 Friday, September 30, 2005
Well maybe I prayed poorly. IN fact I am sure I did. I so want to be delivered from this job but knwing that God has me here for a reason, not that I agree with that but it's not my place to. I should ask him to help me through this, and walk with me through these times.
Maybe I should refocus. I feel alone in the godless workplace.
posted by Tom at 3:16 PM
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The pain of waking up after 1:30 pm and going to bed after 5 am hurts. I am just in pain. Food is cookin so hopefully the pain will reside or settle down shortly after that. It hit me that there is still no word this morning from the other job. Today is job unappreciation day.
I do go into work for my yearly review and up for a raise. I do not know how much it will be if any. Even if it is good I still want to leave or get my job redesigned. No more night shifts, at all. I don't want nor can handle them. I hope the Dr says sleep apnea so I can get a dr to say no more nights. Not really. I just want a way off nights. Then I researched more jobs on the internet and see that there are some I have no qualification for whatsoever and some are positions that matter. Like the scen from Mallrats where brody's girlfriend is breaking up with him...she names off several jobs that make a difference, like cops, flight navigaotrs etc. I look at those and even the positions at some folks from church...they have important roles, they do not have a cookie-cutter job. ANd I envy them. They are happy and have fun with work.Yeah its work and gets tough but listen to them talk about thier job and me talk about mine, I am the one sounding dark, drab, and depressive. I want to accept God's will yet I want to question him and ask is this working? Is this all I have in my life as far as jobs go? What is my role? Who am I? Why am I not important? Why do I suffer in a job I loathe, it physically hurts while others are in good jobs and love it? When lord will it be my turn? Am I on the right path? These are all very unhealthy questions to be asking god. But I feel I am lost in the crowd, trapped in the glass bubble I see the outside world and others happily inside of it, yet I am inside trapped seeking a way out, and finding nothing. Now yes still no word could mean I am still in the running, and if I were to ask for word I could sign off and the denial of this job. WHo knwos maybe this job would be bad for me and God is protecting me from it. I just wished I knew so I could move on. WIshed I knew that there is another better job around the corner. ALas I do not. And it is hard to put my faith in God to find something other than job rejections. I think I am up to 20 rejections this year. And thats close to accurate. I just want to know I have a place in this world, in god's will. And class was cancelled tongiht so my weekend is shot except for sunday for a few hours...if I wake up in time.
posted by Tom at 12:54 PM
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Thursday, September 29, 2005
Still no word from the other job. But at least not knowing does mean I am still in the running. If it were no then I am sure I would have already heard word by now. Tonight at group was cool. Was a great time to hang out. Chilled out with Brandon from HOPE and a few of the ol gang. Yet I was still ofesett by knowing I was about to go into work in a little bit. Now I am here trying to get ready for what seems to be a busy night.
Now for the GOD factor...I so want to work for GOd and not man. Yet I forget and work for the other all the time. It is hard for me to be a steward and purveyopr of his word here at work. I just do not defend it even when what has been said here has enraged me. I do not defend God. A part of this is me not knowing alot or able to get anyone to understand etc so things are well...I sorta shrug them off and avoid suffering....well I suffer internally instead. I am still having difficulty letting go and waiting for God's will. Knowing that for now he has me in a situation whereas I do suffer spiritualy and physically and yet all I want to know is when will I be delivered from this? I keep on keeping on the best I can day by day, but it is tough and I do not see a way to fight through this other that getting out. Yet I know God is with me. And I do not want to loose that.
posted by Tom at 8:44 PM
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Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Today was good at least as far as eventfulness goes. I did get much done. Met the third possible roomate. Found out yet again my gommunity group forgot about me, to inform me about the meeting this week. I am bery tired of this. I know it is not intentional, but if I am to be a part of the group I want to know I am apart of the group. And not some distant hanging leaf on a tree.
But that is neither here nor there. I still need much learning patience. Still no word on the job. I did the math today and it will be tight but I can live off the photo lab job with the roomate situation. That and getting a bill caught up. But it can be done and for that I am thankful. But not knowing what is going on, well that is the hard part. WIth life in general there is so much patoience required of me that I do not seem to have. I cannot just let God work, I gotta and wanna know. Life in general I have no clue. WHo am I? Who is God calling me to be? I think I may really be at a new stage or second grade in all of this. It's time to go deeper. But not knowing what is going on or who Iam or how to help, god's will etc...I just kinda sit around until I "Get that memo" To be honest I am so very tired of the business or "busy-ness" of most folks at Sojourn. I know people have lives and things happen and life does get busy this I know. Yet it seems so busy I havn't had anyone lately to walk with...at least understand and walk with. It is starting to become a sunday thing where folks see me and then the other days of the week I am off the radar. And with my group forgetting yet again to notify me of a meeting detail this does not help at all. I very well may be at a time I need others to walk with both ways. I with them and they with me. I have tried a few times reaching out but like most things in life if I were in Australia I would be kicked out as I cannot throw a boomerang the right way, they never come back. I hope that I can focus in a few thigns at Jeff Street and continue building those relationships. No matter how "Busy" people get I keep on keeping on as best as I can...I just do not get that recharge as often as I would like. I think I might take this up with an elder I dunno, I just dont wanna get in the way of everyone's "busy-ness" I just want to know that there are others in Christ I can walk with, me with them and they with me...but the only, well the one consistant answer I get is God does not leave. I even seem to get that same thing when I try to walk with others and reach out to them...I guess only God can resolve this one for me.
posted by Tom at 8:17 PM
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Monday, September 26, 2005
What a very long few days. I wished I had more tme to sit and figure a few things out, but alas I do not. In fact tomorrow and this week seem to be as busy in other means that is. And seems now things are into a deeper level of where to next. A series of crossroads yet again.
First reflections of the road trip, at least the trip part. 11 hours each way and I made it by myself which was a very long trip and 2-3 stops each way. So all in all not bad timing. I tried to listen to audio books but it did not work. I got bored or was thinking too much that the words went in one ear and out the other. That saddens me, but what could I do...I had to make the trip and stay alert. So I did alot of thinking and still am the same as I was when I left. I do not know what to make of it except for the prayers I said while driving, and the great time I made in going nearly 700 miles into unfamiliar lands. WHile I was there the wedding was great. It was much fun. Saw several folks I know from Louisville so it made the whole thing blend in so much more. It was like being home away from home. In fact I was so out of me element it did not hit me I was not in Louisville. I was around new surroundings with a few familiar faces. That I loved. And the fact I got to see some pretty countryside where streetlights are not every five feet. And seeing the stars and almost looking up at God, was breathtaking. I want to do that again. I think the preacher didn't like me or was scared who knows. Seems to be the conservative older gentleman type I guess. But it did not stop the joking with my friend. The family was great. I could tell it was a bunch of folks to get used to but there was a great bond of family there. That was also great. I could see where some folks would run off but the bottom line important factors they were strong on. Just a wee bit too open for my tastes. I was in reserve neutral mode this weekend as much as I could be with a few slip ups. But I was not around a recharging group for my faith. In fact I missed so much this weekend from this road trip, church, company picnic, and open house for HOPE, and community group too. Oh and a class I started at Sojourn too. Geeze that is literally 4 days of events I missed becasue of it. And I missed it all really. outside of the mushy thoughts and feelings from the wedding....im loosing it and becoming a softy eekk!! But I need a recharge. I pretty much went up there on reserve mode with a semi fuill charge of faith. But it depleted while I was there. I want to focus in on a few things but it looks like I will get that if I want it or not. Accountability is getting tough, I think the issue at hand should be attacked or worked on from a deeper issue of self than as an external factor os the sin. So I will seek a third party that is a bit more wise in that particualr area and see where he thinks it should go. So working on one sin or the deeper root of the problem. I see where my accountability partner is coming from but we are both looking at the same battlefield from two differnt sides. I think he is scared mainly becasue this is new to him and he is not sure how he can help out in this area but thinks that is negating everything else. So we shall see where God leads me in battling the issues of lust or battling the issues of self-centered pride. If I spook him away then I spook him away. I am going to keep on keeping on anyways. So who knows where accountability will go from here. So from here it is meeting witht he third party and assess the issue and see where to go from there. But I have the chance of going back on my own route as far as psirtual development goes. And I am not ready to deal with that right now. Then there is the job situation. I really hate working at nights. And I seem to still not be able to get another job. I am not getting back an answer from the other job with the photolab. And I am afraid to call asking about it. I have done that before and been rejected becasue of it. I am so tired of being fed a "possible" or near positive answer to then be told "no" so many times. I have not heard the officail answer yet but I fear the well most normal answer of no. I seem to be stuck where I am at and that is very frustrating. Am I not depending on God enough? What am I missing? The place is a pit and I get sucked into it so many times and I cannot get out of it. Even for a second job to make ends meet I cannot. I hope the roomate situation works itself out becasue at this point it is all I have left of being able to cut a few corners. ANd then ther has been much on my mind in the arena of love and the like. But then I come down between the self of old vs the new self (aka the war I fight now daily) and can I love now or only after the transformation...at least a certain stage of the transformation as it may last the very last of my life. Then there is the circumstances at hand so I am trying to see if the feelings I have are genuine or are they meant to be or not. I am not sure. Has God put them there or am I making them out of my own accord or subconcious? I know I need to keep myself in check but I can;t deny there are some strong feelings there, but what I do with those feelings , well that seems to be another issue. Is it the wedding? I know some of it is becasue of that, who doesn't feel a mushy feeling or two at a wedding, but these feelings were already there and just seemed to ponder a few thoughts through this weekend. And then one song I almost cried and that was when the newlyweds were dancing with thier mothers. It was the song "mama I love you" or something like that. But I thought about my own mother and wanted to cry. I still have alot to work through on that. I guess a part of me is scared she is back and terrified of being hurt again, but another part wants to forgive her and love her. Easier said that done I know. But I gonroed the song asn hid behind my camera and I was ok eventually. So after 11 hours of thinking on sundays road trip alone.... I am still where I was, with a risk of slightly worse off with a good chance of change for the better. Job is the same as I am stuck there, dreams are a pain as so many of them fail, more sinful people are successful and I am trying as sin as I may I am lesser than they who do sin...I do not know what I can do for God. I have liked it when I have helped out and done stuff for others. I hope that I can do that over at the shelter. So what does God want of me? What is my call? My role? My purpose? I am lost and seemingly getting more lost as there are mo streetlgiths and I don't always get help when I call for it. So I shall stay upon the path and hopefully there will be enough moonlight that I can see by. So I guess it has been a slight emotional rollercoaster but more of a spiritual rollercoaster this weekend. This is what happens with only my thoguths running rampant alone in my head. Maybe I should rename this post I do not know. As that answer comes up so much lately. I guess it gets hard to see others swimming along in chrsit while I am struggling and swimming back and forth. Hurts more when I see non-christians leading happy lives and have others in their lives. Feels more and more my journey crosses now and then witht he path of others, yet no path is the same or paralells mine. I hate to be negative, but I think I am a sucessful failure or a failed sucess...the jury is still out on it. But above all I continually try developing my dependence on God and his sovereign grace. It at least helps me through it. I dont despair as I greatly did once upon a time ago. And it is another year come up here soon. It seems my year goes from October to October as that is when something new seems to start. No spell checker tonight.
posted by Tom at 7:46 PM
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Friday, September 23, 2005
Today I wanted to cry, with no city lights I saw the stars for the first time. Millions of them. I saw the nebulas ans clouds in space. It was as if I were looking for God. And for a moment I saw through much fog and saw more clearly what I was seeking. Even saw a shooting star.
Tommorrow is the day. A very long day. In fact I am close to going to bed. I can;t wait to be back hom in Louisville. I miss it. Then again I am so out of my element that this laptop and my camera are about all I have with me from home. Now it may not be until Monday before I find out about the job or not. It;s still up in the air but I think I am not the first pick, maybe the second draft pick maybe, and with only one position, who knows. He is waiting for word from one of those he interviewed. So who knows. Just seeing how stressful family is and my friend is marrying into a wonderful family. They are very nice. Maybe confrontational, but good folks. Here are the state tags I have seen this far over the last 48 hours Kentucky Indiana Ohio Pensylvania New York Tennessee Louisiana FLorida I will miss sojourn this week, it saddens me. I am out of my element as in well Sojourn. The faith system and lifestyles are very different out here. More to come. But I want to run into gods arms and roll myself all over the waters and clean up, or make a mess :) God is with me, this I know. So now in a foriegn land (at least to me) I want to return to native land back to God.
posted by Tom at 10:04 PM
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Thursday, September 22, 2005
OK today was long about 11 hours on the road so needless to say I am beat. In fact it's bed time. It looks like this will be a very eventful journey, as it is thus far.
But it is good to see my friend again. And then another friend will be closer to Louisville and I may or nay not get to miss out on that. Tomorrow I really need to get in touch with the photo lab position. As long as I am in a part of town that has cell service. It sucks out here with Sprint network. Blah time for bed. It will hit me when I wake up where I am so far away from efverything I know and thinking of getting back and thinkikng of others I care about.
posted by Tom at 11:18 PM
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Monday, September 19, 2005
I am really starting to love coming down to Jeff St every week. Even though at times it can be very challenging. And challenges have been on my mind a lot lately. I see that we fail our own words and intentions so many times, and therefore failing God when we do so. For me most of it is at work, lust, and finances.
Work: One thing that I have been pondering is getting two jobs and working 6 days a week. Going back to a biblical work ethic. One day of rest, Sabbath, and then 6 of working. And I may have to do that here soon but I think it can be worked out. Now at work though even though it is late at night, I am very tired, and even after my brain lacks the capacity of rational or even correct thought I start taking shortcuts. I get the job done but just enough. Very much like the movie Office Space: Peter Gibbons: You see Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care. Bob Porter: Don't... don't care? Peter Gibbons: It's a problem of motivation, all right? Now if I work my ass off and Initech ships a few extra units, I don't see another dime, so where's the motivation? And here's another thing, I have eight different bosses right now. Bob Porter: Eight? Peter Gibbons: Eight, Bob. So that means when I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. That's my only real motivation is not to be hassled, that, and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired. (quotes from IMDB.com) Now this is a very funny scene and being a victim....yes VICTIM of working in tech support and office spaces like that this is not a biblical approach, and yet those statements are do very very very, can I say very times infinity plus 1, true. Yet not biblical, not a way to work in the eyes of God. And I am starting to feel this way slightly at work now. That and it is such an un-godly place, as in God cannot be mentioned unless you are strong in words and debating, that I cannot even talk faith. I am very weak in this department. Now here is the kicker to add to the degree of, difficulty. This stems from a conversation about me not wanting to flip burgers with punk kids/teens at McDonald's etc. This may be the only place that they get to see anyone of faith, this may be the only time they can see and interact with others, may be the only glimpse they get to see of God. And never knowing what and how we may affect another's life as we very well could be the factor leading them to Christ, even in secret. Yet we do not see this upfront and get discouraged. God puts us in these situations to see how we would be, interact, live, breathe, eat sleep, everything.....in these hardships in the world of man are we Godly? This is where I am convicted. I want out of this situation so that I personally can get somewhere I can be better off and build in my relationship, I want to be saved from this issue, I want to be delivered out rather than surviving and making it through. I want to give up....this is not godly. Are we working as if we worked for god or are we working for man where exceptions can be made, promises broken, and ethics compromised? I work for man, sadly. Sex: Now here we go more Christian sex talk. It seems to be a topic surfacing in so many places. I know in my own life through god's grace and strength I now seem to be down only to making it an issue every 3 or 4 days, after well bodily chemicals build up. And I do not know how to get around that. It's like having to go pee really bad. And when it's over you are ok....well then again no its not. If I hold out too long and really try to abstain, I become a whore when I do slip....I mean I am worse than normal. That's the physical side of it is how can Christians get past this physical threshold? Now the life aspect of this is that is it a matter of holding off until marriage? Well I know the bible says if you can't control it it's better to marry in that case....(depending on the translation). This may be my case but I do not want it to be so. I grow tired of seeing sex everywhere and then my mind looking at women walking by etc. Even though 99% of the time it's not lustful, its more to look and then I'm looking away. Much like looking at art. Personally I do try looking them in the eyes and see the expressions on their faces. Some seem so fake and this of course helps me turn the other way so fast that they are just a body and that's how they present themselves. This is very ungodly I know. Now the other thing was when I was looking at some well stuff the other day, looking at a photo of a women in a well the pose was not artistic let's put it that way. And the thought that popped into my head was, doe she know Christ? If she does why has she abandoned him? Does she not know Christ? Then why has no one told her? Why is it looking at porn do these thoughts come to mind...I love it when God works like this. Let's me know he is still there. And then it hits me later that I was not viewing her as a sister, in Christ or not, I looked at her in a not so very good way. And I hate that. I am really trying to remove the bondage of lust/sex/porn, at least harness the power of sex with the desires and word of God. Sex is a good thing do not get me wrong. But it's also a bad thing if it goes too far. I am making progress, this I see, yet its still the thresh hold that these other things come up. I am meeting other women that are strong in Christ and this is helping me a lot. And watching others that are in Christ is as well. I grew up without a mother. So I really had no role model of women or how to interact with them outside of my grandmother. And then all I had was porn on the side so that is all I came to know of women. As no other girl while I was growing up and even into college, would have much to do with me. I am not saying this for a pity party but to show that I had nothing to look at in order to seek a healthy relationship with a female. But as much everything I am seeing in my walk is yes that may be a root issue but that is not where it stems from. The issues is that I am not trusting enough in God to let things be. The body will eject those chemicals when they build up too much by itself. Yet in stead of letting nature and god take its course, I do it myself. Why can we not seek god and trust him to let his sovereign judgment take place to determine if and when we have a mate? Personally I spend so much time in wanting a girlfriend and even a wife one day that I forget to seek god. The other night when I served at the leaders meeting is that the point was brought up for prayer about sexual purity for the congregation. I know I need to add my name to that list (so-to-speak) but its a large battle. It seems to be all over and is a sin in secret. No one talks of it much. But if it was brought up, I know there are some of us that do need it, and some hide it well. How big of an issue is this? Yet we, knowing myself especially, try to look towards pleasures here and now. And forget about the ones then. It is said that if we take our treasures now, we will not have them there. If we do without them now, we will have them then. So take care of ourselves, feel good, have some sex, and this says what to god....no thanks God I will do it myself. I will take care of this thanks. So lust is a packaged deal with pride. This too I am guilty. But looking as to where things are going...well this is getting scary as I feel that things are about to get rocky, difficult, and dark again. But if I keep to things no matter how dark there is always light to get me through it all. I know god I around and in my life, I just wished I could acknowlege that fact more. But I know he is htere. No matter who else understands me, who I am, or what I am going through, all is well as God does.
posted by Tom at 1:14 PM
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Sunday, September 18, 2005
Well this week is yet to be over as I have to work night shift for two more nights. I hate night shifts. But there is much on the horizon and I just want to know that I am with god and he with me during this well eventful upcoming week.
The biggest word I wait for is job. I have a job opportunity that I am awaiting call from on to see if I get it or not. It looks good so far and it will be very beneficial to my desired career of photography. It will be working at a photolab. With some possible photography experience as well. Now the job does not pay well enough for me at this time yet the other side is possible roomates coming soon. Then I can afford it. I am worn out from my current job. Don't get me wrong it's not to bad but its draining working nightshift and day shifts all jumbled up. My body does not like it and sleep apnea, high blood pressure may be some signs that I need to stop this very soon. So my health could be at risk now. So if I were to take this possible new job, I would have stable hours.....finally after so long!!! Then thursday I will finally be going to Ithaca New York for a friends wedding I will be photographing. This will and is a financial burden but I think I was given an idea that can work itself out. It will be a long trip though, very long 10-13 hours each way. SO it will be a lonley trip. This is the factor of not only wanting but needing God with me then. I think I will be the only one near faith as I am. I could be wrong, but even my friend seems to be a bit off centered so my guard is kinda up over that. Then again I guess getting married does that to a guy. So we shall see after it's all said and done. Then my younger brother and his wife are going to have a child and my dad is getting re-married here sometime soon. So while life moves on for them, mine moves on in other directions. I am trying to not sit here and get depressed yet I want to remain happy for them. I know God has his own plans for me. I just do not know what. I wished I knew what gifts I had that could be of better use to God....yet I may already have been doing some and never knew it. It's all in God's plan. For me I know that I need his help and grace, wisdom, and guidance for: Financial stability Sexual purity Integrity Spiritual discipline and discipleship Destroying my pride and selfishness Even last night at work I wanted to give up and let a few errors get through or not check all my links like I should have. Now this is typicially a minute detail yet not in his eyes. If I am lessening my duties with man what makes me think I will not do the same with God? I wanted to go home at 5:00 am, I WANTed...so then when God says get up I want you to...what will I do, say God its 5am I am going to bed? Ill get to it when I want to? As much as I hate to admit it but our work ethic refelcts how we are with God. I try and forget rather quickly to work as if I were working for God. Once again a very deep convicting thoguth to ponder on. Work for God. Yeah If I were God I guess I would fire myself. Oh great I gotta dress up in wierd colors for church tonight.....yuck!!!! hahah Its voluntarily participate yet I do not want to be the outcast, um wait a minute!! But looking at where I am at and where things are going I see that God is working something in my life. I am wanting him for one. A very deeper level of wanting him and yet not wanting him enough. But seeing that in these events I know his hands are in them each and every one even when I do not see it. THis has been a very fast moving month. Changes are in the air and I pray in my heart for the better. I do need him with me for these two very long drives I have coming up this week. I hate it that I will miss sojourn next week. I really do not want to miss it. want.god
posted by Tom at 1:18 PM
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Friday, September 16, 2005
Today, well it ws a great day. Until I get into work and it seems things took over me again. My day started at 8am and was busy nearly all day. The Dr thinks it could have been heartburn but still wants me to get an EKG and sleep disorder looked into. I may have sleep apnea which would explain the high blood pressure and being tired all day long. And from what I hear I will need to stop working at night so I will need a new job. Yeah I have a medical condition that can tell me no more putting my body through hell staying away alot more when my body says no.
I am still worried over the trip coming up, I don't know how I can afford it as with gas prices and a long 10 hour trip solo, well it's gonna suck. So tonight I am listening to some sermons, and it feels good.
posted by Tom at 9:56 PM
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Thursday, September 15, 2005
Tonight was a wonderful night. I served the food tonight at the Sojourn leadership meeting....it was a lot of fun, it was great. In fact I would not mind doing so again.
But it wasn't all peaches n fun. There were some serious thought. First off was me being real. When I was asked how I was, I did not say I'm doing great, I told them I'm not doing so well. I have been going through chest pains for the last day and a half. Except while I was serving I did not feel them and forgot about them for the most part. That was the best part of it. I cared for others any my pain went away. Tomorrow will be a long day. But at least a few people know that I wasn't doing ok. I will see a Dr tomorrow at noon. But being that honest, felt great. Had a talk with a girl from my old community group, well she is in the other part of our big group. And talked about the housing/rent possibility coming up, and the job interview and the pain I was going through. I feel better talking about it and letting others who care know about it. So I did not care to let them think I was just ok. That was one of the great points of the day but the message for the leaders there, well during one of the prayer sessions it hit me that we are rocks or sponge. Christ was a rock, a firm solid rock. He is the great example. You cannot change him. He was built tough. Yet as we are, at least knowing myself, are sponges. We have no form, so absorb water and we must be drained or wringed out (i think wringed is a word) and are soft, far from firm. Even when dry we are tough but it is an artificial tough. This week will be a tough week ahead of me. Work, interview, doctor visit and an trip to New York state for a wedding and drive back. Its going to be a long day or two. I pray to take enough sermons with me and God in the passengers seat....No I wan God to drive and me passenger. It's safe that way. But tonight I am here feeling better. My heart may physically hurt, yet spiritually it wants to smile and feels good. I am scared what the Dr may say tomorrow. I was lucky and after 2 hours of searching I found a dr that would see me. My heart cries for God and the man he is wanting me to become...yet I settle for the man I am. And I need to take care of the body I was given and not just my spiritual side of things. I have a feeling that I may really need to call upon help from others here very soon. Now for physical help as well as spiritual help. Have I hidden in pride for so long that I believed that I would not get physically ill? Thought I am a chosen one so I will be protected from things like heart issues or high blood pressure? I am such a sponge. What are you a sponge or a rock?
posted by Tom at 9:57 PM
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Well my chest has been hurting me. It took two hours before I could schedule a dr appointment. But it's for tomorrow. From what I see the feelings I have this might me angina or something. WHich means close to bad things.
Im scared somewhat....I just want a dr to test me so I know for sure. So who knows, until then it's another day of feeling wierd....my chin under my jaw is hurting too, the chest feels like a folding, pinching feeling. I don't know
posted by Tom at 11:39 AM
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Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Yeah I suck, I am a failure I walk away instead of towards Christ. I feel as if at times Satan has helped build a vortex in my apartment in which sucks me into a world of my own. Into a world where I love myself too much where I car about me more than anyone else.
Yet I still want to run back to God. Just not enough. There are black holes that I get lost in. And then I suck. Sitting here now typing this I feel that black hole, emtpy, godless hole... ...SO I will walk away from this now and try again tomorrow, hopefully the hole will close by then and I can be good again. God does not deserve this, me treating him like this. I suck at my faith at times, what more can I say. I wished it would all go away, I want to "become" rather than "be"
posted by Tom at 12:05 AM
2 comments
Monday, September 12, 2005
Like writing and here it is.
How Long - The Tom Version How long og lord will I forget thee? How long will I turn from your face And loose my own? Mirrors you give Yet I still walk away My own face Where is it? Why do I not find it when I seek? Yet my face you have In the highest of security Oh Lord forgive me I may be the best of sinners I do it so well So often And my face stays hidden from me yet your grace do I see a reflection Forgive me, I do not deserve it For my life you created And it is not myu face it is yours I pray to seek you further So that I may see you Make me into the man you want Once I see you will I then know it is your face I seek not mine Amen
posted by Tom at 10:28 PM
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Saturday, September 10, 2005
Ok yet again I wake up to a dream thinking. Another dream where I woke up and all I wanted to do was go back into it. Alas it did not happen. I am happy that tonight I get to leave work early, I do not have to do the sports section, so that means I could potentially leave around 2am ish. Which always starts off a great weekend.
Selfishly I did buy two more parts I needed for a project to bring an old imac back to life. Its a 97 model but it can serve a porpose. I might either sell it or give it away. At this point who knows either are great options. It seems after leaving group on Thursday feeling god, I have taken a two day sliding into a hole. Not a bad one like in a funk, just not as active in a few things. I have been taking care of other business. Yet after last ngiht's dream...it has me wondering. Pretty much I was being confronted yet being talked to about my sins and this was from a person whom I thought has very little to do with me, in fact I only get to say hi when passing. But the bible was involved and we started talking about things. So that was good. The thing about it this person knew things about me that I do not recall posting anywhere, or if I did they were on here. SO someone has been paying attention or lurking in the background reading alot. I guess it's another lesson where as I needed to understand just becasue something is not happening it does not mean that it isn't. There is more for me to learn from this I know. But for now it is time to wake up and go to the Men's shelter. And put the smack down on som folks for surfing porn while I have been away!!!
posted by Tom at 11:03 AM
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Thursday, September 08, 2005
Last night things did not stop after I posted. I went to prayer and some reading. I think I may be camping out in Mark chapter 10 for a while. After the story of the Rich Man, a few verses down there is some notes on Jesus speaking of serving. SO that was some more convictions to add to the list. But I read some hymns from Horatius Bonar that I can break down, only one block at a time. It's very deep stuff. Very deep and see how it reflects my own life.
This really hits me, but there is another that hit me as well. But more on that one later. Also in reading Ephesians last night I came back to a verse that sticks out as for the workplace: Slaves, obey your earthly masters with deep respect and fear. Serve them sincerely as you would serve Christ. Work hard, but not just to please your masters when they are watching. As slaves of Christ, do the will of God with all your heart. Work with enthusiasm, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. Remember that the Lord will reward each one of us for the good we do, whether we are slaves or free. (Eph5:5-8 NLT) This can apply to the workplace. Which in corporate America is out masters in a more modern time. Appling this is going to be hard. So I have been convicted in my hear of my work ethic, my selfishness, pride, to serve, to flow God, to let go of my wants and desires. Even today I hear about the volunteers and I get angry as I cannot, well refuse to help now as all I can do....well I know this is not an excuse or reason. It may be why I don't want to help ( or do in able to help) and I should just let it go. And this grows unacceptable to me. The desire to help and be a part of people's lives intensifies and yet I can only be there a voice on the phone....when Armageddon comes there will be no phones, what will I do then? I am angry, I am sadd, my heart grows heavy with much, my desire for God's grace, wisdom, guidance, and mercy grows...yet I feel am just a spectator and that's all I seem to be able to do. Has God give me the heart of a servant? Maybe, that would explain the extra difficulty of letting go of anything for myself. Well tonight I have community group, maybe there will be some enlightening words shared tonight. I just want to read some more, alas it's time to serve the master for that paycheck, err scraps to them it seems.
posted by Tom at 8:00 AM
2 comments
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Um yeah I think so. I am starting to anyways. Do I hate myself no. Do I hate my SELF, yeah it's starting to get on my nerves. Anyone get what I am saying? myself and my SELF are not the same.
The tug of war continues where as I give in to old, refuse to give into new, am holding on to who knows what. I am a weak and unworthy christian. I still want my SELF to be pleased, to do things that I want to. What happened to me wanting what God wants? Why do I let my own excuses rule over my choices and things I do. Case in point is that right now it seems that the only way that I can help is working at a call center for the Red Cross, and I worked call centers for 5 years, and I just don't want to help this way. I want to have a more hands on personal way of serving. Why must I allow my own feelings stop me from doing what very well could be God's work? Selfish pride? Yeah I am better than that. I want to help my way. So I guess I do not completely understand what it means to serve. I know I want to serve and I continue onward serving more when I can. Yet some times I still do it for my own glory. Or is it God's glory and then my own frustrations are clouding this. Am I a victim of the hurricane? Maybe. I am thinking things over and over. And the beatitudes seemed to take place in this event. Seeing all the suffering I see what I have and complain. I have so much good or bad, but I have so much and how thankful am I? what does it mean to give up possessions...it means to not take rewards here on this side of the clouds, yet give them away and then we shall receive on the other side. Oh how long Lord will I forget you? The burden on my heart grows to help and serve and bring forth something in others. Yet my burden to draw closer towards God and further away from my old, does not grow. It does slightly, yet I run back to the old, back to my SELF. The one person I care about, and not wanting to suffer. Christ suffered. Yet I cannot, well I do not. I do not want. And this may be yet another point where I fail. I am so sorry for letting God down, for letting myself down, for wanting to do good. I want to do good soooo much that I do not want to do God. I lack intimacy. As intimacy also means submissions. And means to loose my SELF, die to my SELF. Submit to outside my own will. This is why I cannot have an intimate relationship here on earth. I want to be the perfect husband and hero so much that I do not let go of SELF. And there are so many things that need to be let go of. There are so many out there with so little in the world, missionaries with barely any food and only a bible if even at that at times, and I sit here in comfy stuff that I complain. Why in the hell can I not let go? I think Hell would be an appropriate term in this case. As this is where I will end up if I do not learn to let go. I hate my SELF, yet not enough. I am not the hero. God is. Yet I am impatient and prideful I want it all. More thoughts to come...
posted by Tom at 8:16 PM
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As I sit here mor productive than what I know I will be at work I have received much info about the volunteer info. The sad news is that the only thing open right now is call center work, and that is like kryptonite to superman. I am so burned out and that is the only way I can help? I did call center work for 5 years, and well let's say I got burned real nice from it. I don't think I can ever be of any help on the phone like that ever again. Might as well to tell me to work in a part of town I am the only white guy there in a racist neaghborhood. I'll feel just as good.
But more stuff might come open but I would need to keep on the lookout. The sad thing is if I don't know soon, I cannot use my time off for it, and if I schedule it, when I get the call I could be out of luck to help. I just want to help but I want the chance to be there hands on, not hiding behind a phone, yet I know that they really need that help and it isnt tech support. But the hidng behind a phone...it has hurt for so many years. For me call center = suffering, great immense suffering. Yet I know that Christ did far more than I...so should I take his example and follow? Suck it up as was said in sermon a while back? Maybe. Yet why is it I went from wanting to do anything to help to slightly angry?
posted by Tom at 9:03 AM
1 comments
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
There have been times where I feel like going to help and make a difference somewhere. Now I have that feeling again. I have never been able to do much about it so I hope to get something in the works soon. Yet my biggest fear and concern is am I doing this for myself or for God? Even thought in both I still want to help.
There are two chances for volunteers to help Katrina aftermath. One is locally. I applied for that one today. The other one I am getting information together to see if I will be able to take off for two weeks in order to head down and start helping. But it wont be until the end of the month. It would be great to get away for two weeks and knowing that I am helping when and where it matters I do not seem to be as upset that I would give up nearly all my vacation time at once. But I want to help. I wished I could get the "hero" thoughts out of my head so that I can more freely serve. Yet this is the hard part of doing so. Is knowing the line between the two. I know that this can be a first step into caring for others and a step away from self. Which would be a great step at this point, yet is that still a selfish desire? What and how has God called me to serve? I will pray on it some more, yet I know it is really all in his hands.
posted by Tom at 9:24 PM
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There ndoes not seem to be a whole lot going on. I did survive the holidays staying in town. Got some shooting done so that was cool. Church had a picnic and that was fun too. In fact there is where I got the news I was waiting for. Now it is in God's hands if it will happen or not. I found there is a group that is going to help with disaster releif and I really would like to go. Now I am questioning my motives if they are cross centered or self centered. But I still have the desire to help. Now if I can get the time off from work is the question.
THings are changing and I see the other gears happening in other aspects in life. And most of it was not my own doing. So this is good to see how they worked out. I guess that makes no sense but then again neither are my thoughts, I need to get cleaned and organized again at home and get back on top of order, same with my faith, it's been slipping slightly.
posted by Tom at 7:45 AM
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Thursday, September 01, 2005
You know the best thing I love about the almighty, his loving reminders that he has not forgotten about us. His way of letting us know he is already thinking of us and has his way of providing for us. Today was such a day. Well there were enough downs but it all wrapped up nicely in the end.
Right now sitting once again with no air conditioner and the night air flowing in from my fan hearing the crickets and feeling great. I love this time of year for that right there. Just nice and cool. Yet I am braggin almost when there is an area of this country in much worse case than I am. This has hurt me watching what is going on down therre. I want to cry and I want to hurt those wronging others, raping, murdering, and shooting those that are helping. I want to cry out to God with my loudest voice!!!! I wished I could clal upon his thunder and strike them down. Alas I cannot. Yet my anger grows equal to my sadness for those down there. The sad thing is, if this is a teaser trailer for the end of times....I am scared. Very frightened. This is man. This is who man is. Even in the darkest of times, sin still runs amok and battles against God's glory and grace and well God. I did not see anarchy like this. And now I really know what it is. 9/11 we were united...now something like this and we are scattered. Why? I know that my anger cannot match God's anger on this. If this all that man was back in the day of Noah....no wonder he decided to wipe us all out. This is here on our home soil. The sin of man knows no country or boundries other than himself....or herself whichever. Right now I can only pray and hope that God's will is being done and there are people clinging and folowing God no matter what. I hope that his word is being spread and carried out. I hope that people find Christ during the ends of thier lives. This is a bad time, yet also a great time for God's children to work, and time for God to be found. This is the best of times, this is the worst of times. Now my day was fairly depressed, well deep hearted sadness and anger for the region. ANd depressed that I may not be able to go home for my reunion. The only time of the year that I can get to see my family, I now may not be able to. And this saddens me. Feeling down anytime that I get to be alone during family times tongiht at group I saw I was not alone. I had one offer for a 20 to get me there. Things are tight enough that 20 would not do the trick. Things can be pulled off but it's gonna be a trick to do so. ANd when I got home there was a pacakge for me from my dad's girlfriend it was some coffee for the coffee machine they bought me last time I was down there and a check for $40. Which was great. It is for some pictures I need to print off and mail to them. It will not take me that much, and will still give me a few bucks left over. ALso I was told of a job opportunity for part time that I could try for, and even a frined feeling out a few things for taking on a roomate possibly. Even at that the apartment complex he lives in would be $100 less a month for me to live there. SO even if anything else that would be a good chunk of change right off bat. So there is an opportunity to save some money. The roomate thing would work if we can get three of us in on it, that would make it cheap, but if we get all three of us Christians, that can add a new level of accountability. I havelived with non-christian friends before and it seemed to be a friction between us. Not from the religion, well somewhat, but there was a wall around us and made things a wee bit more difficult. At least with christians we can be accountable and able to be form but loving, rahter than my way or else attitude. At least that is what I am hoping. But that would definatly help me get a few things in order and think of others more than myself. So tonight God let me know there is a way if I choose wisdom, there are others that are thinking and praying for me, and that things may change, there islight coming at the end of the tunnel so to speak. (below...this is what it feels like) MEMO TO: Tom FROM: GOD Hey Tom just to let you know I have not forgotten about you. I am working on a few things for you about the concerns you have told me for some time now. Take heart knowing that things are working out but I need you to follow and have patience. You have taken some steps towards me, and even a few back, yet I wanted to take this time to tell you that your words have not gone unheard. Please keep them coming. I love hearing from you. Sincerely, GOD
posted by Tom at 10:27 PM
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