Last night things did not stop after I posted. I went to prayer and some reading. I think I may be camping out in Mark chapter 10 for a while. After the story of the Rich Man, a few verses down there is some notes on Jesus speaking of serving. SO that was some more convictions to add to the list. But I read some hymns from Horatius Bonar that I can break down, only one block at a time. It's very deep stuff. Very deep and see how it reflects my own life.

THY WAY, NOT MINE, O LORD
Thy way, not mine, O Lord,
However dark it be;
Lead me by Thine own hand,
Choose out the path for me.

Smooth let it be or rough,
It will be still the best;
Winding or straight, it leads
Right onward to Thy rest.

I dare not choose my lot;
I would not, if I might;
Choose Thou for me, my God,
So I shall walk aright.

Take Thou my cup, and it
With joy or sorrow fill,
As best to Thee may seem;
Choose Thou my good and ill.

Choose Thou for me my friends,
My sickness or my health;
Choose Thou my cares for me
My poverty or wealth.

The kingdom that I seek
Is Thine: so let the way
That leads to it be Thine,
Else I must surely stray.

Not mine, not mine the choice
In things or great or small;
Be Thou my Guide, my Strength
My Wisdom, and my All.

This really hits me, but there is another that hit me as well. But more on that one later. Also in reading Ephesians last night I came back to a verse that sticks out as for the workplace:

Slaves, obey your earthly masters with deep respect and fear. Serve them sincerely as you would serve Christ. Work hard, but not just to please your masters when they are watching. As slaves of Christ, do the will of God with all your heart. Work with enthusiasm, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. Remember that the Lord will reward each one of us for the good we do, whether we are slaves or free. (Eph5:5-8 NLT)

This can apply to the workplace. Which in corporate America is out masters in a more modern time. Appling this is going to be hard.

So I have been convicted in my hear of my work ethic, my selfishness, pride, to serve, to flow God, to let go of my wants and desires.

Even today I hear about the volunteers and I get angry as I cannot, well refuse to help now as all I can do....well I know this is not an excuse or reason. It may be why I don't want to help ( or do in able to help) and I should just let it go. And this grows unacceptable to me. The desire to help and be a part of people's lives intensifies and yet I can only be there a voice on the phone....when Armageddon comes there will be no phones, what will I do then?

I am angry, I am sadd, my heart grows heavy with much, my desire for God's grace, wisdom, guidance, and mercy grows...yet I feel am just a spectator and that's all I seem to be able to do. Has God give me the heart of a servant? Maybe, that would explain the extra difficulty of letting go of anything for myself.

Well tonight I have community group, maybe there will be some enlightening words shared tonight. I just want to read some more, alas it's time to serve the master for that paycheck, err scraps to them it seems.