Ahh Friday, The night shift day. Hopefully today I can...well I need to sit down and focus on what tasks I need to perfrom for the day. Yet I seem to have been so self-centered I could not maintain the focus.

SO last night before I went to bed I decded I neededd some focus on things. So I started watchign The Passion Of cChrist again. It has been since easter of lAst year that I last watched it. I guess I have come a long ways with thigns as I was looking at it breaking it down and it seemed to have more of an impact on me this time around.

I was paying attention to Peter mostly and the human side of Christ. How Peter was still a flawed man and yet became a very big player in things to come. And even at that Christ put all he had into only 12 men to go out and change the world. Yes the world was smaller then but still a large world. And yet he only sent twelve.

Even Peter who after he was told he would do it, denied Christ three times. And still was loved by him. I saw that I too am as human as he. I am a sinner as well. In my sins I see that common theme once again. Self.

No matter the excuse for them as there are no excuses. I obviously choose to let certain situations drive me certain sins. ANd these sins and my self-centered heart that does not want to give up being selfish, is keeping me from loving him, myself and others.

Right now I seem to be focusing on keeping him on aim but I'm still weaving in and out.

In life there are two different friends right now and have two different ways of helping me. Both are somewhat unerving yet I see how self is slowing down the process on them both to an extent but then the message from both of them are different. One is wanting me to do more. Which would be me joining not only he but others in one or two areas of life. It may be getting on my nerves (due to self desires) but I see that he wants me to go deeper.

The other I can see it two ways but one speaks so much louder than words. He is putting a conditional on our walk. And this sends the wrong message to me. Even in Galatians where it speaks of helping everyone especially those in christ. To me this sounds like we are not to care equally for those not in Christ.

The way I feel on things is we are to love everyone the same and in the same ways (if possible) no matter if they are in christ as they too are a part of God and therefore the greatest commandment is to love him with all our heart and then secondly to love everyone as ourselves. It doesn't say go get a god's club membership first. Now if it comes down to a war where we have to build each other up for the battle that is one thing. No then again it is not.

If we start putting conditionals on these things they loose value. But I do see one thing though, even as I try not to live in this conditional way and help everyone is that while I still live in this world (living worldly), this prevents me from helping or leading others. I counteract the holy spirit living and working in me.

Why do I forget (like so many others) that one God loves us personally or loves me rather, that it is not our acts that will save us but our faith and his saving grace?

I know that this month is going to be rough as things are changing but I may have let that become an excuse for the sins of late. It is time to focus now and not put a set date on things. A time that I need to find how to truly repent of these sins that have come back over and over or just wont go away. This is a time I need to work on my relationship with Christ and knowing him better personally.