 Thursday, June 30, 2005
Well this is a day that others are in need of prayer and guidence more than I. My firedn Aaron is still in town packing the truck....he had time working against him in getting out. I did get plenty of paper for them so that is good. So I asked them to call when they get there. It's a new stage of life for them.
And then My friend Brandon from Sojourn his father has triple bypass surgery tomorrow and his fahters mother is in the hospitol for congestive heart failure. So two family that close mother and son sick. You know it has got to be very hard on hi and his family. It is times like this I wished I could ask god to take away a blessing or future blessing to give to them to help them out. Even though I know my heart means well....this is a judgement against God's will. I am really re-thinking the whole factor of judging. But for today there are several others that are in greater need than I.
posted by Tom at 11:06 AM
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Tuesday, June 28, 2005
I hate saying good bye to friends and those I care about. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, but tonight may be the last time I get to see Aaron, at least for a while. I am saddened yes, but still happy for him. This is where his heart is. And starting a family is important to him. I hate to see him go but it is his time. I don't think it will be the last I see of him. But I feel this is where God wants him. If anythnig (as life as a sitcom) he gets to have a season or two up north for a bit.
Now yes I have one less dear friend in this town. He is the one that got me back into church. So I can now be there for him in prayer and spirit. His time has come to move on. This week is far from over and I am worn out already. Mostly mentaly. Physically I will be fine. But worn out from saying good by to a friend, deep thoughts and ponderings with my time with Christ (or lack thereof), finances, and just everything...I am worn out. Tomorrow is work and a concert, the thursday is work and community group, friday is well a payday that will go by very fast. A very tight week is coming up. But looking at it when I kept the budget simple it seems to work out better, when I get gun-ho about it, I get broke in a bad way and so short leaving no room for life Iget furhter in the hole....I am starting to like the simple plans better. Today, this morning, or last night I think It was I went over some more parts of psalms 119. It did me some good. But I feel I need to meditate upon them further. is now a time for doing or is now a time for listening? Dont be sad, do not cry, for knowing things are in god's hands should let us smile and comfort our hearts.
posted by Tom at 10:08 PM
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Ok this is a first......My dream was a full feaature anime with Aeon Flux meets Cowboy Bebop. It was full, the sequence actually ended and those of us that watched my dream at the movies....were all, we liked it but it wasn't what we thought. But a good flick none the less.
Man my dreams are wild!!
posted by Tom at 9:00 AM
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Monday, June 27, 2005
Well I just printed off my three credit reports....boy what a mess. But now I have all 50 pages from all three of them...its a novel actually. I do have a plan for a second job. I will try here tomorrow if I have time. I may help with some Jeff St stuff if I can.
I am now loving nights from 11pm - 1am now I can listen to echoes again. Its a radio program on NPR. Its calming. It is helping me gain focus and ponderings. Tomorrow will be a day. And so will Wednesday, then thursday, and well my week is over. It is all good thought as it is planned out. Maybe I can stay out of trouble this way? I think its time to re-read psalms 119.
posted by Tom at 11:02 PM
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Sunday, June 26, 2005
Ya know I look at a lot of my problems and think its so bad, woe is me, how can this be happening to me end of the world typwe stuff. And then there are far greater problems and I look and think....I am a whiney bastahd! Hahahows that for a substitute word?
Facing certain issues let's say finances. I am pretty well in debt mostly from school loans. In fact I am now with the car etc somewhere over 50k in the hole. This can take some time to clean up. I get worried over these things and well get uneasy and try so many scenrios in my head the stress just compiles on top of itself, receycles, and then re compiles ontop of itself again. Then there is one guy with a huge issue. The half ton man as reported on yahoo news has in a year lost half his weight. HALF of it!!!! And I can't even get my fat...um self motivated to stick to something and loose just 50lbs. What am I doing and complaining about things being bad? This man wanted the change and has worked hard for this. He felt his ribs for the first time in years and was amazed. Something so simple we think gee it's just ribs...... Where am I at now? I don't know. I think today I will talk to the pastor at Sojourn and set up a meeting. I can see where I really need it now. To put into Jedi terms I am strong with the force but I can still be easily persuaded and fail. My heart is there but my mind is not. I fail myself so many times by taking care of myself, or being good to myself for me. Instead of dealing with something less or discomfort, I take the me of now rather than the me of then. Very fragile right now in my faith. I have come a long ways and have made some real progress but now is the time to live up to myself, my word, and become. Today is good. I got some music playinig again and feel good. Got my friends going away party today. So I may sneak out after communion or directly after service. Thinking about now and then tomorrow...I want God in it so very much. But I seem to get in the way. Transformation
posted by Tom at 2:17 PM
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Saturday, June 25, 2005
I hate saying good-bye, especially to dear friends. Several years ago I had no idea that the only person who laughed at my punch line would become a great friend. He in fact is why I am now back into a church. But his life has a new course now. It is like Morgan Freeman said at the end of Shawshank Redemption...
Some birds are not meant to be caged. And when that bird flies the cage a part of you that wished for him not to be caged, wishes he were caged Thats what I recall of it....it's not exact but it does seem to fit in. I do wish him the very best as he really is now onto the next stage in life...a new adventure, a new town for him, a soon to be wife, and family. He really does deserve to be happy. He has put up with alot. So now I can only want the best for him. And in the world of email, I hope it stays a small world. So this has been running through my head alot lately. Tomorrow is his good by party, I'll be there late after chruch but be there. But this is only one of a few major things on my mind.
posted by Tom at 11:01 PM
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Thursday, June 23, 2005
Breathe in........easier said than done. The mood is set. Lights dim, in fact out other than the ambiance of the monitor allowing me to see while I type. An aroma of an Australian wine. Whilst I breathe in I remember that wine is the blood of christ which was shed for us and extra chills run through out all over. The sounds I have used the Internet to find my favorite radio program, Echoes only found on NPR in Lexington.
Sounds Smell Sight I have failed a lot lately. I know this. I then step outside that box with one foot still in the box. Comment how wrong and bad it was, and I do it again. Is it sin? Yeah but amd I looking at it in the right light? No. I tend to keep to myself. I have let my own feelings come before God. I have god at a close second but I keep jumping back towards myself. Wow I want to serve and worship God. I mean to let everything go for him and let it all come through. No matter what I do I am out all day playing in the mud and filthily world. And every day I come home and there he is, our father, heavenly father is there with a new white robe to give us. I drop the old filthy one and don the new one. No matter how dirty he is always there for us. And I know I do not deserve it. How loving can one be to take me back every day? Every time? There is a plan for me. Everything has been laid out. He knocks when I think no one is home. He listens when no one else does. He hears what I am not saying. Even as many a times I have prayed that I not be forgiven, that I know I did nor do not deserve it, but I know that I cannot make it without it. I must be forgiven. He has let me know that I am. I feel it in my heart. Even with the few stains I still have. Always there listening. How gracious can he be? Wow how nice things are when living in him. My burden is not great enough. I feel too safe. So safe I do not do actions. Sloth...is that it? Knowing what is right and not doing it? Through him......this is what I hear a lot lately. Through his power, his grace, his righteousness. It's not about me. Let all who are hurting come in here. Go to him, he is a healer. I have never cried writing any of these until now. It is over whelming of his love. One day I will have to start giving back. He has love to give me. I just wished I could let him more often than I do. My senses are having fun. I am relaxed. I feel so good right now. At least settling into a peace.
posted by Tom at 11:41 PM
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but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint(Isaiah 40:31 NIV) And then one day a cow crossed the road. What a lovely statement about teh cow. It means nothing. I am really starting to like biblegateway.com as it is giving me more scriptures to think about. I have not picked up my bible in a long time. Well about two weeks I think. There is plenty for me to do but I do not get around to it. Tonight is good. Tonight I have CG. I need that lil spark back. Seems I have been non-chalaunt in my persuit of Christ....well accepting but not moving in it. But I have several things to be overwlemed with and just trying to get them from being huge burdens to something simpler. All is good in the state of Denmark. I wished I could do the underline feature on here. In the lord needs to be underlined.
posted by Tom at 11:16 AM
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Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Well after a long day of work, and anotherone to come it seems but not as long as yesterday. And I slept in longer than I wanted to again...Oh well.
I did get one email that on one of the stock photo places I got an email from them and they said they think my work could sell well on their site. Or I at least had some poential. I can make money on it but since its a free account I get no say in the price. If I pay $99 I get to set my own price they do all the selling and shippping etc and take 15% of the sale. SO now I have got to see when and where I can budget 100 to do this. ANd then start uploading more pics. Just havn't had time to sit down and look at it. Saw Crash last night....not a just watch movie. Very emotional. Ya loved and hated and loved the actors, well the characters. The best acting jobs I have ever seen...and Sandra Bullock actually ACTED. It really makes ya look back and think about relationships and hells that many people go through. It really had a great redemption story line or two. It wasnt huge, but it was a start to redemption. At least coming to grips with a few things. But the racism was thick in the movie. Also I felt better at work with my ipod I had some sermons stuff ad one of the lil 10 minute programs had something about relationships. I think I will re-listen again. WIth a pen and paper. But after that I started to get re-aligned I guess wuold be a good word for it. Started to anyways. Well off to drag my late butt into work. I hope I can reflect upon the observations from yesterday. I know I made several.
posted by Tom at 9:03 AM
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Tuesday, June 21, 2005
...lead to an amazing thought again. Once that better defines the next move. But I don't want to get too presumptious or think wrong of my life ahead. Its bad and it says so in the book of James. But I do feel better about it though.
I did wake up in ok time so now I wil go to work. I need to clean up some mroe at home. I felt better after getting a start on my room last ngiht. That and the laundry was done well not close to par. So far the car is working out nicely except I cannot open the trunk but I know why. I also hope that here soon I can start reading my bible and books again like I was. I have just been off focus but I think I found the onramp again. Now to get some time and take a road trip here soon. I feel the driving itch....sort of. Well shower n work time. Hopefully I wont forget to take God with me into work today.
posted by Tom at 8:00 AM
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Sunday, June 19, 2005
OK this has been too eventful of a week. And has drawn me away from god...at least by means of I have not been drawing to him as I should have been. But oh what a long week it was. Now I better start playing mr nice adult and do things right including drawing to God more often than before.. But even to reflect upon this week...I get word my car needs too much work done to it before it literally falls apart. I get financed for another car, I get a newer car (2000 sunfire), I get a very good deal on some lights and dark room equipment, and now I am broke as wizz. But I do have three books I ordered last week so mayhaps this will be a great week for reading.
SPeaking of I have not been reading the bible or any of the books, nor praying heartedly if at all lately either. I just havnt been. I have had some prayers but not the intimate ones I long and strive for. I may have made some unwise choices this weekend. I will soon do some math to find out how bad. SO there will be many things to deal with soon. Now whats on my mind is trying to get side jobs with portraits since I have the strobes now. But now that I have a dependable car try delivering pizza a few nights a week. But here is where I really must concentrate and pray on: The serentity prayer: Lord grant me wisdom to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I need a different level of accountability and I think I see it coming. Reading more about the war over Lust....who doesnt fight it these days. Just got a book or two to see things from a different angle. Then I am trying to clean up finances and get thigns taken care of soon....bottom line I should take this to God and concentrate on this. Take oit back to the place I didn't go to this week as much as I should have.
posted by Tom at 10:47 AM
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Monday, June 13, 2005
Ahh yet another day of being in a funk. Just general nothing happening funk. Best described as unproductivly productive. Even I do stuff I still feel I have done nothing. Here is something I wrote sometime last month. And I am still at a loss of words. I think I am somewhat over burdened about the future and the struggles I face during this transition.
I heard your words I saw your grace I felt your love You killed me I tried oh lord how I tried But I could not save myself If only I listened If only took it to heart For on that day you killed me Was the day you saved me My mind was filthed So much that only death to clean You call You call louder You call again with thunder You call until the Earth shook When will I listen? On life support I keep myself I still greive its loss Even though it pains me in sin As wisdom prepared her house She also told me to come Eat and drink the bread and wine To leave my ways and walk in understanding As James told I look at the mirror and forget As do I to your voice You love me You killed me to have a new life You give grace when I least deserve it But have I ever thanked you? Thank you for forgiving me and forgive me for not thanking you.
posted by Tom at 10:08 PM
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Sunday, June 12, 2005
I am not sure what is going on in my mind. Its just general traffic of all sorts of thoguths. And I am just letting them all run its course. I did not go to Sojourn tongiht. I just wanted a night to chill and productive...well I was somewhat productive but not to the extent I wanted to or needed to.
I have realized that the cleaniness and organization of ones life can effect ones mood and spirituality. If its somewhat chaotic and a mess (well cluttered) it can reflect that in ones day to day operations. Then on the spiritual maturity and life in general the word that keeps coming up is steward. And I do not feel I am being a good one at all. I am making progress yes but still take an occasional side step or back step or two every now and then. It is such a huge work in progress that I can only take it one step at a time and allow progress to happen as it does. But nor do I wish to boast about it either. It's a hunger that grows so it can never get fed completely. I do not know yet I know. The conundrum has started again....blah. Time to listen some more. My thoughts obviously were not done speaking. I do have another three books on its way to me this week. Two on purity and one on twenty something life. The choices I make now will effect the rest of my life. More so then before. But from here out yes this will change.
posted by Tom at 8:42 PM
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Saturday, June 11, 2005
Whilst I sit here and wait for the next part of the paper to come out so I can work. I sit here and sit in my sins. I cannot begin to fathom why I do them. Even though I know I do them. And know them while I do them. It is not the fact that it controls me, but that I do it over and over. I know it is difficult, but drawing closer to God should be all the reason to stop right? Yet our minds we cave in to these thoughts and bam its over. Sometimes we do not even think about it and just do it.
I mean isn't God worth enough for me to stop or alter a few behaviors. Sin, it's the I thing to do. Now in setting forth life. And looking back over the last month or two and the changes and all that has come to light into my life...Its everything, nothing, a lot, and very little all the same. In my prayers I pray for forgiveness, and then I retort as I pray I am not worthy of forgiveness as I will repeat that sin again. But I still let him know that I can't make it without his forgiveness. I need that drilled in my head over and over. Noprmally I would have lots of words or thoughts but tonight may just be one of the shutting up and listening nights. At least for my own views and refelctions go. Tomorrow I get to see the famous baptism service at Sojourn and then I can watch Family Guy an new episode is on. Many a laugh to be had. Yesterday God showed me his perfect timing and let me know of what is to come. I passed teh first grade and now things are going to get a wee bit bumpy but its a part of the growth process. And every now and then the closer I get to that I tend to get nervous and scared. When we start the gateway into heaven is so wide open. The closer we get the smaller the gateway is. Can go back down the wide door. But have to climb onto the door above.
posted by Tom at 9:19 PM
1 comments
Friday, June 10, 2005
When I think things are bad...I am proven wrong
When things are good...I am proven they can be better When I seek answers...they get answered, eventually, on his time It is funny how perfect God's timing is. Even when we do not see it. Today I wrapped up the book "Growing Your Faith" and now there will be a break in my friday accountability meetings. But there has been so much stuff come to surface that I may need a week or two to reflect upon them all and see where to go from here. This has been a roller coaster week really both deep, lazy, productive, and even painful. So now two nights of work might do me some good. But then tomorrow is already looking to be a busy day. But now I will be off sunday and Monday so I can take some quiet time and process a few thoughts. Before things get started into the next stage I need time to stop and look back over everything before moving onward. Then again I'm not stopping, just processeing so its not a step back or anything. I am still going over Ephisians 3:17-19. It really is some convicting stuff. Its so vast it is hard to know what to think of it. That is why I probably like it so much. The more I know about it the smaller I become next to it. Sometimes when God revelas everything to us and the timing seems too perfect all I can do is stand in awe of it all.
posted by Tom at 8:33 PM
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Wednesday, June 08, 2005
I just cant get over this verse. I have read it over and over and it is too powerful.
Here are the parts that stick out like mad to me: so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. - Ephesians 3:17-19 (NIV) To dwell in my heart...Oh how I have not let him in. Or get in the way of sins and do not hear him knocking. I mean dwell is a huge word. Its almost living, or find a home, set up base, etc. For Christ to dwell in my heart. Rooted and established in love...Love a cornerstone, a foundation? established in love, not have love qualities or follow love, or be love like....but established and rooted in love. A tree with rooots into love not the earth. Love more solid than the earth? Grasp how long and hoe wide and how high and how deep is the love of christ...I have a wild imgination, or I can. But this is one time I cant even try to begin to fathom the magnitude of his love. The closer I draw the less I know as the love grows faster than I can learn it. This love that surpasses knowledge...to know Christ and his ways isnt enough? To know what do do when or right from wrong? To know the cure for the common cold? None of these are greater than love? Love surpasses this too even? So what do I know of love? Not much. As it is being re-defined and more is learned in what seems every day. That now I do not know. It is vast, it is powerful. It is so much more than a four letter word that I grew up to accept. This verse is very deep. I am reading it over and over and still not even scratching the surface of this at least to start a basis for understanding. I read this in several versions, KJV, NKJC, NIV, NLT, NASB, but it was the NIV that stood out the best. I long for this love that is spoken of several times in these its deep man!!
posted by Tom at 1:30 AM
1 comments
Monday, June 06, 2005
Well 5 days off are nearly over. I miss them already. Was a fun event filled few days. Played Volley ball like mad sunday and now feel the day after pains. Feels so good.
Now I am wanting something to draw closer to in Christ. And topday i ran across a passage I wouild like to sit and meditate upon tonight. so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. - Ephesians 3:17-19 (NIV) This really is a deep passage. I looked this up in several other verisons but this one spoke to me the best. Had a good talk today about the whole mother situation. Good to know there are others sharing the same pain as I am. So there is support to go to when I need it. And even bounce off of. I see a few things I need to work on inwards, I still fall short of his glory and need to work on that. I can't blame no one but myself for the choices I make. I need to accept that more and more and realize I am so veryu dependant on him. And instead of taking things into my own hands or controlling things myself, I should let God take care of it for me. But its faith and love listed in the verse above that I might need to reflect upon.
posted by Tom at 12:19 PM
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Friday, June 03, 2005
Well it has been eventful thus far. Finaly 27. Saw a test to see what age you act, and it's close, very close.
It said I acted 28. And being 27, Yeah I guess I can see that. So then I grew up some thins year? Ok now I am scared!! 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. Back to reality, yeah today has been great. Very intillectual and spiritual. Guess it's time to do some growing up thinking. In Christ and life in general. This word "Steward" keeps surfacing alot lately. Who knows. But the next phase may have already started. As I seem to be in the middle of it all.
posted by Tom at 6:55 PM
1 comments
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
It's amazing how answers come to you. God works in ways I, well anyone may never know. And for that alone Iam thankful.
Ok tonight I finished up "Growing your Faith" by Jerry Bridges. And near the end it really hit home. Almost as it was speaking to me, in a literal sense. I am still trying to understand the forgiveness factor and able to move on with issues surrounding my mother. I do not want to get hurt again but I have to let it go, let down my guard, somewhat, and put it back with God. Love and forgiveness. Matthew 6:15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. (KJV) "Give way towards Christ, apporpriate the blood of Christ to cleanse your conscience." Hebrews 9:14 But Christ was sinless, and he offered himself as an eternal and spiritual sacrifice to God. That's why his blood is much more powerful and makes our consciences clear. Now we can serve the living God and no longer do things that lead to death. (Contemporary English Version) And on love: 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. (New Living Translation) Through Christ and through Love. That seems to be where the answer lies. I have a feeling tonight will be another heartfelt prayer. Have I forgiven my mother, I don't know. But love requires that I keep no record of wrongdoing. She did me wrong, I feel wronged, and hurt, betrayed...the list goes on. But keeping that mark may not be truley forgiving her. More to ponder. But am I really going through God, through Christ? Well anyone else wanna raise their hand right about now? We are all in the state called "NO" I am getting wordy again. Time to shut up and listen. Obviously he is talking to me.
posted by Tom at 9:29 PM
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Well after some deep hearted prayer I have come to see that forgiveness is easier said than done. As in my prayer was how do I come to forgive my mother, It is hard to simply forget all that occured and pretend it did not happen. How can I forgive if the same thing is going to occur over and over.
And it hit me. God does. I know I have sins I commit over and over. So this tell me forgiveness is not human, it is godly. And one more thing I depend on God for, to learn and understand.
posted by Tom at 1:34 PM
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