 Thursday, March 31, 2005
I feel much better tonight than when I started the day today. After work I had a meeting to discuss a few things. And I was, thankfully, wrong about a few feeling I had about last Sunday. That and I got a much better understanding of how my website effects a few people. That and apparently I am very well known by name around church just from the message boards. So this is a good thing, well I like knowing that anyways.
So today was a great follow up and then community group was real nice too. A different person lead the discussion tonight and once again there was some very insightful input from many of us. So now I am feeling much better from the group, the meeting, and running home to take a violent, well potty break. Coffee makes me, well go more often. So tonights we ended the group with I guess it was a challenge for each of us for prayer. We each had to, well came up with something. Like mine was to not pray for myself, as much as humanly possible, for a week. So that I can think of others and focus away from my troubles. And next week we all will tell how it went and how far we each made it. So it ended with a nice healthy challenge for each of us. So I do feel much better now except for my car. From the noises it is making I hear that the c-v joint may go out at anytime now...this is not good. Especially that I do not have the money to get it fixed. about 300-400 dollars last I checked.
posted by Tom at 10:17 PM
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I don't know why but I am feeling defensive like crazy and I am not too sure why. I have a few ideas but now more than ever I do not WANT to let go of certain things. FOr example...
...this month's challenge is not to watch TV for a month. Sounds simple enough, but for me it's not. Actually I refuse to unless I get out with my camera but the weather and lack of models or people to shoot with limits me. Not to mention some times I am so tired after work and really don't have alot of folks to talk to or hang out with, so I just wanna take a two hour vacation, or even put on a movie to help me get to sleep since my insomnia is back again. I refuse to give it up as sometimes it's one of the only worlds I can escape to and not think of myself, or try not to. Then there is last sunday in which I don't think anyone understands why I left like that. While I was there I get this vibe I was making people uncomfortable and dit want to be around me. I can't half blame them but I missed out. Another chance I missed out on. I know I may be jumping ahead of things but I think I may not have a part on the making a movie with my group. Or a small part to help. Even though the previous weeks I was spitting out ideas all over. And even had a generic script to work with. So I started on my own film, just in case. I have had times where I was left out of things, so this way I will have something...just in case. I do not think I have recoverred from sunday at all. My cannot sleep right, my other foot is hurting, my sinuses have dehydrated me therefore hard to breathe, and I just have not been able to focus in on the bible or prayer or anything. I almost don't want to go to group tonight but I know things will get worse if I don't. It's hard to do anything when I can't breathe. Physically worn out therefore emoitionally and spiritually I am as well. So I shall continue writing. I wished I could think of how to take it to the cross as was suggested, but right now with the way thigns are I don't want to let go of the few things that, well at least help with the coping. Gives me a shelter zone I guess you could say. But letting go......I don't know. I want to be angry, I want to be justified, I want........I want it all to stop. So I guess this is the part of my journey where I walk in circles because I am missing opportunites all over, stuck in a rut, and feeling sick. I know there are sme folks out there that do not understand me and would as soon just write me off then get to know me. Or deem me evil as in 666 and satand and not from being human evil as in sin. I guess that's it, I am feeling judged, denied, uncredited, and somethngelse I cant find the words for. Then maybe I am getting in over my head? Letting things get to me that should't. Then I may not be to far from the truth. I know what Jesus would do, but how. It's not just open and read...becasue I can't get settled to read. How can he turn me off or down to a simmer? Please that would be great. Guess for now I shall blabber onward and see what I come up with. Then again, I just have not gotten over this weekend. I am weary in body in mind and soul So what am I defending? nothing. Well time for some food, and then community group, maybe I'll get some answers, or directions to go in. I miss praying like I did. It's just to hard to right now. But I miss it none the less. A lot
posted by Tom at 5:31 PM
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Wednesday, March 30, 2005
sleep I loose must I?
all night aw'ake no end near I hate the day next i sat in the pew i was not there was i you still forgave me to'day is here now yes'ter'day is gone al'ways let live now to'day you blog this blog that say no'thing at all you not yo'da blogs he does as i sit at work i dream of a new life with you your grace be with me Take it to the cross let go troub'les all of them Give them to our Lord he gave me this life to learn to love and serve him oh how i want to he came to die for us all i need to be re'mind'ed for sin'ners we are how to spell per'fect je'sus christis per'fec'tion you spell it je'sus
posted by Tom at 1:20 PM
2 comments
Monday, March 28, 2005
Well after some good feedback I got today I at least have a direction to look forward to. Just got to see how it will happen. I hope to clear from my last post even though I felt dranined I still want to go every week weather I feel up to it or not. Its just more of a challenge here lately than I would like for it to be.
Well since I wasnt in the spirit that I felt I whould have been and God sensed that, he made sure of that. SO during communion right after I dipped the bread I dropped it. SO I wasnt able to partake in communion. So maybe then it is God's way of telling me to work on this before next week and see what a difference it will make. That and gave me an direction to go in so that I may look to resolve it. And relaly feel a part of something and celebrate with others than be in a daze. So no communion yesterday, a new answer today, and so hopefully it will lead me where I need or ought to be. One step at a time. Journey on. sojourn.
posted by Tom at 10:53 PM
1 comments
...outside of church that is. I wake up now drained on Sundays and am pretty crappy at church, I have just enouhg time to wake up, shower, maybe eat, then go to church and straight to work. I hate sundays, outside of church. But becasue of feeling drained the sermons do not reach me like they could.
I hate holidays. I was told Happy Easter so many times today I was sick. Why must everyone force happiness on others during holidays when the holidays are not nice to some people? Its always a time for friends and family and for me its either work or being alone. So needless to say Holidays bum me out. I hate them. I hope that in Heaven there are no holidays, well a lifelong one that's ok, but to have this forced upon me.....I loathe it. So today I was once again upset, tired, and hungry and the sermon didn't help as much as it could have. It's not anyone's fault. It is how my sundays are now. I hate that. In fact I got the sign it was time to leave. I left right at communion. It seems God really was watching me. As I could not really feel the spirit or get into the celebration.......people were screaming and extra happy "He is risen" and I could not change my mood at all. But in communion after I dipped the bread in the wine I dropped it on the floor.....this was my sign not to be there so I left, went to taco bell, and went into work. Got a small head start and watched the rest of the game. I was very out of place today. I hate feeling that drained before church. I cant find another job so I am stuck with this one putting myself through so much mentally and physically. Anyways after I ate I started feeling better. But still the damage was done. My group was to serve hospitality today but I left. I dod nto know until I got there and was so unprepared. I was not in a team mood, I just wanted to run away from it all and I did eventually. During service the songs for like 98% of the time I stood there like a rock uneffected. So in a nutshell, I was out of it, could not get into the celebration, god knew it, made sure I did not partake in communion, and so I left and went into work. I have my days, some better than others. But mostly, I suffer and am trying hard to get out of it. It's draining my soul. I hate not being able to listen to my body because I must work. I hate being mean becasue of it. And when people call me mean I give them what they want. Especially when it's the same cutsie behavior I have seen so many times. I grow tired of being used just as a friend and nothing more. I would love to slap those people that do that to me. No one at church does that. This weekend was soo great until work. I had fun friday helping some folks form sojourn move. I had fun helping with the Jeff St. center and getting the place ready and cleaned up. That I felt good. Then saturday got here and it all went away. I am getting back to ok now. I still hate sundays (drained after work), and holidays (because happiness is rubbed in my face when everyone has and I do without) Yes I am angry but don't I have the right to be? This is my journey, and this is where I am at, an all to familiar street I want to get away from. But so far I am not doing so well.
posted by Tom at 12:15 AM
3 comments
Friday, March 25, 2005
Well once again another holiday snuck up on me and I almost missed it. Well no I didn't. In fact this is the first time I celebrated it...if I recall correctly. Tonight there was a breif sermon to mark good friday. It was short, and very to the point. Still moving. And I don't think they watered down the wine. It was a bit strong...not that I am complaining.
But it was very strong. I do look forward to Sunday's service for Easter. I had hoped to watch the Passion tongiht, and I still might. But it takes a certain mindset to watch it. So I am not sure if I am up to it or not. But knowing someone went through all that is just mind boggling. I would more than likely benefit from watching it again. Today was a very long day and so wil this whole weekend be. I have a paper to write to prove a point about swearing or choosing an audience in conversation. I do not want it to spark anything I just want to show where I am coming from. I have a few ideas how to carefully word it. Today in my weekly accounability meeting we discussed it on a few points. So who knows what may come of it. I shall start writing it tomorrow. AS then I can have a clean start on it and nothing else going on. Since today I had company over twice I did some cleaning. So now the place looks presntable...well to select people that is. Then after the service I went to help one of the other memebers do some moving. I really do not mind it especially when there are several people doing it. It's fun and a team effort so it feels so much better. So needless to say I feel beat and feel great about it. Outside of cleaning today I did not spend alone much at all. Which was very cool. Which God answers when we are ready to ehar I guess or accept life on his terms and not worry about things. In fact it's getting to a point where when I see prayers answered I do not even want to think about them, just accept them and move onward. As now I get ready to meditate where my life is, I stop to look back at the last near 40 days. And how much now things are in motion and how differently I feel about certain things. And how I act now. Also I am feeling I can see sin in other means now. For one no matter how much I sin God is still there. Or gives me another challenge. Also when we fail to live like Christ that I feel is a sin. And looking at so much the world of today has got us in good. Maybe these thigns are not meant to be solved in a day, but set in motion as God's hands molds the lump of clay my life is into the amazing jar he wants when it is done. So maybe it's time to stop, invoke James 1:19, just silence my thoughts and let God take it from there, just let it soak in? Maybe it's time to just be, Just be Tom. My dear brothers,take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry (James 1:19 NIV) He died for us a very brutal death. So maybe I can listen if for at least one day.
posted by Tom at 9:10 PM
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Thursday, March 24, 2005
Well last night may have been another first in dreaming. Either it was a very long dream or I had three seperate dreams where the smae thing occured. And each time I knew I was there before. It was very dark and creepy. The last dream was normal as after the event my dream went back to the regularly scheduled randomness. Alas now I have forgotten most of it but here is what I recall of it.
There were several sopts on the world where you could go to the hidden room and go through a ritual and be forgiven for your sins or what have you. In the room you had to walk down some stairsa and then jump onto a ledge as there was a great hole, well an opening. And then there was something oven like and that is what you eiahter made sacrifices to or something. I remeber it was hot, very hot and the center of it seeemd to go all the way down to hell. But the openings you had to jump over was very dark and seeemed very deep, as if light would not reach it. I did not go to this place alone, there were at least one or two others ther each time I went. The third time all I recall was screaming, lots of screaming. And that time I was scared of the ledge as I wasnt the previous times, or as scared anyways. Now the urn looking furnace (oven) was weird, it seemed bronzed and old very antiquated. But what was it? Was it a ritualistic place to go do whatever to be forgiven? I can't recall the effect it was supposed to have on me but it did. And my knowledge of it grew each time I went. It did not seem holy but evil and very occultish. It did not seem right. So why was I there three times? and why on the third time was I taking somene there instead ofthe prior two times someone took me. Each time the room was exactly the same. Now I do not ever have dreams like this. I have had Lucid dreams yes, I have had very long dreams yes...but to feel I had three seperate dreams wit this? I know I wake up in the middle of the nights for bathroom break so I do get interupted in dreaming. Or even if this is one long dream (seems most logical) why did I have the same even threee times? I really hope to recall more of this. I wold love to analyze it and see what its saying. Or what it means. Might be nice to go back in time and ask ol Joseph what it means.
posted by Tom at 9:08 AM
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Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Now time to reflect all the differnt things I have heard this week. One point made was it's not what would jeasus do it's what would jesus HAVE ME do? Which I can see that point.
As looking at the bible we know what he would do. But do we do that? Well thats the case in point right there. But rather maybe we could look at what would he have us, or myself do? This is a very good point and I am not sure how to answer. Becasue after I got feedback from Lorie, a new point has been brought up that leaves me into pondering. Which is getting to know him more than we do. Thinking about it, I do spend (as well as so many others) alot of time trying to figure out what we can, or would, should, could do that we tend to froget about knowing him. Instead of knowing how I should resolve issues or resolve them....why not get to know the lord and his heart...what is really behind it. And when we start understanding God and wanting to become more Christlike then things start to change. We are commanded to love one another as we would ourselves, but if we only love ourselves to think about ourselves all the time then how can we love others? Many thoughts are coming to me on this so its hard to sort them out. But what I do get out of it is maybe stop being as self focused as I am and become more focused on christ. I guess this is where I would need to lear to submit...to simply accept his will and let it be? But i still want to hold on to a life I feel God wants me to have no matter if it is his will for me to have it. That's how I feel about it sometimes. I guess that is letting go of my current masterof myself. Once again I bring myself upon a dream, well a fantasy of bowling with christ. Just me and him bowling an all nighter. Just chillin out and bowling. This way if I get angered at anything he says to me I iwllhave a heavy ball to throw and take it out in a positive manner. He will be here next me so I know he is with me. And talk very brisk, honest, and to the point. That would be nice. going bowling with Jesus. But back in reality the closer I get to him the more I see him in the mirror. THe more I feel him in others. The more I see him in others. Before I ramble on too much furhter I shall ponder on the feedback. Looking away from myself and getting to know and love the one I want to serve.
posted by Tom at 10:54 PM
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Monday, March 21, 2005
Yesterday was a good sermon while it lasted. And it was only my fault it happened that way. Then again there were a few factors working against me. First off I wake up after 3pm, had just enough time to cook and could ntoeat but a few bites, shower then go to sojourn.
When I get there I realize I forgot my wallett. And knowing I had to go to work without time to get ready or an hour or two of "me" time to space out and prepare for it. So wake up, eat, show, church work.....my day was already over and it just begun. So since I could not eat I got a headache and became easily irritable. Then my sinuses decided to start getting clogged so it was hard to breath during service. I almost had to start breathing through my mouth. So it was hard to focus and let it all in. And the sermon did hit home very well in one of the verses we read. Then after sermon where we all socialize and grub on junk food I just wasnt there becasue I knew I was so close to having to be at work I just was not in the best of moods. In fact I was so upset I walked away in the middle of a conversation and left. So I went home got my wallet and sat down for a few minutes and prayed. Then went into work. Well so far the good news is I got out of there in good timing around 2:30 so I went home and to bed. Now today I woke up around noon so I have time to wake up, clean, chill and plenty of me time and devotional time before I go help out at the homless shelter tonight. And this is good. But yesterday I could not get the sermon to sink in like it could have. Even though I was feeling a mood change and good there for the first few minutes of the sermon. So sermon went in and then went out. Work at night is so draining. But now on to the sermon. This is what I shall meditate on and bounce around here for a few days. Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many of you were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. (1 Cor 26-27 NIV) The underlined part is what hit me. I can't seem to influence my closest friends or family sometimes. We are all hard headed. And I fell that If I cannot help them then I will loose them. If I ask to know if they can be saved or not then that is the same to ask who goes to heavan or hell. And I don't want to know either. But if I cannot persude or influence my closest to Christ then who will? Or am I to? How can I? I guess this is where my internal conflict and struggle will go for a day or two. But I guess what is best is ti live by example....and I am still far far far from it, but I am much closer than I have ever been. .meditate
posted by Tom at 12:18 PM
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Saturday, March 19, 2005
I was reading the other day a real nice verse that went along with somehting I was trying to get across and now i cant find it anywhere. I looked for several minutes and still did not find it. But I know it in there somewhere. I found it in my devotional, it told a story and then gave a verse to back it up. I hope to find it soon, becasue it irks me.
But now looking at where I am today, to where I am going this I need to sit down and inventory. There is alot that I want to do and a lot I need to fix first. So I guess Ill take the first steps now and give a gerneal glance of where I am. Back when I was in high school I dreamed of becoming a chef, moving to louisville, going to SUllivan and then graduation, get a good job, settle down, find a woman, marry, children, happily ever after. Fast forward a few years. No graduations, no nice paying job, single as ever, no kids, and well happily lasts in short bursts. Well the job factor, well I have one but I cannot seem to balance things financially well as I would like to. I really need to learn to be better with my money and save more. I need to learn self denial more often (aka discipline) in order to make that happen more often. Pay bills and get out of debt. I just grow tired of having this bad credit cloud hanging over me. And not just for me. If I am ever to have a family, I need to be good or balance with the finances. For family. First I know I need a woman but that is now a new battle. FIrst I need to control my lusts more often. I have come along ways but I am tried of lust controlling me. it is very hard to say no to it. I am making progress bur it feels good to look at a woman and not lust after her. And from my last relationship I hope to not let it win as sex became all the relationship was about. And I hope to get away from that. I want to repsect my wife and love her to. Then I must learn to love and be more self-less. I must care for others and learn to love and patience if I am to start a family one day. Actually while im reading this devotional and learning from sojourn every week....its time to take responsability....and I mean seriously. On a new level I have never thought. As for the bible, the way I understand, the men are to be responsible for himself, his wife, his children...and here I am thining of myself so much. Now I must fix my issues in order to take care of a woman and a child and have a family all the while taking them and myself home to God. I guess I really do have a lot to look at as all this time I thought I could handle a relationship etc.....but I am far from it and now I am seeing that. I may not be one of these people that have lovers all the time. But I may be one to have a strong family that is worth it all in the end. It's more than having a companion...its family and that is something stronger, so much stronger. As my childhood family was broekn, I hope to have a strong one one day. So from this day I pray I start with my and grow outward. I must do better for christ, for me, and my family. Labels: 20crisis
posted by Tom at 12:11 PM
1 comments
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Tonight's community group was very good. There were many people out either sick or just didnt want out in the traffic as St. Patty's day in this town means certain roads are near inaccessible. But those of us that were there really covered some ground and faced some issues. This was great. And we all had something to agree on with each other. In fact really not being alone.
But for me on a personal level I got some feedback I have been waiting to hear. Feedback that will have an effect on the outcome of my christian and professional life. It seems that my photography website has caused concern among a few people. So my feelings were correct. I thought I was steering some people wrong. Unfortunatly I did not get all the details but enough for me to ponder on. I rarely ever get that good feedback, even though it was on a spuritual level from the commuity. And the concerns were most valid and when I was bveing told, I was being told with honesty and love. This was great. I could have been told it was the worst site ever, but how it was presented I can see it, and understand it. Hopefully I can soon get to finish that conversation to better understand, if anything where to go from here. I already have a few concerns over it with me faith growing here lately but I dont want to stop it cold turkey. I work with what I have got and photography is a passion. In fact its one of the few events I find extreme joy in these days. But I have seemingly sent off a vibe that I am uncomfrotable with. One that saddens me. But im not down about it. It is something to work on, a direction, and a challenge. But the feedback really was about quality.
posted by Tom at 10:45 PM
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Well it seems that the answers are there waiting or certain things come to attetion during the most convenient of times. Such as last night I was typing up my story, of where I am and everything with Christ but I could not explain where I am now. Its "going back to what works" and Revelations 3:3 said it all. ANd then last ngihts sinfest, when I went to go do my devotional read the devotional page and Romans 6:14-18 which pretty much entails we are slaves to our sins but have been given power to walk away from them. Well some sins are habits and are formed into everday life and cat shake them off. Sins are habitual this is for sure. After we look at them as something we just do....its too late. But easier said than done. Its just the timing factor in all of it all that gets me, I do this and then I read that to counter or match.
posted by Tom at 7:40 AM
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Wednesday, March 16, 2005
I was watching the news and a rapists that killed several people in a courthouse where he was being charged, I think. Well it turned violent and he killed many people and then went on the run. Now he forced his way into this young womans apartment and he did not kill her, it ended peacefully. This man wanted to give himself in and did so, he went peacefully. And now I hear that he was read to from "The purpose driven life" the devotional I just finsihed not to long back. SO a man went from killing 3-4 people and npw wnats to give himself to christ or start down that path.
I was so glad to hear that, aslas his road may be short by the rules of man. I hope if anything he can live, if anything in prison for the rest of his life, but only so he has the change to redeem himself and worship the lord. He does work even in the most cold hearted people. God works.
posted by Tom at 10:28 PM
0 comments
As many know by now my disposition of working grave shifts. It sucks your soul away. Ito cool for short term, but after so long it becomes harmful, well not productive or good. And in this town, hard to drop like a bad habit.
In certain fields such as computers or creative arts etc you cannot quit a job unless there is another lined up. They are hard to come by. They are very hard. Well I am in one of these such jobs where there is not enough competition for me to get paid a lot Monroe or be able the threaten with leaving. So I am stuck until something comes along. And here is where God knocked on my door three times when I wasn't looking delivering me with good news. And two of the three have been followed up on. Now first let me think of last night's conversation I had at a community group I was visiting. I was speaking with Keri after earlier during one of her prayers I could very much relate to the content. We were talking about Jobs and "stick-to-it-ness" that we might ought to show more of. Its like a commitment like anything else. She is right, what If I cannot make a commitment to a job, what makes anyone, including myself, think that I can commit to god or a marriage? Very good point indeed. And from that I was thinking finding ways to make it work or deal with it more. Even though it was the grave shift factor getting me, but ya never know sticking it out may end up somewhere better down the road. That's the faith of it. Well three times lately God and jobs have come up in related context. First I missed my regular community group a few weeks ago and one of the members , who works for the same company I do, had gave me a name and numbers of one of his friends that is looking to hire for an IT related position. SO that's Job coming from a night of God....as he called right after the community group I missed. Then last week I was searching for a new Devotional Bible and was in the Christian books over at my favorite Barnes and Nobles. I had on my Ipod which has been a great conversation piece. Another customer was there and had asked me about it. Then after talking about what Bible I was looking for he mentioned that the company he works for may have a position come up. He asked if I worked in technology and the such. SO we talked about that. And traded contact info. And tonight I got a call from him to set up a meeting with him this Saturday afternoon. and then last week even I was over at Mr. Wallace's house and he said that in the L.E.O. there was a listing for Glamour Shots hiring. SO the next morning I sent them my resume. And later on that morning I was with Mr. Wallace again and we were in a Christian bookstore when I got a call from Glamour shots asking for an interview. Which I just completed today. So a job prospect in a bookstore, a call from a missed community group, and a call while I was in a Christian bookstore.....All three times God was related to the job prospects. So maybe yes the "stick-to-it-ness" would be great, but God has come to me with three different options. Yes I was seeking but these are the ones that came to me first, I didn't find them in the classifieds or anything......They were brought by God. I know in my heart I want to be thankful for this, in which I am, but it's loke Wow i'm not sure how to even react. Except tell others thsi wonderful story and not boast, not dwell, to accept it and move onward with what God lays out before me. Lesson re-learned, ya never know when God will be there and is always working. And will deliver you when the time is right.
posted by Tom at 12:12 AM
2 comments
Monday, March 14, 2005
Once again today was an amazing day. Well one with lots of info. I did attend a different community group, but it was just a cameo as I was giving a ride to a friend there. But there was a great difference in that group and mine, but still a lot of insightful topics were discussed.
Also today I was asked if I would put up my story online. This I am working on and its good so far. I finally have the third part of it ready to start typing up. Where I am and going. There is a lot more I want to share on here tonight, but I think it is time to let them all sink in for now. Think its time to absorb it. One thing I did get from tonight from a few others there was missing sojourn, and coming back after so long, you can FEEL the difference. Feels so good being back after you have missed it, so much it hurts to miss it. I have never missed anything like that when I did during those two weeks I was out. But the partnership class.....Its a challenge and a fresh start, a turning point in my faith and my life. Maybe this one commitment is a bigger one than I first thought. This commitment is small compared to many but the long run is a commitment on my life.
posted by Tom at 11:53 PM
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...I have been reading the book of Genesis a lot and Just got done reading about Jacob and Esau. Talk about a weird series of events. Jacob robbed Esau of his birth rights and pretty much did him wrong all the way around. But he got his. His Uncle duped him into working for him for so long.
In fact he worked seven years to marry Racheal, and the gave him his other daughter leah. SO jacob worked another seven years to have Racheal. And then even another six years after that in order to gain sheep and such. So here it is 20 years later he has two wives, several servents both male and female, not to mention flocks of several animals. He had enough he could split his camp into two. I didn't even mention how many children this guy had between his wives and servants. Child protection would love to speak with him if it were in this day and age. Well after 20 years he wants to return to his homeland and sends out for his brother Esau. But Esau returns the message with a great army to meet him. But when they meet Esau is greatly happy to see him again and amazed at his wealth and family they made up. It was that great love and bond that resettled everything. I don't know what Esau was thinking because as being human I personally would have still had some anger over what he had done to me. But then again time does heal wounds. This is true. But also it can be a crock pot brewing into something very potent as well. Now for my spin on this story is forgiving my mother. Over time and the closer I draw to God I am wanting to forgive her more. But I know that I cannot, do not want to get close to her again. I do not want to be hurt. And as a precaution I do not want her to have ANYTHING to do with my family. When I marry and have kids she will have nothing to do in their lives. She will not be a grandmother to my children as she was not a mother to her own children. Is this right? I don't know. I know she is my mother and we are commanded to love and respect but what about if she chose not to be a mother, then does this relieve her? Yes she brought me into this world but you don't walk away or put in your two weeks notice. We have to forgive yes, but we don't have to trust them ever again. All I really ever wanted was a Mother in my life, and all she ever wanted was to lie and get us to love her more than my father. Sorta like jacob and esau, apparently Jacob wanted his fathers love so much that he took what was owed his brother. My mother does not know the man her son has come to be. She does not know that I see thru her deception and care not for it anymore. I will have harsh and bold words for her this is true, when I ever see her again. How can I ever heal and get closure if I cannot get to a point of forgiveness? I have a feeling that just like my last girlfriend has settled herself for much less happier surroundings. Trailer trash. So a part of me wants to feel sorry for her. And another wants to rejoice that through the hell she put me through and hurtful things she said I have risen above it and through even my not so happy times I am above that and have moved on...but that may be to prideful of a thought. But this is how I feel. SO maybe I can learn something from Esau. I want to come up to her with an army fueled my rage and anger, but I want to love her just enough....but I don't want to let her in again. However she can visit me on the porch...so to speak. One day I shall embrace my "Sweet hell Alabama"
posted by Tom at 2:18 PM
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Sunday, March 13, 2005
wis·dom ( P ) Pronunciation Key (wzdm) n.
1. The ability to discern or judge what is true, right, or lasting; insight. 2. Common sense; good judgment: “It is a characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things” (Henry David Thoreau). 3. A. The sum of learning through the ages; knowledge: “In those homely sayings was couched the collective wisdom of generations” (Maya Angelou). B. Wise teachings of the ancient sages. 4. A wise outlook, plan, or course of action. 5. Wisdom Bible. Wisdom of Solomon. As I draw closer to God I realise wisdom vs foolishness. Where things I once thought were ok or of a second nature are now not as good or fulfilling. I have also come to understand foolish is only being unwise or doing something other than the right or best option. We have been given choice and two options wisdom or foolishness. At least that is what is on my heart as of now. When I bought my NIV bible I opened it up unkowingly to the chapter we had read literally a few days prior in sojourn. So needless to say it has had an impact on my christian life as well as was the omen, the sign I was to buy that bible. Come and eat my food and drink the wine I have mixed. Leave your simple ways and you will live; walk in the way of understanding. (Proverbs 9:5-6 NIV) This is such a wild verse. Easier said than done but it is one that has brought me a direction and one of comfort.
posted by Tom at 1:46 PM
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Well yesterday it wasnt as insightful as I would have liked for it to have been. I did read but it was surface reading. So I didn't absorb it as I wanted to. Went into nap time and then to work. Even now I am trying to stay up very late so that I sleep in very long tomorrow so that I can go to sojourn.
Woking grave shift does effect me more than I want to accept. I try to deny it until a new answer takes it place. But I feel that it is being layed out before me from God and I just need to connect the dots. Where as right now the choice before me is work 3 jobs for 10 weeks and have plenty of money to pay off my debts, buy a new camera, and fund a trip to New York. This would leave me enough time for church, accountablity, and some free time. But not very much as I would have to work 70 hours a week in order to make it happen. Well thats at 7.00 an hour. Now this would be good yes. Short term only. Now here is the next question that puts the difficulty rating higher... 1.) Do I need the camera now? 2.) Can I postpone the NYC trip? So these are questions that deal with patience. I can keep current course and pay off so much within the next few months. But I want out of my current job, want that new camera, and would love to be in NYC for my birthday. Since I havn't yet had one to remember. This would be good...but I think I need to learn a better control over my resources. In fact its part of the covenant for partnership with sojourn. TO be out of debt would be nice. But to pay off bills would be better. But now I need a better paying job to get caught up and to afford my photography habit/career. But getting a job I am hapy at is worth so much more than that. As now I am unhappy and putting my body and mind throuhg alot by changing sleep patterns so frequently. I need to leave this job and find a regular time position. I can't do this anymore. When I worked for Charter Communications grave shift I suffered for months. Now I am starting to suffer once again. But now things are changing to where I can start getting out, and searching alternative routes. Now I can surf at home and send out resumes, and at the end of the week I will have a phone to call out on. FOr the last few months I have had no outside contact when I am at home. Now I do. But what is God's path for me? To work my butt off for 10 weeks and meet my goal? or to be patient and wait some of it out? If I am to work for 10 weeks like that I pray for the strength to do it and make it through it all. I am learning it is coming down to choices and self denial in order to trade things off for something better down the road. But that is wasier said than done. I think 2005 will be the year of challenges and change. A time of healing I guess. Tomorrow is sojourn, a happy thought indeed.
posted by Tom at 5:00 AM
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Saturday, March 12, 2005
...I hope that today I can spend it in silence. Well at least until I go to work. I just got home from work and will wind down and then go to bed. Hopefully take a long nap and wake up after or at 2. This would be good. I think I will force myself to eat food here and not go out at all. Well I should at least to get milk, butter, etc. But May opt for not.
Why would I? Well becasue I think after today's insightful readings and discoveries I may want to just rest my mind and ponder, meditate, think...all that good stuff. Watch some cartoons and be in ease for a day. Take time and let settle the answeres recevied. And read more in the bible. God does have his way in answering prayers. THis is why.
posted by Tom at 4:55 AM
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I am starting to believe that work can take away your soul. But that is another topic for another time. Once again work got in the way of a good day or series of events. Or maybe its me working the late shift. But tonight is ok as I have equipped myself and ipod with Greatful Dead, Pink Floyd, and several celtic cd's loaded on the ipod. So the music is helping for once. WIshed I had a beer, single, to go with it. Might break the tension and allow work.
But today I got to voice several questions and concerns about my views and concerns about the membership at church...partnership rather. I did get some light shed on the matter that's for sure. Tomorrow is a day off all day no events scheduled, thankfully. So I can reflect some more what is happening. Thursday at group was good...just to be back. I really belive that last weekend was a turning point for me. I hope to be able to harness that and start making the steps I need to be taking. It does feel good to know I would rather be talking or meditating, devotional time to God than be at work...then again I just don't want to be here late. Working on Genesis, Psalms 50-51, and Ephisians. For now.
posted by Tom at 1:02 AM
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Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Well I can't find what I am looking for. I had started typing up one day pretty much my history as far as my faith went. And I can't find it. I want to add it to my site. Well I shall keep searhcing, I'm sure it's one of of my computers, usb drives, or cd's somewhere.
Last night I read alot in the new Bible. I'm trying to catch up. I want to have read the bible in a year and well its march, so I am a wee bit over two months behind. So I better catch up I guess. I was reading in Genesis about the first sins. Man this is messed up. I did not realize Adam tried to hide from God. Why run? And what was this tree of knowledge? If it has done what I think it has done then that would explain alot about the human mind. If we were to accept those rules God set forth then, we would truly be free. The more we know the less we know and the more that makes us doubt and double think and act foolish. And then Cain the first to act upon anger....what was up with him? He lied to GOd, knowing he just killed his brother, tells God he does not know where he is. JUst up front tell him? I mean God knows this already and even that did they realise what they had back then. If I understand this correctly God was around alot, and I mean ALOT back then. They Had God right there with them. Today we have God in spirit but not as they did back in the day. Send me back in time when they were and I would just stand in complete awe, AWE just knowing that here I am walking around Eden and Hey there's God!!!! I awas skipping around about Lot I think I see a few similarities. He was a man of bad choices. Well maybe unwise more so than bad. I cna relate to that as I know I have made a few uwise choices in my time and sue I will alot more. Leviticus seems to be a wild book. I skimmed over a part or two of it and will have to return to it with at least the KJV, NIV, and NLT, just to contrast the translations. Then I know there is Noah and his family, if all the evil of man was reset to zero, all but for Noah and his menagerie (i hope I spelled that right) how did the world get evil again? Did not Noah and his family teach each other well enough? Back to focusing on here and now. Setting Jazz music in the background has really helkped alot in creating a mood for reading. It has helped alot. Then so has God. I was expecting a real bad day Tuesday. And I felt I had a shield form all that. I still took a few hits but I made it through withough a bump or bruise. This is good. ANd I made sure to thank him for that in my prayers, at least I think I did, I was sleepy when praying last night. Now the partnership class one point that was brought up was praying for each other ad the other memebers and leaders. And I am like wow this means I will pray for them and be prayed for? This is wild. I like this idea of being there for each other. This creates unity. This is going to challenege me in many ways. In ways in which I welcome. It will be a long process. A work in progress. But I see it ...see gods hands molding me some more. The lump of clay I am, into the clay pot...or whatever...I am to become. Yes being in my mid twenties does suck at times. I dont get to have the fun that most others my age are having, partying, drinking, screweing each others brains out....but I am thankful that I am not. I have bene given more time to focus in on a few things. I definatly feel that this weekend was a turning point for me. The partnership class, talking with a few people on Sunday of the funk I have been in, getting the new bible.....well its all coming together. I feel different but I still have a few sinful aspects I partake of....cant get rid of it....well I choose not to for those times. But I still feel a presense. Feel something, someone there. Tonight will be a fun night. I have a plan that is in the benefit for a friend, and then tomorrow is my community group, and then friday will meet up and discuss with another friend the aspects of the partnership. This might help as I work grave shift all week which is very draining enough. But I'll make it through. I feel it.
posted by Tom at 12:00 PM
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Tuesday, March 08, 2005
While my master is gone I am free to talk. He came over to visit today. I hope he has no idea I am trying to serve another master. Because this would put his job on the line and to leave one master for another is to cause his death. I must kill my master to serve the one true master, God.
Ok now reality. I thought I would give a more poetic introduction. Went out last night searching for the bible I saw at the partenership class this weekend. I went TIA three different bookstores before I settled on a Bible. I was looking for a devotional bible one that could help me understand from a few extra angles. I got one from Promise Keepers, Its a devotional Bible for Men. Its called Men of Integrity. So now I have a NLT on top of the paperback NIV I bought. I still like that lil ole thick bible. The NIV...it's a cheap dirt quality regular paperback. Yet it has become very read. Now why did I choose the Men of Integrity? Because I feel that's what I want in my life. Feel that is where god is wanting me. I feel like he is calling me now to get a few things taken care of, time to stop playin around and get ready. Something big could be on the horizon, or maybe that is the only way to come closer to him, is in relationship with others, myself, and church, and ultimatly him. Well Let's see Integrity: in·teg·ri·ty noun. 1. Steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code. 2. The state of being unimpaired; soundness. 3. The quality or condition of being whole or undivided; completeness. Above all, my brothers, do not swear - not by heaven or by earth or by anything else. Let your "Yes" be "Yes" and your "No," no, or you will be condemned. (James 5:12 NIV) So when you make a promise to God, don't delay in following through, for God takes no pleasure in fools. Keep all the promises you make to him. It is better to say nothing than to promise something that you don't follow through on. (Ecc :4-5 NLT) A single day in your courts is better than a thousand anywhere else! I would rather be a gatekeeper in the house of my God than live the good life in homes of the wicked. (Psalsm 84:10 NLV) It's time to grow up or grow into God. Maybe we are here for relationships and balancing wisdom and risks and learning abhor relationships with ourselves, each other, and God. Relationships s are the connection...no THE connection. Time to connect.
posted by Tom at 9:28 PM
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Sunday, March 06, 2005
As I still stand looking at the mirror I can see the two still standing there, one clear and a feeling of bound, and the otehr a feeling a peace. Yet one I see clearly even thoug I see not what he does. The other is still standing there, non threatful and in peace.
I put on my glasses to see better. As I am just as bling without than I am with. I see that there is still fog surrounds the new man. The one that I wish to become, if only to talk to him. I try to speak, to wave, to get attention but cannot. The other person, the one that is clear is shouting so loud I cannot hear. Cannot think and has me so bound I cannot go to him. So I shall still seem him even though surrounded by thick fog and clouds it still feels good and right. For a moment I stop and look back at the one that has me bound. For he is my master. I am a slave into my own desires, sins, misdeeds, and foolish judgements. I am the one blocking the path. This mirror is the mirror of Masters. Thou shalt not serve two masters. I am serving one and trying to go another. In order to save my own life, I must loose it. Just as a Phoenix, will go down in flames to be born again to arise anew, so must I. Yet I already did that. I already had one watery death and arose new, but the same white slate can still get just as dirty as before I went under, but still never the same no matter how dirty after coming from the water. How can I wash this off? Wash away my master of myself. For the master wants to give me this new life and calls me to it. Yet I cannot seem to get away from it. I cannot break the mirror but can I walk through it. ALl in short, I see there is a man I am wanting to become and am becoming. But I am still holding back onto something. What I do not know. Being back at church after two weeks felt great. That and the partnership classes. Maybe now I can take the next leap into the mirror so to speak. I think tomorrow I shall call off my plans with a firend to go to an easter pagent. I'm sure it will be great but I feel I need a day of rest and reflection. I have a few things I need to make note of and learn to let them go and walk away.
posted by Tom at 8:11 PM
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Saturday, March 05, 2005
...still I dont like what I see. The outer looks bad but the innner looks good wanting to get out but I just can't let it be. I know there is so much to do and I guess I am really in a mid twenties crisis. Still to young to be taken seriously, and too old to be considered young....well somewhat.
Where does god want me to go? Why can't I let go and let it just be? What am I holding onto? What am I scared of? I am thankful for the unanswered prayers though. It seems that patience does pay off as I learn more about others and anything really. I really just need to emrace that more. That things do happen for a reason, and even though I cannot see them I should still take that leap of faith and let it be...but I just can't or don't want to let go. Even though I have no idea why or what I hold onto.
posted by Tom at 8:40 PM
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...I see two people once is myself as I am. Many layers, very difficult to determine what or who I am. Too many aspects and reasons for them all. Just too much to see from the outside, only after seeking inward a very long journey would I then be able to understand why I am who I am. Very twisted and complex man.
I see in the other reflection a happy man, much more simple, a follower, happy, content, and peaceful. There is a smile on his heart as well as face. But the views of him are very clouded. I cannot make out who or what he is. I see that in both reflections that of who I am and that of who I want to become, who I am being called to be...and netierh even clear nor cloudy can I truly see and understand. Two lives, two paths, I much choose one of them with blind faith. I know the one I want but and chained to the other. more to come...
posted by Tom at 5:33 PM
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