 Monday, February 26, 2007
Here lately it seems am growing a challenge to think artfully. I put a photo into a show for the "Love" exhibit at church here this month. And the photo sold. As a photographer this is a milestone to have my first piece sold.
Then I have two more photos going on display in a "Documenting place" exhibit. But the newest challenge is for cultivating beauty month we have every year at church. But this year I have two ideas of art to submit. One that will require some antique shopping. So this means I will need to find a woman to go shopping with cuz I lack those antique skills as a guy hahaha. But the heart of the matter is cultivation. And I really want to express some more of the inners or reflections I have come to as of late. Thinking of it God has been cultivation in me into something of greater beauty. He uses the ugly sinners of the world not the pretty sinners. Well we all are sinners. Some are realistic in how they look in it. This journey is taking on a whole new level. Most of it due to much reading and pondering. And the class from How People change is about to wrap up, and I will be taking the class again when it starts up two weeks later. And who knows. I am defiantly now an Journey Becoming. But in return of the love God has bestowed upon me, I should cultivate in return with the provisions given.
posted by Tom at 2:16 PM
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Sunday, February 25, 2007
I feel a war may heat up here soon. I am starting to see my cross before me. I know to carry it will bring much pain. I know that I avoid pain at nearly any costs. I don;t want to go through this. I know it is going to hurt the very nature and fiber of my being.
Last week for accountability we agreed to read Psalms 74. I did. Not as much as I could have but there was one part hard for me to make it past. It stood out to me that if I do what I am supposed to do I might as well take a bat upside my head doing all the swinging myself. I would have to become my enemy and harm myself in so many ways. I am scared of this pain. Even though it is all I have known for so long. Christ called his disciples to carry their cross. If they wanted to follow him. It would be to loose your life in order to find it. The cross aint a few twigs tied together like you would see in the Blair Witch Project. No it is more like huge oak trees wood worked together. "The old cross is a symbol of death. It stands for the abrupt, violent end of a human being. The man in Roman times who took up his cross and started down the road had already said good-bye to his friends. He was not coming back. He was going out to have it ended. The cross made no compromise, modified nothing, spared nothing, it slew all of the man, completely and for good. It did not try to keep on good terms with its victim. It struck cruel and hard, and when it had finished its work, the man was no more." A.W. Tozer, the Best of. I see that the man I am becoming, is getting nearer to this cross and the time may be soon to start carrying it. I almost wanted to start a new blog for this called "A journey becoming..." because I am still seeking yes, but this aspect would be a transformative process. I am also thinking about doing something related to Gd at work and such. As a way of spreading out to others that suffer at work as I do. So from here there will be two new parts of this blog coming here soon. I may use this as a sounding board for a book. I really think I should write a book. But still before me the cross is coming into the picture. And I am really afraid for once of what is being asked of me. To go against every grain of myself and even my soul to let go of the heart of stone to receive a heart of flesh. More to come... Labels: A journey becoming
posted by Tom at 1:00 AM
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Saturday, February 24, 2007
Ok simply put how many of us are in a relationship? Single like me huh? Well you are in a relationship.
Pop quiz. I say a word and you tell me what comes into your mind. The very first thing. No second guess unless it follows the first. Relationship. Ok what came in there? having someone to love or love you such as a significant other? Family perhaps? father, wife, mother, daughter, brother, sister...? What about the church? As in the body that Christ died for not the pretty building down the street? What about that relationship? What about work? Not what you do for a living but work. How do you relate to the blessing of work. I can't believe I called it a blessing in my current situation but it is whether I like to admit it or not. Who we are does come out in relationships. Even in my despair I have overlooked several important relationships. In my sin I overlook my relationship with God and Jesus. I do not see my work as a relationship. I do not see what I do at church as a relationship. Think about it. At work do we cut corners? Act cocky and prideful? Put others down? Complain? Not care about the work we produce quality or quantity? But that is just work we may say. Ok let's take that same relational aspect home. Will we not cut corners with family? Will we not get angry at roommates? Will we not care? It is who we are. Not our jobs but what we work. Do we work for man or God? The least we do unto man is the most we do unto God. Relationships bring out who we are. And work is one relationship I have overlooked for so long. It feeds into many sins and into every area of our lives. What out job titles are don't mean a thing. How we work and live does. Need another example? I hate my job so bad I want out and do not want to bear through it anymore. Put that same attitude into marriage. If I do not hang tough at work who is to say that I won't be strong during rough patches in a marriage? Do I have your attention yet?
posted by Tom at 6:20 PM
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11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. 12 In those days when you pray, I will listen. 13 If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I found this in the rail today when I was reading my blog. IN regards to my last post.
posted by Tom at 1:49 AM
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Thursday, February 22, 2007
I know here I am where I am. I know where I want to go. I know where god is calling me to or calling me to become. I read to get my spiritual fill. Yet I do not seek him.
I stay angry and frustrated. I progress not. My heart hurts, yet what is called of me will hurt even more. And I do not move on. I do not seek him. I only sit by the sides and dream of a life in him.
posted by Tom at 7:07 PM
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Thursday, February 08, 2007
Today has been quite a day. It has been productive. It has been contemplative. Not as much as it needed to have been, but thoughtful as well.
In loosing focus we all feel we are further away from our goals. Or in sin we feel further away from God. ANd the distance grows and opens the door into others sins and negative feelings. But if we were to stop and look back, we might see a small glimpse of the larger picture. That's what has happened to me. I saw all of the trees but none of the forest. Just like the time I walked up the Appalachian Mountain. I never made it ot the top mind you, but I did make it far. At one point I stoped to enjoy the beauty. But I had no idea how far I had gone or left to go. At one point I looked back and saw a small clearing of trees and there it was the top of one of the mountains!!! I gasped as it took my breath away. I might have the photo around here somewhere. I was still surrounded by heavy hills and LOTS of trees everywhere. But I did not see progress. Al;l but for that moment. Then I got enough in me to walk even further and I did. Life is just like that. We don't know how far along we are until we take a minute in the muck to look around. So today I saw that my finances were not bad as I thought I had made them. I miscalculated so now my new budget starts perfectly for week 2!!! And today I got out walking at the gym. But I had to walk up 7 flights of stairs first then walked for a good half or or so. And to top it off I went to the store for some food and walked alot more! In fact I put in a good two and a half miles easily today. Not counting what I have at work tonight. And drinking 3 liters of water! I was mucking around, but I see that things are getting back slowly to where they needed to be. I Lost focus of who God is calling me to be. Strong not weak. I see that last night I came to another "ah ha!" moments. It hit me that yes I pray for forgiveness ALOT and repentance I know that can only come from God, but I never ask him to heal me. I forgot that he heals. Being strong means being there for others. For God, widows, orphans, friends, family, strangers, homeless. Being strong is not rebelling in sin. The strong still sin yes! But the strong do not turn left when God tells them to turn right just moments before. I fear the cross as I know it will be hard when I decide to completely carry my cross. It is heavy as a mountain. More to come...
posted by Tom at 6:58 PM
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Wednesday, February 07, 2007
In my own case, and I am sure millions others, how much we escape pain
even if we trade it for more pain. What is up with this? During this trial this is starting to surface a tad more clearly. I may be trying to avoind something that I avoid pain and forget my focus. Something to chew on. For those of you who read this blog please
posted by Tom at 4:43 PM
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Well in just being down from the bad news of going to all night shifts I still have no clue what God wants out of me. So I have drifted from him again. I keep returning but only a brief return as I will be back isolating myself from him again shortly after.
In a nutshell the only thing I can see me there suffering is not for my employer but for God and a test of self-denial. Which looking at the cross, well so far I see only one way there, put myself through a greater pain to make it to the cross. I don't want to put myself through pain and suffering more than I already am. I don't want to hate myself. And I feel that is what God wants right now.
posted by Tom at 11:58 AM
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Sunday, February 04, 2007
I think I may write another series of collected stories. Related to work and suffering this time. Maybe later though, not now.
It seems that the sermon last week has been such a great blessing for me as I have been different since. It was not just the sermon, but also the related scripture read throughout the service. But I did, no God showed me that in a physical sense, I have no power. In a way such as he did with Job. Since then many of my sins have been a battle. Especially with anger. I am not out of the woods at work just yet. However a crossroad may be here soon. But still I get frustrated and angry when thinking of the situation. It is a war against my pride and it is hard to let go of. Even in defense it is hard to let go of. In other sins in my life it's just as much of a battle and I sense it in the middle of it and stop. Something has changed and is changing me. I even now see repentance different. I cannot repent of my own. Only he can bring repentance. Next week I get to start accountability for more spiritual matters so that in addition to the other accountability, this could be good. This may help us remain focus. As I know that when I am getting angry and such that my focus is not on God. When it's not there for God, it's not there for others, my heart that is. So something is stirring and I know it is not me. It is not within my power so I can only give credit to him for this change. I have had several other brothers step up and support and encourage me this last two weeks. And I really want to bring them in on these things. And share with others the glory and great things that I am learning along this way. I hope that I do not overwhelm anyone with doing so.
posted by Tom at 1:18 PM
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