Hello I am Tom the Pharaoh. Yes I have resumed my posting after the book of Exodus. Actually my reading time has been pumped up this week. I started again the read bible in a year campaign...well attempt to read it in a year, but this time I started where I left off a year ago rather than start over. So far so good.

I was reading Moses and his dealings with Pharaoh. It scares me how much I resemble Pharaoh. I may not be as hard hearted but I am as stubborn. There are times when god intervenes and steps in saves me and I am like oh ok cool thank you God. Then I go back to my ways all over again until the next disaster. Sounds like Pharaoh. i may not have plagues but I am in the doing over and over of my sins that God has delivered me from. So this tells me that like Pharaoh God might have this planned so that I can one day truly understand his grace and mercy.

This has been a better week for me, especially spiritually. I locked myself up last Sunday night after service. I needed the time away from everything and to ponder, pray, and meditate. It was a very good return.

I started off reading some, then taking a nap. Then later I went back to reading and prayer. I took a sheet of paper and filled it with things on my mind and heart to pray about. It was a long list. So In prayer I went through them each one, may not every one but I think I got them all in one way or another.

So the time alone, bible reading, and prayer have all been much better this week. But the fun did not stop there. God really gave me more to look into. I know that my heart has been damaged greatly by the divorce of my parents eighteen years ago...oh man I just did the math, that those who are just turning eighteen were not born or just being born when my life went to hell. Sheesh that's crazy, now I know I am getting old! Anyways I really see that the loss of either parent being spiritual and having only one parent has effected me.

Now in seeing more of this, actually i have always thought that has effected me but now I have seen how it has. Therefore it is now fact. So now many years later in my new year of restrengthening relationships from friends, community, family, myself, and even God, I find that I have much to work on and that I cannot do it alone and I am not alone in this battle.

I have been let down and in a slump several times over and over. I abandon God and go back to my ways feeling more isolated and alone than ever before. Coming to know and understand God has taken second burner again. Starting to sound like Pharaoh now huh? Even this the two greatest commandments given where Love God with all our heart and then second was to love our neighbors as ourselves. (Matthew 22:37-40) It was during these times that I did love god, yet not with all me heart. I had space set aside for myself or selfish indulgences and all that fun stuff.

Ok so it was not fun at all after all was said and done. Why do I get right back into these situations again? Is it God's will? Either way this may be his way for me to go through these hurtful and hellish relationships that I have felt, where I have burned, that after it is done I will come to seek and to love him with all my heart and understand a more true and genuine relationship. Then a greater fulfillment can occur.

So my past really did set the playground for many of my issues of my current life. Do I want to stay there? I don't think so. I even had yet another moment of clarity...I know these things cannot be of my own accord, even at that they seem way to very co-incidental. Is that I know I have a great desire for a Godly wife. That desire has grown yet the milestone in this wonderful goal to try to reach is I overshot the runway. I said GODLY wife, yet in my heart what I meant was a godly WIFE. I wanted the wife that happened to be Godly but I forgot the first three letters of the two words GOD. I forgot above all to seek him first.

So even again I forgot god when I did not want to be alone. Seems to be a pattern here. But I am greatful in the way all this has come to me this week. Now that the light has been shined upon this I can make.....no I cannot do anything, but only after loving and putting faith into God and letting his will be done all will be resolved. I have not been faithful as I know I should have. Tonight I saw this. I have not been faithful to anyone but myself.

In fact in writing this...so many more thoughts have come up I would go on for hours on this post. I was in a funk. I felt very alone and isolated from all those around and several of whom I wanted to be close with. And then I cared but only for myself.

In the fear that people stayed away because I whined or complained or came off as a complete angry jerk, I guess they were right to do so, I was. Tonight I got some feedback of something else I could do in those times I need to tell others of the troubles I am facing. I was right out happy in my complaining and clueless why no one would help or join me. I did not ask them to. Not even in a godly manner or anything to indicate hey could you please help me. I only complained.

I am trying not to sound so narcissistic in this posting but seeing that it was me where the issues are, I do not know where else to start. I am not upset or down right now, in fact I am happy. Happy to know these things, to know what needs to be worked on and rebuilt with go, myself and others. I have not shown that I care for others, once again not being loyal or faithful.

This is where I was wrong. I did not see this, it was and is a sin. Rooted deep into selfish pride. That I have not been able to see in this light without the grace and glory of God. I am thankful today.

This was a good week. I was not alone. God was with me and I even found I forgot the holy spirit. How can I forget to ask and pray for that. The father, the son and the holy spirit.