This story is not over yet. But here is the next chapter.

These last maybe 48 hours have been crazy. What I left off is that after Evil Tom came out and stood against one of my roommates that afterwards feeling that there was a greater sense of accomplishment I was able to think clearly. So I went in my room and started writing and breaking down why I was really angry. Or at least find the root causes.

It seems to be a longer battle with either some hidden lies or un-faced issues. I am not sure. But the hurt and frustration and anger were still there. I cried out for help and even had one shouting match with Gd. But this week even among the pain of it all others came to me in my support. The pain may still be there but it has dulled so much or at least been replaced with encouragement.

It its sorta along those same lines as the children form my community group give me. The first time a two year old met me he said "I like him mommy he's cool!" I darn near cried. Then a 17month old had fell and was crying and her father was not able to get her to calm. but I walk in there and she reaches for me. After I took her she stopped crying. Well ok so this is a different kind of fuzzy but I should not forget them. As it is encouraging and should give me focus.

I have lost so much focus. And therefore despair came out to play, and Evil Tom. He only came out for defensive reasons. Regular Tom was hurting too much so he came out to take a stand and rattle some cages back.

Anyways...

I sent the blog entry as an email to the men in my group and a few other close friends. The response was very heart warming and supportive.

"don't give up. he'll finish the good work he's started in you."

"Shalom ah l'chem, [Salam ale Kum], ( Peace be with you)"

"...when we're right in the middle of the pressure cooker, but we all need to know that our Father is working to make us more like Jesus, and He will do whatever it takes to get the job done. "

"May we not pass on the other side of the road when a brother calls out for help."

"the number one thing is to seek God and ask him what to do. and do exactly what he tells you. receive his words of love."

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal
glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is
seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is
unseen is eternal."

At my job I have no idea why God has me there. I see my suffering for no cause and unnecessary. It hurts too much to think about it. But things don't feel as bad as they once did. But they could again i am sure. Since it sucked me down so bad I lost my focus and intentional seeking of God.

In good news I do now have 4 resumes out there but I need to...err want to seek God intentionally for his guidance of where he wants me to be. If the answert is where I am at, I am not ready for that answer. And this could be a cause of friction for me right now. We shall see. But suffering for no lesson, just seems to bother me even greater. It makes me feel less of a person because I am not learning what I am supposed to. Can't I get an outline or memo? Something? Any form of guidance?

I may not be seeing the forest for all the trees. Or just not seeking God in the midst of this trial as he wants.

Reading another fellow bloggers page, she had a great verse that seemed to hit me. It wasn't a breathtaking hit, but it was a hey lookie here! kinda verse. On a side note I love how Igoofed around and gave her the name K8y and it stuck! Ain't I a stinker? If you want to view her blog you can here (K8y's blog here)

Or you can read it here before we go to Galatia.

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Romans 8:28 (New Living Translation)

This is for both good and bad. Even though I may not see the cause or reasoning it is there. Like the desperation I feel at work now may be a way of seeing if I settle on discontent or seek God elsewhere. Seek another job but do so in seeking God every step of the way. I gave up on the learning patience thing. As I kept hoping and dreaming. Only to be let down and hurt again and again. Maybe it is time to seek another job but seek it through and by God?

But then the anger outbursts, well after sitting down and writing some things out I see that there are other things in my heart that have been revealed in the middle of this trial. Even as some of the emails I got indicated.

Labels: Evil Tom, OTJ