Really I am. Right now everything is a rollercoaster up and down good and bad. My fiances are shot all to nothing, health and sleepwise I am not looking so well, not faithful in my devotionals or spritual life I screw everything up here lately.

The closer I get to wanting to make change, hell ensues and I mess it up. I have tried to talk with people but everyone is so damned busy. Damned would be appropriate I think in this case as it terminates the conversation that I was seeking to have with them.

Even when I do get to talk and vent its written off as whining and such. Or if I do get a good ear I am still just as lost and confused before the conversation ever started.

Now the frustration is growing into anger and I can't stand it. Maybe I should become a hermit or something and face harsh realities that I must be a bruden to be around or something. My heart longs for companionship and fellowship friendships everything, yet my life 6 days of the week indicates differently.

Life seems to let me live for God one day a week and the rest I am on my own. To grow healthy physiclay and spiritually one must eat and be nurished frequently....spiritually I get snack packs and then wait sometimes days before the next snack or meal for my soul.

Batteries are low and I am loosing the battles against my own evil. No matter the sin these days I am just giving in as it is the path of least resistance and there is no one around it seems.

So since I have been dropped off in the desert, I keep walking hoping I find the next sign of life before then.

Really I just want to freakin scream...but no one would hear so what's the difference. I am a failure that seems to love to fail. I hope, not pray, that one day I can and will look back upon all this and see the lesson....otherwise what is all this suffering for?

Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure = Tom/me/myself/I