I don't know why but I am feeling defensive like crazy and I am not too sure why. I have a few ideas but now more than ever I do not WANT to let go of certain things. FOr example...

...this month's challenge is not to watch TV for a month. Sounds simple enough, but for me it's not. Actually I refuse to unless I get out with my camera but the weather and lack of models or people to shoot with limits me. Not to mention some times I am so tired after work and really don't have alot of folks to talk to or hang out with, so I just wanna take a two hour vacation, or even put on a movie to help me get to sleep since my insomnia is back again. I refuse to give it up as sometimes it's one of the only worlds I can escape to and not think of myself, or try not to.

Then there is last sunday in which I don't think anyone understands why I left like that. While I was there I get this vibe I was making people uncomfortable and dit want to be around me. I can't half blame them but I missed out. Another chance I missed out on. I know I may be jumping ahead of things but I think I may not have a part on the making a movie with my group. Or a small part to help. Even though the previous weeks I was spitting out ideas all over. And even had a generic script to work with. So I started on my own film, just in case. I have had times where I was left out of things, so this way I will have something...just in case.

I do not think I have recoverred from sunday at all. My cannot sleep right, my other foot is hurting, my sinuses have dehydrated me therefore hard to breathe, and I just have not been able to focus in on the bible or prayer or anything. I almost don't want to go to group tonight but I know things will get worse if I don't. It's hard to do anything when I can't breathe. Physically worn out therefore emoitionally and spiritually I am as well.

So I shall continue writing. I wished I could think of how to take it to the cross as was suggested, but right now with the way thigns are I don't want to let go of the few things that, well at least help with the coping. Gives me a shelter zone I guess you could say. But letting go......I don't know. I want to be angry, I want to be justified, I want........I want it all to stop.

So I guess this is the part of my journey where I walk in circles because I am missing opportunites all over, stuck in a rut, and feeling sick. I know there are sme folks out there that do not understand me and would as soon just write me off then get to know me. Or deem me evil as in 666 and satand and not from being human evil as in sin. I guess that's it, I am feeling judged, denied, uncredited, and somethngelse I cant find the words for.

Then maybe I am getting in over my head? Letting things get to me that should't. Then I may not be to far from the truth. I know what Jesus would do, but how. It's not just open and read...becasue I can't get settled to read. How can he turn me off or down to a simmer? Please that would be great. Guess for now I shall blabber onward and see what I come up with. Then again, I just have not gotten over this weekend.

I am weary
in body
in mind
and soul

So what am I defending? nothing. Well time for some food, and then community group, maybe I'll get some answers, or directions to go in. I miss praying like I did. It's just to hard to right now. But I miss it none the less.

A lot