After a nice few days of stewing and just well being in such a bad space I do feel somewhat better. At least a direction back onto the right path. I did get the news that I stopped breathing 93 times in just over 2 hours. So I have sleep apnea on top of insomnia. So my health is kinda big issue right now. I may have to go into debt furhter but I feel it may be worth it.

Just to sleep well again, man the thought.

But today I talked with my accountability partner and we got some good things discussed. We did break some ground mostly it was good to talk and get things off my chest. It did give me another way to look at things in order to just define what I need. It is plenty to ponder and meditate upon. I am thankful that I was able to have that talk.

Even though there are times we may not agree, yet we do allow room for difference and seemingly work through the issues. At least able to be encouraged and try to focus in on a few things.

One thing I really am thinking about it really looking at my community group. It may not be the right group for me. There are great folks in it yes but I still feel there is something missing from it outside of sermon and the meetings. It is like the other 6 days of the week it's not there. THere is no sense of community I feel. I am like so disconnected! Yet I will ponder over these thoughts and pray I guess on it.

I do feel better right now. The best I have felt all week. I know much of this is based on pride and self-centeredness yet I long for commuity and being with others that I do not seem to receive as much and therefor I am drained spiritually so much. I just want to feel a part of something, and I have some work to do on this.

I just get the feeling of the transition, the transformation and I feel good when I see it and bad when I don't. It is becoming a drug. Wheras when I am not with God I am in withdrawl sorta. Hmm not the most positive way to look at things but it feels that way.

I guess Ihave been very negative here lately. But the resistance between the person I am and the one I am becoming.....the resistance is getting fierce at times. This may have been one of those weeks. But that does not mean that this week will not be one of those weeks....the week coming up that is.