What does one do when you know you have wronged Christ? Or is it God? I am still trying to pinpoint are they three individuals as one or one as three or how? This is theology which can throw you off the trail. I wonder if Satan created theology, at least the word as a theology can separate a church or faith. One bad word, yes I consider theology a bad word, yet we all have one, but when the word is used it brings tension and division it seems. I am coming to grasps that I am not Calvinist even though I have have some Calvinist tendacies.

But back to the point, I have wronged him.

I know there have been several times in life where I felt alone. I have even felt this a few times at church but the thought goes like this...When I am around everyone knows me, I am there. But when I am gone (or have just left) I am the first person everyone forgets.

This theme comes up every so often in my life. Even this last Sunday I felt a bit aloneness but I did not treat it normally. Instead of drowning in it, I went home and started my trip to God. Did some reading and stuff but my focus was not on myself, I was driven towards God. This is a very good sign. For one it shows I am still human and it still does hurt, but also it showed me that I don;t have to sulk about it, I can turn the pain and sorrows into another direction and even towards Christ instead of an escape. This was good.

Now back to this thought, the first one everyone forgets theory. It hit me that is what I, and I am sure so many others, do to Christ. It's Sunday Christ is everywhere! Ok Time to go home and go to bed, He is still there. I pass out and wake up the next morning. Christ who?

I could be reading a very good book or even some scripture, even a book on the scripture. Some deep thoughts come my way, I feel opened to a new truth (an old truth applied in a new way) I feel connected and even twenty minutes later, I do something contrary to the stuff I just read. I do the opposite of the revelation and conviction just received.

I get angry when I feel that I am the first person everyone forget and yet I do it to him all the time. I feel as I have just punched myself in the stomach...Figuratively...The term hypocrite does not do this feeling justice. I know I have forgotten him before but knowing that I do the same thing to him that I hate feeling myself...shessh.

It is knowing he is around, the same occurs he is waiting in line to talk with me, to journey, to be there for me, and I stand there not stopping what I am doing talking to whomever. I see him there, I know he is around but I am not giving up first my self, then thier other person, I am sacrificing nothing for him while he is there next to me waiting on me.

If I do this, how many others do this? To him and then to others?

This last week and a half has been a crazy time. The other day I did not know how to pray or what to pray for on folks around me. Then all at once I get three right off bat. And these are all a serious prayer. Not just a please let me get an A on my test prayer, but a here is an issue in life that is making things difficult for me. A prayer I typically don;t want to just say n get it over with but make sure it radiates in my heart before I pray it. Even if it is short, I still want it to be prevailing in my heart first and above all.

I have hit some crazy valleys, and I know there are a few close friends in some sort of valley now. And I really want to do what I can to help them back out of it. I do pray that I am able to return the love that so many have given to me during those times, even the good times....

oh no you never let go, through the calm and through the storm

Amen to that