 Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Well for the most part today becomes tomorrow being the last day to mark a long year. A wee over a year ago I started going to Sojourn. But before that I was in a series of change. I was in a rommate situation I was starting to hate and my life had a direction yet a failing direction. SO I started going to Sojourn and then moved shortly thereafter.
A year of living on my own and I guess just giving time to be myself and come to learn some more on who and how I am. That I did. No I didn't it was God who showed me who I was...I just had to accept. Well it has not all been peaches n fun. But a good year later I now mark a year into community. For now I have two roomates so that's a community effor right there. Then it is the first time living wioth others of the same faith. Moving has always been such a pain for me. This time my whole community group was there and helped me move. It was great. I got moved in three hours what takes three weeks. So a community helped me move into a community. I have also also started into community in my journey for a few other issues. Now I am in a season of growing pains where my old ways are now at battle with my new ways. I can't do this alone and some days are better than others. But for now this new year is starting off very soon. WHo will come out in the end the wretched old Tom or the New one? I know many see the new one. Even when I do not. Yet this is God's doing. giving up in total surrender is so very difficult to do. Much like Luke on Degobah with Yoda, he had to unlearn what he has learned. Well more to come. Today is a good day for me. Tomorrow is around the corner. I need to crawl out of the old.
posted by Tom at 9:20 PM
0 comments
Monday, November 28, 2005
And what oh what shall today bring? I am still searching for answers in dealing with my hatred for my yo-yo job. They are slowly coming and is getting difficult in accepting.
It looks like bad weather today. Stormy outside but feels good windwise tome anyways. But this time of year for the warmness it can cause a thunderstorm and or tornado. Oh well. Still waiting for internet at the new place. So far it is working out nicely. But I still need a major break form work. I am tired and need some friday off. An yet more crazy news with my sleep apnea...they still were not abel to get the best results from the test. I can't afford this. I now have to ahave a machine before teh machine pretty much. An I am running out of insurance so there is about to be alot of out of pocket expenses....great more stress on stress. Anyways I guess this is pushing me to a breaking point of dependance on who I dunno. But this is starting to kill me. At least I am sleeping a wee bit better but I still stop breathing at night. Who knows when I will ever get straightened out and becoem the man God is calling me to be? It just seems furhter away every day. WIll there ever be light at the end of the tunnel.
posted by Tom at 1:12 PM
0 comments
Saturday, November 26, 2005
I like my job, I hate my job, I accept my job, I hate my job, I want to make things work, I hate my job, I tolerate my job, I hate my job, the pendulum sways back n forth love hate. And the love is more of an ok let's make the best of this most times.
How does one do a good job for God in a position that stretches one past his own physical limits and the thanks he gets is you screwed up again and again. How can I try to work as if for God, be thankful and not demanding towards him in prayer to relieve me from this burden? At times I want to demand for God to deliver me from this situation, but I know that would not yield anything good nor would it be wise. How can I keep making it through this when the only answer I get is there are no other jobs out there for me? I want to do godly, yet I just want out of this. I can't keep pushing my physical limits every weekend. I want to sleep (insert expletives here) and not have to worry as much about forcing myself up and making more mistakes to be told I screwed up. I am running very low on extra effort. So how can I resolve this work issue with God?
posted by Tom at 9:46 PM
1 comments
Friday, November 25, 2005
Ok birds love me. Today there was a bombing brigade and It was bombed by unkown birds several times. At least 3 times while I was at a red light. How do I know, I heard thuds and then my mirror and windshield had a new surpise on them. It was an air raid.
So I went to the car wash and was like ahhhhh looks purdy! I just wished I knew why some cars have anti bird crap sheilds on them and mine doesnt? Mine must have a bulls eye. Ok onto something relevant. I have been readin some again in teh bible which is a good thing. I am in Isiah, 48 I think. It has some pretty deep stuff in it from the lil bit I have read thus far. I still have so much to do with cleaning and unpacking. My foot feels much better today. Just gotta make sure I drink more water. This next month may suck. I do not like this month...from thanksgiving to x-mas. I cannot listen to the radio as I do not want to be reminded how great this season is and then be left alone. Call me scrooge I don't care. Spend a few holidays alone and see how you feel about it. So now I must seek alternative christian music for a month. It's pretty much all x-mas tunes. I hope I can crawl into a hole until Dec 26 and then breathe. And if I hear of one person says how great it is to be with friends and family, I wished I could hang them. But that's just me being overly personal about the holidays. Blah who knows.
posted by Tom at 8:46 PM
0 comments
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Lots n lots goin on the last few days. I moved, had another sleep test done, have been unpacking, have an episode of gout again, had yet another boring thanksgiving....
...well other than some free food at work it aint that bad and my gout is better than it was, just still hurts alot though. So I think this means LOTS of water and then rest on it and I might be ok in a day or two. But all seems to be coming back together. Which is a very good thing. I still have alot to clean up at the old place, but as long as I still have the internet over there I am fine. Next week thigns will be back on track. Yet the only thing I am facing is with my faith that it's like shallow. Much more of a passive activity. I am there but not doing anything. I did actually try to call my mom today but her cell was disconnected and I think her home number is also as it is always busy when I call. I also think I am or may be getting better sleep. As today my nap was a solid 2.5 hours. It was a while. Typically I get 45minutes to a wee over an hour on most times. But this time I was out good. Tomorrow I call the sleep dr to find the results and see about the machine next. Still more happening not out of the woods yet. Just lots of changes. More to come.... ...am working on a list of points to focus on.
posted by Tom at 7:53 PM
0 comments
Monday, November 21, 2005
Wow what an eventful day for Sunday. I left work at 6am and was nice n sleep deprived so I was in a silly mood for once. Usually I am in a cranky mood when I have no sleep like that. Well it was a day of firsts.
I think I had my first bird crap on my head before Sojourn. I wahsed it out though. It may have been a berry but it required a trip to the sink and do some washing. I solved teh Harvey Brown Theory. I know who this person is. I cannot go into details but I know who. The factor has bees resolved. I called them out, confronted, and had found the data needed to convict. Harvey you have been made known and i am the secret keeper......I dunno how long though. Who is Harvey Brown? I also met another blogger form bloggerland. I frequent her blog alot as I came across the blog trail. Ya know a link from Nikki Tatom to other seminary students and then last night I met Christine Hnat. She is much taller in person than I thought. Taller than I am. She is really cool. So now that makes two people I know are real. I heard someone say something about being German and didn't wanna interupt to rudely so I asked Nikki who she was and she told me I knew. I think it's cool when lil meeting like that happen. Ya know unplanned, pop outta the middle of nowhere!! Check out her blog. ANd in other blogger related news I Flashed Lorie King yesterday. Yes I flashed her. ASk her about it sometime. It was funny. I was taking off my camera's flash unit and it had a charge left. So standing so far away from Lorie I Raised up and aimed it like a gun or laser pointer and when she made eye contact I hit the button and flashed her. I ran after I saw a series of ugly upset faces hahah. In the famous words of Bugs Bunny "Ain't I a stinker?" Then after sojourn I went in for the second sleep test. I still have the gunk in my hair but I did get some sleep. In fact it is dark outside and I have been up for an hour and I am fine!!!!! Wooo Hooo. So now we can see what happens next with getting a mask and machine for treating this apnea. After the sermon and while I was waiting for the tech to get me started for the tests, I read in the bible some reflecting upon the sermon tonght. I came across this thinking I was in psalms or proverbs there for a minute, alas I wasn't but it does stick out pretty far in my mind. Isaiah 57:1-2 The righteous pass away; the godly often die before their time. And no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to understand that God is protecting them from the evil to come. For the godly who die will rest in peace. NLT A great tid bit to ponder. No matter who involved I get in worldy affiars (just living) I am reconvicted many a times about where I stand with God. He is asking me to start standing up. I have sat n listened to the teachings, I have served, yet I have not served and have not stood up. A lord's supper I have this daydream/vision/whatever that has developed over the last few weeks.....an invitation to the Lord's Supper. I am invited to dine with Christ. I get there and see the table already set. There is an angel at the door and before I can intropduce myself he says You have already been chosen and called by name. He then gets out of the way and points me to where I will be sitting. It is a simple meal already there laid before me. I do see bowls of fruit that only the rulers of Rome would have for that era. Yet the meal itself is but only two goblets of wine and then one loaf of bread. I am looking around and I see not Christ nor anyone else. And only two places set. I see my goblet perfectly gold, not a scratch or blemish. It is pure and uncorrupted. Even after I hold it in such a way that I should smudge it with my fingerprints. None are to be found. There is nothing that can stain this goblet. Yet I look at the other place which I assume is Christ's and his goblet is flithy with much and grime all over. It has a layer or filth on it must be about an inch. Yet everything else is the same, yet he has the dirties cup. I start to look puzzled. The angel asks "What troubles you? Were you not called by name by him to be here?" "Yes I was." "Wherest is your trouble?" "Is that cupt for Christ?" "Yes it is." "That can't be right. I have done nothing worthy of a perfectly golden goblet while he drinks from such an imperfect cup. Can you give him my cup instead?" "Do you give your life to Christ? Your sins, inequities, shortcomings, and corrupted heart?" Do you not wish to give it to him?" "Yes I do but I do not want him to drink from such a wrthless cup. He is the saviour" "Yes that he is. But do you not want him to be your saviour?" "Yes I do. What kind of question is that?" "This cup is the transferance of all your sins, and shortcomings, inequities and ungodliness. This was your cup. The cup of the lord was given to you after you beleived. This cup is the cup to drink from for Chirst and not your own. That is the cup for Christ to drink from. If thou truly wants him as saviour then you want him to drink from that cup and not the one in front of you." I broke out into a silence. How can I want Christ to drink from such a putrid cup? Still silence befell me. I did not see where Christ was and no one said a thing. I finally spoke up and asked "Where is the master of thy house?" The angel replied "He is" and said nothing more. I heard a faint voice a few moments later. Come eat the bread in which I have prepared for you. Drink the wine that I have mixed. Leave your simple ways and you will live. Walk in the way of understanding. I did not see where the voice came from and by now i was famished and confused, but heartfelt. I took a peice of the bread and ate. I drank the wine from the pure goblet in front of me. I turned to walk out the door and asked the angel "Please tell the master of the house that I must depart before he arrives..." The angel smiled as if I did not get the punchline in a way such I did not see what was ahead of me, much like when a child beleives something and the parent knows the truth and smiles. "The master of the house was always there. He never left, never was he late nore early he was always there. Even when you dined on the bread and the wine he was there. Go back out into the world but forget not that you are alone. He is with you always and let him not drink from that pure cup. We will pray for you to come to know that it is you who must drink from his pure cup and he from your evil cup. He will not ask for your cup. You must ask him to take your cup and he will then give you clean. Continue the journey my brother. We will be praying for your return."
posted by Tom at 6:57 AM
3 comments
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Ya know I think I need to do some serious praise to God. This methiod seems to be working. To drain out the ungodly negativity here at work here is my method
1 ipod shuffle filled with songs of praise and contemporary christian songs, and two of the sojourn cd's. Set loud Set to shuffle And now I have a random ordered playlist that does nto stop.....until the battery runs down and it lasts 8-12 hours as it is. Walk around, go to the bathroom, buy lunch, eat lunch and the songs continue to play. One day I will have to sing a song of praise to God. One that has yet to be written..... One day. Ipod rocks!!!!
posted by Tom at 12:37 PM
1 comments
Insomnia has been coming and going again. I can't believe it's back this bad and that I have no control over it. This hurts me in so many ways. But I do manage to get to sleep and then thigns tend to work out. Now really what is on my heart and mind?
Even though I made other plans I cannot have Friday off. I hate not having a choice when it comes time for me to ask for a life. Or something semi-social, or just something different. I might be a pessamist, which is bad, that's funny. No really everytime things don't seem to click I get a feeling and find out I am rarely ever wrong. Like I am about it to move and blah nevermind. I'll just be real sorta. Nothing news yet. I feel something is still amiss and I can't quite figure it out. Or let go and let it in God's hands. I might be co-dependant I don't know. Its something I have been oberving. Who knows. I know that I am trying to deal with life happening everywhere else but here. I can't make plans as life gets to busy for friends so I get plenty of time alone to do things. I get bored very easily and loose focus on pretty much anything. I hate being alone and I am not talking about in a relationship, I mean everything I do. Outside of group and sundays...that's all I have pretty much. Plans fail so many times. It is hard to fight the fight when there is no one around to fight with. Especially in my spiritual life. Oh yeah those who love my spelling and grammer....its obvious I am getting worse, but just stop. If you know what I am saying then mission accomplished. There are more ways than the english rule book to express and communicate. Stop acting like I am lesser than thou. I can spell very well actually, yet typing is another thing. I do not see the mistakes half the time. I wished the folks at work would get that, but it's a perfection based job so it's not allowed. In fact at work I have gotten angry lately. The religion bashing is getting too much for me. I want to scream out shut up and stop bashing my God like that I do not want to hear you you foul evil men. Or even please I would rather not hear it as my words come back to eat me. They are thrown right back at me. I wished that I would know if I were to speak up that no matter the outcome that God's will would be done and maybe a seed be planted in thier lives. All I know is that it comes back to make me the evil one. But it is getting on my nerves so bad. Thankfully for my lil Ipod, I can try tuning them out at the cost of my eardrums. At least I have some type of God with me in the day. I know there seems to be some light at the end of the tunnel yet it is still hard to live for God when all I have is myself. There is no intimacy that I once had with others and walking my walk, well seems isolated. It would be nice to be around other christians more than four hours a week. Even reading the word I want more. I want to be comforted and yet I don't always get that. This is the path that God has laid out for me. Yet I wished at times God would come down and give me a hug. Or a sign, and email, even a memo just to let me know things are ok or that I am getting there, on the right path, next rest area 20 miles....something. I feel that God hears me, but I don't know if I can hear God or if God is even speaking back to me...at least conventionaly. Maybe I am wrong and should ask God to help me see, and put me in the path, or maybe I should say thank you and shut up. It pains me often times that life has gotten so busy for others that I am not able to share life with anyone, and spend so much time with my enemy, myself. I can't seem to run away nor connect. Not disconnected rather just lack of able to connect. If this is God's way of telling me to depend on him more, I just wished I could have gotten some cliff notes or a pop quiz warning.
posted by Tom at 12:21 AM
0 comments
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Insomnia is a curse, it sucks, it takes away your soul and all power from within you as you lay there helpless not able to sleep. It is the teif in the night.
Anyone wanna take a guess of who hates insomnia? It is back alot these days. It was bad several years ago but has resurfaced now and then. But now it is back several nights a week. Oh what a curse. I cant sleep and then when I do sleep I am always waking up trying to breathe. I'm screwed both sides of sleep. I am tired. Yet today was a good day. The roomate situation will go down. So now I have to pack this week and move on Monday. What a crazy week ahead of me and then one to follow that. Yet this time will be the first time I have lived with anyone of the same faith as I am. Two guys from Sojourn. So this will help financially where as I can pay a few bills and start tithing. It is such a releif. My website is down for a few more days, this sucks. I hope they did not delete the info that was there. I would hate to have to redesign the whole site from ground up. It would be a challenge and I would need a new course of models to help fill the site with. Excapt this time I think I will be more conservative than last time. I still want to capture expressions but not smut. I think some folks got the wrong message, then again last time it was kinda on the line. Now were has God fit in lately? He really has been watching me. Out of the serious emails I sent out, I got some very good replies. I have not felt a sense of accountability or community for a while now. And hopefully this week I can resolve or start to resolve some of this. Change is occuring as it has been, and yet people see me as the man I am becoming. Its a start. I know that insude there are several issues that I am working with and trying to come to grips with God can do it and I have NO power whatsoever to change it, only God does. It comes back to the bookends from "Growing your faith" with the righteousness of christ and go'd power to change. I need to understand better the righteousness and then desire God's changing power and reject my own. Change can be very painful and confusing. Almost downright suffering. But I heard it like this, suffering now is done with a casue, it is done out of love. Suffering in Hell has no cause, there is no outcome for it.
posted by Tom at 3:01 AM
1 comments
Ok I could not help this, it is too cute.....
Now that is out of the way. I am checking out other blogs and hoping I find some new good reads. I also joined up with a Christian Blogroll so I have many new neighbors to check out. Not to mention friends from Sojourn linked to other folks at the seminary...seems to get me all sorts of stuff. Most of it is girly stuff though. In our last class for the manhood womanhood it was mentioned that the road to redemption can be painful. I agree. And yet I wander if I have suffered pain, redeeming pain? I know now that I easily turn to my addictions and sins and yet the first place I want to go is back to God the way things were. This is good at times as it drwa me back....yet others it is upsetting. I should turn away and repent of these ways.
posted by Tom at 4:23 AM
0 comments
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Even in my nap time I dreamed of the lack of gospel in my life. I know this is something that I am in need of. In fact today it would have been a good thing. Yet I chose not to have it. The process of redemption and sanctification is a long and can be a painful process.
My favorite stories are not always the good guy winiing over the bad guy, rather I do love a good story of the bad guys being redeemed or changing to good sides. My story can be such a story too. Except I was not a bad guy yet more like the renegade solo type. Sorta like Han Solo. He was all about himslf and by the end of Jedi he was there for the Alliance. In fact he was a general for them too. I should leanr to have more faith and trusting in God more. I should make effort to apply the gospel in my every day life. Learn of my ways and starve them while I hunger for God instead. Even with work no matter how much I dislike it, I know that I am doing good. I am there when it matters. Yet God lets me know this every now and then. Even when I really am at my worst and not wanting to be there. Yet I do the same thigns to god. I do just enough to get by but never enough to fulfill. Alas no more time to ponder away, time for a shwoer and then work. Thankfully it is my last ngiht for a few days. Tomorrow night = sleep. Until then I pray that my dreams may still be that of the furture with God and see the man God is calling me to be. In his image. Now the fun part is that it seems God has me traveling through the Bible. First I could not get out of Rome. I was always in Romans. Especially chapter 7. But chapter 8 comes in good with some encouragement. But I know that I am very much so in chapter 7. But now it seems he wants me to travel to Ephesus. As now several chapters in Ephesians come to me frequently. Chapter 3-5 and mostly of the King James. THere is so much there and from what I recall sitting here at work it has to deal with understanding God. His will and how deep his love really is. Chapter 3 is very powerful and I have mentioned it several times already in a few posts. But it has come to me a few times. Coincidence? I dunno its more of divine presence. More to come...
posted by Tom at 8:05 PM
0 comments
Friday, November 11, 2005
For the most part I sit here at work angry. Work is a huge killjoy. Even when I just wanted to switch fomr my 80's music to some christian tunes I could not find a good streaming station to listen to. Something with variety and not the same 20 songs over and over. I just wanted to have something inspirational at work, something with God while I work.
Work sucks as so many times I want to focus in on God and cannot. It is not very easy to have God with me at work. There are so many forces that take him away from me. Anyways tongihts last group of the biblical manhood/womanhood was over. Just when things were getting good it comes to an end. But I just wished that I could spend a Friday night out with friends or to ponder what I learned in class. Every now and then I just wished God would deliver me from this so that I could get such an opportunity. I am missing out on so much being here drained of so much. I want to cry screaming and yet I know this is not very well for my soul and relationship with God. But now here comes the big one. If it is his will here in a week or two I may get a call about a job I previously applied for. He said he wanted to test someone for 6 weeks before giving me a chance for three weeks. Well its almost 6 weeks. And now that the third roomate has been verified this gives me a chance to take alower paying job and maybe after I get the machine for my apnea I can get rest enough and take a second job. I so want out but I so want God's will. And that is such a hard thing to live for at times. But I know that financially I need to stay here yet I know that means working through bad hours. I just wished that God could bring someone into my life that could help me through this that understands and can walk through the muck with me. Yet I cannot and it seems such a one sided battle as God wants me here but does not seem to want to give me any help through this among others. Its a lonely life this way. Even with God I want to spend more time...............I better stop as I am getting angry again.
posted by Tom at 11:41 PM
0 comments
Last night was fun. I really do enjoy helping out at our leadership meetings. Its fun, I make people laugh and I get to play with a sharp object!!!! But I get a chance to see the leadership at work and pray with them. I see more and more that I will need to start making more of an effort and turn from my sinful ways and more towards prayer.
I mean really start praying and making the gospel a part of life. How I see the lack of gospel all around my in various aspects of my life. I mean welcomed and abosrobed into my life. There are many other aspects and thoughts on this to reflect upon, but more to come.
posted by Tom at 12:25 PM
0 comments
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
No crazy dream last ngiht. I still think that the last dream was not about exibitionism or anything ofthe such. It was bearing all and hiding from nothing in utmost honesty. Think about it when we are naked we are truthful and yet ashamed and we hide. Then it has been this way since Adam and Eve.
Yet our actions are just as clothed and in all we do. And when the layers come off and we start to bare we can become vulnerable and brutal as far as honesty goes. We even tend to bend trhuths and hide behind out own words, thoughts, actions, beleifs, everything! For myself I can see that I hde behind my own self. My own selfish desires and the evil and wretched man I am, I hide behind myself before I do God. I dare not come to him naked, honest, and ready to talk with him in his presence. I am sure that we all are this way to one degree or another. We sometimes really have to bare all to God. I do beleive if there were a meaning to that dream, this is what it is. In other news I have to work night shifts this week and that is a lovely source of weakness for me. But I can still do everything as planned except for Friday night where a friend was in town and I had hoped to be off on a friday for once. That dream has been crushed. I still find it very hard to draw close to God. It is like I am in a buffer zone like a waiting room. I am in the office I just have not gone in yet. I am not being as active as I should be. I still tend to give into my own teptations and desires no matter what they are. But I find myself nearly preaching to myself alot these days. Last night I asked myself if I actually listend to what in the world I am saying? Do I listen to myself? I have been starting to reflect upon my family and my past. It has been dark and godless for the most part. And the part I did have of God was not as deep as it is now. Yet it is a process that I went through, the seeds were planted then no matter how different things were then. It has formed me into what God wants me to be. The sadness overflows me from my sins at times yet I run back towards them. I know that I may do much alone and yet some of this alone and yet I have entered into community, this time for something specific, and then trying to learn patience as my regular community group gets back on track. While I grew up I did not have many friends so I learned to do things for myself and by myself. Now I look at this and see that I have much to learn about letting others in. I am not bad or anything it is just there are tiumes my own self comes before others. Even If I am ever to get married or even enter into the lives of others in their various walks I must learn to put them first. I must learn to put God first. I am just rambling for now. I know that when I start to see this man God is molding me into becoming its a very happy thoguht and yet is sad when Iw alk away from it. I know that I also need to not dwell on this mold I see and feel. I do not want to fit into what I see yet I want to fit into what God sees. One step at a time, one day at a time.
posted by Tom at 11:49 AM
1 comments
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Yet another night of something relationship based in my dreams. What is this theme in my dreams here lately? This time I ran into some old friends at work and then weirdness started happening like crazy. Because I saw them at work and let's put it this way we were all fired, then had to be tested for something so we were all taken by bus to the corporate headquarters, which looked like an old barn, told to strip and something about whoever left their socks somewhere was really fired and geeze so much more.
I am thinking the part of the being naked might represent nothing to hide. About being truthful and honest. I am not sure. But I do believe this may be the meaning of this. Where I need to become more honest and open, yet not naked hahaha, in front of God and others. What is up with the relationships though? Seeing old friends, people who normally don't care did, and one other one I can't remember. Are my expectations and values out of whack? DO I crave a deeper sense of a relationship something deeper and more profound than surface aquaintaces? I know that I do but are these just dreams or maybe a way of God telling me to rethink a few things with others and himself. More to come... ...and spellchecker too...
posted by Tom at 8:20 AM
1 comments
Monday, November 07, 2005
Ok my dreams are getting wild again. This was the third night I have had a crazy dream this week. Typically they are once in a while. But three times in one week...I dunno.
Well I dreamed that a friend from church died and it was mistaken identity but it still hurt me and I cried in the dream...well more like weaped. I was saddened by it. It was very confusing that's for sure. Second dream was that I did not get to go home at Christmas, which I rarely do anyways, and I got a gift card type thing with some money to go home with. It was given to me by one of the guys I work with. The one that I know not to get into a religious talk with. He is an ass at times yes, but he can be pretty cool too. S what in the world does this dream mean? Why of all it was him who gave it? And thirdly I just last night dreamed I went to an episcopal church service. Now that was weird. It was so different. and the bibles they had, had an additional testament to it. And the new and old testaments were out of order. There were so many things going on there I had no clue about. It was like you need a HOWTO manuals to attend service. Which is pretty much how I feel anyways for catholics. But why was I there? Ok this is just crazy. Now last night I was reading and got some more info that I cared for really. It wasn't a lot but it was enough for me to take a look at myself and reconsider a few things. I read a chapter about relationships and saw how very unhealthy I am. It was very convicting. In fact I may have to re-read it to let it sink in. My parents were failures as parents. My father did his best and we made it through yes. Yet as far as having that nurturing role models a manly man or a woman neither of God. I hade neither. Even my father I know he hurt so I am not placing blame upon him. Yet I see that now the divorce really hurt and messed me up inside. How is a man supposed to act and behave? I do not know. I grew up without knowing that. All I know is my dad kept lots of porn around and guess what I found. Last night I was reading that how I might (i am using myself as it does apply to me) be controlling in order to fix someone else's problems but keep them clinged onto myself so that I do not have to worry about being rejected. Also there is one thing that I know of. Is that I cannot seem to find a healthy minded or christian girl. I typically find the ones that are messed up or so very insecure, ya know have issues. I mean have issues that get in the way or where they give up self to be told everything from the man (which is such a turn off). I typically attract the same ones over and over. I long for that good strong and supportive woman and find the opposite on both. Now the book hit on that. This is an area where I know I need God on. it seems that my views on relationships and how I come about them need some serious help. My broken heart needs mending. For so many years after the divorce I did not see how a man is supposed to act, or a woman how is she to interact and care for her husband and children, how to interact with one another. Nor did I see how to grow up godly. SO maybe I do not know how to relate in this way through god and even with God. Yet this is one place I know I have hurt for years. And the aftermath has stewed for so long it has taken new form. How to be a Godly man. How to love Godly. How to live Godly. Only one can help me with these things. One recent prayer was to be shown to me who I am. I know this is only one of many deliveries. But this is a big pacakge. Ask and ye shall receive.
posted by Tom at 10:34 AM
0 comments
Sunday, November 06, 2005
Groggily I wake up even though I did have two nights where I got off work at an ok time. Not the best time, but still a good time. As any later would have been bad. Last night I went in early and wanted to blog then but alas work got me and I lost the thoughts.
Now reflecting upon my sins, even there it sounds selfish I am calling them mine. See there I go again hahah. I love making even myself laugh. Life for me was not a fairy tale. Many hells came about it and changed everything for me. I have weathered my parents divorce, a very hateful and unforgiving east Nashville school (poor side of town), and because of both pretty much my entire teen years, and then a college run like a high school. Now through all of this I have had one constant factor in my life....me. There were so many times I was the only one bringing comfort to a very tense life. Me and my brother grew up with only our father to raise us. Our grandparents helped whenever they could. But he was across the state. My dad was no where near perfect bar far. We did make it through it all and now are doing well, but I know there for years it was pretty rocky. He was hurting too. And we all were hurting so we were not sure how to handle. Yet for me this is where my darkest started to build. While I have been in the biblical manhood and womanhood class which is going to wrap up next week...I wished it would last there is so much there...I have learned so much especially the role of a mother. Or a woman to be a completer, a healer, encourager all the good stuff. And yet that is what I lacked my whole life. I have very little frame of reference for a positive woman. Now at sojourn I see that differently. I see woman as very beautiful and I am not talking outer appearances. I watch how they interact with others. Most do not interact with me as they are typically busy and sometimes I wonder if I give off some funky radar that keeps them away? Anyways I watch them and I can see that they are so beautiful inside. I hear how they love their husbands, I hear just how they interact and genuinely care. I then contrast them to other women, and even my own mother. And this drives me crazy. It drives me to change, to grow, to mature and for their sakes just as much as mine. This sacred beauty must be protected as it is getting seemingly harder to find. Yet when I do interact and observe I come back to my fight for sexual purity and battles over lust and it irks me to no end. That there are women out there that are beautiful inside and are more than a body. It does drive change. Yet it is hard to find more women like this yet society is raising them differently. It is taking away womanhood and bringing on whoredom in both men and women. So I am really starting to take notice of some serious positive female role models especially in the christian realm that is helping me change a few thoughts. Now the lack of positive woman in my life for so long and seeing my parents divorce so how a preacher and preachers wife fall all to hell and how relationships fail and how NOT to do it...I stood for so many years hurt and confused. Now before I looked at my battles over lust as just stupid, something I just need to stop and something physical yadda yadda yadda. I was talking with a friend and he told me that hurt from a parent can lead to addictive behaviors. That seed was planted that day and it did grow. The thought ran through my head for a while as I wanted to understand that more. I reflected upon the hurt of a mother, how it has to be one of the greatest pains to ever feel, has led to some very dark habits in my own head. And I have been made known that the road I have been on for so many years is not a solo road. One lesson I am still trying to learn is the alone factor. To journey down almost any road requires community and bringing others in. Now every now and then there comes a time to go solo. In fact didn't Jesus go off into the desert by himself for some time? And was tempted by the devil? Yet after that he had his disciples with him all the time pretty much from what I understand of it. So what does this mean for me? That my single mindedness has got to come to an end and I need to tear down some walls and start walking a different path. But more on that later.
posted by Tom at 11:38 AM
0 comments
Friday, November 04, 2005
After a nice few days of stewing and just well being in such a bad space I do feel somewhat better. At least a direction back onto the right path. I did get the news that I stopped breathing 93 times in just over 2 hours. So I have sleep apnea on top of insomnia. So my health is kinda big issue right now. I may have to go into debt furhter but I feel it may be worth it.
Just to sleep well again, man the thought. But today I talked with my accountability partner and we got some good things discussed. We did break some ground mostly it was good to talk and get things off my chest. It did give me another way to look at things in order to just define what I need. It is plenty to ponder and meditate upon. I am thankful that I was able to have that talk. Even though there are times we may not agree, yet we do allow room for difference and seemingly work through the issues. At least able to be encouraged and try to focus in on a few things. One thing I really am thinking about it really looking at my community group. It may not be the right group for me. There are great folks in it yes but I still feel there is something missing from it outside of sermon and the meetings. It is like the other 6 days of the week it's not there. THere is no sense of community I feel. I am like so disconnected! Yet I will ponder over these thoughts and pray I guess on it. I do feel better right now. The best I have felt all week. I know much of this is based on pride and self-centeredness yet I long for commuity and being with others that I do not seem to receive as much and therefor I am drained spiritually so much. I just want to feel a part of something, and I have some work to do on this. I just get the feeling of the transition, the transformation and I feel good when I see it and bad when I don't. It is becoming a drug. Wheras when I am not with God I am in withdrawl sorta. Hmm not the most positive way to look at things but it feels that way. I guess Ihave been very negative here lately. But the resistance between the person I am and the one I am becoming.....the resistance is getting fierce at times. This may have been one of those weeks. But that does not mean that this week will not be one of those weeks....the week coming up that is.
posted by Tom at 3:22 PM
0 comments
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Really I am. Right now everything is a rollercoaster up and down good and bad. My fiances are shot all to nothing, health and sleepwise I am not looking so well, not faithful in my devotionals or spritual life I screw everything up here lately.
The closer I get to wanting to make change, hell ensues and I mess it up. I have tried to talk with people but everyone is so damned busy. Damned would be appropriate I think in this case as it terminates the conversation that I was seeking to have with them. Even when I do get to talk and vent its written off as whining and such. Or if I do get a good ear I am still just as lost and confused before the conversation ever started. Now the frustration is growing into anger and I can't stand it. Maybe I should become a hermit or something and face harsh realities that I must be a bruden to be around or something. My heart longs for companionship and fellowship friendships everything, yet my life 6 days of the week indicates differently. Life seems to let me live for God one day a week and the rest I am on my own. To grow healthy physiclay and spiritually one must eat and be nurished frequently....spiritually I get snack packs and then wait sometimes days before the next snack or meal for my soul. Batteries are low and I am loosing the battles against my own evil. No matter the sin these days I am just giving in as it is the path of least resistance and there is no one around it seems. So since I have been dropped off in the desert, I keep walking hoping I find the next sign of life before then. Really I just want to freakin scream...but no one would hear so what's the difference. I am a failure that seems to love to fail. I hope, not pray, that one day I can and will look back upon all this and see the lesson....otherwise what is all this suffering for? Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure = Tom/me/myself/I
posted by Tom at 12:39 PM
0 comments
|
daily.verse
script provided by biblegateway.com
Special.Collections journey.tom who.said.what  Susan L. Prince // said...
L. Eubanks // said...
Paul Tackett // said...
iggie // said...
Tina // said...
Amber // said...
iggie // said...
 // said...
previous.journies journies.archive
links.tom links.other sojourn.blogs blogs.other blogroll.christian Thy way, not mine, O lord Thy way, not mine, O Lord, However dark it be; Lead me by Thine own hand, Choose out the path for me.
Smooth let it be or rough,
I dare not choose my lot;
Take Thou my cup, and it
Choose Thou for me my friends,
The kingdom that I seek
Not mine, not mine the choice ~Horatius Bonar |
