 Saturday, April 30, 2005
Oh yeah and yesterday my "Man in the mirror" that I have been referring to.....sounds so familiar now. As it was pointed out to me yesterday Romans 7:14-25 is the same story. That really summed up so much of that story and imagry I was using.
Romans 7:14-25
posted by Tom at 11:20 AM
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Well it seems I was sending off a different voice that was well received yesterday. And a direction given. I can get all nice dramatic and mystical but I won't. I read Romans 7 and 8, well most of 7. I may need to re-read it as it made more sense this time.
Yesterday's topics really did come back to the anonymous comment left in a previous post. That and the phoneix story, well poetry I guess you could call it, well now know that it's wrong. Looking at it in a different light it's where I know that I will never completely get rid of sin. It did hit me not to long back about Jesus and his death. He had no sins but still died. I have heard over and over "yadda yadda yadda he died for our sins yadda yadda yadda" but never really saw it in perspective. I typically only hear that. Now asking myself how did he die if he was without sin. That God has said that we shall die form our sins yet Jesus had none? That's when he took out sins. And when I look at is as an order (this before thatn then that...rather than a command) it does seem to hit me. I guess I am still applying that into my faith/life. To be able to understand that more. Knowing him better may be the key to some of the issues I am going through. Now all is good that things got a new direction and seemed to work in a circle...the good kind not the redundant type. Now I have another book to read which is cool. This one deals with maturing in out faith. Which sounds most like what I need. That and I got an extra copy of the book for Trent and now we can go over a chapter or two when we do our weekly accountability meetings. And then when that's over I can meet again with Daniel and see where I am from there. From what I am seeing I find is wrong. And God loves to be humbling. As every time I think I have something figured out or am on the start of the road, making progress, or starting to understand he loves to shoe me that I am not. He has been showing me from another angle or through someone else's eyes. This is one of the things I love about him. I jut wished he would let me take Jesus bowling one night. Just bowling in a smoke free bowling alley, downing a few beers or wine whatever his conscious permits. And chilling out bowling a few and talking things out. Not looking for the answers in life but to ask a few things and come to a few understandings. That would be cool. I know he will make perfect strikes each time and I will have my normal "I broke 100" celebrations when I do. So from where I am now is trying to look at a few things I have heard and seen before from different angles. Also based upon this re-occurring anonymous comment that seems to keep surfacing and the illustration Daniel gave me yesterday (which seems to fit perfectly now that I reflect upon it) to understand exactly how great my sins are and knowing and understanding god and his glory to see where the cross does lye.
posted by Tom at 10:55 AM
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Thursday, April 28, 2005
I guess after some of my prayer I have been able to sort a few things out. I went down the list in order of occurance for the day.
1.) Am I sending off signals? Am I coming off as a pervert, angry, foolish, prideful, naive, a know it all who knows nothing, whiney, deprepssed? I feel that I may be sending off some signals that I don't know about. If I am I have prayed that I can see them. 2.) My desires are hard to let go of. My desire to have a companion, girlfriend, wife may be so strong that it is clouding my judegement. That I may be focusing my heart on wanting one so much that I am not focused on God as I could be. 3.) Is it presumptous or sinful to pray and ask for someone to find Christ into thier lives when I know so little about thier life? What if they are a christian or have beliefs already. Is it wrong for me to assume they do not? Or pray that they do? 4.) well thats something that can stay inside the group. But part of it does tie into something else. 5.) And trying to find a way to mindfully pray for my enemies or those I have difficulties with in life and faith. These were the major ones on my list tonihgt. Now back to my cold apartment, until the temp outside rises again, more blankets to be used.
posted by Tom at 10:42 PM
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Current mood: Slightly overloaded
Right now I am not sure what or how to do next. I'm fairly overloaded with too many thoughts at the same time both good and bad. Well not bad but thoughts to ponder and medite upon. If I start now I may not finish for a long time. Just too much to think about for one evening. Reflection time is needed. One at a time I may get frustrated that the others go ignored or I will drift away from them and not get back to them which could build up or backfire. It's hard. SO sundays sermon, tonights commuity group alone was enough but an even beofre group, and right after group and during group................................................. {reboot mind} My talks with god lately have become more realistic. So much talking needed. I wish it were not so late at night and me having to get up in the morning, I would call a person or two and just vent/rant/discuss/ whatever and bounce back some of these thoughts. Tomorrow I meet with Daniel for my next step in partnership, then I have my weekly meeting with Trent, then I have a nap and then work. For now I will go, much to work through and sort out.
posted by Tom at 9:53 PM
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Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Curent mood: contemplative
Well reading that book I got some good insight and saw it form a different perspective. All for good. Its kind of one of those that's woah. Heavy to take on as it sheds light on it being on such a grander scale than once beleived. I am also thinking how to do something. Could this be my calling? Or challenge of the call. I am wanting to do soething that has meaning. I have an idea and will see about getting it in motion. I want to help others likein anti-drug campaigns or life changing events....well death to sins and birth to a renewed life. But for that I would need to live a better example...and am I ready for that? Is it my calling? Or another idea of the month? Relationships, this year has been a redefining of such for me. We now have, what we beleive, my mothers most current address. SO now what do I do? Now I will ponder how and what to say to her. Ill keep it short, write her, tell her to write back and include a S.A.S.E. and extra paper so she cnnot turn it down....well have less reason to. Maybe after all this time it is time to confront her. ALso want to confront my brother, ask his forgiveness for all the hell I put him through as a terrible brother. And let him know that I am sorry, and I do love him, and want to help and see him better. He really is going through alot right now and may be beyond traditional help. He really needs to be hospitolized for treatment. But he refuses to see that. I want to try this method that would put the power all on him. Get him and NIV bible and the Purpose Driven Life. Then I want to confront my father on my family's history, the early relationship of him and my mother and family in general. I want to know more about his falling out from God. As he used to be a preacher. Now its hard to ask him anythng about church. And his lifestyle isnt exactly church standard these days. So here I have it. My family and the relationships with each of them. Then there is myself and where god is leading me. Seems I have more in prayer once again. With my family there is no promise that I can get through to any of them, if at all. But I still wish to try. I know that opening some of these doors may cause some pain and inernal suffering. But I feel this needs to be done. As long as I keep my focus on God knowing that he will be there when I am confronting, and afterwards for better or worse. I hope I am right in my beleif that this is what God want's me to do.......but if it's his will that's different. I feel he wants me to so that I can get ready in moving onward in my faith and relationship with him. And yet again I wanted to take time for a few notes and ended up with a story. Maybe I should become a writer. Then again I would love to write a book one day.
posted by Tom at 9:25 PM
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Well I have a new book. I got Every Man's Battle. And its already not what I though of it. It's got some great life examples. It's shownig things frpm a different angle that I never though about.
I decided for the heck of it to ask about the intern position at relevant.com. It doesn't pay anytying except food, gas and stuff but its going around to christian concerts all summer. But I am not in any music program in school, but for the heck of it I will inquire furhter. It sounds fun to say the last. Paying for rent for the summer would be a huge factor. But for a day or two I shall dream. Also yesterday I had a feeling or new idea. I may not get to go into photography like I want but after doing the film, I am thinking about making some small indi flicks w/messages. Or an anti-drug campaign, and alcaholism too. I have known too many good folks dead now due to drinking and many comedians dead from drugs. That way it can be a ministry or a job whatever that has a meaning, than can get results. It's an idea. I just want to have meaning at work or feel I am working for God. But one day at a time.
posted by Tom at 11:15 AM
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Tuesday, April 26, 2005
I am killing you slowly
For you must die Even after your death you will live on In my memory of what once was Forever etched into my soul Yet now you must no longer be We must part our ways as the glory of the phoenix is a burning fire Now I am in flight and the flames are spreading all throughout You have been sentences to cease all actions Yet i cannot kill you yet I am not a murderer You have bound me far to long and your time is drawing to an end Give me my life back We cannot share this no longer I have chosen to serve a new master So party now Look towards yourself more as then you will not see it coming the death that awaits you the emptiness will be filled at last Your hollow shell that has protected me that I have lived in No longer do i wish to dwell Please leave Please die as you are keeping my from flight One last dance shall we for old times sakes Let's begin the last dance we dance together You will be outsider soon I take flight and will take both down in flames the phoenix I may be and if you are then you know the flight the dance will be beautiful, majestic graceful even the demons will be amazed and look in awe for at its peak the fires will spread a massive wingspan that no man can calculate down in flames we go the heat as much as hell as that's what I will face my hells down so fast down in flames crashing into the earth so much that it moves and on that day will the flames consume will then we become ashes and dust from those ashes your death from those ashes I will arise anew by god's grace I will be new you will be dead no more the raven once again will quote "Nevermore" And then I will serve my new master I will then be going home to the home that you have denied me for so long the road you could only slow me the mirror I will see only one person no more will I serve two masters time to fly time to dance Through dangers untold I have fought my way here to my soul, beyond my own sufferings; to take back the spirit you have stolen from me. For my will is as strong as yours. And his kingdom as great. You have no power over me!"
posted by Tom at 1:13 PM
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Monday, April 25, 2005
Tonight was a very observational night. I was able to hang out with an old roommate and watch a baseball game in the nice chilly weather. And I did not bring a jacket. I'm smart, a genius, in fact a 120 IQ. Anyways.
I could tell were many of my old habits came from, in different surroundings. Even towards my best friend I feel different around him as well. Have I moved on from my friends? Shedding the old for the new lil by lil, bit by bit? As tonight my friend pointed out every attractive woman and if he got a good view of her butt made his usual comment. Now being the carnal, well the human mind I have of course thoughts entered in my mind but I didn't welcome those thoughts. Slowly I am gaining power over them. Maybe I have objectified women for so long. Or I see the body but do not see the person inside. I know that's all my friend wanted. Don't get me wrong he is a good friend, but I can tell a HUGE difference in my friends that are in Christ and those that are not. And I don;t want to be around them as much as I once did. This is odd. A blessing in disguise may haps? Who knows. But I realize that lust is only one sin that rules us and enslaves us. As does anger. And maybe that could be the next obstacle I face. In fact my family and anger, well its has been known to each other. There was of course the generational gap like my grandfather and father, uncle, and aunt.....that was a different time to grow up in. So some traits passed on to my generation but most comes from the events with my mother. Now here comes the fun part and how the past may haunt the present. My brother had to go into the hospital again. Something about his anger. Not sure as to what. My dad talked to him and tried to make sense of it all. It seems that since august that he has been harboring much anger off and on. He has been in the hospital a lot. Now he does have more going for him these days. He has really made a lot of progress and even has a wife now. And she is doing everything to help and pick up when his life gets bad. I only met her once but she is really supporting my brother and he really does have a gift in her. For that I am thankful to have her as a sister in law. So tonight my dad calls me and asks how close I was to finding where my mother lives. We have not been sure but we know she was, may still be, in Alabama. He thinks that if he can sit her down and try to work through some of these issues. I know I too have some issues to deal with her on. Confronting the source of pain, anger, and suffering after so many years....who knows. My dad told my brother that he needs to learn to control this or it will control him. And it seems it is. Anger does control a lot. Its a huge drain on the spirit of one's soul. I have come long ways with my anger and so has my father. But it has not been all fun and peaches (yes I made this up and since people love the weirdness I will use it more now) but we now are at least ok enough that we have out own ways. We are ok now and if we are angry, fine be angry. Just don't dwell on it and come back to things. Anger is no stranger to my family. Lately from my journey I do not know that I have the same anger towards my mother than I did. I don't think my brother is that far along facing his demons. He seems to have more to face than I do. This I fear that it may overtake him. I know that it takes a while to deal with anger. Even now at times I may have short bursts, but I fight to not let it overwhelm. Once it overwhelms it takes over everything. from frustration, feeling down and depressed, to hurting ones self or others, to not caring. I think I may need to get a small vacation to chill out with him to see what's going on. That and I guess it's time to have some family time and learn more of what really has been happening on the sidelines, from my mother, father, brother and grandparents. Its been a long seventeen years of struggles since that crazy year known as 1988.
posted by Tom at 11:35 PM
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Ok sitting here in my cold apartment hoping for the weather to warm up. Atleast the 5 o'clock baking that occurs as the sun gets far enough overhead it bakes my apartment....I hope.
Last night I think I came to another crossing in my path. I know that I am being called or something. To what I have no idea but I feel there is something stirring inside me. Friday it was pointed out that maybe God was breaking me so that he can form me into what he needs. Much like the story of the clay pot in Jeremiah 18. I am being broken and recreated. But last ngiht during one fo the songs I could smile again, well I have been smiling alot ore it seems, was the fact that these changes are happpening to me and the next step is to praise and serve. I have served tidbits here and there but I don't feel that I have really served. Becasue its an always function to serve God. I know I still need work before I feel I can safetly get there. Part of it is I do not know how I can serve really. I see so many serving or praise with a skill they have. And the skills I have really don't seem to come into play except when I go out alone or something. I can't play an instrument, I can build computers, design webpages, take good pictures, but that doesn't seem.......blah there I go thinking inwardly. I know that God will give me what I need when I need it. So if he is calling, I will get there. I don't think worrying about it will help much.
posted by Tom at 2:35 PM
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I hope I used the abbreviation for continued.....
Ok I know that I had a struggle there for a day or two with the sins of my past. The major ones that haunted me I prayed on and really hada a nice long prayer. Now to follow up on that I am drawing closer to God and when he reveals himself to me I find that I am becoming more christ like and the easier it is becoming to forgive myself. But the closer I draw to god the less I worry about forgiving myself. I am sorry for what I have done, I do regret it this is true. I cannot undo any of them mo matter how great the are. But that's what I love about God. I confessed my sins and asked for forgiveness. Then I started agian drawing towards him. I did not feel as bad I felt better knowing that I had laid them out. Drawing closer to God the fears of having those come back tome...I do not fear them as much as I know that God will be there with me, walk through those troubled waters and give me everything I need to make it through whatever does or does not happen. And that is very encouraging. He is that forgiving father dreassed in white when I am coming home all nice and muddy. I cannot blame God for my mistakes either. As I am the one making them. And this is where I am feeling more sins and guilt for them each and every one. And here is the greatest revelation I have come to with sin.... ...we are all sinners and becasue of this we die ...Even the pure or good folks in the bible died too ...Adam and Eve created death from the first sin ...we all die today from that sin as we sprang froth from them ...Even Jesus died therefore logic indicates he sinned too? ...The greatest revelation is that Jesus did not sin so if you think about it he would/could not die but he took the sins of the world...everyones and died for them. And that is the huge thought. I mean breaking it down like that. So that anyone who beleives in him, and walks in his path drawing towards God shall be forgiven. God has revealed to me that I really am weak but with him I grow stronger. He has called us each by name (Isaih 43:1-2), to not dwell on the past put push forward to the goal of heaven, of tomorrow (Phil 4:12-14), The closer we draw to God the closer he draws to us (James 4:8). It comes down to setting my goals away from me and towards heavan. It's a long process, it's not easy. But worth it. So very thankfully I am able to deal and cope with previous lifetime of mistakes and bad times by asking forgiveness and seting my heart back to God. I can't say I wont feel sorrow for them again, but I know that God really can help me out. Always has and always will.
posted by Tom at 11:38 AM
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Sunday, April 24, 2005
As I sit here in my cold apartment. Yes for once I am cold. I am in a dilema...they turned off the heat. So I have no heat to counter the cold freakin weather. I slept with a sheet, comforter, and two blankts on top of that....and I even wore my sweat pants as pajamas...now as I write this i sit here wrapped in a blanket and baking a pizza, only so the oven can try to double as a heater, which I will use for in a few minutes. Yesterday I woke up feeling like crap and I know why....as soon as I went to my balcony and felt how cold it was....its a step back for my congestion. And after thestorm friday night all the pollen and everything got blown around. Sheesh. Im ok though really. just rambling about it.
Today will be a fun day. I get to see the film I made on the big screen. It wasnt as big as I wanted it to be but it's still good. Its nice and expressive. But then I will have to go to work and that will suck. I have started podcasting, its a program to record many talk shows on the internet and save them into an ipod. So I got a few from the godcast network. Some were good, some were, well they didn't impress me. Kinda good to take along a sermon or two and listen at work or whenever. I did get some exercise last ngiht on the treadmill for half an hour. So that's two days now I have. I am starting to crave unhealthy foods less. Like I wanted subway rather than cheap two for three at Rally's. Now everything I see that if I were to have more exercise I would have more energy, loose weight, and work off stress. This is good. I am pushing for that goal more and more. Now my recent reflections, thanks to relevant.com, has been focused on I guess breaking me of my own personal desires and wanting what God wants. This is an encouracing and very challenging situation. WHen I was graduation high school my goals were to go to school, graduate, get me a good paying job, find a woman, settle down, marry, have children, ya know the whole shabang. Fast forward over almost nine years later still single and have an ok paying job. Even trying to bettermyself. Last year I tried so hard to get enough money to go to a nice photography school up north but I just could not do it. Now if I had gotten to go there I would not have found sojourn. I would not be where I am in my walk, my journey, my faith. Even though today I go through some struggles, I feel ok about it. I feel bettter going through them than I once did. It seems I have rambled on alot once again. But all in all it feels good to know that 1.) God is loving. 2.) God's will may not be known now, but it tends to work out. 3.) I am not alone in my walk or my struggles. 4.) Love is being redefined every day it seems. Its more than a 4 letter word. 5.) I need to learn more patience and break my owm selfish ambitions, desires and want Gods will be done, not mine 6.) It seems that Pride and envy are my sins too. In fact I think I may be at 5 or 6 of the seven. Alas I am cold and its time to pretend campfire around my oven. and let the pizza bake.
posted by Tom at 11:56 AM
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Saturday, April 23, 2005
Ok it seem there are several articles on relevant.com that seem to hit home and this last one oh so very close.
http://www.relevantmagazine.com/article.php?sid=5411 I share this same struggle as this guy in the article. Except I don't have a family as he does. Otherwise this is the same I go through life wanting. And wanting for good but now knowing if it is God's will except for all the doors that do no open for me. I cant beleive this one hit so close to home. I could almost swear he was talking about me. Here are some excerpts: I feel like I’m missing my destiny. Am I just floating through, not chasing after what God has for me in this life, but instead, just doing what I have to do to just make it? Have I turned into what I always feared? I don’t want to just be someone who fumbled through life and “made it.” God, give me the strength to follow Your voice where You lead, yet give me the wisdom to know it’s You. I do feel some sort of pressure inside that there must be more. All these questions leave me wanting, awake at 1:34 a.m. on a Tuesday morning. Does this drive me to Your throne, God? Does this force me to come to Your feet, wait on Your voice and listen to what You have to say?... Then there is the article on Lories Blog... http://lorieking.blogspot.com/2005/04/i-cant-get-no-satisfaction.html Kinda feel something stirring inside but I am not sure what. But knowing that it is there. Almost wonder what god is up to in my life? Ya know that feeling someone is up to something but ya can't tell what? That's about how I am feeling.
posted by Tom at 1:57 PM
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When I look back I have received some great feedback on here and in general. About my walk of faith. Thanks to all Drew, Trent, Lorie, the mystery comment, B-Dog (aka Bobby). I do thank each of you from the bottom of my heart. Each of you have helped me in prayer and direction in my journey. I can't begin to thank each of you enough.
It is this feedback that I wish to reflect upon. Where I am starting to feel change and well feel differenet in general. I thought I had much to say or think about, but it seems that I don't afterall. Just to simply say thanks to each of you.
posted by Tom at 2:52 AM
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Friday, April 22, 2005
I am starting to see where sin seperates us from God. It puts a block between us and him.
posted by Tom at 8:19 AM
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Thursday, April 21, 2005
Last night was one nice long prayer. I think I am starting to see a few things. I know that I mean well but everytime here for the last few years it seems I have tried to better myself or put myself in a position for change like school or a new job etc. But it seems my way isnt working. And with God calling me to whatever he is, I am starting to feel that my plans might interfere with his. So last night I came to the conclusion thatmy ways, my dream, and my desires are not working or leading me to where God wants me to be.
So I asked to make my dreams, desires, and my ways to be that of God's. May I ant his will be done, not mine. WHich means letting go and just following for a while. I have no idea where to go from here, no goals or dreams to mold life...but to just be and follow until that direction is found. I feel better, I feel different.
posted by Tom at 10:43 AM
1 comments
I think today was an overload. Just a lot went down all at once. Now in stead of one topic I have two to three to ponder and meditate upon. I guess that can be a good thing if any. Today at work did go much better. Barely talked to anyone, seemed to get some stuff done. But still could not focus like I know I could or wanted to. But that's a story for later.
Now I am in my happy place. And God is here...but it didn't used to be that way. So in reality it means I am sitting here with my thoughts and listening to some Christian music listening to the lyrics and thinking upon the thoughts from todays topics. Its nice to know how things get updated so fast. One of the topics I was having an issue with has now been resolved while I was writing this. The person who originated the post I spoke with him and came to a much better understanding about being angry at God. Pretty much with the exception of a few wording choices me and the article made the same argument. After I could see that the one line that threw it all for a loop was a double negative and I only saw one negative thus negating my whole argument. But it's all good now that I understand what we were talking about. Then today while home on lunch I got the rejection letter from the job I was hoping to get. So now my focus is not going to be getting a new job, well its not the primary focus. It is now trying to see what God's plan for me is. What is the purpose I cannot get into a new job. Why is it I can only stay where I am at while I am unhappy and force my body through unhealthy sleep patterns? I know he as a plan for me and I want to feel that it's part of what he is calling me to do or become. Maybe if I had gotten that job it would have taken me away from that. Or being at work makes me depend on God so much more. Its not fun going through a mid-twenties crisis. Even though it is not recognized by many. But a mid-life crisis is. Well I am in the mid twenties-crisis. Where too old to be a child and too young to be an adult, but I am treated as one none the less. After reading an article Lorie posted on her blog today I really got to thinking. And after the mystery comment I received the day before I am also thinking. If I had gotten my way and went to school for photography up in MA I would not have found sojourn. I would not be as close or drawing to God as I am now. So now I take comfort in knowing I am where God wants me to be. Or going in that direction. So tonight I shall pray and meditate upon that God's will be done not mine. To accept that will and live it. God reveals who he is this is true. When he does we find ourselves. Over and over the last few days the verse “any man who looses himself will truly find me” (from what I recall of it). Also concerning sins of the past vs who I am now and vs the man I am coming to be in the eyes of God....... "Not that I have already obtained this or have already reached the goal ... but this one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the heavenly call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:12-14 Why dwell and let them haunt me. I believe in Christ yes? And I sinned a huge yes. But Christ died for those sins. Those sins are gone. God is tomorrow. Maybe now is the time to look forward to God and tomorrow instead of figuring out who I am and was. And Isaiah has also been on my heart. 43:10...god has ransomed us, called us by name, we are his. And he will walk through the troubles with us. And this brings comfort.
posted by Tom at 12:02 AM
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Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Well the next hopeful job prospect was turned down. And I don't know why. I even shaved for it. So I guess for whatever reason God wants me to stay where I am at for now. Don't know why. Time to go back to work actually and keep on keeping on. And right when I was typing a reply about anger. What timing. Be glad when I get off work, I need the time to reflect as it is.
posted by Tom at 12:36 PM
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Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Tonight I can't really focus in on any particular thing or devotional. It's more of a feeling of what's going on. I do feel better after my post the other day where I really got so much off my chest. I still see where I am in need of change and wander more about this calling feeling I am getting. Time to get my affairs in order. Not trying to sound depressed about it but more of an affirmation, a goal, or direction.
Tonight I read the Sermon on the mount. I have been wanting to read that for some time now. In fact I am contemplating on watching the passion again. I have come to some conclusions, well understanding of myself and my faith. I am weak. This is true. I didn't realize how eak until recently. God does provide and provide alot, when I let him. Greed and Pride are sins of mine as well. I want, sosciety makes us want. To the extent at times we want things na dpossessions more than we do God. And Pride, well the fact I can't seem to let go fo somethings and give God control proves pride. One point was made in sermon this weekend and showed me how selfish I am at times. Where I say and do things for a compliment or approval or something. I think that some of this comes from the abandonment issues I have from my mother. In a nutsehll my parents divorced in march 1988. My mother remarried by May I think. Then by August she wanted to move to Florida with her new husband. She asked me and my brother who we wanted to live with. My brother quickly said dad and I gave no answer. One day we pretty much were told to pack out bags and we were off to live with our grandparents until my father could resume care of us while she went off to Florida. I was sitting on the steps to the basement and heard my mother in the livingroom talking to my grandparents. Pretty much said how worthless and lazy we were. We were only 10 and 7. We were kids. Well I was in tears. Even when we were getting in my grandparents car. Luckily I had my sunglasses on to hide them. I only saw my mother two more times after that. She continually tries to get me and my brother to choose her side, claims my fahter lied in court and much more. She was the one that moved alot and did not tell us to where. She was the one that did not want us and left us. She was the one.....I can't keep going on like this. But that and growing up fialry broke all the time I always dreamed of that one day when I was rich and well off or take pity on myself that who will spoil me? No one so I shall spoil myself. This started the process. Sunday I came to God will if I let him. My sins make me want so much. It clouds the correct or godly judgements. God did bless me with some caring grandparents and a very accepting family. And is calling me into a greater family. Letting go is the hardest thing to do. I have had to be the one that was nice to myself and not deny myself certain things..... ...I have said too much tonight. I have said soooo much over these last few days. think for now I shall ponder and pray. I feel good about things. I feel sad over my sins yet I feel hopeful and good to know that there is something, someone out there watching me, feeding me, pointing me in the right direction. Coming to grips with all this is still hard, but feels good for once. I am thankful. And thankful for the feedback from the anonymous post....
posted by Tom at 11:36 PM
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Monday, April 18, 2005
Now that I come to think on this so much, after Lorie's reply a few weeks back, the sermon yesterday, and my devotionals...really the answer may not be here in this world. I really should focus on GOd, on knowing him through Christ and become more christlike and not selfish.
This is the hard part, and I relaly do struggle with keeping that. I end up just going back to me. Also why should I get upset that I made istakes in the past. I am not now....well mostly. There are a few current sins I take part in over and over. And I am starting to see how weak I am. Very weak. God reveals himself to us, and when we stop being ourselves and become like god in the way that we were created in him image we can only then be like God and when revealed who he is to revela who we are. He who looses himself will find God. Focus on God and not of this world...I think this will be my prayer for a day or two. Do everything we do in the glory and honor of God. And at the same time struggle with my other sins, anger, envy, searing/cussing, etc Kinda ironic and sad isn't it? But I take comfort in the road I am traveling.
posted by Tom at 8:59 PM
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***Disclaimer this post may contain material not suited for a younger audience. It is very open and honest and contains graphic and sexual content***
Well I do feel better to some extent. Actually I feel much better. I prayed on the forgiveness part last night. There is still much to deal with over time but just trying to find a way to lay it out before god that I can't bear this burden and need his help on it. I am sure it may come back to haunt me now and then. But as of now I am not in as much fear over it as I was. Now my dreams are starting to get somewhat too deep. Deep as in I'm to the point of trying to analyze them. I have dreamed of sex for the last two or three nights. Not healthy sex, the unhealthy lust sex. Come to think of it I don't think I have ever truly had healthy sex, only unhealthy lust. Well the dreams were not the wam bam thank you all is well. It seemed there were negative consequences and circumstances surrounding them. Why this is I do not know. Now I have learned a lot about my lustful desires and physical limitations. For me most times sex is a filler, like when I am bored or something. I lost the words to explain it. Now my last relationship was too much based on sex and therefore it got ruined. That was lust, there was no love. What love there was become love of the flesh and not of the person. Or of the soul of the woman I thought I loved. That was many years ago. But long ago is also where it all started. In fact it was many years, in fact all this started when I was young, before puberty I think. Basically I found my fathers stash of Porno mags, needless to say through out time I learned much about sex both good and for every good I am sure I learned about ten times as much bad. And it has really burned so many falsehoods into my life that it is hard to get them out. Even today. Now even though I have tried to rid myself or deal with these temptations I have learned more about myself. I did try once the lent-ish aspect, like the Movie 40 days and 40 nights, I walked away from my sexual desires for a wee bit over 40 days. I wanted to make sure I can look to women as people and not objects every time I saw one attractive. Well the backfire I learned is I was more of a sex fiend after that then I was to begin with. I was back up to masturbating multiple times a day for like a week or two. It backfired on me so bad. So I guess I am a whore. Now I have noticed I can go for a few weeks before sex or lust becomes a desire to control again. Usually when I am deep into my devotions or have feelings for anyone will It then go longer. So this is why I see it as a filler, when I am content in a relationship or spiritual, I do not seem to desire it as much. Now as a photographer and wanting to one day get into fine arts and some nudes this causes some cages to rattle. How can I have both. Well I am seeing more and more the line between a sexual attraction and lustful attraction. There is a sexual attraction out there and it's ok to have that. In fact if there were no sexual attraction then we would not pro-create or ever have sex. Now the lustful attraction is where things fall apart. I can look at a woman and if she is attractive I might think wow shes pretty or beautiful. Now if I were to think Oh man I wonder what one night alone with her would do....what color underwear is she wearing....oh man look at her......thats when it was gone beyond the line of a sexual attraction and now is a lustful attraction. If the desires to fornicate and lust are there after the sexual attraction then it is lust. Now looking at my works or any works of other artists yes I can see a sexually attraction but I do not wish to take those thoughts further. And in my works I do not wish to promote lust. It is hard to explain overall I guess and hard to sway people into my logic. This is not something I am actively looking to do, it is a goal one day and I needed to look at that to illustrate this point. Sex is powerful, yes this is true. I sometimes wonder if that was the forbidden fruit as it seems to cause more damage than anything else. But I am seeing more past the flesh and into the person. This I like. This is good. I will still have a sexual attraction to some women, but its the lustful ones that get me. IN fact the day I started going to sojourn was my last lustful transaction with another person. And I am wanting to take a baseball bat to my head for giving in so easily. Kinda strange, doing the nasty, taking a nap then going to sojourn for the first time. Now months later, I am seeing changes in my thoughts of how I view things. And I do struggle at times with lust, but it is typically in private times. I do despise lust as when one of my friend was looking at one of my models the noises he was making, well I was very uncomfortable with that. These are people I know and not there to get anyone off. Man does that disgust me. I am here to make art and capture expressions. I am not here to make porn or masturbation material. I was ok with all of this until last nights dream was about one of my models. And this irks me to some extent. But with me trying to get past my own lusts The story in that dream and the one the night before, does tell me to watch out. to not base anything from lust and when I give into that it changes everything bonds are broken and people loose respect for one another. Why this stuff comes out in a dream is beyond me. All I am trying to do is get it under control. Then again since I have been doing some variant of all this since I was 7 or 8, it is easier said than done. Once when I was in school, actually shortly after I started going to church in Nashville me and a friend were commenting on a Pornography destroys....might have been child pornography.....I defended porn, or just taking pictures of naked people. Well fast forward a few years and I can see that pornography does harm. Even after watching the movie 8MM (millimeter) it was a dark road dare not traveled. And the main character does get burned. There is more to it but the lesson learned is this"whenever you dance with the devil you don't change him. The devil changes you." I find so much truth to this. Even though when I first saw the porno mags back when I was a kid, I wasn't dancing to change the devil, but it seems I was dancing all along. The other part that messed with me was I thought I was Bi but thats not the case either. As I discovered I was just sexual, if there were anyone having sex or doing anything sexual it was fire onto whatever lusts I had at the time. I cant believe how much Lust has engulfed me at times. to the point of foolishness. And being that is a part of my past only a mere part of who I was and am. This I do not wish to be. I have done some sick stuff in the name of lust. Typically I defend my own actions but growing up to what I have today looking back, how could I have stopped myself? That's one part I will have to live with how sick I was. This is what gets me now. I am making new friends and really walking along the road back towards Christ and every now and then I look at these people and ask how can they be my friends? How can the even be next to me when I am a sick freak? Or was rather? Much like a tv show, I have had a few real bad seasons, Even though now the show is getting good ratings, I do not want to show them the bad ones in fear I may scare them off. I want to be honest and not hide. To sin is one thing, but to deny that sin very well may be the greater sin. I cannot believe that I have said this much, but by God's grace I do. One day I do hope to marry. Would hope to find a wife I can confide everything in and she still be by my side. One where I can start a family with and teach my children differently. Make sure that the cycle is not repeated. Otherwise I am not sure how I can repent or even truly fix these sins I have had in the past. I am only human. I have not always had a clear path before me. Being hurt from my childhood I hid in my own shell. And in that shell was great sins. Looking in the mirror and seeing that fear is one of the chains that keeps me bound to myself, my past, and my sins. I must overcome this in order to become the man God is calling me to be. He has helped me to learn who I am so much over these last few months and is no where near done. I am sorry if I have scared anyone away with this post. but it is the truth. And on my heart to tell this story. And this has been the rated G version, as my story is more of the rated R. In fact there are so many sins that all lead into the other that I do not have many sins, I consider it all my sin. Confession is only the first step of many. And if it is layers deep, then each layer has a confession. This is my journey. It is time to confront my sin, the chains of fear, and finding the x factor that I still hold onto and cannot give to God truly. In order to move beyond I must confront not only what lies hidden, but what lies dormant. With help, accountability, honesty, and the grace of God I shall do this. I shall make it. For those who read this far I thank you and congratulate you.
posted by Tom at 11:29 AM
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Sunday, April 17, 2005
Tonight was great. In fact here a sunday night and I am home. ANd no work the next day. Two days in a row off...what a change. I hope it lasts.
Now the after sermon snack was a pb&j fest. In fact there was so much left over they were begging people to take some home. So I practically took home a loaf of pb&j, man after being broke so much it's like eating gourmet for once. That was the icing on the cake. After that I went over to Mike's and we filmed one more scene but I could not keep a straight face long enougn and kept laughing, so needless to say it took more than one take. Hah it was fun acting though. Lots of fun. I have always wanted to be an actor but never really got a chance to. Did some fun french skits on high school. How I miss thoses days. Now for the beef of the matter. It seems I am in a series of working through some thoughts and issues with my faith. Which is a great thing. In fact where I left off was trying to think of how I am self focused, even though I am trying to better myself for God. Well guess what was discussed during sermon today. So now I want to focus on how self focused I am, in fact this is something Lorie left a comment on and posted to a while back. I was just pondering on that thought. Well in a nutshell here is what I am dealing with....seems it has gotten bigger: 1.) Add envy to my list of sins 2.) Want to focuson on how self centered I am vs living in the glory of God, am I living for him or to gain favor for me? 3.) My sins...I feel I may be getting closer to really needing to sit down with my sins. Eventually confess them and do something about them. As I can't just wake up and make them go away. This burden haunts me every now and then. In fact its typically when I am getting deeper into my faith. In fact I am scared, terrified to confront them. Even if it is myself. And everytime in sermon when they ask we take time to confess or look at our sins....I runs away and hide, get on my pride horse with shield to get away from it. When I get off that horse and shield to look around at those sins its like being on the moon of degoba....except I see no lil green man to walk me throught the swamps. This has been a great few days and really I have hit some issues. But I know there is still a wall to tear down and conquer first. How can I forgive others when it's hard to forgive myself?
posted by Tom at 10:23 PM
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Saturday, April 16, 2005
...Well After reading the passes associated with the devotional and current events at work, I am now really starting to feel the brunt of that message. The dream I am really starting to feel was so much more than a normal dream.
I think It was 2 Kings 20:1, In those days Hezekiah became ill and was at the point of death. The prophet Isaiah son of Amoz went to him and said, "This is what the LORD says: Put your house in order, because you are going to die; you will not recover." (NIV) Now I am not thinking it is that literal, but the way of my life, my sins may kill me. I may be on a path of destruction and may not know it or I am blinded that much that I cannot see it. What sins? Well getting my affairs in order, new job, order amongst chaos, finaces are the big ones. Ya know start becoming more accounible even to myself, trying to be more organized, seeking new job where I can find ways to serve and minister, getting my finances together, but also my health. I have overlooked my health. Now even if this dream was nothing it's stil a good message. We were never promised a tomorrow and putting off things till the next day, well I will have to work on that for years I am sure. But even at health....I got into work yesterday and found that one guy died. He was still young in his early 50's. I am seeing many go in thier early to mid 50's these days....im scared now. I think its time to try some different things in life to make it past the 50 mark. Now this guy was in decent health. In fact I saw him last week. Was talking to him. He was one of the people I looked forward to seeing with his smile and personality. He is dead now. And from the looks of it his health was much better of than mine, well weight wise. So I get thins dream, leads me to a devotional, read teh passage, and then find news of this man's death...It's scary when I think of it. But neglecting my body is frightening. It may be creeping up on me. So now mayhaps I should look into this furhter. This is the hard part as every time I have tried to get in shape I fall every time. I just cant do this alone. Now a new job prospect can help. If I am to get this job I will be on my feet so much more and that will help greatly. The interview went well today, very well actually. So we shall see what comes of it. It will help in more ways than one. Tomorrow will be the first I have had 2 days off in a row and off after Sojourn. I love this. So maybe I can keep a great mindset after sermon and take it home with me. It is also time to confront my sins. And that also scares the hell out of me, not literally, but figuratively. Scares me to hell would be more like it.
posted by Tom at 9:10 PM
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Thursday, April 14, 2005
Ok to continue onward from the last post. The Dream has tied in greatly to relationships in everyday life. In fact the one part I recall from the dream was being told to "just relax" which still gives me a warm feeling inside. In a way that woman was Godly, from God, and in essence was God.
And here is how I gather that. In my devotional I had come upon two different days to read. The first one gave a very nice story of how a mother on a plane did what she could for her sick baby. Who threw up all over and made others around sick as well. When they got off the plane was the father dressed in all white. White slacks and shirt. The mother gave her child to the father. And while the child was still a mess the father was hugging and kissing the child all the way to the luggage area. The father loved his child no matter what. The same way that God loves us. After all the sinful puke he is still there to hug us, comfort us, and love us. I read this the day of that dream, so I think it was on my mind when I was dreaming. No matter what he was going to be there. That's the same I felt during that part of the dream when she said "just relax" So as if it was God, he told me to stir what was in the pot on the stove.....as he has commanded us to obey his word. And then at a part where I was to make a choice, but told me to just relax as he made the choices and I just did what was in front of me. Now while flipping through the devotional I came upon one titles "Just Relax" so of course I gave it a look. Now this devotional was reading 2 Kings 20:1 where in a nutshell it tells Hezekiah to get things in order you are going to die and will not recover from this illness. He was sick at the time. The devotional does go into how a baseball player had his tonsils removed, and found they were cancerous. His first thoughts were of course "I am going to die" as would anyone really if you think about it. But like in my dream, God reveled to him "Hey I'm God. I'm in control. Just relax." I guess there is alot that I can make of this dream. But taking in those two devotionals I should learn God is in control and will love us no matter what or how sick with sin we are. But at some point will have to let it ride, give it up, and give him control. He has the control but as long as we think we do, we don't give it to him. So in my relationship with God...I am feeling that he wants to take care of me, he wants to love me, and does have a purpose for me. But I am going to have to let it be, let him control. The more I try the harder things get. As in watching or taming the tounge, the more said the worse things get. But If I were to let go things would work themselves out and I would not dig a deeper hole. I know that seeing and relating to women like that in my dreams firstly gives me a taste of what it feels like to have that kind of love. But it's only a glimpse of how much greater God's love is. That and I the only thing of those dreams is I am falling in love with several women, nameless, and faceless as I forget most detials. But it feels good to get a glimpse of that. But it comes down to just following. Not thinkging...or "just relax" "God does not tell us what he is going to do, he reveals himself who he is" Oswald Chambers (British teacher and chaplain) Now back to the first story of the father in white....it was reading from Isaiah 43:1-2 Pretty much says we are God's, he has called us, and he will be with us in times of great difficulty. So she is there cooking, tells me to stir something, then tells me to relax where I feel it's ok as I was not alone, and someone was already making the choices...all I needed to do was follow, was relax as it was in his hands and not mine. Even thought it was a woman in my dreams, what I felt was still an earthly attraction, but what is coming back to me is it was God. Tom stir this. And don't worry about thinking or trying to work things out, Iv'e got that under control. So you tell me was that God? I'm going to sleep better knowing it was.
posted by Tom at 9:57 PM
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Last night's dream was a very heavy one indeed. In fact it was a long one. I did get to see two aspects of myself. Needless to say the theme was Relationships. I'll start with the later one where I had made some friends with a group of women somewhat near my age. And then I had done something to another one, that wasn't in that group and made enemies of them all. By that point there was no return. It was over, no allies no more.
I think I had done or said something to that other woman to upset her, to show my disproval at something she had done or was doing. And it backfired so bad on me. By then they were going to be enemies and twist every little thing I did or said and be a greater evil than I was or tried to be. I don't recall what it was but I did recall it justified, saw no wrong in it. But still my logic was thrown around to make me the bad guy. Which happened in a current friendship, except I didn't mean any harm. She wants to twist everything I do and say around and make me the bad guy, that's fine. I can not work with closed minds. I hate it when I have things thrown back at me and used against me no matter. Where I can say anything good and they make it evil. That level of immaturity and vengefulness I find that I do not look for in a woman at all. In fact its down right ungodly and wrong. Why are there such women out there? I have found I am picky with women after all. I grow tired of immature girls looking only for someone to know everything they want, provide it, and do what they say. No one seems to want to submit to one another. Women want the "woman power" respected and not be equals. Now they want to be evil rather than make things right. I guess these qualities remind me so much of my mother is why I despise them. Any woman like my mother I do not like. Very shallow and selfish, not willing to work things out, will take power away and not share it. Now I do thank god very much fro my dreams. Every now and then he does give me a glimpse of what I long for and feel good. Like the first part of my dream, the one in which I took great comfort. The lady of the dream wanted me to stir something on the stove. Just asked me to stir and keep stirring. So I did. Whatever it was kinda fluffed up and became thick. I do not know what on earth it was. I think she had asked me a question. I of course answered it and asked her back. There was a very long silence. She made no move, I wasn't even sure she had heard me. I was about to re-ask her and with out looking away at anything she said just rest, in a calm and firm voice. There were no options, just to rest. The tone was very strong but calm. What translated was she was here to take care of me and to trust her and not worry about a thing. Just rest. She was taking care of me. I wish I could one day meet someone like that. I would have to repay her the same ten fold just to say thanks. One that can not bend her way in the good for the other self, her partner. She was very god like in this. In fact God is too. Just be or just do, dont ask, just relax. God is taking care of us. I forget a lot that he is taking care of us. I forget that a lot. But in women I find that I want a godlike woman. No immaturity. One who wants to care for me and lets me care for her. Ya know the list does go on and on. It seems the ones I find that are close to this are already taken. But this woman whoever she was in my dreams I an thankful for. Those are the only times I get to see such women. Ones I know where lust will not be an issue. I love knowing there is a woman there than an item to lust over. Which thats what most are these days. Close minded and after the sex most men realize that there is nothing to those women. Those men are just as guilty as the women. But god and relationships really are something much grander. And it may very well bring me closer to God. And her to god alike. Someone stern enough to not break in the wind, but can sway where the wind blows as needed. These such women I know I am not worthy of nor ready for. I want one yes. But if I am that close to getting one...I would really need to grow so that I do not dishonor her or God. And one day when the time is right start a family all in the glory and honor of God. But it comes to his will. And his will I had a dream like that. To once again feel what it would be like to have a woman truly sent from God. In a relationship in general I have never really had to been there to or for anyone. Just myself. SO I would really have to learn to be together with anyone. Learn to submit myself to my girlfriend, companion, wife......or even to a friend, neighbor, fellow Christian. Submit to them so that they may not stumble, to let them know they are important, and to even become self-less more than selfish. So is it God's will? I think so. Why else would he give me those dreams? As I was instructed last night, just relax.
posted by Tom at 1:04 AM
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Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Outside of being a christian i am finding it I need to work on being an employee. Becasue there is where we spend most of our life, are a billboard for christ, and some values cross over into relatioships and life in general.
But at my work it's not always that easy to keep that focus. As a conversation I was having a few weeks ago, if we do not stay with a bad job how can we make a relationship better? Or have we become too focused on ourselves that we do not car much about employers, relationships, or even fellow christians. It's easier to tell a job what to do with themselves, than to stick things out and make them work. And most companies will fire you faster than droping a kleenex. So why should we care for those who care not for us? Our employers are often our masters, at least 40 hours a week. How often do we serve our master in god 24/7? Even do our work in the honor and glory of god? In fact I bet that many others prayer for work is like mine... Please God let me make it through this day. Please God deliver me from this place and find me a new job. Please dear lord give me thr strength to endure this day.......Yes my prayers are like that. Let me make it through tonight so I can rest tomorrow. But how often have I prayed "Lord let me work and do all things in your glory and honor, let thy will be done, may I remember all the day you are my master and nothing on this earth will I serve. May my work and all I do be the gifts from you on this day. For through you lord I pray that thy will be done and may others see. I thank thee oh lord for this day. Amen" None. I pray for myself, pray for god to get me through this day. Maybe that's where I can try a change. Pray that God's will be done and may my work, behaviors, and attitude reflect the glory of God. Focus on God more than the troubles of the job. That's my thought of the day. Besides God also did answer one prayer before I could present it. I was going to ask my boss today if we could change my schedule where I can have two days off in a row again so I can rest and not be as worn out on the weekends...before I could ask my boss the opportunity presented itself. So now we are in talks to possibly change my schedule here in a few weeks. So for work what I would like to do... ...pray focused on God ...be silent more often than speak ...remember god before respond to frustration or anger I wish to try these three things. I may not be able to refelct God inthe workplace, but I can follow God while in the surroundings. For those loyal readers out there....any thoughts?
posted by Tom at 10:45 PM
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My devotions this week are dual topics...work and tounge.
The tounge...Watching what I say. I still beleive its more the heart dictates the tounge. But that does not seem to be so. It seems there are many more times to be silent but as society favors the strong so we cannot be silent and must speak our minds. What we say is an action just as the hands. And it reflects just as much. When we use poor judgement and say wrong things it refelcts as zeros out everything. I find this true in my life and workplace. Then work...do we offer work as a prayer? Do we work in the glory of God? Do we work a vocation or our calling? What is God calling me to do? Our lives should become the work and then in the glory of God? Work was made by man and the rules are governed by the same. Watching my tounge at work...may mean taking a day of silence. Then again maybe a day of silence is good for the soul anyways. I know that I try to help, voice my opinion, tell others of things that have worked for me...all in trying to help and often wordy do I possibly over do it. Then it gets lost in translation that I only mean well and comes back to harm me. At work there are behaviors I wish to change, in life I want to make living for God my job and then my vocation be a way of serving him and doing it in his glory. So the tounge helps at work but its my new work, new job of wanting Godliness that will prevail. Easier said than done with my mind getting in the way...but this is where I am for the next few days in my devotionals and studies.
posted by Tom at 1:44 AM
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Monday, April 11, 2005
Well After the hope I had there breifly with three job opportunities realted to God in some context or another have all been answered.
1.) the prospect of the "Working in Technology" with the gentleman I met at the bookstre....was a selling campaign by amway/quixter. I am not a salesman. But there was a follow up and I am interested in a few of the products but....no one followed up with me after that. 2.) the "IT job" from a friend in community group....it was as feared IT is a loose term can mean a wide vareity of things, mostly with 3-5 years of experience and several certifications etc. Can't know one you must know it all. 3.) the "Glamour Shots Photographer" after waiting a while, well after betitng the "don't call us we'll call you" I got the officail rejection letter today. Typicaly I like to hear that "SOrry we have filled this position" or "have found qualified candidate" No this time I just got "Our needs and your skills do not match" Three strikes, brings up next batter. So typically even with a straight game 3 batters times three strikes each times 9 innings that's what 9 times 9 ok thats 81 strikes before Game over. Three down, 78 more to go.
posted by Tom at 2:02 PM
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in'to the vor'tex
a'part from god and from peace they call it work'ing
posted by Tom at 11:21 AM
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Sunday, April 10, 2005
...or show me the new direction. I hear great things in a sermon that I can reflect upon. SHould, need, and want to reflect upon and I can't. The effects are lossed either form the start or soon after the sermon. Why? Becasue I go into work and force my body to stay up later hours than it wants to. I hate work as it is one factor taking me away from God. I can be a christian working here as long as I do not talk of God. Otherwise I am asking for a bad day and being spoken to in a condensending manner. God's word and wisdom does not seem to be welcome here. Only perfection in the human world. So many time I have been wron out from work that I cannot hear God let alone want to see him.
I want to be happy, at least not suffer like I am. This place I cannot hold my tounge, and am quick to anger and fast to speak words that should not be spoken. I am weak, I cannot make it here. I have fought this long battle for so long and no longer want to fight it. I just want it to stop. I want to feel good about the work I do again, I want to be taken seriosuly, I want to tell people I am a chrsitian without being taken as a joke. As if I am trying to become closer to God but still cuss at work, or not hold my tounge as it says in James my faith is worthless. And working here, it is worthless. I just want to feel worth again. Please I hope and pray to find another job, and pray for others to get out of jobs in simialr situations. We were not meant to hate working, were we? I know its supposed to be work, but its been so fouled and flithed by sin. Well I have some christian mp3's on my ipod, so hopefully I shall feel better here in a lil bit. I pray.
posted by Tom at 9:31 PM
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Friday, April 08, 2005
Just taking time to reflect a few times of "woah" here lately in my life...
...In reading "48 days to the work you love" which is filled with scripture references etc, I came across this "To work is to pray" and is that how you see your job? I would have to say a huge resounding Hell No It is not at all how I see it. If we are to gloryfy god in everything we do and work being a major part of that, well I don't Its not a prayer. I may say a prayer to get me through but its not as a love offering to God it is to pay my bills. ...I almost didn't want to go to community group last night but due to a tbad tire I got a ride and went. We were suppossed to start filming for a movie that I seemingly was left out of, but that was answered as we all in group agreed what to make one. So it all changed into something real fun. I can't wait. But once again there has been a time where I didn't want to face something and things worked out so much better that I did. ...and tired that have the threads coming through can make you think its a series of problems. But after spending 200 on a cv-axle now I get to spend on a new tire. Not related to God but I am thankful I was able to find the issue fast before my tire blows out. So I know God is working in my life and lately the absence of God is actualy my absence from him. ANd being sick does suck very much especially when I can't breathe. I am wandering if it is something in the pollen around here as I have never suffered like this before. I could be worse but im not to well either. Stuffy and much more on the sinus end than congested end. Oh yeah and if you do go a few months w/o getting sick....do NOT say "I havn't gtten sick yet" as you will definatly get it.
posted by Tom at 7:20 AM
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Monday, April 04, 2005
Today is officialy day one of being sick. How wonderful. And on a week I cannot pray for myself. Ya know there is a word called timing....i think its to perfect sometimes. I still am keeping to my word and not paying anything for myself, outside of giving thanks.
Today I learned.......do not let milk go old, and two months later throw it out as by then it is no longer milk and now I think twice about putting it in my cereal. If you do forget, do yourself a favor adn DO NOT pour it down the sink unless you can handle certain odors. Now back on topic.....It has been on my heart for anopther self or God imposed challenge. It is one of those things that gets on my mind and stews. It picks up heat until boiling then I do it. Typicaly once something is on my mind like that there is but one option and that is to do it. After reading my friend Bobby's blog it did hit home on a few things, that and sermons, even my weekly accounability and community group. It is getting to the point I feel I need to confront the men in the mirror as stated in my previous posts. Now much like my story I sent out, it will be more butally honest than that. In fact it will be a huge step if I am able to go through it. I need to identify the one master, myself, my sins, my behaviors, choices, everything. List them one by one. The first step is to identify them all. Then start working on them. Now sharing them...that will be the next large part. I feel there is a story to be told or just a way of people getting to know me, including myself. I mean how many people really know me? then again how well do I really know myself? If I continue to fall into my same traps every time. Maybey sharing it is too large a step, but then that way there will be no hiding. No more running. but to then deal with it all. Hmmm one chapter at a time maybe. That way I can concentrate....maybe have enough for an actual book? We hide behind ourselves alot from God and others. We are often times afraid of letting anyone in and sharing. Or seeing problems that we could be a part of the solution but we hide in our own iniquities and behaviors. I am starting to feel that this is the one sin, the huge sin and the rest fall right under it. I know there is alot more to this but I cannot get them all into words right now. But for now I shall ponder on this as if it is in my heart I shall do this. Really set it all free? But then....... Well for now back to cleaning and trying to feel better. God is moving in my life, when I let him....and now hes tapping me on the shoulder. ANd there is only one way to get him to stop.
posted by Tom at 8:10 PM
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Sunday, April 03, 2005
Wow today was teh first sunday in a long time that I had enojyed....got sleep....behind my camera....a pretty day....so needless to say it was fun. I felt good except for my sore throat....a sign I am about to be sick so its time to get into ritual wellness mode......
before bed, take echinacea, nyquil, wake up take dayquil and vit c and echinacea....time to get into feelin better. But for now is work. Then I can focus in on drawing closer to God. Much has come to light and I wish to look into that. But now fight sickness.
posted by Tom at 7:57 PM
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Well so much going on let's tackle them all one by one.
The pope passed away. Even though I still do not agree with catholicsim for the most part it is still sad for many folks around. Last night I had to do a special section for the pop, nice 8 pages of it at work. So I read some of it and learned a bit from it. Now the next pope? How will he be? It's scary giving anyone that much power. SO I see it more now as an earthly position than I do as the right hand of God. Mitch Hedberg dying. I will always look back and remeber him as funny. A many a laught he has given and that's how I shall remember him. But now I am drawing so much closer to the other side of drugs. And smoking too. It's hard to know but if I were to see a friend get lung cancer that smokes I would have to feel like "you idiot you did this to youyrself smoking that crap" It hurts me so much now that I cant be around it for very long at all. I am allergic to it and I praise God that I am. I have messed around and have gotten a new look for this site. It's nice, mellow, and clean. I really like the banner. And yes for those who do not know me that is one of my own picutres and I created the whole banner. I love doing stuff like that at times. Last night at work went very well considering therre were several factors against. FOr one we had the pope special section, the U of L final FOur special stories and a section, also to top it off was the daylight savings time so we lost an hour for the deadline. Luckily there were three of us there, one of us were already there for the game coverage, I came in and did the pop coverage, and then one oter person came is becasue she was bored and thought we coudl use the help. We finished about 2-230. On a saturday night. Which was a blessing so very much. So I am awake today in plenty of hours before sojourn, but need to go get my car out of the shop if they finish it in time. But I did read something in my devotional I have re-read several times. It makes sense. In a nutshell that we get dependant on let's say scaffolding for support that we cannot stand on our own. The outside we are building up but no internal maintanence we faulter. We often need a book, tape, seminar, or something in a revival of sorts, but the outside cannot stand while the insude is not solid. This is where so many are in their faith today. We build up our outer "christian" shell that the mush inwide we collapse again. Yes there are times with the mush we appear strong on the outside, but one day we will not get the mush to the right side and fall all over again. This has given me one more thought to ponder in my reflections. And so far so good from community group I said I would not make a solid prayer for myself, the best I could, for a week. So far so good. So I have made a prayer list and been going off of that. Let's see how it goes from here.
posted by Tom at 12:06 PM
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Friday, April 01, 2005
Just got some sad news. While the world watches and wait as the Pope's health gets worse. My favorite comedien has died. Mitch Hedberg. This guys was great. I had dreamed of seeing him in concert one day. It seems his death was drug related. I have not laughed so hard in a long time when I listened to his stuff. In fact just saw him on a comedy skit on a cartoon on comedy central not to long ago.
Yet another person I looked up to and could have a good laugh is dead.... For years I have been live n let live with drugs....but I don't think that is going to be that way much longer. It has killed several celebrities and people. no just people. This sucks. only 37 years old, with a wife, good things.....dead now.
posted by Tom at 8:05 PM
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