 Sunday, February 26, 2006
Well after standing in line waiting to talk to folks and only getting in barely two senteces I left Sojourn feelin unconnected by all once again. I am growing tired of this. And the roomates were gone so the place is all mine. I love a good sermon followed up by aloneness.......insert heavy sarcasm here.
But i wateched some bloopers and a few episodes pf one of my fav shows. Laughed alot and feeling better. Much better. But I lost the focus I wanted to have on god. I love to laugh. Its great exersize and it just brightens up one's day. I hate that a fictional TV family becomes more a family than those I hold dear to me or others in church. Anyways there is much going on but I do beleive that i just need a fiction break. I may have been putting too much in understanding and coming to terms with a few things, many convictions and coversations and books....all so many things, so many open doors that remain unclosed and undealt with that I need some closure, or I might just be overwelmed. I need a few good laughs, I need a night or two out with friends. I think I will start reading the Narnia books as it does have some deep messages in them but I need something where I can imagine and not think. I am tired of thinking. I keep coming back to this place where I feel there is no connection and I am back alone in my walk. When I feel I need others the most is when I have that lack thereof. I do have an idea of a script for the movie fest. That should keep me goin with some creativity. I just need some expression and an audience to hear it. Otherwise I might as well talk to myself. It's not about understand or expressing, it's like being rich...what good is it if you have no one to share it with? I want to share but I feel isolated. Well tomorrow may bring a new day and a new life...well starting to fix one major issue on my heart. Tomorrow I will go pick up a treadmill and I can start walking on it and hopefully start loosing weight, reducing stress, and just do something. I hope that this will be the first of a great change coming. Then after my health starts getting underway I hope to change or add the focus to finances. I do not know if I will seek counseling or not. It can't hurt but I don't know where to begin. I don't want to know.
posted by Tom at 10:01 PM
1 comments
Friday, February 24, 2006
Where am I spiritualy? I think it's just like eating out at dinner. I am drinking alot of water. Well the glass is getting empty and I am not asking the waiter for a refill. And until I do that, it will remain empty. That is where I am at right now.
Now I had many questions as to how I got there but that's where I am at. But I think that where much of my issues lately are at are with the fact of many open doors and no closure. RIght when all this happened about two weeks ago, near two and a half now, I shared my story in my accountability group. And it seems I opened a few things and did not close them off. At the same time I was reading some books and listening to a few sermons where several new convictions took me and then the book really seemed to hit home on a few areas I needed work. So I opened up many doors and none of them were shut or worked through. This would explain my senese of accomplishment being zero. At least now I know where the issue started for me to at least work through this. I am tired of the anger and frustration mounting. But if old scars were re-opened then I must do more than bandage them up. It is like an old friend you know you should stay away from...well that friend is back and I can't seem to shake it. If anything this shouls give more than enough reason to take it to the cross and back into God's hands. More to come. It feels good to get a clear thought out of my head for once lately.
posted by Tom at 7:59 PM
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Ok today's lunch was great. It was a good coversation. Well most of it confusing and a repeat of common spiritual facts that I really did not care to hear. but I do think I see where this may have started.
Pondering times ahead... pondering...
posted by Tom at 2:32 PM
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Thursday, February 23, 2006
Yeah I was real frustrated there for a few days. it was hard to see past anything at all. Still can't see too far ahead nor past myself right now. Buter better than what it was.
I am running my spiritual batteries low. I just can't seem to take myself before God. I just can't. And I dunno why. My dreams are weird again. I ponder if that is God's way of telling me something. As I sit here too many thoghts are coming to me right now. But having some good alone time is great. No roomates are here so I can chill out and focus in on some God time. But Still no focus. I am wandering what is my use for God? Or am I just kinda here floating along? Why.................ok I can't type now too much is hittng me at once so I better think this one through first.
posted by Tom at 8:29 PM
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Tuesday, February 21, 2006
The more I think about it, the more I see that I am an angry man. Just angry. At what? I dunno. But I am quick to anger. Yet I cannot stop thinking or seeing past myself to look at it.
My faith lately is centered around me seeking God...good? Well I am seeking God yes but no not good at all. Why is God not my center and my all? Too many thoughts for me right now. I need to sort them out. Was invited to another wedding. Which is cool. I am starting to like weddings actually. I will take anight off of work to be there. I really want to be there a part of something...give me a chance to dress up. I am angry with my weight. I really want a treadmill. I would say need but there are alternatives. but with no one to hold me accountable or care about my physical health, I want the treadmill to walk during these times I need some thinking time. Since I am well a large guy I get to pay more money for a treadmill. Everything is more expensive when you are fat. I am not fat, well I am, but I think I carry it well. I do not think i am meant to be fat as I know I can be limber, well sitting indian style etc for a big guy I think I do really well. But I am angry. I guess alot at myself, frustrated actally. Money is not well off and my health.............I just feel like cussin or something. But I don't. I need to sort this out. Get things going. I do look forward to the wedding though. I am an angry man. That is all
posted by Tom at 11:26 PM
1 comments
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Today has been good. I accomplished a good bit and yet so much more in store tomorrow. But now I sit here at work with some good mixed jazz and coffeehouse type tunes and then later I will change up to some christian tunes.
Tomorrow I think I will need to get some focus in on my God time and think out a few things. I know I have slacked off in prayer and devotions and I am feeling the pull of missing on it. I have listened to some podcasts and sermons that have got me thinking again. Pretty much in tune is where I am heading and how I can serve , pretty much what is my role in things. It is not anything terrible but it is enough to get one motivated to get thigns done. In fact I think tonight I will force myself to get out of here faster than normal. I am trying for 3am again. It would be supa fly cool. I have pretty much two hours to get the headway going now in order to see how things are. But back to my role and relationship with God. I know much of it will come in time. But a part of me just wants a good reality check, time to take inventory and get a good grasp where I am at. A checkpoint. I feel good as tonight I had fun. I got to observe a music writing workshop and I had a good time and a few thoughts. Some deep thoughts even came of it. It was a super bonus. And I got a good nap in today too. I still am thinking about the counseling to make sense of a few things, but then I want to learn to listen. As one of the counselors we are bringing on to staff at church is good with. I know that all the stuff I learn about myself and Christ is forgotten often...as it is not practiced into an everyday discipline. This could be a weakpoint of christians today, at least for me. Anyways back to work, hopefully I can get some good thoguths in while working too.
posted by Tom at 9:06 PM
1 comments
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Well V-day is over. And It was not that bad. It was a typical day for me. Woo hoo finaly a deressionless V-day!!! But it was a long day at work with a 3 hour outage that left us all non-productive. So I lost 3 good hours of work and have to continue again today. Which will be a great challenge. But that is work.
Last night I guess was a deep night. I tried to read but got to a point where it was too deep and I could not go on. It really hit me. It was a nice point of self reflection. I guess where I am now is there "Where am I" question. I am afriad of becoming a nobody or not even a blip on the radar screen. I don't know why I am feeling this way. But a part of me wants to be there or do something and feel like I am sitting on the sidelines letting everything pass me by. I know this is not true. I know I am not the leader type either. Well I guess to an extent I do want to but yet I am the support type to keep things rolling and bring others together. But in this worl typically you lead or follow there is no list for support. So I don't know how I fit into that. I do not know what my shape is....how do I fit? Live? etc? I guess that is something that will come with time. So manythings have fallen through so for me now things are kinda just along for the breeze going nowhere it feels. So much is going on everywhere I feel I missed my turn. Now from all the reading and good lunch discussins I have had lately I am thinking about seeking therepy for a while. A christian therepist, which would be my first. I am still burned on therepy since I was in high school. But a christian based one that can give me some biblical perpective could be good. But my past and present spiritual and emotional lives are now meshing together and I need to make sense of it all. The distinctions of the old self and new self are contrasting with more intenseity. So I am wanting to figure out which is which. Which is the path God has layed out for me. I am still juggling a lot of stuff though. So nothing definate yet. I think I need a mini vacation to get away from everything, rest up, and then come back and try to think things again. But then if I do a road trip I will have LOTS of time to think. I am still not back to prayer and bible time like I was...and Ithink I am starting to feel the effects of it. But I just can't get past what I see with myself enogh to focus on others and God.Oh well, things will work out. In prayer, in time.
posted by Tom at 8:31 AM
4 comments
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
I hate V-day. But this year I think I will ignore all the sinning going on. Wow think of it. there will be so many compromises and well stuff happening. And I won't be one of them hahhha. My sins will be normal working sins. Still as bad I know. but if I were to be human and lessen my sins this is how I would do it.
I am slowly getting back to par with my eating. Today will be a long day at work as I hope to get lots done, as there is LOTS to do. I am thinking more on God as I have not been with this weekend. But I never felt a lack of his presence either. So hopefully I can get into the better eating habits now than start back to bad foods. This can only be a good thing, eat out less (save $$$), eat at home more (eat healthy). all that funn stuff. Then I get my taxes back this week. I pray that i not let greed get me again. I keep trying to see how I can spend it. When I know there are things I should do in order to repair credit and save money. yet I do not o them. I get consumed with greed and wants that i get lost and even lost in focus from work and everything else. So I hope that I can stay away from ebay today at work. I am still pondering over what my calling is. I do not think I am more of a leader type but mroe of a servant or support type. I like to keep the system running and keep things together more than I like driving the bus. I just need some sit down time with God to think a few things out, or just let things come with prayer. I still know I have some anger to work out, road rage in particular. I need to learn patience. Anyways those are notes of me. Where life is so when or if I ever go back and read this I can see where I was at this season in life. Where do I go from here? Oh yeah no spellchecker, not yet anyways.
posted by Tom at 9:34 AM
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Monday, February 13, 2006
Man being sick sucks. I had Sbarro this weekend and seemingly got food poisoning from them. I have been attacked form the basement and the attic which has never happened and I have lost 10lbs this last 72 hours. I am trying to eat lil by li just to be eating again. So needless to say I have not been very spiritual. I know God is there, I feel hispresence but I am not doing anything to honor that...just kinda being until I get well again.
Least now I am on a good path to loosing weight, just not a good way to start it.
posted by Tom at 2:34 PM
0 comments
Monday, February 06, 2006
Last night in sermon we had a different speaker. This guy is good. He may have the place extra quiet, but he has some serious points that make me stop and really think on it. I found his blog and then saw he posted the notes.
Here is something I found to be profound for me... “In many places in the world today we see people fighting and lobbying under the banner of Christianity for all sorts of human rights and freedoms, both personal and political. To what extent the Bible actually recognizes such rights is a complex question. But in terms of individual spirituality, at least, the mature Christian should know that he has no right even to the shirt on his back or to his next meal, let alone the right to vote, to have a pension, to enjoy good health, or to get eight hours of sleep every night.“. . . We Christians know in our bones that we never had any right to be created in the first place, let alone redeemed. We know we have no more inherent title to life and its goodness than a dead man has. For us the coffin lid has already been nailed shut on all the natural joys and privileges that earth can offer. Knowing this, we are free to bless the Lord in all circumstances, whether we find ourselves clothed or naked” (Mike Mason, The Gospel According to Job, 37-38). But in terms of individual spirituality, at least, the mature Christian should know that he has no right even to the shirt on his back or to his next meal, let alone the right to vote, to have a pension, to enjoy good health, or to get eight hours of sleep every night. Um ya know I never thought of it this way. Even if we did ya know how much sinful pride comes into play over these? We get a I deserve attitude all the time. That's human yes but that does not make it holy behavior. Even putting all that completely in God's hands to provide, is easier said than done. But I know there are so many millions less fortunate than I, yet I DESERVE a shirt on my back. That's the mentality of so many. I mean how can we deserve our next meal? We know we have no more inherent title to life and its goodness than a dead man has. Ya know, I can't make a comment on this. I mean a dead man has no rights, and we have the same. That's just powerfull stuff to deal with. For us the coffin lid has already been nailed shut on all the natural joys and privileges that earth can offer. Nothing on this side of the clouds...nothing can offer us these joys? That too is rough. But that really is the point is why and how we try to let things on this side get to su, dominate us, live for them. Our goals can and are out of whack! It reminds me of a verse in Phillipians: I don't mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection! But I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ Jesus saved me for and wants me to be. No, dear brothers and sisters, I am still not all I should be,[a] but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven. Phil 3:12-14 Knowing this, we are free to bless the Lord in all circumstances, whether we find ourselves clothed or naked. So are we thankful? Am I thankful....obviously not. Not anywhere near as thankful as I know I could and should be. I know that giving thanks back is personally an issue I am coming to terms with in my walk. But I know I am not the only one. Now to tie this all up as it seems harsh but what got me going on this quote in the first place was... Everything is Grace! Everything is grace? Um that's a lot to swallow but after taking this quote in context it is very true. Everything we do, breathe, eat, receive, feel, everything on this side of the clouds is grace. I feel like I am in a coyote and road runner cartoon and just got an acme anvil dropped on my head...except the light that comes on above your head (ya know when they get an idea) is going off like a strobe light right about now. I do not see the whole picture but glimpses f bits and pieces of it all. Deep sermon. Great sermon.
posted by Tom at 9:24 AM
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