 Friday, December 30, 2005
I almost regret ever going to college. Yet if not then I would not be where I am if I had not gone. The debt just grows. They mask themselves as helping you out to afford payments when they do not. They only make them higher or longer. At this rate I will never get out of debt.
I cannot seem to find any support for this. Dave Ramsey is the closest I have found yet no one to hold me accountable or just be there in some form if support. It seems everyone will tell you how to sepnd your money but no one will ever show you, lead by example, or even just be there supportive. This cloud never seems to go away. Even twice this year I had to go furhter in debt one with a car and the other with healthcare. Now if I could have a second full time job making the same and killing myself I can have it knocked out in a year. Yet if I give every penny of what I make currently, it will take nearly two years. Education is a ripp off. It is a trick to go into debt and more companies are getting in on it. You pay top dollar for an education that no one is looking for without years of experience. Yet will not talk to you without that paper. That is not why I am here tonight. It is the fact of managing finances and being steward of what God has given me. I stink at this and cannot seem to get any help. I can't do this anymore. I cannot tell myself no nor can I force myself into poverty while paying these folks off. I am growing so weary of this all. It is another factor drianing me completely. I am also gettign so very frustrated with the work situation. My current job makes it hard for me to take a second job and creates a pinch on my health. Yet when I search for a job, hoping to find one where I can be a we bit happier than I currently am, I find nothing. I only see steps backwards in pay and thus would negate the whole meaning of job search. I am so very weary over the job and finances. I do not know how I can ask God for help or how to make it through it. I know the one small glimpse that keeps me going, and a very miniscule glimpse at that, is gettign a hold of finances now so that I can have the financial needs for a family one day. Become a better stweard and more responsible. I do refuse to slave my life away and get so busy as I know it would drain me and drift me furhter from God as it has before. This new year I am making it a point to tithe now. I finally have means of doing so and that actually lifts a huge weight off of me. Now just have to make sure that I do it and stick to it. Which brings me to the next point so many times I get no followup and am left by myself to do whatever and therefore get frustrated and give up. I have so many projects I have started that I have no idea when I can complete. I am very greatful and thankful for the words of encouragement I have recieved lately about persevering. It is gettign harder when old evils come back, and some never go away and the issue gets so big it is, well overwelming cannot do it justice as it seems more than overwelming.
posted by Tom at 9:43 PM
1 comments
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
I am sitting here feeling rather empty. Does no one understand me or have I alienated others by my views, thoughts and feelings? What does God want with me? can't he just send me a note and tell me something? I guess that's just me wishing again.
Tonight my friend called from Tennessee, the same one who gave me his line about the bible and pretty much set me off for the rest of the weekend. The one who laughed at something honorable. It seems that since I do not seek sex that is to be funny and something to laugh at. He called tonight and I ignored the call. I will keep writing here and voicing in my podcast I guess. Seems to be the only place to voice anything on my heart or in my head. But honestly what does God want with me? I can't seem to persuade anyone of anything, I can't even tell if I am setting any type of example or planting any seeds. It's not that i do not know, it seems that I get the message that I do not. We are supposed to be ambassadors of Christ...I think I get F- every report card on this subject. I know that at Sojourn I am making an impression at least knowing that I serve a purpose and see the fruits of my actions. And yet I have missed it for a few weeks and am feeling rather misplaced. Outside of those hours I feel empty and alone all but for knowing there is God...when I remember his presence that is. Where in the world am I going? I just do not know if I am serving God's will for my life. Now if I accept the sovereign grace aspect then I am, everything i do is of his will. But the part where I have choice and the choices I make determine where I go. This I seem to have an issue with. I have tried several times to get in touch with others but it seems shallow most of the time and I come off as whiny and complaining so I am taken less seriously. Or when I pose a question, I seem to scare folks off or I do not get anyone to engage in such a conversation with. This year is wrapping up and I am close to finishing one project for the partnership directory. this should be a great accomplishment yet I do not feel I have accomplished anything. I have crossed paths with a few folks that I have started some wonderful relationships with yet it seems two of the important ones have drifted away. Life happen that way, yes I know. I do feel worthless to God. Everyday life outside of Sojourn I see no progress. Work and friends see me one way and do not see me any other way. I cannot influence them to see hey I am changing I want to seek greater things and change behaviors. I want others to see how Christ is doing great things in my life yet they are rejecting me and therefore rejecting God. I slipped up real bad around x-mas, back into old habits and thoughts. I was back into them bad. God became second as I wand to just survive the worst days of the year that got two days added because of my best friend. All I want to do is go back to the new life I was fighting for. It's all that I have when everyone else in the world that i cross paths with, refuse to see. I make mistakes and I slip up yes, but no one takes my faith seriously. I need a good sermon to go to here soon. But I do not think that may happen soon enough. Sunday will be here sooner than I think. yet this is my week off so I do not see any rest enough to return to the evil world in which I work. How can I be an ambassador of Christ or become a good steward for him when I try and fail? The world sees only see failure and sees not success. Those around me do not see or acknowledge Christ in my life. This hurts. I know that we are to proclaim God in our lives. I guess this is persecution? I know I have plenty of things in life that I need to change, better habits formed, bad ones dropped, heart changed etc. I cannot do this alone. Honestly I fear I will be one of the lost and left behind, one of those who tried and failed miserably. I fear i will be one who struggles and seeks God and still falls into the pits of hell. This fear comes up a lot. Even in the middle of sermon. I am bound for hell as I am wrong in my faith. I fear my desires will overcome those of God's desires for me. Then again I do not completely know what they are. I guess my story is I guess a sequel to the prodigal son and maybe a cross of Paul? (the one who wrote Romans) that I want to go home, I cry out to find the way and get nothing. The small directions take me no where or I end up in a circle and no one to ask directions of. Only my voice is all that I hear. I find no other person to hear their heart or voice. How do I go home if I know not the way? I will go to the wrong home. One where there is no air conditioning. I do not want to burn, I do not want to be wrong, I do not want to be forgotten. This fear overcomes me and frustratingly terrified. Horrified. just frozen up scared where my brain shuts down. I cannot fathom that forever. Let alone the idea of forever. The only truths I hear are the ones that have been twisted and that lie in my head and every now and then the word. Who can lead me? Who can I follow? I follow the best that I can and it seems I hear so often I am going the wrong way or no way at all. it is hard for me to find God in my Godless world that I live and work...well only work. I am scared to strike up conversations with people I do not know. I do not smoke so I do not get to meet others who take a smoke break. It seems that smokers are more sociable than non smokers. Well by means of the smoke break. Who can ever see me for who I am becoming rather than the one they want me to be. Even at church I feel hunger. At least with community groups. I see so many others all together and me just being a free-agent roaming around. I feel free agent lost in the desert away from so many and so much. So at Jeff Street am I making a difference in these men's lives? Am I brining God to them or am I just the internet guy? Am I working on the partnership directory just for the praise and attention? Am I doing the directory for the glory and honor of God? Yes I have no idea. So I keep going with what I have been given. I miss my connections with god and I hope and pray that he would bring someone else into my life that can walk with me. But I do not go back towards God hoping that i find that human interaction and someone to help guide me back. This does not work. I know God has taken so many steps towards me especially over this last year. Yet I do not take as many steps as I know I should. Yet I want a few certain steps taken towards me first. God has his plans for me. I do not know how accepting I am of it at times. To be honest I am an angry man, lustful, selfish, prideful, confused and human. Why do I sit here so many times with no one to talk to of this? At least those who will not play the "I am busy" game on me. I have heard that too much I have missed out on so much and have been left with the evils in my head and thoughts running amok without anyone to help me sort them. Those who have done me wrong, I do not want to forgive. That's honestly the way I feel often times. I can forgive yet I still anger at the memory. Why am I like this? Why does romans 7 keep coming back to haunt me? When I want not to do evil, BAM!!! I am sinning again. Sometimes its a small sin or something i do not notice. Other times I know it is a complete blatant sin and do nothing to get out of it. I know that I crave others in my life, I also crave to be there for others and make a difference. I wish to be there for others. Yet I am one that others find hard to let me in. I guess I want to be the hero. I look back the the best times I have had were often ones where I was helping and was a part of something. Where I made a difference. It is hard to be there for others while wanting others in my life just as much. Maybe this is why I cannot give myself completely into things like Jeff Street or the directory. As when I get done I am back to being alone and wanting. Or wanting something deep conversation that might bring me closer to God. If even something to understanding a trap or trigger I set myself up for and fall into, lies from Satan, or even work through this "wrong path" and thoughts of hell. Yet I do not. I am human, I am a sinner. And this seems to much for any man in this world (man = men + women) to accept me for. Yes I am a sinner and will sin again. I fear I am doomed to hell at times. I do not like my sins. For my old self is all I know so i do not let it go. It is all I have and that is something I do not have with out God. When will this ever go away? Please tell me before I fall into the fires. Then my suffering here will be in vain and only the worst of it here will be the best of times below. I do not want to be that one guy who followed and failed. I do not want to live like this. Yet only God knows and understand, yet I know not nor understand his desire for me. Is my role the supporter that helped others to Christ? I have rambled enough, I want to scream right now. I can't shake this. I am Tom and that's all I know who to be no matter what either the old Tom or the new Tom.
posted by Tom at 10:31 PM
2 comments
Now that the holidays are over for now I am slowly coming back to par. I am listening to a sermon my roommate brought in from a guy who spoke at his parents coast. And needless to say it is upsetting. In fact so much that I want to dedicate this blog of how much I believe he is wrong, or I at least do not buy his theory.
in a nutshell he blames Katrina and other natural disasters on us due to God's anger over our treatment towards Isreal. That this is a judgment upon the whole country, the entire United States of America. that Katrina, tornadoes, even Mount St. Helens blowing in 1980 was because God punished us for what we have done to Israel. Yes he does have some good points. Yet however this end of times preaching to me is a cop out for Christianity today. Personally for me yes I see that god does discipline those who he loves...this is done for a purpose. Such as myself I have been diagnosed with Sleep Apnea. Which in a nutshell can shorten life. So do I get angry with God? Or those who believe they are born Gay, they were born that way? Those born with Aids in Africa or here in the US? What about those who were in the south during the hurricane and lost loved ones? What about those going to work and doing their thing in New York during September 11, 2001? is this God's wrath? Go ahead place judgment and blame them all on God. God did this it's his fault he punished us this is his wrath. Ok let's see here during Katrina I looked at all the destruction and saw the devastation and ya know the only thing on my mind? What such an opportunity to cling to God and look towards him for dependence. You can look at it as punishment from God yes. but that does not tell me anything. Who else do I have to go t? God? So therefore I can see that this as a way to remember God and his glory. We have nothing without him. nothing. Even this computer is not mine. It will not go into heaven nor hell with me. It is gone. And why does one area of the U.S. get punished because of a president's bad choices? Looking at this as a country yes society is changing the way we are think and feel. We are becoming a very self focused and hedonistic society. Ok this is a problem all over and not just one country. Welcome to the world. So individually we are responsible for our own action and will be called int account for every word and action before God during the day of judgment. So go ahead and cop out and blame this on something else other than our own actions. Go on its the end of times isn't it? let's use fear rather than being like Christ whom talked to these sinful folks prostitutes, criminals, tax collectors, the common man everyone. But if you want to use natural disasters and acts of evil on the government and entire country yes it's tha fault of them not our individual selves right? Is this what is being said? I am sorry I cannot buy this at all. Even with the points he made that were legit, I cannot take them as a whole to the sermon I listened to. Not facing these problems and wiping them off using generics, speaking to large numbers than walking with others, focus on the people each and every one. When God does see fit for something to happen, it is not God to blame. It is not ourselves to blame. Every day life there is a disaster and personal hell happening somewhere. Repent your sins yes, this is a key factor. but the first thing is you must be able to see God and take the first step towards him and realize this whole life no matter good nor bad is temporary. Why must we look at only natural disasters as a call to repent? Even good and bad can be an is a call to repent. Why must we single out the end times and bad as time to repent? The time is always now. We are not promised a tomorrow and even says in the bible, I do believe but I could be wrong, so why worry about the end times. Today is where we are and God is tomorrow. What we do today will bring us tomorrow. When that day comes. Yes this got me fired up and if I only had a better memory I could come up with a huge debate on this. I hate it when Christians focus outside or externally and not walk with others. This is where you will get them there. As the Chinese proverb goes "Tell me and I will forget, show me and I might remember, but and involve me and I will understand" It seems so many would rather tell. And I am trying but I know that I could do some more involving myself.
posted by Tom at 6:15 PM
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Sunday, December 25, 2005
I know this is my last night of work for just over a week. And I really do not want to go in. I do not even want to do it in a manner that brings glory to God, I just want in and out of there no matter how great or lack thereof the job I will do is. Things can be wrong I am not in a space where i care if I work correctly or not.
I am really hating this funk shell I have built myself into. Even today being Christmas, well I have lved in a way where it was not Christmas, yet it was just another day...nothing special and oterh than vacuming there was nothing done of benefit for today. I want to go to bed and wake up putting this weekend behind me. Tuesday will be fun if I wake up in time as I will be on a road trip and tomorrow help move in the next roomate and hopefully Jeff Street. Maybe breaking back into my normal new habits will shock me out of my old. I hope that folsk are back in town or not busy as I would really like to talk to some of them. In fact there are two in particular I need an openhearted honest conversation, even blunty, I just need to face a few thigns and facing them alone yeilds nothing redeeming, yet if I get in touch with the folks I hope to then even harsh words can be said in a loving manor. This is what i really love about thoese whom God has brought into my life this year, is that they can call me out on things but they do not do so in a demanning way, in fact it is in a supportive way. unlike nearly everyone else i know where if you are called out you are demeaned into a lower priority then they for hey are greater for telling you screwed up......balh there I go again gettign angry again. What can I say I am in a funk and want out...yet getting out I cannot do alone...... I have lost my focus...has anyone seen it? It feels like I am looking for a contact lens in a patch of plaid hay...yes I said palid hay.
posted by Tom at 6:23 PM
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This Christmas may we not get carried away in greed and envy in the giving of gifts, and recall that this was the day that God gave us the most wonderful gift, the start of three gifts...birth, death, and rebirth.
This is not our day, this is his day. May this you remember and have a safe and merry christmas.
posted by Tom at 3:01 AM
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I think this weekend I fell backwards into a huge platter, no a banquet table full of Turkish Delight. Yes that's seems to be the best way to explain things. I know that I have built up a wall and crawled into an all to familiar hole. It is what I have known this time every year for a growing number of years now.
Now one thing I have been pondering over alot since I watched Narnia so many times it has not left my mind. That and listening to the soundtracks keeps me into the whole world of Narnia. Then I thought of all the other worlds I have been to that have left an impact on my life Fantasia, Hogwarts, Middle earth...particularly Rohan, Cybertron, and now narnia. Actually this was my return to narnia. I saw the BC version years ago but did not know what it was then, I was in 6th or 7th grade at the time. Anyways... Now back to the Turkish Delight. It is so much more than a desert. It's what your heart craves for the most and desires above all. This time of year I am in a funk and there is no one around. I have the place to myself again even tongiht I was alone at work. Before I go off on a rant about how lonley this time of year is w/o friends or family to spend it with I stepped back into old sins. Into the old ways. I ahve been fighting for so much but this last week I let so much go and screwed up so many places and not just one area or two...anger, lust, greed, financial matters and so much more. In fact I now have to clean up a mess or two of all these actions. Yup it's a nice lil mess. So needless to say I went back into some old bahviors and sins. Even then it becomes a whole new entity than sins. It was my heart of old. I was asked what I would like by my cold evil heart and voila it happened. Carless spending, evil thoughts and desires, carefree spending, lack of followthrough or self discipline.....the list goes on. but that seems to be what I wanted. I did not ask for a tasty treat such as Edmund did in the movie and books. I wanted old ways that I knew that became a way of coping nad partof who I essential amy and becmoing who I was. It is what is on our hearts. I know that I want not these sins and when i try not to there they are sitting and waiting. Yes straight outta Romans, 6 or 7 I think. Yet I know these old ways were and are bad. Even when i did not see myself fall I still did not turn away or run away screaming back into the arms of God in the ways of Christ. So I failed yes, I am human the way it speaks of in the bible...yet I failed or fell backwards. to fall face down can be a step forward...to fall down backwards is a step back and once starts often there is nothing to do until we are on the flat of our backs. At some point the suns glare will allow us to see Christ or the glory of the Lord that a pair of hands come down and help us back up. Then when we need nursing back to health we may need to go back to the basics of milk before we start back to some hardcore foods or faith. Every now and then I will ask for water to drink with my meal rather than tea. And every now and then it hits me how refreshing simple water can be and is. But I forget as I am a big boy so I want tea. Like Edmund who felt no one was on his side or liked by his siblings he went with what gave im pleasure, a tasty treat. I know the Turkish Delight was just the means of transportation of said sin, he wanted his taste buds and stomache soothed. For me it was more dangerous and complex then that. But I had my Turkish Delight. Yet I found it not as satisfying it once was. In fact it was even unpleasurable. It was bland. No longer was it sweet and powerful. But I went to the bland. And I must have loved it becasue I did it again and kept on messing things up. So what does this mean? It's time to sit down for a second, take inventory of what is, has been, and yet to come (where things are heading but not definite to come) and drink water, simple purifying water to wash down and remove the taste of the Turkish delight I have been eating the last week or so. So for those loyal readers I have out there I hope this makes sense. What is your Turkish Delight? Spellchecker = not yet
posted by Tom at 2:22 AM
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Friday, December 23, 2005
Happy to be home? Yes I am. Got to take a nap and go into work, sadly yes to that as well. This mini trip was, well a disaster. It had some great thigns and even a point or two to ponder from God. Yet it was not the recharge I was seeking.
I am falling ill with the world of man. It is a prodigal return. I am filthy in a mess and want to run home to Christ with his arms wide open there waiting on me to accept me. It is time for things to change. First off my best friend is, well our faiths are different and this is going to cause a serious rift in our reltionship. he does not belive in the bible but beleives in God. Being the close minded block head he is, I cannot speak of Christ with him. This bothers me as I cannot even get my closest friends and family to see my side, to speak of christ with them as it afalls upon deaf ears and cold hearts. Only God can do this for them. But this weekend to hear that there is a higher power and yet the bible is wrong since it cannot be proven is from God...this was too far. I wanted to come back into a world where he is accepted. Anyways I went to watch Cheaper by the Dozen 2 and I nearly cried at the end when there was a child being born...yes I cried, it was dark in the thater and I wiped my eyes in peace hahaha, thankfully the lights were still off haha. So this made me think for real. Its time to move onward and maybe work on a christ centered family. All I know is the more I think about this, the more I get so very angry that I want to scream. So I must remove these thoughts from my mind. I am weary and feel as far as man goes, there are none that I can...it's the holidays, no matter how much I dream or pray for it I must spend another one alone again. For days I will be alone. I guess I will have to save this one for a podcast. Too much to type. As for now I know that I do not have the answer but a direction. Right now it only seems to come back to Christ. I guess the mid twenties crisis is over? Now a new direction os coming out of this that has even more questions than before except I feel this is where I need to grow. I would love a family so that I would not be alone again while here on earth. Yet the only way I can do that is grow into christ like-ness that only he can provide and no one else can mimic or imitate here on this world. Several people have coem into my life this year and have made such a huge impact and I cannot be thankful enough. Yet there is one that keeps coming back into mind and I ...I dunno. No spellchecker used...yet
posted by Tom at 4:04 PM
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Monday, December 19, 2005
Ahhh a I got the imac and it's is now on the internet woo hoo. It works real well for what I need for it to do, even thoug it is used but I am fine with that. I celebrated by adding a sticker to my car bumper of the apple logo.
Today I am drained, tomorrow is extremely busy. Oh so very busy. I hope that I can do everything I need to do. I have three meetings, 8-10 hours of work, lunch, a key to make (gotta hunt down a hardware store), run to the bank across town, drop off three framed photos, oh man I am worn out just thinking of this. I hate being this busy as I hate it when others are this busy. But this is a one day event. Hopefully I can pull 15 hours of work in two days, so I can take off two and a half days to take a break and visit friends in Nashville. God has been, well I have not been as well with him as I would like to be right about now. I have missed group and sermon and am not as connected as I would like to be. now the good deal is I will have a nice road trip by myself to ponder and think, listen to a sermon mp3 or two. Now is a time where I cannot afford to forget God is in control and able to help. I have no power and am loosing whatever power that I do have. This season angers me with the selfishness and uncare for anyone else in the world that comes between most people and shopping., bad driving etc. I hated missing the Soiree the other night, I hate feeling left out of everything, I hate only hearing others ask how I am on sunday and no other day of the week...I am an angry person and it saddens me to feel left out or disconnected. By choice or circumstance. Actually this week and tomorrow there are several opportunities where I will not be alone and am a part of something, alas there is so much going on. On my mind alot is bringing myself to God I want to bring him something, Here God here I am I give you all that I am, I have value. Yet this goes against pretty much the basis for the Christian life, or the "poor in spirit" beatitude. I am having trouble getting to the root of it and say Lord here I am, I offer you nothing. That and I am still pondering what "choice" means. No one seems to be able to answer that question. I think I lost so many people by making it so simple. In fact I wander if it has anyone on the guard from that sort of question. I guess I am getting used to not having an accoutnability/discipleship/leader/partner/friend beside me in this walk, yet I know I suffer from it. Oh well. Onto work, hopefully I will be efficiant and effective tonight making headway for tomorrow.
posted by Tom at 8:40 PM
2 comments
Sunday, December 18, 2005
I just finished up the last of the bbc videos from the Chronicles of Narnia, the Silver Chair. Ok this is defiantly Christian movie and I can't wait until I start the books. It is some deep stuff. This one the darkest of the books and often scariest, they were desperate, and this one had the deepest meanings.
The ever loving negative marsh-wiggle really put things in real well. Just like every day as the pagans and atheists attack this faith. They say it does not exist and is an imaginary world. But the book really put a nice spin on it. It made me wanna draw my sword and take a swish at some of the bad guys or some force of evil. Then in the end Aslan really made a point. He has pretty much been doing the Gandalf factor just in there long enough to send folks into battle and disappear. But just like Gandalf, he comes in and makes his presence known and his point made fast. But Aslan did mention he brought the kids there to believe in him to help us understand him better in our world. Aslan exists here as well but he is known as another name....I wander who that could be? To understand and known of Christ is one thing. And it's a shame how much we all, at least for me, that we forget. We get so easily distracted and live back in this world that we forget to live like the goal of Christ's ways. What a curse to live in this world in the ways of man and forget the goal that lies ahead. I know for a few days I did well with reading and meditations, and then I slacked off for a few days. So I hope to dust myself off and get back to getting on. For now it's trying to cling onto work and the goals at hand. I need to be at work tomorrow and then a meeting and long day of work on Tuesday. But the good thing is I get a chance to take a min vacation Wed-Fri noontime. I can see my dad and visit my best friend. Then come back for three days......ooops did it again. I wanted to focus in on how I need to cling to and focus in on Christ during these next three days. I have a meeting for the directory at the church office Tuesday morning, and then I have a long day of work. I would have been working eight days straight this way. But ya know, it gives me time to take a breather.
posted by Tom at 2:43 PM
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Saturday, December 17, 2005
Another new day and a great many a yawn, or yawns in my case. Last ngiht I made it out of work in record time. I hope for the same tonight. I really would have loved to be at athe Soiree this year, but work calls. The trade off is plenty of time to rest up and have plenty of time off.
I have slacked off in my devotins and prayer time, then again it is that time of week where work drains me and I feel so far from God even thoguht he is with me and I do think of him while at work.....well after listening to a good song and letting the lyrics hit me. Just to take me away from there. I have even slacked off in reading, I am nearly done with two books. But I may finish one of them here today since it is such an easy read but still very good. I am trying not to get sick while I feel it creeping up on me. So what is on my mind? Choice. That simple...choice. Not choice by God or of God but the choice he gave us. Our choice. And I am seeing it in another way. So I have been pondering over that one. I hope to share my thoughts about it as soon as I get a good sit down time to do it. I need that one on one time again here soon.
posted by Tom at 11:35 AM
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Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Tensions mounting at work. I have doen well to not give in and buying a lot of stuff. I did go ahead and pay for New Attitude conference comping up in May. NewAttitude.Org so that looks to be cool.
I do not know how to honor God in my current job situation. No one seems to be able to answer this one for me nor able to walk with me through this. And my hatred and contempt only grows. If I am the church goer it makes everything I do reflect even more poorly upon being a christian. Then I do not think I am taken seriously enough at work. As long as I show up and am perfect and make no mistakes, give no input and give everything the highest priority then I am fine.....at least they are fine with me then. I was about to really get to some serious stuff with my community group as I still feel a lack of community, well outside the fun filled two hours each week. I feel I have none. I think next week I am going to visit friends and family in Nashville for a day. The only day off I have, well one of two until christmas. I need the break. These next few weeks are going to be hell with work and then everyone I know being done with school are outta here for thier own families etc. So things are about to get lonley yet again at this time of year. But the day after christmas I am so gonna have fun. No work for a week. Ahhhh I have done more prayer even for others which is a cool thing. But I still ponder over what are god's plan for me? I just bought three cd's from Itunes, both of the Narnia cd's one with chrstian music and the other intrumental, and then Songs fro the Cross centered life, it was a cd given props from C.J Mahney's book the cross centered life.....speaking of Mahaney he and Joshua Harris and others will be at New Attitude conf here in May. More thoughts to come...... I hope to blare my ipod with plenty of new inspirational songs that help me work, drown out work's distraction and ungodliness, and hope that it does keep me reminded of his presence all day.
posted by Tom at 12:05 PM
1 comments
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Being in a constant battle for sexual purity, well that word purity is not even the 1/16th of it. When on a path towards godliness it engulfs everything in ones life, not just one aspect.
For a record I do agree with the Pope, which does not happen often where the Christmas season is ravaged by consumerism. Amen. Someone listen to him. He may be right on this point. Create and give gifts from the heart not go out and shop shop shop.....anyways. Even giving gifts from the heart can take away the celebration and focus that Christ was born. Yes giving gifts to ones you love is great, yet it just occurred to me that the wise men gave gifts to a child they did not know. How may widows, orphans, homeless are out there that receive no gifts? How many know not the world and love of Christ? How many people do we know that refuse the love of Christ? This is something to think about over the holidays. But back to the purity aspect...it seems now that I have regained a level of sensitivity to things I see sex every where. And the age limit of sexual display is getting lowered. Now teens are even dressing and partaking into fashion. The other night at the movies I was like why are these girls wearing clothes this tight? They seemed to want to look good and made it a point so that is vanity, then of course lust by the way they dressed. I wished I had authority to tell them to go home and put on some looser fitting pants. Or something to cover up their cleavage. Yes this is the season of consumerism, yet sex sales so guess what, two plus two equals sex'mas the season of consumerism!!! Guys but for their girlfriends to have sex, girls will get things that make them more attractive so their boyfriends will have sex with them. I am thankful for the women at Sojourn. I have been able to see that it is not always like this. Why is it this way? I know not all are like this but it's all over the place. Before I started my own battles with purity.....before the lord made it obvious I needed to work on this and set forth my path others to join me in the fight.....I see that I was desensitized (sp??) to the sex everywhere. But my levels have increased and I see it everywhere. It seems to get harder to find a modest girl in both clothing and lifestyle. So much time is spent on sex and living in fantasies that we waste so much of our lives. What is up with the world today? Women dress up poorly, men react (what seems only to) the women who dress poorly therefore keeping the cycle going. It is getting anger some, I want to scream at every girl looking like an advertisement for sex, and scream even louder at every boy (men can be boys too) that are out like the hound dogs on a hunt. I know of a friend that is obsessed with sex as much as I once was. Being on the other side of the fence, seeing how much time and life is wasted...I know right now all I can do is pray for him. From what I have learned is sex is not a one word sin called lust. It's a packaged deal, with vanity, greed as you want it more, pride...yes all these are rooted in pride. We are a prideful society. The root of our problems is pride. We want for ourselves. Very opposite from the first beatitude of being broke in spirit offering God nothing as we have nothing to offer him. This is only one area that God has blessed me with to fight. This is only one of several areas he has given me to battle. Finances, support, so much more. But we, I must learn to rely on his strength more and turn from my own power. As my own power I do not want to give up my ways. It is been such an integral part of life why would or should I give it up? Because it is Christ that will lead me from here and my ways should not be listened to. One day I pray that with all God has been doing and commanding of me that I will live as a child of light as told in Ephesians.
posted by Tom at 12:56 PM
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Saturday, December 10, 2005
How will I give thanks in prayer tonight? It is 3.22am and I am able to go to bed and not kill myself at work.....ahhh a friday night spent with friends, and met two nee people, watched Narnia twice, yes 2X, tonight was a Firday night spent planning, co-ordinating and for once I asked if anyone wanted to join me....I got 5 other folks to join me. I was calling everyone to get a game plan together and it worked.
A wonderful friday, eventful yes. Tomorrow I return to work. But for once I had a Friday to live like somewhere near normal...human even. Not to mention enough stuff from Narnia to ponder over...sheesh.
posted by Tom at 3:21 AM
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Thursday, December 08, 2005
(no spellchecker was used...sorry)
OK night one with the machine went ok. I woke up a few more times than normal but slept none the less. 7:30 somehting and I was ready to wake up...scary thoguht. Since I did not go to bed till after 11:30. Well then again that sounds about right. This might take some getting used to for a few nights. Especially when I am clogged up with sinuses and stuff this wonderful time of the year. Speaking of this time of the year I better switch back to the low purie diet and drink TONS more water. This is gout season for me when my sinuses dry me up and therefore make Gout more of an issue. I did check and I am only a hundred bucks away from some serious releif financially. I thoguht I was much furhter off but I am not, I am much closer. This is great news. But also news enough to start acting a better stweard and getting finances taken care of now. So I guess I need to sit down wth my money here sometime soon and get with some planning. We spend the whole of our lives watching ourselves. But when a man becomes meek he has finished with all that; he no longer worries about himself and what other people say. Martyn Lloyd Jones, Studies of the Sermon on the mount THis one stands out quite a bit after reading this chapter on meekness. I am doing an online study group or book reading. THis weeks chapter was meekness. It seemd that meeness is the opposite of pride and selfishness, meekness and humble go together yet pride and slefishness do not. As just myself, I do worry alot of what others think and say about me, even with God. THink about it we are to be broken or poor in spirit where we realize we have nothing to offer God. Yet I want to offer him something and be good so my image of who I want to be in front of God is blocking me from pure meekness. I do have some meek and humble qualities, yet there are some that I do not deny. So this is a greater challenge this meekness is. In fact I could go months talking of mekness just that one chapter, that one beatitude as it is so dep within itself. It was convicting enough that it refers me beack to the first beatitude of being poor in spirit, then mourning my sins before I can get to the meekness. Now mourning and death....the whole process of mortification is hard to truely understand, I guess especially so for christians. As just for myself to end things alot of times seems bad if we cherish or hold something dear...yet this can be bad that we hold on to things and not move onward...thinking of today rather than tomorrow....I can't recall the verse but it is in Phillipians. This too I am convicted of, trying to make things here last when it is said in scripture that it wil not.
posted by Tom at 7:51 AM
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Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Well I now have the CPAP machine. So I might get some sleep here in the next few days if this works. I am so very hopeful. I also got the tickets for Narnia and making arrangements with some friends to go see it here Firday, may be a late showing but this is all I have until now. for Free or holiday fun. I work both xmas eve and day and night shift to make matters worse.
So one possible prayer answerd is the cpap so I might finally rest. Another is I am very much more closer to paying off a bill that will save me more money a month...very good for financial releif. Then earlier deadlines have hit at work....so I am really hoping that I can get out earlier at night if even by an hour. This would be so great. If all this hits, then I will truley need to find some worthy way of giving thanks to God...as these things have been such a burden, it will not be deliverance, but it will be a releif none the less. Time for bed....I can't wait to see how I feel when I wake up.
posted by Tom at 10:42 PM
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Well yesterday was ok workwise. No confrontations about the weekend mishaps. Hada a meeting to figure out my schedule and everyone else for the rest of the year. I get to miss the SOiree for Sojourn this year becasue ofthe freakin Uk/UofL game and then I get to miss another outing with the photo club due to lack of scheduling and I need to cover that particular day. So I work Xmas eve and day but the glory of this is after I work Xmas day I am off until Jan 3rd. Ahhh a nive vacation week. I think I will try to go home and see my family. Actually spend a few days OFF.
Now today starts off with an issue of resolvement. I go in the to dr here in a lil bit to get the Cpap machine for my apnea. So tonight I can start sleeping with the machine. SO I might start getting some serious rest here soon. This machine pretty much sends me air to keep me breathing. W/o the machine my body wakes up alot through the night just to get me breathing again. This is why I am cranky and tired all the time, it's becasue Ihave no rest. Maybe here soon that may change. THen tongiht is the photo clubs lil end of the year shindig, something about prizes given away and just a night of fun. The place we are going to has a porr website of a menu, but its a novel of a menu. Only place with a longer menu than that is the Cheesecake Factory. Now as far as faith goes. I read more in the Sermon on the Mount book this time the chapter was on Meekness. It is huge. One could spend a lifetime contemplating and understanding its true nature. Very convicting chapter....so much my highlighter went into OT over almost near paragraphs. I am debating on attenting the New Attitude conference held by Joshua Harris. It is coming here in Louisville and has some good speakers. It is several days long. It could be a good booster but it isnt until May. And its like $135. It would be a good treat for myself I think. But today I hope to remain focused in on God as the last few days I have been real easily snappy to most folks. My tolerance levels are nilch. Or at least they have been.
posted by Tom at 8:39 AM
1 comments
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Well just as I feared sunday was another bad sunday. A day of recharge was not. I hate telling anyone I hate my job for they seem to offer nothing in return and I get the vibes of there goes Tom complaining again, fussin and whining. Nor do I wanna say things are find as then I would be a liar.
I try to speak of working with faith as in working for God vs working for man....I can't ever get into a conversation like that. I am left alone in thsoe thoguths. So everyone I talk to work has nothing to do with faith or our spiritual lives. So yeah I screwed up but I also took extra time and saved ourselves twice, I bet you it is forgotton in light of the mistakes. Strength means nothing if you have a weakness. Effort means nothing unless you are perfect. I hate sports as it brings out the worst in men. It is a sin to screw up anything on a sports page, but it's ok to cuss and swera GD all the time. Why is this? I feel sickness coming on. Time for the day/nyquil combos again. Tomorrow I do get to start on the machine for the sleep apnea. So hopefully things will start getting better. It's ahrd and having no one to talk to if even one that understand is that much more difficult. I no longer have an accountability partner, he stays too freakin busy. So I feel I am left to fend for myself once again and let my Thoughts run amok when I need to hear from others. My faith is hurting right now. It has been growingly difficult to really get spiritual and connected with God. I feel him there but its one way communication, I have not communicated back as often as I would like to. Well now I better get on some financial stuff here soon. I have slacked off and bad things could come of this if I don't act soon.
posted by Tom at 9:10 AM
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Sunday, December 04, 2005 When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life. (John 8:12) I do not feel or see the light. I know there is something with me but still I am alone in the darkness. My never ending quest for an end to suffering from my job, all I see is darkness everytime I try to see light. The harder I try the worse it gets. I do not feel I am following Christ. Kinda like the parent dropping thier child off at school that they hate. They know the parent loves them but the whole day is all down hill from there and the one person they would rather be with for comfort and support is leaving them. This is where I feel. Like I have been dropped off and waiting for the 3:00 bell so that I can go home and be taken from this place. But then to repeat the cycle the next day. I have asked others for advice but have received very little, I think so far I have gotten one sentence back verbally and then one paragraph back on a forum. But neither siad anything about faith with it, at least that I recall. It was more worldy advice. To be honest I am fighting back tears now as it hurts this much. To try harder just to stay awake and to only be told in sometimes the not so nicest ways I screwed up again. Effort means nothing and perfection means everything. What would Christ do in this case? I do not mean it as another WWJD but rather what would he want me to do? This is the hardest thing to determin. I am weary, fatigued, frustrated and then some. And all I see is no end. I hope to get some encouragement today. I really could use it. Things seem to be only getting worse.
posted by Tom at 1:13 PM
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Saturday, December 03, 2005
Some changes you have to fight for. Some changed I am fighting for but it is a fight. In fact I may start figting for my photography. I miss it alot. But then I have not made it as much as an idol as I once did. But it is still an outlet that lets me be free and cpature life. Even thgouth it is still temporary. Oh well.
I am thihnking about making another blog, but this time it not be public and open to only whom I give the address. It's a thought. I have been living up to higher standards, well more like expectations rather than living with less. Change happened and now the resistance is warring within me. But I feel good when it's over as I know I have one, well it was not I who won yet it was the will and power of God that did this. And I can see this inside of me, I can feel it. I now that the man I am becmong is becoming more prominate. Yet people will only see what they wish to. That's fine. Inside I know change is occuring. But there is still much more that is needing and going to be happening. I have been working on the directory for Sojourn all weekend. Yet my regular job has taken alot out of me so it looks like I will not be as near done as I had hoped to be but things will happen according to God's will. Monday I can get a fresh start on this and start making some contacts with a few folks and see what this will take to get this published by next week. So not only am I being more ressponsibile but I have been given more, and accepted, more responsabilities. This to produces change and prayers for wisdom. But then there is also accountability groups that have me getting there too. In fact here soon the new semester I may take on a new accountability partner if the one that is there now does not free up some time. He seems to busy to be personal. I have to draw a line and this plague of business by so many folks around I am about to start calling people out for getting themselves in this position of being too busy. I dunno it could be me getting frustrated, but then again I don't think that is all of it. Maybe I should pray on this some more a bit first. I wished I could find a verse in the bible about being too busy, I need that verse. I dunno. I'll leave it to prayer. I am still waiting for next week for an answer tomy prayers. A new dealine at work may allow me to get done sooner and therefore salvaging some of my sleep on the weekends. It may not be a new job, but it can really make so much a difference. I hope this will go down like this. Well time for work.
posted by Tom at 7:38 PM
1 comments
Thursday, December 01, 2005
I know that I should not use the word hate nor eharbor that in my heart. Yet this country...I wish to float away into nothingness. Such unforgivning law...those who do not forgive will not be forgiven. May your country find God and not reject him. Act not as if your country is the world.
Singapore commit's a great sin I do not like the death penalty. To me it is far from godly and the most evil act one human can bestow upon another. It was not in self defense this was leagal cold blooded murder. And this is something that.......ok I am angry and saddened how the heart of man is so corrupted and unforgiving. How can we have gotten this bad? How can God still love us when we are like this. This is not the only country like this. But my heart cries out for this injustice. I shall mark this with my won list of evil countries to do no business with nor visit or acknowledge it exists. World Aids Day Today I found this link that claimed to donate a dollar for every candle lighted up on this website. SO I went to it and lit one up. I hope they do follow through. I figured it could not hurt. Light one to unite ANd also another blogger said a few words on todays Aids theme....Mad enough to pray A WORKing blessing? Well This remains to be seen but it looks like one prayer may have been answered. But we will not see for another week where the deadlines at work have been moved earlier. So this means I might get out of work at 3-3:30am now rahter than 4-5am. Actually it may be 3am if not sooner but I am playing it safe. So I may not be able to get closer to what my body wants and get better sleep on the weekends. It may not be a new job but it may be a better shcedule. You would be amazed how much 1-2 hours off earlier at work makes ALL the difference. While it remains to be seen, I am reamining hopeful and praying. We shall find out next week. Enough for now, time to wind down I guess.
posted by Tom at 6:50 PM
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Ok I know I should not be doing this but it was too funny.
 Donald Duck Which DISNEY character are you most like? brought to you by Quizilla I hope to not be doing this alot and stick to my faith in this blog. But Donald Duck huh? I was so hoping for Goofy.
posted by Tom at 8:30 AM
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