are the main ones. But there are several scriptures that stood out as well. Romans 12:2, 1 Corinthians 6:18-19, Philippians 4:11-13, Colossians 1:9-11, John 5:39-40, Romans 6:19 Even the times I was upset at the questions I still would recommend getting it. It does get you thinking. This is not a how to solve all your problems book, or how to be that winning Christian book. For me it was a book that more clearly defined the road ahead. Helped give light to some of the darkness I was in regarding my sin. Its an opening book, not a closing one. It points you back towards Christ. For everyone I can imagine this book different. Much like the neverending story, everyone who read (red not reed) it, read a different story. Depending on where you are in your walk, life, and sins, this book may have a different effect on folks.
posted by Tom at 8:31 AM
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Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Not exactly another case of the Monday's, but a good Monday it was. You never know when God wants to tell you something, or when you can learn something form someone. Last night was the bowling night I have been trying to plan for some time now. It finally happened and several folks were there. It was fun. Even though my scores were not that great, it was lots of fun.
But then it got spiritual for me. After the bowling fun we hit up a nice ice cream joint. So I am sipping on my peanut butter cup shake when I over heard a question about how work was going. Earlier in the evening I mentioned to one of the guys that I knew tomorrow was going to be a bad day. It is my Monday (first work day of the week) which is always packed as it is, but the weekend shift there was a new sports thing for the high schools and I messed it up. So I got an email about it. Which the tones are never pleasing, anyways I was expecting the day to be not to well at all. So that was my comment to my friend about work. Now at the ice cream joint He asked one of the other women there about how work was going. I can't remember the whole answer but she said that she shouldn't complain. That hit me. You could hear in her voice it may not have been a great job, but she could not complain. I have an issue with that myself. It is hard not to complain there as I just, well would like a new job or new schedule where I can sleep like a human again. But what I did do that night is I went home and did some serious prayer. I did write down many requests and prayed them all. I asked God for his help. I know how angry and frustrated get in those situations. In a place where grace is no where around. Where only perfection is allowed it is hard to not get defensive and defend ones self in such a way that defies godliness like meekness and humility. So I am there in such a place angry and frustrated. Within my own power I cannot change this. I took it to prayer. I eventually passed away into slumber and felt good when I woke up. I prayed once again on my way into work. I wanted my focus to be on working as if for Christ and not man. Yes my day still had its flaws and a few work habits need some tweaking, but the day went ok. Nothing bad occurred. Something felt different. So I picked up my devotional bible tonight which I am finding a bit gimmicky. Ya know Christianity with a cause kind of book. It has given me some great insights on something and does help some. But it is still gimmicky. It had a series on relating to my workplace. Some of it stood out but I came to most of it in prayer and scripture. My thoughts are still all over right now with the work issue. But knowing that I have a job, I should be thankful. When I complain about the work what exactly am I complaining about? Is there more to it than what I say? Also when working work as if it is for God and not man. Which the secret is we always work for God but we put man in front. Or even our own hearts and desires first. Someone else may be at fault for your plight, but if you are a believer in Christ, nothing comes to you that doesn't first pass through God's hands. Lius Palau; Where is God when bad things happen? Bad day at work? I someone to blame? Maybe they are. But we forget to recognize God's sovereignty in the situation and follow him accordingly. Today by his doing I remembered to not let anger and frustration take over when one of the expected bad conversations started. I remembered. It was over before I knew it. Now in working for the lord and not man I found a great verse that stood out so much more in one version than the others. Most put it in terms like if you work for god you will succeed. I have a problem with this translation. It does not mean you will succeed in that task and it does seem to give a false promise. As sometimes he means us to fail in order to learn and better understand his love and grace for us. Sometimes to learn it is hard. But here is the verse in in New King James.
It's not about succeeding, but establishing your thoughts. This spoke to me as work for God and you will be revealed. What you have inside and who you are will come out in your work. Your heart and thoughts will become established in your work. That's at least how this verse stood out to me. But the difference in one version can sometime throw one off. But one belief I have had for some long time I saw it in words from another tonight. Better said than I. Think of this as if we live and work, out whole of life is unto God... No translation is quite effective as the flesh-and-blood edition. Vance Havner (North Carolina Pastor) In our work lives we may very well be more of a translation of the word, through our lives, that we may confuse or run others away from him while we work, live, and play. This is often hard to accomplish to those in our everyday lives. Yet it is often what we do behind the scenes that should go unnoticed and unsaid. God knows. It is a hard line to draw I know. And one last thought of the night, is I saw just a tad bit more of how I have no power or control. I cannot take credit for any of the changes in my life no matter how secular I try to be, because the world is performance oriented you have to produce and change. Yet I see it is God working in my as I know there have been several occasions where I did not chose my action I wanted to. On my way to work this morning I realized I have no power whatsoever. If I did then I would have created myself. God created and has power. Otherwise we could create our own selves. He created, he controls. Just as we create something we claim it as our own and take pride in it. We control what happens to it or not. Like a macaroni sculpture. We made it, we love, it, it is all ours. We control who we show it to. Or decide to trash it when we grow up. God made us. He loves us. We are his so therefore he controls us. Oh yeah and on my way to the bathroom today I thought of Sigmund Freud (Fraud), he commented that man made our image of God in our need for him. So we made him up. Hey Siggy old buddy...Maybe we were created to see God? We did not create god out of nesessicty, he created us.
posted by Tom at 10:02 PM
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Friday, August 18, 2006
Monday set the tone and changed the course of this week. In fact it started at one point as as a long train ride, was an adventure and now has stopped at a station with thoughts all around.
Monday I read all but the first two chapters of A.W. Tozer's Pursuit of God. I already had the first two chapters read. It was very addicting. I was left convicted and felt my heart was ripped out of my body and dipped into a bucket of razors and then the bucket filled with vinegar. I was in tears at two different points in the book. I was in some good prayer and fell asleep peaceful. I woke up and still felt it in me. Then everything changed after that. I got an email that through me off. It was a misunderstanding and due to a bad night I was the one that took the brunt of an attack. Now the email was fine and understandable but the one line that threw me off was it attacked my faith. And then I got a nice visit from an old friend, Anger. I was so angry I was in prayer a lot that day. I even talked to two different friends to help me try to remain my focus. They both were encouraging and it helped me through it. It was from God they were able to help me. Now that day at work I could not focus. So I kept notepad opened and typed out all my thoughts throughout the day. That and I was in prayer a lot. I came to a few conclusions or revelations of where I am. It wasn't pretty. Even though I was the one wronged it was my relationship with me and God that was in test. I saw that from my reaction to that email, I still have much to work on in my heart and God. It's not depressing at all, in fact I was glad to see it. So here are my notes this week. It really is a lot of questions but all shows me where we as christians today seem to be, and where I am personally. I. From Pursuit of God The presence of a veil in my heart is deep cutting. Even in my walk, self has lived un-rebuked at the alter before God. Much as the man in the mirror, it is not hard to identify but only have to look into my heart from God. This is who I am not what I do. We dare not rest content with a neat doctrine of self-crucification. So far I am seeing how bad I am in self. So much is for me that i do not take time in relationship with God. We hide our face from God even though he has seen more of it than we ever will. Yet when we will give our accounts to him what shall we do? Run away form knowing our sins will be revealed in a very real and uber frightening way? When we run from that very day and turn to see him in our face, nose to nose all of the sudden, will we drop to our knees? Will we ask repentance? Will we come to him as saints or sinners? The thought and fear of hell might cause some to come as saints full of self. Others drop in unworthiness knowing full well sin. What shall I do? If a book brings me to tears over my sins then what will I do upon that day when I am called to give an account? When I put too much or any faith in man I was and am lonely. For one man can be measured. There is no need of faith in man as his actions measure him. For it is wanting that faith in man to journey with, befriend, whatever...it is then that I am lonely. Yet when I seek that faith in God whom cannot be measured, I am not alone or lonely. When I seek him he becomes real and fulfills more than any man can. He cannot let me down. Yet my expectations can and do in man or self (let me down, or anyone) II. Tuesdays notes No matter how angry I am I still have no rights thus. I am on the defensive so it shows how much I value my own worth or faithfulness. I know where I am in my faith with Christ and should put my refuge in him not I. I know meekness is where I need some work and brokenness. Putting my value and securities in man is what keeps me lonely and alone. I should not worry what others think of me as I know, I hope, what God thinks of me. I feel like I am loosing control, but then isn't that what the Christian walk is about? Not being in control and letting God in control? And steward only what he has given us? Do we really claim this much as our own, even control? When someone wrongs us why do we stay angry at them? Or get mad at all? Isn't it God's will that happened? Why do we take it upon ourselves to want to right the wrong or revenge? Are we not supposed to grant grace and forgiveness? (I know we are) It is hard for us to give up things, control, anger, justification as it gives us entitlement and covers our insecurities (while we have it we have value) and cannot and more often do not give it to God. That Was Monday and Tuesday. That is a lot of stuff in two days. But something slipped. Self came back in and so did some of my old sins. They are current sins as I am alive, but I want to call them old since I do not want them anymore. I have not been as close in my devotions as I was monday and tuesday. I can feel the difference. There is more I read that has been grasping a conviction upon my heart. I went back and re-read some in the Studies in the Sermon on the Mount from Dr. Martin Lloyd Jones. I have read those chapters previously mind you. And they were not as deep or hit home as they did when I read them this week. From the chapter Blessed are the merciful We are not meant to control our Christianity; our Christianity is rather meant to control us... (it is a fallacy to think in any other way, and to say, for example, To be truly Christian I must take up and use Christian teaching and then apply it...the position rather is that my Christianity controls me; I am to be dominated by the truth because I have been made a Christian by the operation of the Holy Spirit within. Pg82 Now that is also cutting. It takes self, out of the equation. We are not in control. You can even take it so far as to have control since you have a choice. But the focus is not control self to Christianity but to follow la Christian life by works of the Holy Spirit. It's not about keeping tabs of who is in control. It is about obediently following. That's what I believe from this. The trouble is letting go. To anything that delivers you to sin. Anything primary to god are the first things on the list. Friends, family, idols, self...especially self. When we carry our cross we don't get a carry on bag. We seem to be able to let go of everything but ourselves. That is the most difficult. Now I sit here wandered back away a slight now missing where i was Monday evening. And in that process of being broken I was broken again in seeing that there are more issues in my heart to work on. I was amazed, actually frightened, how much anger controlled me. Then came mercy and forgiveness. Which Those are areas in life where love has not been allowed in my heart. At times I do not know who i am anymore. This week showed me how much I want to seek him, yet how much anger and pride I have inside me. I look at that person and ask who is he? Am I he? There is no way. Either God is breaking me of my old self into a new creation or he is bringing me out to be the man I am and the man he calls me but peeling away at the new self that has taken on the clothing of the world. I have been a child outside in the world playing in the mud. And when it comes time to go home there he is in his whitest robes trying to clean me up. Trying to take off the evil filthy and dirty clothes and I am trying to keep them on. Seeing oneself for who they are is a hard thing to see. Yet I do not want him to stop showing me. I don't want to stop being broken. I have seen glimpses of the veil being torn down and in the light I saw it was not only god it was I the one I am in Christ was also tearing down the walls. He is there. During those glimpse I felt a freedom I do not get to see very often. The tears this week have been from joy and freedom. Some of shock after seeing myself of evil. Also Tuesday there were two things that brought me relief in all this that helped me maintain focus. Well one was selfish pleasure (Mama's Family will be on dvd) but it was the song Amazing grace. Amazing Grace how sweet the sound
posted by Tom at 7:18 PM
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Wednesday, August 16, 2006
...nuff said
posted by Tom at 12:02 PM
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Tuesday, August 15, 2006
...you realize that while you hurt you are away from God. That does not make sense I know. But neither does this whole last 72 hours. Well actually it does too.
Since Friday twice have I been upset and angered. Once at my taking offense to something and second to harsh unchrst-like words from a fellow brother in christ. Well his actions were not christ-like I find it hard to consider him christian. In all this I have had much anger and frustrations even a huge side of bitterness. I think I got the platter special that was on discount. Gernerous portions for a cheap price. The sad ting its cheap but it gains interest like mad. So it does get very expensive. I am angry. And those I have shared this expereince with more than understand why and are very suproized I was treated in such a way as I was. Until it is resolved I cannot say details. But only those of what God has put in front of me. While I sit here angry and mad I feel justified in such. As far as this world goes that is fine and dandy. But not with God. While a relationship with another may be causing issues why do I let it replace the intimacy I seek with God. Trough this I see that I am a sinner. I still believe in myself. Apart form god no man should. Meekness, grace, and forgiveness...I have been charged in these three areas this weekend. Mostly from Tozer's Pursuit of God. And taking the two incedents out of consideration and taking what is left with me and God. If I were to act upon what I feel I am right with then I will miss out on furhter intimacy with the creator and then deeper relationships now and future. I am actually thankful I go through these now so I will understand better when I get married, God willing, but in any and all relationships. Christ suffered those who used his name. He suffered for those that lived his name, the name of the father. I can see that there is still much pride left in me that needs to be broken. So something bad was done to me. That's nice. What does it mean with me and God? That I am a sinner and I cannot do this by my own power as mine is corrupt and evil will only spill anger and hatred over. Being broken is very humbling. I have lived with pain and anger for so long. And giving it to God is a hard process. I still want to feel control over it. Yet we all want control over our lives. But man is not meant to have control. At all. We are to shepard or become stewards of what we are given here on earth from money and physicla items to heart felt sthings such as love and caring. We have no control only God has complete control. Yet as all, but I can only say I, still try to hold on to that. We do not want to give it to him. I sit here angry can;t give it to him as I want to control it all. Lord please break me. It hurts knowing I hold onto this. I was already workign through these thigns when this morning happened. One friend said it was a test after the book. One pop quiz that caught me off guard. I want to freely love and that is so hard to do. today I came to another place, In knowing meekness is really something to be looked into, It occured to me it should not matter where man (anyone) thinks I am in my faith or walk with God, that is only between God and I. It hit me, he knows more than I do. I felt everything had its time and palce. That even this even was meant to be. God has been letting me know he really is everywhere in my life. He loves to give us mirrors. And they are not the purdy ones ya see in barber shops and hair salons. All in all, I could be angry or whatever human emoiton I want. Or even know how to deal with. But in doing so puts up a floodwall between I and his work. I p[ray that I can let it flow and not put up anymore walls than I have to. It is not between me and the person who wrongged me, but between me and God. I see that when anyone puts faith in man that we are alone and lonley. But when we put our faith in God, we are not alone at all. As I have felt this more and more over these last few weeks. My alone-ness was not based on God. It was without God.
posted by Tom at 10:54 PM
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Read the Pursuit of God last night. It was a very fast read. But very deep. Very convicting. It had me in tears twice it was so moving. Had a good night of sleep afterwards too. I may have to read it again.
Then I find that those you want to be a christian brother too can hurt you just as much as those who are non-beleivers. But quickly I must turn this over to God. to help me over the hurt, and help those that are in need of him.
posted by Tom at 7:27 AM
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Sunday, August 13, 2006
I guess in order to make sense of this all I should start from the beginning. These last two weeks have been wonderful for me. They have been very based in the word and prayer. Well not as much as it might ought to be, but it has been a lot more than it was. Consistent too which is also a first for me. Well I have been but never like this.
Friday I was to meet up with two folks and I was ready for a eye opening day something spiritually uplifting and I came away angry actually. I blocked it off though. Put up my defensive walls and played the game so to speak. This stayed with me. There were two points that upset me but there was one that really has rubbed me the wrong way. I was very upset and frustrated. Not immensely but enough that It dominated more thoughts than I would have liked to. All this over the point of sarcasm. Now here comes the kicker. I know it does speak against this in Ephesians, directly says sarcasm depending on the translation. But that to me is a translation issue. Regardless if you do look at the whole picture sarcasm may not be a very beneficial thing. Sometimes downright ungodly. You can tell me it is wrong. This I can deal with. But the message was not bad for godly means. It came off as one who does not like it and would rather stay uptight. In my opinion. That is what I saw and the request for the no sarcasm came off very ungodly. So much that I ignored the request as it being a self-righteous request from those that made it of me. If I had heard God in there, I could have been convicted. But alas I did not. I heard two persons personal campaign to squash it regardless just because they did not like it. No where did I hear God in the request. As once they came off that self-righteous attitude i could feel their minds were icy and closed off to any reason or logic understanding or meet God in the middle and go from there. Nothing. Closed minded completely. It was a case of an external issue and not one of the heart. I would have listened if it were. I stayed upset. In fact as I write this I still have some feelings about this. It is wrong for them to do so and make this request. The day went on. In fact later that night I had some folks over and we played the board game RISK and had a lot of fun. Many laughs. And with it being all men....you can imagine. Sarcasm was everywhere around! It was all in good fun. I later thought back on this night and was like hahah sarcasm that! I wished they were there so they would have exploded their heads in complete craziness. Saturday comes up on me. I have started listening back to What's so amazing about grace. Just listening to this did help point me out one thing. While I was so mad at them in how the request came of me, I totally became the hypocrite. That for the first time I saw that I am self-righteous. Two year ago I was not. Even at that it was face value and therefore had no meaning. But I see how I am now. While I was upset I felt justified in being upset. I was well withing my rights to be angry. To be labeled sarcastic and uncaring. Might have well called me Satan and put three sixes on my head or something. But I saw that I was very bitter over this. I was wronged and I was better than them for I understood and they did not, they even refused so therefore I was clean and they were dirty. Well all this after it really hit me that I thought I was right they are wrong and I am better than they...it hit me. I really am self-righteous. So I took this to confession in prayer. I am still trying to understand in confession to myself over this. Talk about pride. I took it to scripture. I read some of the book and got some good notes. It only begins with pride and self-righteousness but it continues on the other side of the coin of grace and forgiveness. Forgiveness and grace are needed in all relationships. I see that with the closes around me and those that do mean evil for me. Even in the sarcasm in a matter of heart, yeah I can see where that needs work. Listening to those I walk with spiritually (in this case) I see that they did not lead me to Christ in this request. Yet God did. Scripture pointed me to him. Last week I learned this valuable lesson:
I came to scripture and see that I have failed in this one area of my heart. But now I have to take this to him. I have and will continue to do so. Prayer and confession have only started the healing a bitter heart. I read this that gave me comfort and helped me to understand that sarcasm may need some working of the heart.
The words A sanctified heart......this jumped out at me and instead of rubbing my nose in it as one would a dog, it rubbed my heart in it. Sanctification comes only from one place, one person, one all. Him. Taking this and the scripture from John to heart...it is he who has set works in me and to him should I turn to. This morning I think it was I turned back to scripture again. This time I picked up my devotional bible and started flipping just to find somewhere to start. It took half a second, literally when i came up on a devotion called you are proud and cocky. I paused. Looked up to my ceiling trying to guess what he was wanting to tell me. It was a half funny moment but spooky with the timing none the less. The story was sorta weak I thoughttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.quote.gifht. It did not jump at me. But the scripture did. Take control of what I say, O LORD, and keep my lips sealed. Don't let me lust for evil things;don't let me participate in acts of wickedness. Don't let me share in the delicacies of those who do evil. Psalm 141:3-4 (New Living Translation) Which comes after a few times recently praying (not word for word) psalms 139:23-24 has brought me to a second lesson. That I should not put too much into man. I should not put anyone above the Lord in any area of life. I looked to them for spiritual guidance but more so than I did to scripture, and even scripture more than I did towards God. I was upset I guess as I felt they failed me. But I failed God by putting more into them than he. Even in sermon the previous week it was said do not put your family above god. That is a hard one to swallow but if we do put family above, we fail to acknowledge that life on earth is temporal and not eternal. While seeking God we may have a family, yes, but our family is a small family to what we would have on the other side of the clouds. It is better to trust the LORD than to put confidence in people.Psalm 118:8 (New Living Translation) Being wronged, I think I may have brought some of it on myself as I was bitter over the wrong reason. I wasn't as mad as it not being a godly request, but that it was actually made to me. I too missed the heart of the issue. Self righteousness blocks the heart and closes minds. It did to us all in that room the other day. But I can only account for myself at this point. But the opposite of this is grace. Grace and forgiveness have been a big issue for me. Healing some serious wounds from my mother nearly two decades ago, I see that it may be time to let go and put faith back in God. Read that the word forgive has the base word give. That is so very deep. It now means something different. Forgiving is not just saying it's ok, it is giving those that wronged you something in return. Grace? Maybe. It is giving back to them that you will not record this wrong and love them in spite (I think that's the right word for this) of what they did unto you. Forgive or for GIVE? I like the latter. Now this brings a great opportunity to pray for them. Well anyone who wrongs you, it is a chance to pray for them. Pray for our enemies and even those that are close and wrong us. I read something that quoted Bonehoffer Through the medium of prayer we go to our enemy, stand by his side, and plead for him to God. Jesus does not promise that when we bless our enemies and do good to them they will not despite fully use and persecute us. They certainly will. But not even that can hurt or overcome us, so long as we pray for them...We are doing vicariously for them what they cannot do for themselves. (Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship. New York: Macmillan, 1959, pp.134-35) I think in context this was for our enemies that does not know Christ or are unbelievers. But it does show us setting our time for those who are not us or wrong us even defile us we are giving them time, even greater than time we are giving them our heart. We must for GIVE as it is commanded and if we are to be for GIVEn. Now the big picture. This has been such a great revelation of who I am. Above accepting at face value. Now that the true value has been established at least. What if this were to happen in a family? Or even one day to a wife? This may have been a great test in relationships this weekend. I see that I am even more a sinner now and that there is still an area on this journey to work on. I do not want to carry this over into family values when this comes along. But it does show me grace and forgiveness is needed in all relationships. Among those we fear, those we love, and those we like even those we do not know. To love others as we love ourselves...this to hit me like a bag of razors. Once again this weekend or the sarcasm discussion for example. Even my mother would be a great example. The two greatest commandments 1.) love god with ALL our hearts and 2.) love everyone (neighbors) as we do ourselves. If I do not forgive them then that reflects that I an unforgivable. That by not extending this love as commanded in the second greatest commandment would make me not love myself. God has been so wonderful to me this week. Two weeks. Year. Two years. Many more years. This weekend I guess he said get off yourself the way to me is not from man or scripture and defiantly is not from myself. Man does not live of bread alone, or fellowship, or scripture, or funny spiritual feelings in your gut after sermons. Stop the contemptment and come to me. Come home. It has een a blessing to see how much things have been changing or coming to surface after reading scripture much more frequently. It has also been a blessing to see him at work in the lives of others. This too warms my heart. Anger and bitterness arose from self righteousness. The opposite: Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Matthew 5 (New International Version) Now to answer my own blog. A journey seeking. I now have an answer (that has been brewing for sometime) A journey seeking...grace, forgiveness and shalom.
posted by Tom at 8:36 PM
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Thursday, August 10, 2006
Finally I have just completed the Pursuit of holiness workbook. I have the book, workbook and audio book. I read the book 1.5 times, listend to the audio 3-4 and read book with audio 1 time. The book was great it has been such an eye opener. Gave me new convictions and all that funn stuff.
Now the workbook, I think needs some serious reworking. SOme of the questions I loved and then some I hated as it seemed to throw me off. But there are still some major thoughts on this book. My friend Lorie says it was a life changing book for her, for me it was more of an eye opener. Whichever it is a great book. I think I still need to take a night here ina few days and summarize and reflect the wholness of what I read in this book. I know I have several pages of notes just form the workbook alone. Next I may read Tozer's Pursuit of God. I found it online for free so I downloaded it to read later. Now from what I know of Tozer is like dropping your heart into a bag of razor blades soaked in vinegar. Here was my introduction to Tozer (this was not from the Pursuit of God, but from another book that quoted him: The old cross is a symbol of death. It stands for the abrupt, violent end of a human being. The man in Romans times who took up his cross started down the road had already said good-bye to his friends. He was not coming back. He was going to have it ended. The cross made no comprimise, modified nothing, spared nothing; it slewed all of the man, completely and for good. It did not try to keep on good terms with its victim. It struck cruel and hard, and when it had finished its work, the man was no more. (The Best of A.W. Tozer, p176) Sheesh thats just very cutting. And so far after reading the intro and first chapter, it seems I may be in store for more of the same stuff. I may start up reading again another hjerry Bridged book The Discipline of Grace, but I may try to continue witht e book/audiobook combo again with Phillip Yancey's What's so amazing about Grace? Then I might just make those the next three. Then I thgouth about going back over and do the questions from the last book I read Never Beyond Hope and try to grasp a better understanding of those that stood out to me. Well I have only 20 books in line to read or pick up where I left off. Good thing I do not watch TV much anymore. In fact its rare. I will still do movies, but even they are down. Two years ago I would have said you were crazy if I were to give TV up...well I guess I am the crazy one now. Still I should nto get too far ahead ofmyself. There is still much taht needs pondering and prayer in life right now. So maybe its time to focus in on him and see where I go from here.
posted by Tom at 10:52 AM
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Tuesday, August 08, 2006
What does one do when you know you have wronged Christ? Or is it God? I am still trying to pinpoint are they three individuals as one or one as three or how? This is theology which can throw you off the trail. I wonder if Satan created theology, at least the word as a theology can separate a church or faith. One bad word, yes I consider theology a bad word, yet we all have one, but when the word is used it brings tension and division it seems. I am coming to grasps that I am not Calvinist even though I have have some Calvinist tendacies.
But back to the point, I have wronged him. I know there have been several times in life where I felt alone. I have even felt this a few times at church but the thought goes like this...When I am around everyone knows me, I am there. But when I am gone (or have just left) I am the first person everyone forgets. This theme comes up every so often in my life. Even this last Sunday I felt a bit aloneness but I did not treat it normally. Instead of drowning in it, I went home and started my trip to God. Did some reading and stuff but my focus was not on myself, I was driven towards God. This is a very good sign. For one it shows I am still human and it still does hurt, but also it showed me that I don;t have to sulk about it, I can turn the pain and sorrows into another direction and even towards Christ instead of an escape. This was good. Now back to this thought, the first one everyone forgets theory. It hit me that is what I, and I am sure so many others, do to Christ. It's Sunday Christ is everywhere! Ok Time to go home and go to bed, He is still there. I pass out and wake up the next morning. Christ who? I could be reading a very good book or even some scripture, even a book on the scripture. Some deep thoughts come my way, I feel opened to a new truth (an old truth applied in a new way) I feel connected and even twenty minutes later, I do something contrary to the stuff I just read. I do the opposite of the revelation and conviction just received. I get angry when I feel that I am the first person everyone forget and yet I do it to him all the time. I feel as I have just punched myself in the stomach...Figuratively...The term hypocrite does not do this feeling justice. I know I have forgotten him before but knowing that I do the same thing to him that I hate feeling myself...shessh. It is knowing he is around, the same occurs he is waiting in line to talk with me, to journey, to be there for me, and I stand there not stopping what I am doing talking to whomever. I see him there, I know he is around but I am not giving up first my self, then thier other person, I am sacrificing nothing for him while he is there next to me waiting on me. If I do this, how many others do this? To him and then to others? This last week and a half has been a crazy time. The other day I did not know how to pray or what to pray for on folks around me. Then all at once I get three right off bat. And these are all a serious prayer. Not just a please let me get an A on my test prayer, but a here is an issue in life that is making things difficult for me. A prayer I typically don;t want to just say n get it over with but make sure it radiates in my heart before I pray it. Even if it is short, I still want it to be prevailing in my heart first and above all. I have hit some crazy valleys, and I know there are a few close friends in some sort of valley now. And I really want to do what I can to help them back out of it. I do pray that I am able to return the love that so many have given to me during those times, even the good times....
Amen to that
posted by Tom at 9:44 PM
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Last ngiht I started to write an entry but it just sounded too crazy. I tried to make it a story form, somehting to show a point. But now that I look back upon it, it's blah, very very blah.
In a nutshell it is becoming more obvious to me that one sin is not just one sin. That one sin may be a byproduct or lead to another sin. It comes as a package deal. Now I see that somoene has hacked my website, wonderful news. Tasteless picture too. A wonderful godless photo where my website should be.....I want to be mad and retaliate but that's not godlike in return now is it? So then I called tech support to get things taken care of...well after the call I felt a prick. I thought I must have gotten a splinter. Then I saw it was a bee on my shirt.....I freaked out, took my shirt off and ran to the other side of the apartment. I hate bees and insects. Utter fear them. I went crazy until I killed it. I have no idea how it got in here as we have not had the balcony opened for some time now. So this is a wild day. I am behind on everything, got hacked, and stung. I wonder if God sent that bee? I really need some time to break down last week and even this week...it has been long that's for sure.
posted by Tom at 9:12 AM
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Sunday, August 06, 2006
It is crazy how one could be minded on God and contemplative, and then chill out so far that it takes more effort to get where you were than being there in the first place. I think I might be coming down with something to close to it. My ears have been popping a lot, getting annoying but I maybe congested.
Anyways this week has been a full week. So much happened. Thursday night and Friday were some big days. I finished a book and copied all my loose notes so far from the pursuit of holiness into a new notebook, so much easier to get to the notes now. So I have had much review of where I have been over these last few months. But knowing where I am now, well that is a different story. It seems there has been a shift of heart, a shift in the planets lining up so to speak. Tonight at service were two really wonderful songs. But it was the second song that really stood out. We have only sung it once before I believe, not many I know. It only came out not to long back. It is downloading now. So all is well. The one doing the singing tonight was so beutiful, loud, and with passion from her heart. This was the best I think I have ever heard her, either that or the song was so powerful it hit me more. She was great. After the service I let her know that she did a great job and then I commented “It's about time you got loud!” You could feel her singing it from the heart. It is from Matt Redman called “You never let go” The lyrics can be found here. The louder she got the more it hit me. The more it resonated with my heart. In this highs and lows God has not left me. I know there is much healing needed in my life. I feel now more than ever that God has purpose for me. I am not quite sure yet, but there is something stirring, something brewing. There is much more molding needed into that man, the one he calls me to be. And he did provide. One of the hardest issues I have had is with family. And then since it was supposed to be a preacher and his wife...that did not happen and I grew up not godless, but hard to get connected to God. So I have had a hard time with love and family. I did not have that supportive love. And when I say in prayer dear heavanly father....it's odd. My father wasn't that great loving supportive one I needed during those years growing up. So I took refuge in comics and stuff. Rarely would my father express love and it was typically during the hard times, but other than that the L word was not used. So I guess I grew up with a messed up view of love. It cam around every now and then but when you needed it, was no where to be found. I had to make my own love. So then I started many habits and self love and worship. If no one will love me or take care of me then I have to. Even later I could not give myself up completely in a relationship. For me Love meant Self. Both a four letter word. Love hurts yets, yet when it is self and not love, Self hits below the belt. Love hits the heart. This would describe my last serious relationship. I was not in love, I was in self. Felt better to have someone so I elevated myself up. I stayed this way for years. Now I see that is not right, good, or godly. I want to know what love is, now I got a flood of 80's songs lyrics now hahaha. Well God is letting me know what love is. Webster's was wrong, they cannot defining love, in fact the whole dictionary cannot even match the pages it will take to tell of it in full. The topic is the shift. In one of my counseling sessions the point or goal was set to work on the relationship with my mother and father. Very shortly after that I called my father. It was a typical call. Just checking in seeing how everyone is doing and such. Then it was time to end the call. All was normal. It typically ends with a holler at ya later or something like that. But this time it was different. At the end he said he loved me. I have not heard those words for so many years. Out of the blue, nothing bad or major happening, just random. There must have been a shift as life, well I dunno. I lived for so long expecting not to hear that. I guess this has changed life. Nothing major on the outside. I guess I needed to hear that. I am still taking it all in. Yet in contrast when my mother says it I keep myself cold and distant as I do not want to get hurt again so I am very protective of myself. One parent says it and I am dumbfounded (from shock) and the other I am cold and protective and will now acknowledge it. Maybe like Jacob who from the get-go had a messed up family. My family has been broken and maybe it is his will to fix it, heal it, mend it. For the last several years my grandmother was still here we were never able all together for christmas. She said during her last one that one day we all would be. Now a few years alter my brother is married and a father. A new addition. My father may be close to getting re-married since the divorce 18 years ago. Family is in several pockets right now. Is it God through me that this may come to pass and be one family again? I d not know. But I feel in my heart family will be a part of my life one day and maybe soon. Yet the heavanly family is THE family, not just what is here on earth. I must unlearn all i know of family. To relearn what THE family will be on the other side of the clouds. While my family was breaking, he never let go. And now hearing three words from my father I know that I am not forgotten. The boy that was hurt was left behind and alone for many years. After being I guess comfortable growing up and being raised from selected comics and tv shows I wanted to grow up differently. I was already an adult. God has taken me in and is teaching me differently. He has always been there. He never let go but I tried so many times. I raised my hand for him to help me back up. He never let go. Even when I did not see his hands, He never let go. And then one day I will want to reach even further reaching to heaven for his hands. And may that day I too see that he never let go. My story may not be the same as others, it may have different pain and sufferings, yet I see that I may not have ever known the value of love or family. I might have seen it as a one hundred dollar bill. But now I see that the same bill to so many I see it as one hundred bills. Every bill every blessing counted and understood. Not just one good bill.
posted by Tom at 11:01 PM
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Friday, August 04, 2006
This is such a great verse.
Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect his will really is. This I got from the workbook for the Pursuit of Holiness. Which I love and hate that workbook. It will ask some deep questions and then some of the stupidest face value questions I have ever heard. The kinds that tend to throw you off track every time into a blank direction. So I mark those answers in as the stupidest questions. I actually write it is a stupid question as the answer then the next questions is deep and written seriously. It's kinda funny I think. I am reading 4 books at once. I have read a lot this week alone. My reading, bible time, prayer, and meditations are up this week. Which is a great sign. But there is one bad sign. I have recently become convicted of envy which has a side order of jealousy, frustration, and anger. Pretty much seeing folks at work, namely the new photographers, move on and get positions while I remain stuck at where I am at and not being able to obtain any goal I set for. When I should be happy for them I am angry at them and don't want anything to do with them because they got to be somewhere I would have liked to be while I suffer physically at my current position. I was in an ok mood all day yesterday and then after I saw them on my way out the door I became upset. But I was able to think through it and come to a reasonable place with things, at least acknowledging I have some envy to deal with. Even that it is beyond envy now. But this is one thing that I will need to work in my journey now. It is defiantly a matter of the heart. Last night I was able to get out with a friend and went walking. It did a lot of help. I felt even better than I did before. At least being able to air out my concerns and have someone listen. Even his encouraging words were actually encouraging this time. Typically when he tries to encourage me as such, I do not take them as encouraging. But this time, I could see that. Then I come home and discover roommate issues. One as well has been convicted of selfishness lately, as have I (pride), and then the other has some issues I am now concerned with. But with the selfish roommate (that just sounds wrong, but I can't give out names on here) we talked for a few and that with itself was amazing. I could see work being done in both of our lives. The other one we really need to sit down and encourage and love on him. I am not going to be a nazi but it is definite that there are some matter of the heart to contend with. I am not mad at him or anything, but I am concerned with for him. So last night was a very different night. It was a very relational day. Went to work, got angry, went home, and then things ran its course. But today is Friday, errands day and pay day...So time to get out into the world and do stuph! Yes I spelled it that way on purpose.
posted by Tom at 9:34 AM
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Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Last night I was reading some more into one the book Never Beyond Hope, by J.I. Packer. I read about Jacob and then Samson's mother who was unnamed in the bible. Now here is the best part.
When I was reading Jacob it was about family. From the beginning his family was messed up. From his mother helping him to cheat his brother of his birthright and then all the way near the end where his sons sold of their brother Joseph. And even in between it took him a while before he was really conencted with God. It really wasn't until he wresteled with God out in the desert that he then became close with God. Now coming from a broken home much like Jacob did this part did touch me a lil. As it was something I could relate to. Not that the same things happened but that the family wasnt complete or whole. But that is when I just felt something different. In seeing the whole picture of Jacob's crazy family life that down the road his son Joseph set many things great again. That the bad things that happen in a family God will set straight again. And this was very comforting. It may take some time but to remain faithful until then. I guess I would need to go back to those certain pages and pull from it what i felt.
posted by Tom at 9:03 AM
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links.tom links.other sojourn.blogs blogs.other blogroll.christian Thy way, not mine, O lord Thy way, not mine, O Lord, However dark it be; Lead me by Thine own hand, Choose out the path for me.
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