 Sunday, April 30, 2006    Which Transformer Are You?
posted by Tom at 2:06 AM
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Saturday, April 29, 2006
The more I think about it the more I relize the movie Crash is so very realistic it hurts. There are parts everyone hates in the movie and even makes some folks downright uncomfortable. Yet there are two parts that stand out for me. It is just to very real it is hard for me to consider it a movie.
The opening scene with Dan Chadelle's character Det. Graham It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something. I mean really think about it. It may not complety be a physical touch, it could also be a mental touch a feeling, ya know to feel that you exsist. That we all may cause reactions (predestined or random) just to crash into others or conflict just to feel that we are there, alive, justified, and righteous in all we do. Its the feeling invisible that hurts. More than folks could ever know. Now the Character played by Sandra bullock, I really did not like her. It was amazing to see her really act for once, but the character was well she grew on me. It was not until the end I really could see her for what she was. She was like me. I do not agree with how she thgouht or treated others but needless to say I could understand where she was coming from. At one point she was on the phone trying to talk to her sister or best friend for comfort, just to get a few things off her chest. And she was at what I really connected to as a critical conversation. Well as that has happened to me so many times I could see that she was hurting as much as she was angry. She was telling the person on the phone that she wakes up every day angry. She soes not know why but she hopes the next day will be better but she is still always angry.
This is when I saw her pain. This I feel so many times. And when I have tried to confide in others or share it, no one wants the burden and goes away during the critical parts. Most folks, like I did at the beginning of the movie, look at those angry as mean or evil and we stay away from them. Yet there are many times where the person living in anger is living an imprisoned life. They are hurting more than anything else. Yet no one sees hurt or wants to see hurt. They would rather look for an excuse to shun them or stay clear of them. I need to watch this movie a million more times. It really reflects alot of life. And it's not just life in L.A., it is also life here in town. Local. Hometown. Everywhere. Speaking of movies I did watch a good one last ngiht that really put me in a good mood. At least one I wish I had time to reflect upon it as I had to go to work again. It was The Body with Antonio Banderas. Just watching it and the three major religions Christianaity (Catholics), Judaism, and Islam and the claims to Jerusalem, it shows that there are three distinct sides and so much anger and hostility towards the others, well not really. It seems that Christians are not as quick to condemn as the otehr two sides are. It was not the whole religion, it was sects and pockets of them. Where much anger and hatred exsist. Well looking at the character played he was a catholic preist sent to determine if some bones found were that of Christ. Well during all this you saw his faith put on the line. And it came out somewhere in the ballpark where I belive. Is that his faith in God is what stayed. But his faith in man, well the materialism and hidden agendas. I thought I had lost my faith in Christ, in God, my savior, my friend. But I had didn't. I've lost my faith in serving men like you or Moshe Cohen, who use God to justify their material agendas. That's why I now choose to serve God in my own personal way. So needless to say afterwards he quit the preisthood. But that same thing is something that has been on my heart for a while now. Looking at one my own agendas and how much I label them as God, yet even moreso when I have seen man label thigns as God or the way and back it up with whatever scripture, thoughts, or beleifs...I too have started loosing faith in Men. Even the ones God seems to have saved. Or so many claim, self included. I have missed a few thigns about church. The movie last ngiht the Catholics really did not call it church, they refered to it as her. Which is a great ackowledgement of the church as the bride of christ. I do beleive that Catholics and Protestant both should come together as the division is not right, and yet I think both sides have some solid foundations that could lead to christ. But walking away form that movie I saw a man that through it all battled and kept his faith. Became stronger and stof up for it. It was within itself very motivational. It helped me to see that some of my beleifs and the path I was on, need to change. Things are not going to be the same again and I mean that for the good. It's not a choice, I see things are different. I just need that recharge. Batteries are low but not drained. My faith may have been misplaced. As it was not gone, it was misplaced in other things. There have been a few aspects I have kept. Who knows. Tonight should be a good night. I am having dinner with the Hope guys. I can't wait to see what comes of it. So I better nap early today. Maybe thay can live up to their name and help me restore some Hope. :)
posted by Tom at 11:43 AM
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Friday, April 28, 2006
In recent conversations this week two things came up in recent theme. Well actually there are several folks with the same thing for me.
Monday it came up where I was asked if anger clouds my judgement. And then today I get an email indicating that I am surrounded by negativity that clouds what God may be telling me in life. I can't say no as they are both true. But how much is clouded? I would say a good bit of it. Let's take my last post for example....I got some anger and frustration stirred and then a simple blog turned into a rant almost. I thoguht I was over the anger issues but I guess I am not. Come to think of it when I talk I have a frustrated tone and even angersome. In fact, yeah alot has turned into anger. Even towards Sojourn I have anger so I have stayed away for a few weeks. In fact this sunday will be the last day I skip. I know that this is the time when it would seem I most need church, but I am so angered with it lately I want nothing to do with it. I miss it when folks were folks, when business was not.....................Ok I am stopping. this is how I start off on the rants again. Now let me look at the positives. Tomorrow night I will be having dinner with the guys from HOPE. I smile wanting to warm heartedly laugh wanting to see if they live up to thier name hahaha. I am looking very forward to this. Actually if I were to put a few peices together I could see a reason for all I am going through. Yet it did not come in a direct way. Before I go furhter in my walk, I must go deeper to see where I am and what is blocking me from moving on. I have three different friends suggest to seek counseling of some form. Next week I do have a meeting scheduled where I hope to talk about a few of these things. Take a first step or two. It seems I live with a demon and an angel in a tug of war over my life. The demon pulls me in and then the angel pulls me out but by different means. And has doen so by very practicle means here lately. Still some of it is out of this world or heaven, but there is still some that is right here down to earth. I will survive, I always do. But for now I need a renewed sense of hope and purpose. I feel that during this time I may hurt people and friends in many ways that I don't want to. But seeing that is all I am filled with right now, I may not say what I mean or want to. Words and judgement is clouded. I hope that I do not hurt anyone too far. It does seem that God is sitting back watching, but sending his work to me through others trying to point me back to him...rather than God himself. I guess I am ok with that. But I need to know what lies and internal truths I am beleiving. Who knows. Today I am ok.
posted by Tom at 11:21 AM
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Thursday, April 27, 2006
These last few days have been good. Still a few ups and downs. But alot of thought has been goin on. My sleep has been crazy, well my reams have. This mornings dream was another saga. I woke up form it a few times before I was so bored of it I did nto go back to sleep. It was odd that when I passed back out I was back in the same dream. Very odd indeed.
But sitting at the crossroads I think there is a direction for me to go in. It is not the same path I was following. I feel I need to know Christ differently than what I am learning from man here on earth. As it is so objectionable these days. I want truth and I want truth presented in a way that reflects it. I need to see faith in more pra cticle terms and not in applicble terms. Sometimes ya gotta be real and in the here and now. You may still strive forth the gol of the other side of the clouds yes, but do not forget the living. As that senteces them all, us all to death. The same death that is preached about to be prevented, it is that same death condemned on us all. I have been thinking alot of trying out for dancing of some sort. It has so many benfits. Yet I asked folks I knew into dancing and then got pointed to another person. Which I felt was wild. Since the most common answer I got was to look in the phone book...honestly I do not think they meant anything by it, but to me it was an insult to my inteliigence and disreguarded my request. I wanted to hear from those who have experienced, I wanted to ask from a persons perspective and not a sales pitch. I know to look in a phone book, in fact I was searching dance studios for a few days on the internet. I am not mad, but I am upset....not at the people. In fact I am thankful that they did get me to someone who did talk to me about it. But that same mentality is that go seek elsewhere, I do not want to share with you...that attitude I have gotten so many times I have no tolerance for it and has left me so angry that it clouds mu judgement so much that I take it that way easier than I should. But still...I am thankful to them all, but the situation..... Anyways I learned that the good stuff that I wanted to do with the practice dances and make an attempt at being social will be shot due to my work schedule once again. Why oh why do I suffer so? I have to turn down aso many chances to do things with people becasue of work. Does God hate me? Am I being punished for something? I don't know. It is set in my heart for change yet I see road blocks everyhere. I have had some very good conversations with folks this week and was very open with them so they hear my anger, pain, and suffering and my dry faith. I may start another blog this one dealing with brutal honesty and some deeper issues. The issues that are on my heart right now. This faith based blog, well I do not know if it will work for that kind of discussion. I want to learn, I want to live, I want to love, I want to be loved, I want to serve, I want to see someone else in my life other than myself. I want truth and not promises, I want to see not hear, I want to have meaning in my life. I still feel, for the most part, that my life is meaningless. Yet I do believe God has given me a direction for life, at least short term, where I need to let people in if they will accept me. And seeing my record of rejection, I do not know if I will have anything or anyone but God and invisible force that does not seem to be sufficent these days. I am hurting I need healing and I do not know how to go about it alone. Those who tell me things will get better have someone either family or friends. the wants in my heart are there for a reason.....or is there? I am not promised to have a purpose in life...so then I must go to hell then? Why is is when I confront these feelings it puts me into a bad place? Why does God not want me? Why will he not tell me? I fear hell so my suffering here will only get worse...I feel no hope in christ right now. Among God and man I feel very insignificant. I keep coming back to this place when I try to be happy, and fake it like 99% of christians do...it can only get me so far. I am tired of reading how to live a right life, I am tired of hearing how to, when I cannot see SEE SEE I mean SEE. These last few days God seems to have told me what he wants me to do (but not how to do it) and has told me nothing with where my life is going or what he wants of me. I have no role. Every sunny day for me is blocked by the clouds, I hate my job, I reach for others for God and I do not grasp. Not even air for there is nothing just as I am. Just once I would love to hear that I tried, to feel valid for something....might as well wish for the lottery to hit. Why does God hate me? I try to come home but he isnt answering the phone.
posted by Tom at 8:58 PM
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Thursday, April 20, 2006
Sittin at the crossroads in a nice lawnchair just watching the traffic on both sides and seeing what I would need to pack for the rest of the trip. At that point I was so very ready to veer off the path and go my own way, which was not too far from my old ways but none the less I was ready to walk a different path.
Yet I think I just saw a road in the middle of it all that others may have denied me for so long. And last night I was brought to tears very fast when I read a blog that finally see there is someone that understands. The hard part is that this road will have pain and lots of it. But it does not seem to be a meaningless pain as was the path I have been on. I am now thinking my old ways and then then middle ground, I will take neither of those roads. But last ngiht I took some time and searched a few blogs. I stumbled upon one and it brought me to tears very fast. It was such a releif to have seen it. It has gotten me thinking about a few other things. But not only once, but twice did he say something I have been longing to hear. Something that no one else has never said outloud. It was said that it is NOT about a few prayers and simply leaving it at the foot of the cross I was in tears. In fact to finish reading I had to wipe away more tears. I even had to turn off the music playing. I have been told to just leave it at the foot of the cross so many times as if it were a quick fix. But also saying that it is not that simple it is a long and painful road. That is something I picked up on after reading/listening to The pursuit of holiness, that we really have to leave the old. There is more to this post I read. But it went straight to my heart. Finally I felt valid in my thoughts. I do not know if it were from God or man, yet here it was in front of me. Telling me I was right to think that, yet the road gets more difficult from here. It still said the fundamentals of it is to take it to God. So it still had biblical grounds. So I may not be at the crossroads much longer. But the path I was on will be different as it seems something has changed.
posted by Tom at 9:49 AM
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Wednesday, April 19, 2006
I stand here in life at a crossroads. The path I have been on towards Christ I may not be able to walk that path the same again. I am looking at walking away or another path. The road I was on seems to have been tainted with my high expectations that Christians are human first but live in such a way that shows Christ. That has failed me several times.
The alternate path before me much the same troubles exists as the Christian path. Yet I have more input on this path. It is not my old path; it is a medium between the old and new. It is one where I do for myself and live in such a way that I not put myself out there to be failed or hurt by those who claim the life of Christ. I do seem to hold Christians higher account than those who are not. Why? Because we should be living for a purpose. Yet we preach the life and not live it. I do not want to endure this unnecessary pain and suffering. When I needed help with my faith I was given to feel a burden to others. When I tried to reach out to others, make friends, and understand, to interact with others in the walk…I was given a sense that I was not Christian enough to join them. I have been forgotten by those he never forgets. I stand here feeling empty inside. God has not answered me or given me signs or something to go on. My life feels it has no purpose. No direction. Just me wandering nearly aimlessly through life. I feel more alone as a Christian than I did when I was not living that life. I have run low for years. But then I got more of a refill when I started back at church a year and a half ago. And now I feel as empty before I started. Right now here I stand at the crossroads where Christ is not sufficient for me. It is good to have a goal up to the heavens yet there are times when we must live here on earth, here and now. And ignoring that is a sin. If we do not know where we are how can we ever get where we are going? The name of God is taken wrong; at least my heart feels that it is. We judge God too often rather than taking our lives to him. I still want to help and serve others that are in need. So this is the halfway point from old to new. Here sitting at the crossroads.
posted by Tom at 12:30 PM
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Sunday, April 16, 2006
Well I am an uncle now. She is a cute lil darlin. I just hope that my brother can bring her a better life than what me and him grew up with.
There has been some good and some not so good moments this week. My faith is empty. In fact I run away from anything godly right now. I have been living in a shell halfway between my old ways and new ways. I do not want to come out. I do not want to get hurt anymore. I want it all to go away. I want to feel that things happen for a reason and not go on forever. I chose not to go to church today. Then again I wanted nothing godly in my life today and maybe even tomorrow. When it comes I have said a breif prayer of thankfulness but that is as far as it goes. If I am doomed to hell then it matters not if I follow or not doesn't it? I don't know. I am tired of not knowing and seeing only despair. I am tired of being treated as an outcast among christians. The standards are set to high. It seems that, from what I have seen, that folks only want perfect people and not human. No errors and flawless. No one wants to grow with anyone. they only want the answeres delievered and do not want to seek them. I seek and find not. I find only myself back at square one. Then in contrast I see so many folks like my best friend that live a life of do what they want when they want and limited compassion. So in christ and not in, everyone is so self consumed that when those who really seek help, friendship, companionship, anything do not find it becasue thay are a burden on society. they are blamed for everything and noe one takes the time to find out or know or understand or for the hell of things just ask the person a few things. I know there are folks worse off than I as some you try to listen to but they are closed off. Some if yes is their own fault yet however when society works like it does I cannot blame them. They are kept that way and no one wants them to move onward. I think God is out there but man has messed him up. And man fails man so often. Even at church. Nice folks, but there are few that are really enough to call friends or well enough a christian. Well on to happier thoughts. Since the christans I know do not want to walk the walk...shallow. Yes I said it, I feel they are shallow. They look for perfection. Oh happy thoughts...its camera season again. Time to get behind the lens somehow. Broke but I will do it. I may restart my photo blog. Who knows. I love 80's music and the internet...it has made many a night go well. Uncle Tom....I guess I gotta get a cabin and read a book to see what it means haha.
posted by Tom at 8:43 PM
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Monday, April 10, 2006  Well last night just wasn't very well. But it ended pretty good I thought. After my second shot that officially gave me the drunken status I had played some 80's music and put togethere a puzzle. I had a phone call form my brother, which is rare and it was a great call. Then another friend called and it was good as wel. But it was more directely related to the night I was having etc. I started teh puzzle a few days ago and had half of it left, but last ngiht I pressed on and it was done. No box to see what it looked like. It was a real puzzle. So I went to bed feeling better. But I had to get drunk to take the stress off. I have never done that. But it was very needed I see now. Life is crazy as I never know one day to the next if it will be a good one or bad one. With my faith and spirituality coming into play its just getting confusing. I guess christians are just as bad as those who are not. So what's the difference? That thought it playing over and over in my mind. Well for now I can let that wait. Today is Jeff Street. The one day a week I like. In fact after Monday the week all goes downhill from here. And tongiht is Narnia night. So today goes well and then work tomorrow. Back to the sadness I guess. I take one step forwards and then three back. I do not see any victories to celebrate.
posted by Tom at 9:16 AM
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Sunday, April 09, 2006
Ya know I tired to work thogh being angry. But it seems that I am burdening folks while I am going through some stuff. And I am being made into someone I am not. I was not angry but things I said are taken wrong and thrown back in my face.
So I sit here drunk. Yes for the first time in my life I am drunk from being upset rahter than at a social setting. The world wants to make me into someone I am not all becasue I am struggling and trying to understand. I so want to give up on church or faith. As those in faith hurt me more than those who are not. Tomorrow is Narnia night...I pray that it goes so well I forget about life for one evening. Tomorrow is Jeff Street as well. I can't wait for that either. But do I have another shot tonight? or am I drunk enough?
posted by Tom at 8:02 PM
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Things have been quite a roller coaster for me lately. There have been so many things happen. I have learned a few things over this time as well. Some good some not so good.
Banks love money and will take it when they want to. I found my bank in the event several checks/debits/etc come through in one day the largest amount comes out first. The date it was written or purchased has nothing to do with it. So if you make one mistake likehave one check that would go under, well they make the large one go under and then everythign else go under and not tell you or up date your acount until you make a few more purchases racking up fees all over the place. Well they just dont update the stuff on the internet, even though they push the internet banking on everyone, it cannot be trusted as they do not update it fast enough to give you an honest portrayal of what you have. I did try at least two new recipies and one of them is great cold so I can make it and take it into work. It is using angel hair pasta and making sure its just a wee tad underdone (pasta) and then vegetables. It was a recipie I saw from the food lady at work, and I made a few modifications and its freakin great!!! I can't wait to make it again or learn a few new ones. I also made a pizza quesdillia which was real good too. But that I can only eat at home. So for now I am up to at least one food for work recipie. Eharmony is a waste of time and money. I know that is is in alot of christian advertising all over the place. But it is expensive and a waste. I know that I should not have tried it again. I guess I was tired of being lonely and wanted to try to hope at least once more. Another tough lesson learned. Eharmony does get you a wee tad closer than other personals like Yahoo does. Yahoo personals are a waste as well. In trying to find a christian woman of any sort is even impossible to do. Everyone was only looking for fit or athletic guys. So that kinda hurts. That even those following christ only want to go for looks. Even in finding a godly woman is just as impossible for me as a secular or atheist...well I take that back I tend to always get the woman who is atheis or wants nothing to do with God. So this hurts on an emotional and spiritual level. And the one listing I did find that she was looking for something else than just atheltic looking men, she shot me down before anything. One look at the profile and did not even try any type of communications. So that did not help my esteem, there for a few days. I just hate feeling that I may be alone and my desires for a family may never be met. Long story. Now I did get to a budgeting seminar and feel a wee bit better about a few things. I did learn how to geta spreadsheet to do what I want it to do and made a few programming changes and voila...I have it to where it budgets so much better, I can even do pie charts now! ALl I have to do is update it manually everytime I spend anything and it does the rest....for the most part. But I can now get a much cleareer picture of where my money is going. In fact I may not know for another month but I should then know where my money is going. Such as really how much I spend on food and gas but also how much I spen on eating out. I just dont have an exact number yet, but it is coming soon. But then I can really focus on bills, debt, and giving. So I can help where I need to. I just need to take a good look of where I am first. Now the latest thing is sorta two fold. Once again in the book "The pursuit of holiness" by Jerry Bridges I am seeing that I may have been ofcusing in on one are of life, one sin, so much that I let my guard down to some of the others. I know there are at least three major areas in life I need work on. Physical health (weight), Stewardship (finances), and Purity. So that's at least lust, greed, and pride right there. Really I only have one area of life where I walk iwth others so that battle is going better than the other two. I think I might be able to get somewhere with the finacial aspect for some type of accountability. But that still may be on the surface. But In those three areas I only have resources for one of them to help in the battle. But in order to defeat one, as Bridges said, was that we must fight them all to fight one. And That just may be why I got back into a rut. Where my guard was so high up against one area I did not guard against anything else. In gaming terms I had put up a plus 9 wall of defense but I aided the enemy to put up a +10 damage so the wall only takes 9 and therefore the last point of damage burned. Now the second part of that is I am feeling a middle ground coming up wich is starting to scare me. Its like a shell of my old self just building up where I am spiritual but not religious. Where I just don't feel I am in god's kingdom but I am of God at the smae time. Where I did not feel burdened as much as I do now. That and seeing that I may feel more guilt than I do convictions yet so many convictions have come lately. Maybe this shell is my own way of protecting myself again. Even thoguh I feel hurt so many times, alone, and misunderstood, I still want to be there and help out and serve. Even though in my heart I am hurting. I feel at tiems that if I were to follow God and take great joy in all he does and follow more than I am that I will be more alone than I am right now. I really do to be honest about it. I also found at work that the photographer position was filled. I never even got the interview. I happen to see this everywhere. People moving upward and onward in jobs, marriage, life and I am sitting here loosing myself. So that is envy I guess biting at me. I read somewehre, I think from Bridges, this would be a great time to pray for those I am envious of. I am not envious I am frustrated I guess. But that is it, I do not want to pray about it. God knows what is in my heart. I feel that if I were to go back to prayer it is asking God for his will and to make me alone and suffer for no reason. I can't finsihg this post now. Too much is flowing. There have been some good things come from this week. I just do not know where it will all lead. The ups still do not outweigh the downs.
posted by Tom at 11:33 AM
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