 Tuesday, October 24, 2006
OK I was asked to wrie a prayer. I never thgouth I would...but here it is.....this was a workbook question
Dear Heavanly father. My own tounge cannot begin to praise or thank you enough for all you do, have done, or are yet to do. Let alone just once act in my life. Forgive me for not being thankful. I thirst for more and do not drink from the one and only one cup. You show me time and again you are there and have it all in hand. Your love and blessings can never be counted. You love me so much that through my darkest of sins you love me still and set forth my life to your mercy, grace, and will. WIth as much I have in my evil selfish heart, fahter, I thank you. I pray that one day I live my life in a way that thanks you always. Amen
posted by Tom at 10:54 PM
2 comments
Friday, October 20, 2006
If you do not want to see yourself, If you do not want to learn about yourself, if you do not want more convictions of who you really are and how your life is more than what you have ever imagined, if you do not want to be challenged.....
If you still want to like yourself... Then DO NOT get this book  Or the workbook. I am sorry I had to pimp this book. It has been so very convicting and yet not so condemning. I typically like myself, but I see that I am not a very likeable person. In the realm of intimacy and community...Well it has shown me where grace has been all this time. And how my comfortable life, really is not so comfortable afterall. I do challenge those who seek intimacy and relationships and community...those who seek change and a deeper level of heart to get the book and workbook. When the classes are offered again I will most likely advertise or pimp it again at church. The mirror will be given to you (those who choose) and what will you do when you see the reflection? Will you like what you see? It is one such opportunity to see your life through the lens of heaven. Those who are prideful, beware. It packs a punch. And yet does not hurt or give any new wounds. It exposes the ones we already have. It has made me want to call out for more. The best part is it does not TELL you, it asks you alot. And it comes to you for you to figure out. Everyone's path is different. This only calls you to the greater path and points to one place. A deeper an intimate relationship with God. So if you want to continue to like yourself as you are, do not get this book. Yet if you long for something deeper and greater, then get this book and workbook. Think, pray, and open your heart. That's all. The spirit does the rest.
posted by Tom at 9:38 PM
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Wednesday, October 18, 2006
I really want to cry.
In fact I should. In matters of sin, we all should when we look into a mirror. Self. Me, myself, I, moi...that's what it's all about right? One thing I have been very convicted of is me. My sense of self. To be honest it is driving me crazy. Saddens me. Self covers nearly every aspect of sin in my life and what I can assume everyone else's to one extent or another. I have nothing to offer God. I don't. I do not seek him when I should. I think of what I want to be when I grow up, what new toy do I want, eat what tastes yummy, watch or perform for entertainment...anything to serve myself and enjoy myself without the care for others. In fact, I cal myself into question. Why should anyone hire me? I dunno because I will surf alot, keep my mind occupied by other means, slack off on time, take shortcuts around things, not care if a good job was done or not and not care about the team if it conflicts with what I want to do. Wanna hire me? Then in relationships, let's start with general friendships. Would you be my neighbor? Well to quote Mr. Rogers that is, in today's terms friend. Why would you want to be friends with someone who wants you to like them and be on the same page? Who would not like you or get angry when you disagree because I am right and you should listen to me since I am your friend? Why would you want to be a friend to one who gives you the answers and does not listen? In regards to a serious relationship with a woman? Yes ladies why do you want a guy who knows what he wants and does not want to work for what you want? In asked to give, why do you want me to give graciously or for any reason? When I will spend money on what I want when I want it because everything has a reason? Yet complain that money is not being spent well in other areas? I could go on for a long time. In fact I most likely should. But I am such a sinner. It hurts me to know I am this evil. How can anyone call me a friend? Even my own leadership status in church I am wanting to call into question. I know I am a sinner and fail. Yet I see how much of this aspect of self how can I love and serve and still be called a friend, leader, or even one day a husband or yet even a brother in christ? I seek a greater level of intimacy. I seek it now greater than I ever have before and yet when I indulge selfishly it hurts after the party is over I guess you could say. Yes ther are vary valid points and concerns in wanting to better myself in seeking God, yet my prayers are so much on me. How can I...? What am I...? What would you have me do lord...? At what point do I stop thinking for myself and seek in progressing the kingdom? Be it leadership or evangelism, loving and caring for others. What do I do to others believer or non-believer alike? So far I do not do much. I take care of me so much more. Yes it is some serious internal development, but when do I express that same love, grace, and knowledge unto others? In my greatest intimate relationship I ask and take so much. But I do not give back graciously or without thought. In our hearts to give without thought should just overflow from us. Within reason of course....no wait we are not called not hold back. Even with our own life. Yet we claim it as our own and protect it above all else. I want to love in a greater sense than I have never loved or been loved before. And this I have and it grows so much deeper every day. Yet not enough for me to jump off and swim in the mud because I like it. I not only sin. Many sins we are not convicted of or do not know we win. But many I know and those are the one in which I swim. I directly sin against. I want to do what feels good to me and not give up anything for another. Not even God. Now in mirror to my relationship to god what will a marriage look like? I do not want to see it. Tears well up in me right now just thinking about it. I am not loving. I just do not want to give up so many aspects of self. I want to love yes but the cost is killing self. We are called to deny self yes very much so. How many more bricks can I add to the wall keeping me from true intimacy? This same wall is linked to so many sins. I do not want to let it go. It is all by grace. I do not deserve any of it. I know without it I am condemned. Yet as a change of heart is needed. God has started a great work in me this is true. This has been seen by many. In my heart I see that I am not willing to change in order to become.... ...healthy ...financially stable ...a godly husband ...a leader ...an employee of integrity ...an avid follower of christ (in all his ways not just the ones I pick and choose around my sins) I have my days. We all do. But we are called into something greater. And sometimes the sins scream at you after you ignore them after so long of ignoring or pretending they do not exist. Then the mountain seems so great. We then get discouraged and do not see God's grace and strength. Ok on the intimate level with the creator, or anyone. Ok how do we offer thanks to the one who sent his son to earth to die and be punished for everyone else who deserve it? We live our lives pleasing ourselves and not loving others. We cling to ourselves and not use a great example of self-less giving. Does this make us, in my case me, a pharisee or a hypocrite? Or both? To those friends I do have that God has put in my life I thank each and everyone one of them. It takes a lot to love this sinner I know. But thanking God I cannot express and yet I do not express it. In fact I still retalliate aginst him by not following his commandments. Even his two simplest and greatest commandments. Love the lord with all your heart, and love your neighbors as you love yourself. That's nice I do not love god with all my heart, I love me too. And then my neighbors I do not love like me. That takes away form me being loved. ***update*** Not able to let this subject go, I did much furhter reading and stuff. I came to a place that made this all not seem to overburdening. In foresight Iforgot to see God at work. Taking thigns one day at a time letting God work through me. Even thoguth I don't have the answers I was seeking, the answer is once again God is at work and is caling me into something greater, I only need just follow.
posted by Tom at 10:46 PM
1 comments
Monday, October 16, 2006
Ok I think the beard will stay. I am up to 8 comments on it. I will let folks get used to it and shave it all off one day...freak 'em out all over again!
Ok Marriage, I feel it differently now. One we will not be married in heavan so it is an earthly institution yet one with guiudelines from God if we do join unto anoth in marriage. It is not here as a goal, it is a gift from God. It has got to be one of the most greatest gifts of Grace from God that we can receive on this earth, next to Christ dying for us that is. It does teach us love by whole new means. Yet it is not the end, it still should reflect our love to God on an individual level and one on the couple level and should lead each other towards Chrst at all times, wellhumanly possible. We make it an idol and that is just bad. We do put alot into it. Marriage is a gift, it is not ours to claim. Yet we manage to somehow. It's like expecting figts on christman or your birthday. Why not just be there loving one another and one day when his timing is right, not ours, we may receive that gift. We do not come to him with empty hands in asking this gift so many times. It is messy, takes time and great effort. It is not something to drop in your lap. It is not something you go out and get. You must be ready for joining with another and doubling your journey towards God. And so many of us are not ready for it. By any means. If we cannot love God unselfishly how can we love another human the same way? We don't. If we expect thigns to come to us and not seek it how can we expect one who seeks the same? Once upon a time, school, job, wife, family...in that order was my goals, in fact that's the most basic american dream. My parents did not happen that way. And they were going to be a preacher and preachers wife. Something went wrong. Self was in the marriage. It was two people not two joined as one. And it crmbled. I pray that I do not repeat the same thing. I feel that God has told me to look at marriage, look at my parents. If I do not want to end up with that again to seek and follow him. My parents marriage was not what you see on tv. In fact I Want to cry when I see onscreen stuff like that. It is often shallow and selfish. Too much woman power and male chauvanism to work anything out. Marriage is not here for us to feel good or to stop feeling lonely. We put so much into this that we miss the relationship. It is there to honor God. To follow christ. From the convictions and growth of these last few months I see one major thing. Marriage will not happen becasue I am a good man, stud, lady's man or anything. It will not be granted on me becasue I deserve it or feel I should have someone to prevent the past from re-ocurring. I will not get a bride from her feeling sorry for me or wanting me to lead her every move (I would hope that is not the case for anyone). No, not a one of these wil I get a wife no matter the excuse I or anyone can ever make. I will get one by the grace of God as I do not dserve one. I am not a good man I am a sinner on a very long journey from the darkness that captured me from a young age into the light that may still yet take many years to com into and only from god. I will one day learn to love in a greater sense of the matter. And not love for a wife. Oly love towards the creator that put me here and by his grace gives me a companion to join me in the path. Much change have I gone through and will continue to go on. I, we all should rather, take solace in God and seek his love above all. I have coem to see love in a new light that I should be upset that I was given the wrong definition for so many years. it is far greater than we can ever imagine. Far greater than we can ever conjure up or create. In fact we did not create it yet we act like we did. Just look at all the dating sites and self-help books and tv shows. Man we screwed it up. How can we love in marriage? Well so far only God can provide that love and understanding. Yet it is stil not just love for a potention spose, yet only grow in the love for he who made us and the one given to us if that be thy case. There finally I got my marriage thoughts out there. It's been stewing for some time and who knows. At the current rate they might change yet again or grow deeper. I think I should write a book. Not on marriage but on work and suffering. I have comeacross alot of scripture and such, I dunno if it can be used for the work of the spirit and help reach out to others in the same boat as I? It would not be too long but it would be just long enough for a small book.
posted by Tom at 11:51 PM
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Sunday, October 15, 2006
I think this was my two year anniversary of being at Sojourn. And looking back. I dunno where to begin. But I know that there has been such a change in me. Even how I feel towards a great many things. Tonight, even while being sick, I went out with some friends and it was a lot of fun. And funny.
Now just time with them was great. Just that alone if nothing else. But there was something greater I took from tonights activities. We had a good moment or two of faith moments. And I got to hear a glimpse of how they were doing in their walks. I appreciated that. I really took that as a gift for mew to hear. This was the first I have gotten to hang out with either of them. But to hear the “back-sliding” I just heard something in their voice. It gave me something to pray for them. It was a gift to hear that. Being sick sucks. Reading the book for the How People Change class...there is plenty for me to look at. In fact, I disagree with the book slightly but all in all I agree with the point made. I might share them on here soon. There a several thoughts to it. It feels good to care for others in this way. A way I don't feel I have ever cared for them. I'm still learnin'
posted by Tom at 11:29 PM
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Thursday, October 12, 2006
Yesterday was just a very trying day. Things kept coming up changing the course of the day. I will be takign a class for work in programming. This could be a good thing. I can add something to my resume or help find another job with it. But the sad thing is the class is the same time as the "How People Change" class I just started.
But I will still work the workbook becasue it was such an eye opener. And then pick up back in January with the second half of the class. It was convicting without being condeming. It feels different than most convistions as of late. It makes me want to work on it not run from it. One question the other night was what if God were to come to each of us and show us our sins? Its like the mirror in the Never Ending Story...the mirror that whows you for who you are. Wehre teh bravest of men are the most cowardly of mice. If god were to give me that same mirror or show my sins I would run away before I ever saw the mirror. Just seeing god at work in not only my life but in several around me it just such an encouragement. And then those around me some of the sins get to me. There are two good incedents I would liekt o use but they would not be appropriate at this time. Well actually not at all in the blog world. But in seeing thier sins, it is effecting me. In the means of growing concern and pondering those sins in the eyes of God. But I saw how my sins could be, in the eyes of another. Many things in life seem to still be on hold right now. BUT I am ok with that for now. It seems that there is a different purpose for me lately. We shall see. But how people change...that is not a question or a title...its a bold statement. Oh how people change (by god, for god, from god).
posted by Tom at 9:51 AM
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Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Want to be a friend of mine? This is not a depression queestion, but a self reflection.
I am a self-righteous prick I guess one could say. Self-centered um ________ fill in the blank. By God's grace that's how. I know I do not deserve the love I have gotten from brothers and sisters in Christ as I care about myself more than they most times. Ok almost all times. But by grace, in which I do not deserve, They are in my life. As this settles in my very center of self is being torn apart. For so long this has been hiding in the corner in the dark. Pride. It's back. And it does not want to go without a fight. Even in my best of intentions. Often I see the same intentions are withouth God. Therefore self. Hence self-centered and nto christ-centerd. What I do to the least of Men I do to the most of God. Father forgive me for once again I have failed to love. (to be continued)
posted by Tom at 10:33 PM
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Monday, October 09, 2006
I have been trying to blog for several days. But everytime I sit down to do it, I get writers block.
Last night's sermon was tough. In fact after reading of the scripture half way through it I shut myself off partially. Much like I packed it to digest it later. My beard, should it stay or go? Got the workbooks for the class I am in Wednesday nights, How People change, I thoguht I would be anxious to rip into the workbook, but I am hesistant...I am fearing getting back down that close in seeking God. Much like I don't want my swins exposed, Iknow them but I don't want them higlighted. If I close my eyes long enough they go away right? There are two friends that are well lacking of jobs. How can I tell them in a way such Inot offend or come off unchristian to get off their (Rated G version) rupms and find a job, I want to throw in lazy and a few words after taht. But that would take it away from the rated G version. Snergos has the Best friggin Latte period. Hands down. Nice n froth all the way through. It stands out form all the others. In fact it's worth the drive to get a cup.
posted by Tom at 8:52 AM
1 comments
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Tonight I was asked how things are going and I really had no answer. All is well but none of it is collected. Many random thoughts.
Monday was great. I went to a new community group and I think that is where I will park it. It is a small group, for now, and I am the only single person there. Male or female I am the only one unmarried. It was a great group session. It felt very comfortable and allowed us all to open up to one another. It felt wonderful. It was not like my last group. There is still community there. But I guess now and then it come a time to journey with others along their path. In fact that is a two way path. These last two weeks have not been my weeks they have been god's. More and more. God's plan of course comes up and changes mine. God has brought me into the lives of others and others into my life. He has stopped me many occasions from things. He has intervened several times and taken over what I say. As I know that if it had been me I would have been selfish and said the wrong things. Tonight I got to go to the class I have been waiting for a while now. It was great. A great start. In my job sufferings...God has given me plenty of scripture on that to. It just kept coming to me. I thought this would be a long post. But it's not. Just simple reflections of God at work cuz I know it aint me. I wanted to call my mom today. Her number is disconnected. So once again it is in God's hands for her to get back in touch. I feel I may be much closer to trying to reconcile hat relationship much further. But back to God.
posted by Tom at 9:42 AM
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Sunday, October 01, 2006
Ok today sucked. I got my first speeding ticket. The sign dropped the speed and literally 20 feet later I was busted. The fine was a very steep $161, what a rip. Needless to say there goes my budget this month. In fact it seems that every time I make an advance something sets me back.
But that is within itself a test I think. Do I cheat my way out of things and contest it? Do I pay the fine flat out since I was speeding, even if I were in the speed zone I thought I was 20 feet before? I will watch out as that has been marked a speed trap. The sad thing is I did not see him and literally another 100 feet from the sign was a red light in which I was stopped at when the cop pulled me over. There have been so many things of heart that is killing me. I see two lands separated by a river like thick moving molasses. Very difficult to move through. There are a few islands in between but you can;t stay long as they will suck you back to the mainland. One side me and the world the other is God. I see some of the things I have been called or convicted of doing and it is just too hard. I do not want to do it. I honestly want to give up and let him work it out. Let things just work and without me. Weather I like it or not, change is here. The roommates, there is still room for healing with one of them, but I just did not know how to pray for him or what I could do for him in this journey. But tonight I heard an option that there was concern I would take it personally. But I did not. I was happy to hear the solution after hearing what it was based on. It was about him and not me, something tat could be done for him. I have apologized before, but never really have asked for forgiveness. Most take them one in the same but they are not. One is a statement and one a request. But I see God working not only in my life but the other two as well. Then comes work. This is so entirely difficult. My schedule hurts. It is physically suffering as I just cannot get a normal schedule. But it is not serious suffering like in other parts of the world. It is hard to do what is right and not what is easy or the way I want them. I feel I suffer there for no reason. Not like Christ, for when he suffered he knew why. I see no reason why I suffer where I am. But maybe it is not that I feel I suffer but the lack of how much I take to Christ or to God in these matters. Late at night I want to go to bed and sleep so I may shortcut a lot more than I could. And it hits me that the least I do to man I do more to God. This hurts. I so want to tell my employer what to do with themselves and let me feel human again, but I know this is not the spirit of Christ. That hurts so very much. There are more Christlike ways to handle it, but I do not want to. That is on the other side of the river. In fact what is on my heart is calling me to give up pretty much my entire self. Even a sense of entitlement. Wat I feel I want or need or deserve. Give it up. My wants and desires for myself. Give it up. My materialistic desires (new computer, job, etc). Give it up. My opinion to help others. Give it up. In all this I put myself higher then others. This is too hard. Many of the pleasures thoughts, desires, etc that I have for so long I feel called to give them up. What does this mean? That my faith is being tested. I do not want to trust if it means giving up everything and being naked in front of all and completely vulnerable. This is hard. Very hard. How much does one need to give up in order to advance or grow spiritually? Everything. Even if that means giving up ones life. In fact our lives are not meant to be forever and they say the good die young. Yet we take comfort and try to live as long as we can. This is admirable yes. But this also prolongs us coming to God, that is if we believe. Even while dealing with my roommates here lately, has been just very hard. Even the ticket today is hard. It is hard to admit fault when there are other faults around us. Or feel targeted or picket out etc. We want to find others to blame or take down with us. Yes that is not what Christ did. They came to him for no reason, at least no true cause other than what was God's will. Christ did not fight. He gave up his life for his enemies. We make enemies out of our brothers and sisters in Christ and out of Christ. Why can we not take responsibility no matter the cause? We may con man but how do we take it to God? Other than legalism? Even in being wronged or if we felt targeted...here is the hard part. Love is patient, love is kind, and keeps no record of wrongs (an a few more things). So we are to extend grace and forgiveness and not count it. Yet we get angry and hold things against others. The river that separates the two worlds is Love. And it is hard to make it through. IF I am wronged, I cannot hold on to that entitlement. I must give it up. Things that bring me pleasures from foods to books or Things I feel I deserve, must give it up. To love one another is so hard. To Love God as is the greatest commandment, is even harder. Even in knowing he is around working in us and others...it is hard to love him. To love others as we love ourselves, well we don;t do that right either. Not that we hate ourselves, but do we really love ourselves in the true sense as in scriptures? As Christ would? The voice calls me from the other land across the river. There are islands in the middle that are controlled by the last minute folks from my side. Taking the last steps from letting you cross over. To give you rest while they take you further back to the riverbank away from he who calls you. Even while others are wrong around us, we are not called for their wrongs or point them out. But only our own for they will not give a personal account for us, only we (individually) will. We cannot answer for them but only ourselves. This is just hard. I may be on one of the islands but I hear the voice still calling me over. Telling me to come in the water and cross over. I want to yell back at him no I can't I don't want to. I want to take a few Things with me. I don;t want to give it up. I am scared to give all that up. I Am scared to love for who will love me back. The voice tell me that “I will love you and that is sufficient. Come to me. Come home.” Forgive me lord for loving you comes at a great cost. To be continued...
posted by Tom at 11:20 PM
1 comments
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