In recent conversations this week two things came up in recent theme. Well actually there are several folks with the same thing for me.

Monday it came up where I was asked if anger clouds my judgement. And then today I get an email indicating that I am surrounded by negativity that clouds what God may be telling me in life. I can't say no as they are both true. But how much is clouded? I would say a good bit of it.

Let's take my last post for example....I got some anger and frustration stirred and then a simple blog turned into a rant almost. I thoguht I was over the anger issues but I guess I am not. Come to think of it when I talk I have a frustrated tone and even angersome. In fact, yeah alot has turned into anger.

Even towards Sojourn I have anger so I have stayed away for a few weeks. In fact this sunday will be the last day I skip. I know that this is the time when it would seem I most need church, but I am so angered with it lately I want nothing to do with it. I miss it when folks were folks, when business was not.....................Ok I am stopping. this is how I start off on the rants again.

Now let me look at the positives. Tomorrow night I will be having dinner with the guys from HOPE. I smile wanting to warm heartedly laugh wanting to see if they live up to thier name hahaha. I am looking very forward to this.

Actually if I were to put a few peices together I could see a reason for all I am going through. Yet it did not come in a direct way. Before I go furhter in my walk, I must go deeper to see where I am and what is blocking me from moving on. I have three different friends suggest to seek counseling of some form. Next week I do have a meeting scheduled where I hope to talk about a few of these things. Take a first step or two.

It seems I live with a demon and an angel in a tug of war over my life. The demon pulls me in and then the angel pulls me out but by different means. And has doen so by very practicle means here lately. Still some of it is out of this world or heaven, but there is still some that is right here down to earth.

I will survive, I always do. But for now I need a renewed sense of hope and purpose.
I feel that during this time I may hurt people and friends in many ways that I don't want to. But seeing that is all I am filled with right now, I may not say what I mean or want to. Words and judgement is clouded. I hope that I do not hurt anyone too far.

It does seem that God is sitting back watching, but sending his work to me through others trying to point me back to him...rather than God himself. I guess I am ok with that. But I need to know what lies and internal truths I am beleiving. Who knows.

Today I am ok.