Twice during my teenage years I was sent to the hospital, 28 day programs, for anger management and depression. Thirteen years later I see that anger is still lurking around. Weather it be frustrations, or even from guilt of past sins, it still lurks. A box has been opened that I thought was closed pushed back in the corner collecting dust.

I finished one another book tonight. It was a very good book and I hope to go back over a few chapters of it as it really stood out. Is it happy news? Not by societies standards no but it's something to ponder over that may be of God.

It seems there are some truths that no matter how dark still need to be accepted.

Marriage:
I was reading in another blog today about marriage. Getting what we deserve - by Lorie king and even some from Grace - By Bobby Gilles and seeing that even relationships and being with I guess godly people (I may be wrong on this part) is not something we deserve. I know I do not deserve marriage. I have always wanted to but with pride, anger, lust, and just some more maturing spiritually that I need to do, I know I would make a bad husband and hopefully father. Same with God, I do not deserve, but it is Grace that applies here as well as a spiritual life. I never thought of it like that before.

Grace:
Settling for less I at times jump with joy about grace and leave it at that. Which is wrong and makes me more undeserving. Tonight I read:

Unfortunately, there are many who do not want to be saved from their sins; they only want to be saved from hell

And this messes with me. Do I believe this, maybe not, yet I do feel this is how I am acting and living at times. William Barclay said:

Grace is not only a gift; it is a grave responsibility. A man cannot go on living the life he lived before he met Jesus Christ. He must be clothed in a new purity and a new holiness and a new goodness. The door is open, but the door is not open to the sinner to come and remain a sinner, but for the sinner to come and become a saint.

Once again some very convicting stuff. Grace does give us much and ask us much. Just as the Righteousness of Christ does. Yet I tend to follow this back to pride blocking me from this.

Pride/Not letting go:
I do tend to hold onto a lot of things and have so many traps set for myself I fall into a lot. Like anger and pride. Most of my sins and self-centered ness comes back to pride. But not letting go seems to be a big issue for me as well.

"You know the commandments, 'DO NOT MURDER, DO NOT COMMIT ADULTERY, DO NOT STEAL, DO NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS, Do not defraud, HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER.'"

And he said to Him, "Teacher, I have kept all these things from my youth up."

Looking at him, Jesus felt a love for him and said to him, "One thing you lack: go and sell all you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me."

But at these words he was saddened, and he went away grieving, for he was one who owned much property.

And Jesus, looking around, said to His disciples, "How hard it will be for those who are wealthy to enter the kingdom of God!" (Mark 10:19-23 NASB)

I to have much into things, whether in property or behaviors, thoughts, feelings, etc they have become idols I guess. I don't think they are idols I worship but they have become things I do not want to give up or find rather very difficult to give up for Christ. In my heart I try to hold on to them and rationalize the need for them etc. Not letting go for him. It is like falling face down and laying it all before the cross, I can't. I fall down yes but there is still a knee up. And that seems to be pride.

I am going back and facing much that still seem to be a part of me. i am glad to know that they are coming out into the light now. They are the hidden blocks keeping me from a closer relationship with god, and they are weighing me down further into sin and slavery.

I have been asking where is my heart for quite some time now. And it's starting to become obvious. I seemingly are getting torn between two things the process of sanctification and evangelism. I am going through this process by the grace of God and facing may things going through a change. And while I am getting help and working through this life changing season, I am also wanting to go deeper into the lives of others for Christ. I do not now how Christ-like I seem to others but I do want to get into maybe prison ministries of some type, helping runaways and even at the shelter, Jeff Street, I am wanting to get things in deeper. Start doing for God rather than feeding the hunger I have to help others. And this is where I am torn.

And why worry about a speck in your friend's eye[a] when you have a log in your own? (Matthew 7:3 NLT)

Can I truly be there for others while I am still going through these changes and sinning the same sins? It makes me feel I am a hypocrite if I do while I am not perfect and going through issues myself. It's just shallow and empty and I do not want to appear either.

The road is going to get bumpier and this is a good thing. It needs to be. I will be facing many truths no matter how dark, I will be facing many things from my past and more. From my favorite movie "The Never Ending Story" there was a second Oracle, the Southern Oracle where it was a mirror and you saw who you really were inside, as many courageous found they were cowards, heroes found they were villains etc. Who will I see on the other side of the mirror?

My prayers have been off and on over these last few days. But taking the time at night with this wonderful weather, it has gotten me thinking again. One day I hope that I can lay it all at the cross and let go of all this baggage. Just to one day give it all up without holding on to it. My heart calls out, and my mind plugs my ears so that I not hear it always. Actually it does a real poor job of plugging my ears so I still hear some of it, muffled but I make out most of it.