 Monday, January 29, 2007
At work I am in desperate of God, not at the (Specifically current employer). I can see that my focus is at my current employer specifically but not to the act of work.
I have no self-sufficiency, in the law (world) I can. To accept the ways of the law by today's means is to come to self and not submit to a higher power let alone another. I may be a modern day Job, where I bash others and act higher than they no matter their faith, I judge them by the fruit produced. Just read Job 38:4-40:2 where God lays it all out to Job. And it is after Job wishes to be silent after seeing what he just did God declares one more challenge to Job. And Job replied "I know that you can do anything, and no one can stop you." Go confronted Job and asked what powers and strengths he had. Just as I, Job had none.. Even writing this now it is the will and sovereignty of God. My life can be gone fast. Faster than even a blink. The job/work situation is even from God. For everything comes from him and exists by his power and is intended for his glory. All glory to him forever! Amen. Romans 11:36 (New Living Translation) So even repentance does not come from man nor self, not even simply asking or declaring repentance in prayer. It comes form heart change. Just like the Canaanite woman, we should not give up asking or in this case seeking forgiveness and repentance. God can make anything happen. So why do we not turn to him? This may open a jar of worms, or keg in this case, but in my case of work...I will remain the focus. Putting my faith in him not me But then believing that all will be answered when I as and not doubt. Even if the answer that comes back is not what I was looking for. It may not be “my” answer. But even as the food I eat comes from him, so does the answers to my prayers. But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do. James 1:6-8 (New Living Translation) Is it mine or his? Money, health, possessions? Yes I declare each one of them as my own. And not has. This has led to a deceitful heart that is and was un-thankful. For if it is ours then it is not God's for us to give thanks to right? At work I become a different person and let my sins overcome me. Internally and externally therefore making them all internal all over again. The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand. Psalm 37:23-24 (New Living Translation) My state of discontent and suffering over the issues at work should not be good nor bad but HIS will. And as such all come from him until we seek him and place our faith in him. To be thankful and seek him no matter our troubles. In this trial I see and feel that: My hands are full when I have been going to God during this time. Full of anger, frustration, downcast and despair, self...need I go on? So how can I receive? For who can know the Lord’s thoughts? Who knows enough to give him advice? And who has given him so much that he needs to pay it back? For everything comes from him and exists by his power and is intended for his glory. All glory to him forever! Amen. Romans 11:34-36 (New Living Translation)
posted by Tom at 3:02 PM
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Sunday, January 28, 2007 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Galatians 5:1 (New International Version)But I was doing so well... You were running the race so well. Who has held you back from following the truth? It certainly isn’t God, for he is the one who called you to freedom. Galatians 5:7-8 (New Living Translation)How did I find myself back in this place again. I don't know. I am sure I do but I do not want to take the time to sit down and map the whole thing out. I won't like the results of it very much. After the first 50 or so sins. While some of the external factors were a part of it, my reactions were the internal aspect of it. I gave in and let sin reign. Not take over or anything but I let it overwhelm me and became blind to it once again. One thing that Jerry Bridges tried to help us understand was running this like a race and keeping our eyes on the prize. Actually it is from Philippians but one chapter in of his books hit on this. I know that I have definitely lost focus. I shifted form seeking God to seeking a way out of now. This is where things start to fall apart by not seeking him or accepting that he is the one. Or simply that he IS. So it's no wonder how those of us in this spiritual warfare daily to not know what we are fighting or live a docile fight. Kinda there but going no where. In the How People Change book, one of the first things they tell you is the focus of heaven. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us. Philippians 3:13-14 (New Living Translation)In looking back upon how I went off against my roommate I see that no matter how right I felt Iwas, I was still on a path to a dead end. For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. But if you are always biting and devouring one another, watch out! Beware of destroying one another. Galatians 5:13, 15 (New Living Translation)I was not living in freedom. I was living in the law. You do unto me and I will do unto you. Much like that scientific rule where every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Blow for blow. This was a cycle that would have went no where. When I know that I should have taken a different course of action. I know the end result I was very satisfied. I won, But at a cost. I took an issue I Wanted to address for a very long time and went rash on it. So I was not following the teachings here on this one. There was no serving or love among either of us. What hit me here is this would apply to any relationship. Including marriage. How can I intimnately love anyone for the glory of God if I am not servbing one another in love? But following the laws of my right vs your wrong? Or the laws of anger I guess would be a nice name for it. It comes with being evil and fallen.
But now reading further I see that I am not following him in my actions in life as of last week. I was giving in to my sinful nature by choice. It is rare when I really set out to do wrong or sin on purpose. And here I am giving in, in so many ways. But somethign just hit me. About being free, well not free. We are not free to carry out our good intentions, but if we follow the spirit, Christ, we are not under the law of Moses. So this means no to the ten commandments? Think about it if you break down the commandments, you can see a few very comman basic themes in it. I even heard George Carlin break them down once. He may not have been the, well It's George Carlin folks! However if we follow Christ in the greates commandments everything fits into place. We are to love God with all our heart, and secondly love our neighbor as we love ourselves. If we were to do this it does change the light in whcih I look at the big ten list ya know? So what does it realy mean to love one another? For me its easy on paper but difficult in application. I don't know. By living in anger and frustration, come to think of it in Star Wars Yoda really boke down everything to the point of the darkside. Those of us who battle that darkside knew waht he meant. While everyone looked at yet another cheesy line. There is truth in that. Replace Dark Side with death. Now listen again... Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate, and Hate leads to suffering.Suffering. Did we hear that? In my case I was so angry I was hateful. I did not hate those who wronged me, I hated I was wrong but gave into to a hateful heart. Which later I felt physical pain. I could not stand the feeling I was harboring. It hurt. It was suffering. And that leads to death. And not the good one. It is the life of bondage. The yoke of slavery. So from giving in to the anger I became a slave to that in which I wanted away from. I never thought that a trip to Galatia would show me this. Did anyone else knwo this was in Galatia? I'm scared to see what else that got in the market!
posted by Tom at 12:54 PM
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Saturday, January 27, 2007
This story is not over yet. But here is the next chapter.
These last maybe 48 hours have been crazy. What I left off is that after Evil Tom came out and stood against one of my roommates that afterwards feeling that there was a greater sense of accomplishment I was able to think clearly. So I went in my room and started writing and breaking down why I was really angry. Or at least find the root causes. It seems to be a longer battle with either some hidden lies or un-faced issues. I am not sure. But the hurt and frustration and anger were still there. I cried out for help and even had one shouting match with Gd. But this week even among the pain of it all others came to me in my support. The pain may still be there but it has dulled so much or at least been replaced with encouragement. It its sorta along those same lines as the children form my community group give me. The first time a two year old met me he said "I like him mommy he's cool!" I darn near cried. Then a 17month old had fell and was crying and her father was not able to get her to calm. but I walk in there and she reaches for me. After I took her she stopped crying. Well ok so this is a different kind of fuzzy but I should not forget them. As it is encouraging and should give me focus. I have lost so much focus. And therefore despair came out to play, and Evil Tom. He only came out for defensive reasons. Regular Tom was hurting too much so he came out to take a stand and rattle some cages back. Anyways... I sent the blog entry as an email to the men in my group and a few other close friends. The response was very heart warming and supportive. "don't give up. he'll finish the good work he's started in you." "Shalom ah l'chem, [Salam ale Kum], ( Peace be with you)" "...when we're right in the middle of the pressure cooker, but we all need to know that our Father is working to make us more like Jesus, and He will do whatever it takes to get the job done. " "May we not pass on the other side of the road when a brother calls out for help." "the number one thing is to seek God and ask him what to do. and do exactly what he tells you. receive his words of love." "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." At my job I have no idea why God has me there. I see my suffering for no cause and unnecessary. It hurts too much to think about it. But things don't feel as bad as they once did. But they could again i am sure. Since it sucked me down so bad I lost my focus and intentional seeking of God. In good news I do now have 4 resumes out there but I need to...err want to seek God intentionally for his guidance of where he wants me to be. If the answert is where I am at, I am not ready for that answer. And this could be a cause of friction for me right now. We shall see. But suffering for no lesson, just seems to bother me even greater. It makes me feel less of a person because I am not learning what I am supposed to. Can't I get an outline or memo? Something? Any form of guidance? I may not be seeing the forest for all the trees. Or just not seeking God in the midst of this trial as he wants. Reading another fellow bloggers page, she had a great verse that seemed to hit me. It wasn't a breathtaking hit, but it was a hey lookie here! kinda verse. On a side note I love how Igoofed around and gave her the name K8y and it stuck! Ain't I a stinker? If you want to view her blog you can here (K8y's blog here) Or you can read it here before we go to Galatia. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Romans 8:28 (New Living Translation) This is for both good and bad. Even though I may not see the cause or reasoning it is there. Like the desperation I feel at work now may be a way of seeing if I settle on discontent or seek God elsewhere. Seek another job but do so in seeking God every step of the way. I gave up on the learning patience thing. As I kept hoping and dreaming. Only to be let down and hurt again and again. Maybe it is time to seek another job but seek it through and by God? But then the anger outbursts, well after sitting down and writing some things out I see that there are other things in my heart that have been revealed in the middle of this trial. Even as some of the emails I got indicated.
posted by Tom at 12:48 PM
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Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Please guys pray for me. Evil tom has decided to step in and play for a while. I know in class tonight we talked returning evil for evil.....well its happening alot now. The stress is getting to me. I went off on a roommate tonight, and took the tv into my room, because I was tired of him always in there and then he smarted off to me tonight in a "know it all/better than you " attitude....so I cussed at him, took the tv away while he was playing a video game and it is nice and peaceful in the living room now. Wow I love this result.
And at work, someone decided to order me a jacket, for the giving to United Way, well they ordered large, I decided ya know I am tired of getting clothes too small, they should cater or think that some folks are bigger than large. SO I took a 3x when there was a L marked next to my name. See no more discrimination if I am dishonest! Wow once again a result. Well I think I may let honesty win, since they did send an email asking for it back whoever took it. Maybe not. I am loosing it folks. I don't know what's left of me. But please pray for me. Evil tom is out to play, no fear, you are all on his good list, and mine too! Even though results are happening this is good, but sometimes evil Tom can make things worse....who knows. But this is when caution should be used. I just can't fight right now. I am overwhelmed. I dunno what else to say at this point. Thanks....pray if you can, Tom (both good and evil and I mean evil jerk a'hole etc not just common garden variety evil)
posted by Tom at 9:09 PM
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I am loosing control very badly. My focus is not formed. Despair and frustration is leading into deep anger which hurts. I can't do this alone. Work is killing me. I am afraid to have my blood pressure taken right now. I hate hating my job and feeling I am being punished and suffer for nothing. Or suffer for someone else who throws a banana and I am supposed to dance like a mindless monkey.
Despair and frustration is forming into deep anger that is hurting me. I am hurting alot right now. I am very angry and tired of feeling trapped and alone. God has me here for what I hear is a reason, but I do not see it. Who did I upset and why am I being punished for no reason? I hate my job with a passion now. I cannot invest in others, group, service or even myself because of my crazy work schedule and no one understands that. It physically hurts and no one is there. I had a shouting match with God yesterday. I think it may have been my first one. I hurt. I feel he is calling me unto others and yet my life circumstances block it in every way. I am angry, hurt, frustrated, alone, yet not wanting to give up completely. I give up on asking anyone to help me with my health. The world wants to be fat and die. No one wants to help or take me serious when I ask for help in that area. When I am asked if I can meet anyone for Sunday morning, or Friday evening, no one realizes how much that hurts me. Its a stab to my heart they ask that. because I can't. My insomnia is back, big time and I am sure that my blood pressure is very high once again. I have not felt this bad in years. I pray that god either deliver me form this or give me the reason for this suffering before I give in to something and do something regrettable like I did yesterday. Where even the after battle with my conscience I sided with my sinful side because I felt it was the right thing for me. This is not me. But yesterday it was. I was in pure defiance and now someone else did not get their jacket they ordered because someone ordered me the wrong size. And I dream often times of my last day at work where I tell off my 4 different bosses for how stupid they are when it comes to treating employees and the website. Anger is winning in my life. And I am starting to give up on hope as hoping...I only get hurt. Like hoping someone reads this and prays for me or gives me words of encouragement....nah my readership is nearly gone. I needed to get this out somewhere. Maybe I will be heard, maybe not.
posted by Tom at 10:28 AM
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Tuesday, January 23, 2007
I am tired of being deiscrimated against, I'm not small, I cannot wear "L" in anything. So when I was asked to please only take the size signed up for, I did not sign up so they decided I must be small...so I took a "3x" I am tired of this discrimiation aginst big folks. So I was dishonest.
I grow so tired o f trying anymore. Maybe I should riase my voice threatening like and be heard....by no one. Yeah Im having a great day. I just had to BEG freaking BEG for help with my health. Why do I have to BEG......honestly I want to insert so many cuss words right now.
posted by Tom at 12:58 PM
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" I can't do this alone"
What do people hear? Maybe they heard I WANT to do it alone? I think I will drop my YMCA membership. tomorrow is the deadline for the contest, no one has told me a straight answer for even meeting up there. N one wants to join me in this battle. I hate this. SO I think I will save myself the money and do everything alone. Unless the world wants me to stay fat and unhealthy. No one wants to help me. I am so tired of this.
posted by Tom at 11:27 AM
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Sunday, January 14, 2007
Ok things have been set into motion that is most likely way past overdue. In fact overdue would indicate it being early, so that's how long overdue things are. Let's see what is going on and what are the rules of engagement?
One I am overweight. I am tall and large framed yes, but I am still very overweight. In fact according to eh charts I'm morbidly obese. Wat such a horrible word to be labeled as in life. Morbid. But I am not all that bad. Depends on what I am wearing depends on how much I appear to weigh. Even for the jokes I think the fat boy jokes might wanna slow down into nothingness. So why is weight loss important to me all of the sudden? Actually it's not all of the sudden it has been such a long journey that has rarely ever been walked but always been felt. Why I want to start...
Other good things....
I grow so tired of being past lazy into lethargic not doing anything. I hate it. I sometimes feel I have no control over things. No control by means of things are getting out of hand from laziness and now creating more work in the battle. Doing nothing is loosing control that I do have. Four years ago I was doing good. I was alone but it seemed to work out. I was exercising and loosing weight. I was down to just a tad below 285. People noticed. Then one day sick and broke I ate McDonald's. For the first time ( I had not eaten out in a long time) I felt so weighed down from the grease. I never felt it before until then. I mainly was walking and such or on a treadmill or a gym bike. That was four years ago. It seems my health issues start hitting my, like gout, when I get above a certain weight. This worries me and frustrates me. So here is where I am at... I bought a food steamer for Christmas and started eating a lot of that. And I cut back on my sugar intake mostly. And I have lost 5 pounds just form the diet alone! That is a great start. Then just recently I joined the YMCA where I found many folks form church go there as well. So I hope with a combination of diet and exercise with a few other lifestyle changes that I can loose some of this extra weight. My goal is to loose 75 pounds.. Current weight in 310 pounds, just a tad under. Mayhaps 308 depending on what time of day I weight myself. Simple rules....(most worked for me the last time)
This time what will I do differently? I need to really pray on this. I know that I have tried so many times before on my own and have failed. I need support and accountability or I will fail. I cannot do this alone. I lack discipline in this area and really need community this time in order to make this more successful than the last time. I have not taken great care of myself. This is only one of many areas in my life I need to work on. And working on one will effect another. I will have energy once again. It is just not about weight loss, but also about control, discipline, saying no to myself when appropriate, making wiser choices in my actions (what I eat, don't eat etc). This is apart of the package. This is not one battle. This is only one battle of the war to become the man God calls me to be. In fact this can even by a way of evangelizing, by means of my life as an example. Maybe even help others. Point my eyes away form myself and unto God, deny self, and sacrifice self for love and the family I desire In Christ and in the physical sense. Externally or internally this i s not just about me anymore.
posted by Tom at 10:14 PM
1 comments
Friday, January 12, 2007
Pretty much things have been in several places for me. I am slowly starting to bring them al together. I have been journaling old school pen an paper alot here lately. I started a list on 43things.com which is a great place for you to put down all your goals and join others in the same battle.
My journey is still going on. It is still full of valleys and peaks. But now I will have to do some fighting and following. God calls men to be the cultivators. Well this is true. I have seen how my past has kept me from moving onward in many areas. But I see that this cannot be allowed to hold me back any longer. This is not just in relationships but in everything I do. So far this year may become the first steps into the longer journey? It has been God's grace through all of this that I am still here to journey. Even in my sins he did not turn from me, yet it was I who turned from him. So it has been growingly upon my heart that the balls is in my court, it is my turn to make a move. If I do not make a 180 in this journey (make a dedicated walk) I may be set for doom. I have dreamed several times lately of snakes. From what I have broken down, this is a sign of death. Both times they were after me. I Must make a 180 in my walk. How? That has also been upon my heart lately as well. Bring others in intimately for accountability for whatever reason and letting them in on my journey. One thing I have heard comment on is my transparency in calling out sins. I just do not do it that often But it is time to bring others in on a deeper level. My new community group is wonderful. we are "gellin" very well, in fact we are like a family. And that is very important to me. I am fortunate and blessed that God has put them into my life. I have made a few changes that are yeilding some great results. I have made some changes to my diet. And diet alone I have lost a few pounds over these last two weeks. I got a steamer for Christmas and I have been cooking with it like mad. Tonight or tomorrow I will join with the YMCA and seek others that are going there so that I may join them. It is time to work on physical health. Finances are better than they were. Still needs work but I am not as tight on funds as I once was. More bills are getting paid and caught up. This is bringing releif. I made a few fashion and hygiene changes that have seemingly gone very noticed. More than I ever anticipated. I am keeping my beard trimmed and got a few nice looking shirts. I was not ready for the comments I received...but they made an impact. The biggest change is that things I once enjoyed I no longer enjoy. Or my sensitivity levels have raised since 3 years ago before I started back to church. That can mean only one thing...that God has been working on me in my life. Even in despair over things I looked back at 2006 and saw that even in the lowest of valleys there was God. There was change. Yet there was much sin and rebellion but there he was in his anger and love. His anger was there to want me to do right and his love was there to tell me I am his. This is why the dreams of the snakes speaks to me the way it does. God wants me. If I do not make some very huge first steps I will go the way of the serpent. So to speak. In despite of the idols found in my life, sins, and overall knowing that I am not a "good guy" that I am still wanted. In the bible he used some pretty dirty men for the holiest of acts. I too can be used in such ways. Basically God is trying to get it through my head he wants to be on my side if I let him. I guess it is time to send out some invites into my life. And the wife and family I want, among other prayers, God pretty much is telling me (in my own words) He aint gonna fed ex 'em over. Gotta make some good first steps...back to him. The journey is only getting deeper. Is that love or what?
posted by Tom at 5:50 PM
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Monday, January 08, 2007
As I stop to reflect upon the year that just passed I see that so much change has happened. In fact even as things changed a lot at Sojourn, as have I. Almost a year ago I had a talk with one of my friends. It was one of those “You suck” no “you suck” talks. And I semi-dubbed the year “The Year of relationships” Oh how I had no idea how true that would turn out. It's crazy how this season lasted pretty much a calendar year. But the shift has been coming now slowly for a month or so.
But I am feeling around the the next chapter.....might be “The awakening” which is a continuation of last year as the relationships do not stop. But its getting time to awaken some things and set forth into action. That and my old passion for photography is heating up again.
posted by Tom at 2:47 AM
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Thursday, January 04, 2007
I think I am going to read Hosea...the more I think about it, the more it shows how we are. Hosea marries Gomer a prostitute, she cheates on him, several times, and each time he takes her back.
We cheat or sin against God, over and over and he still takes us back. Nice parallel.
posted by Tom at 12:36 AM
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