Tom Branch - Roads of Faith

Ok today sucked. I got my first speeding ticket. The sign dropped the speed and literally 20 feet later I was busted. The fine was a very steep $161, what a rip. Needless to say there goes my budget this month. In fact it seems that every time I make an advance something sets me back.

But that is within itself a test I think. Do I cheat my way out of things and contest it? Do I pay the fine flat out since I was speeding, even if I were in the speed zone I thought I was 20 feet before? I will watch out as that has been marked a speed trap. The sad thing is I did not see him and literally another 100 feet from the sign was a red light in which I was stopped at when the cop pulled me over.

There have been so many things of heart that is killing me. I see two lands separated by a river like thick moving molasses. Very difficult to move through. There are a few islands in between but you can;t stay long as they will suck you back to the mainland. One side me and the world the other is God.

I see some of the things I have been called or convicted of doing and it is just too hard. I do not want to do it. I honestly want to give up and let him work it out. Let things just work and without me. Weather I like it or not, change is here.

The roommates, there is still room for healing with one of them, but I just did not know how to pray for him or what I could do for him in this journey. But tonight I heard an option that there was concern I would take it personally. But I did not. I was happy to hear the solution after hearing what it was based on. It was about him and not me, something tat could be done for him. I have apologized before, but never really have asked for forgiveness. Most take them one in the same but they are not. One is a statement and one a request. But I see God working not only in my life but the other two as well.

Then comes work. This is so entirely difficult. My schedule hurts. It is physically suffering as I just cannot get a normal schedule. But it is not serious suffering like in other parts of the world. It is hard to do what is right and not what is easy or the way I want them. I feel I suffer there for no reason. Not like Christ, for when he suffered he knew why. I see no reason why I suffer where I am. But maybe it is not that I feel I suffer but the lack of how much I take to Christ or to God in these matters. Late at night I want to go to bed and sleep so I may shortcut a lot more than I could. And it hits me that the least I do to man I do more to God. This hurts. I so want to tell my employer what to do with themselves and let me feel human again, but I know this is not the spirit of Christ.

That hurts so very much. There are more Christlike ways to handle it, but I do not want to. That is on the other side of the river.

In fact what is on my heart is calling me to give up pretty much my entire self. Even a sense of entitlement. Wat I feel I want or need or deserve. Give it up. My wants and desires for myself. Give it up. My materialistic desires (new computer, job, etc). Give it up. My opinion to help others. Give it up. In all this I put myself higher then others. This is too hard. Many of the pleasures thoughts, desires, etc that I have for so long I feel called to give them up.

What does this mean? That my faith is being tested. I do not want to trust if it means giving up everything and being naked in front of all and completely vulnerable. This is hard. Very hard. How much does one need to give up in order to advance or grow spiritually? Everything. Even if that means giving up ones life. In fact our lives are not meant to be forever and they say the good die young.

Yet we take comfort and try to live as long as we can. This is admirable yes. But this also prolongs us coming to God, that is if we believe.

Even while dealing with my roommates here lately, has been just very hard. Even the ticket today is hard. It is hard to admit fault when there are other faults around us. Or feel targeted or picket out etc. We want to find others to blame or take down with us. Yes that is not what Christ did. They came to him for no reason, at least no true cause other than what was God's will. Christ did not fight. He gave up his life for his enemies. We make enemies out of our brothers and sisters in Christ and out of Christ.

Why can we not take responsibility no matter the cause? We may con man but how do we take it to God? Other than legalism? Even in being wronged or if we felt targeted...here is the hard part. Love is patient, love is kind, and keeps no record of wrongs (an a few more things). So we are to extend grace and forgiveness and not count it. Yet we get angry and hold things against others.

The river that separates the two worlds is Love. And it is hard to make it through. IF I am wronged, I cannot hold on to that entitlement. I must give it up. Things that bring me pleasures from foods to books or Things I feel I deserve, must give it up. To love one another is so hard. To Love God as is the greatest commandment, is even harder.

Even in knowing he is around working in us and others...it is hard to love him. To love others as we love ourselves, well we don;t do that right either. Not that we hate ourselves, but do we really love ourselves in the true sense as in scriptures? As Christ would?

The voice calls me from the other land across the river. There are islands in the middle that are controlled by the last minute folks from my side. Taking the last steps from letting you cross over. To give you rest while they take you further back to the riverbank away from he who calls you.

Even while others are wrong around us, we are not called for their wrongs or point them out. But only our own for they will not give a personal account for us, only we (individually) will. We cannot answer for them but only ourselves.

This is just hard. I may be on one of the islands but I hear the voice still calling me over. Telling me to come in the water and cross over. I want to yell back at him no I can't I don't want to. I want to take a few Things with me. I don;t want to give it up. I am scared to give all that up. I Am scared to love for who will love me back. The voice tell me that “I will love you and that is sufficient. Come to me. Come home.”

Forgive me lord for loving you comes at a great cost.

To be continued...

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