Well V-day is over. And It was not that bad. It was a typical day for me. Woo hoo finaly a deressionless V-day!!! But it was a long day at work with a 3 hour outage that left us all non-productive. So I lost 3 good hours of work and have to continue again today. Which will be a great challenge. But that is work.

Last night I guess was a deep night. I tried to read but got to a point where it was too deep and I could not go on. It really hit me. It was a nice point of self reflection.

I guess where I am now is there "Where am I" question. I am afriad of becoming a nobody or not even a blip on the radar screen. I don't know why I am feeling this way. But a part of me wants to be there or do something and feel like I am sitting on the sidelines letting everything pass me by. I know this is not true. I know I am not the leader type either. Well I guess to an extent I do want to but yet I am the support type to keep things rolling and bring others together.

But in this worl typically you lead or follow there is no list for support. So I don't know how I fit into that. I do not know what my shape is....how do I fit? Live? etc? I guess that is something that will come with time.

So manythings have fallen through so for me now things are kinda just along for the breeze going nowhere it feels. So much is going on everywhere I feel I missed my turn.

Now from all the reading and good lunch discussins I have had lately I am thinking about seeking therepy for a while. A christian therepist, which would be my first. I am still burned on therepy since I was in high school. But a christian based one that can give me some biblical perpective could be good. But my past and present spiritual and emotional lives are now meshing together and I need to make sense of it all. The distinctions of the old self and new self are contrasting with more intenseity. So I am wanting to figure out which is which. Which is the path God has layed out for me.

I am still juggling a lot of stuff though. So nothing definate yet. I think I need a mini vacation to get away from everything, rest up, and then come back and try to think things again. But then if I do a road trip I will have LOTS of time to think.

I am still not back to prayer and bible time like I was...and Ithink I am starting to feel the effects of it. But I just can't get past what I see with myself enogh to focus on others and God.Oh well, things will work out. In prayer, in time.