 Wednesday, September 27, 2006
The roommate issues have settled but still have yet to be resolved. But that brings me back to the next round of fun. I am still getting my new mac up to par. Then I will be able to mace ready sell of my PC and imac. To be back to just one computer will be a wild thing to happen. This one has a few glitches, but thats stuff I can change eventually. I only need two more pieces of hardware and I will be where I want to be.
But that's all surface issues. In the realm of heart I am trying to get used to all the comments I have gotten from folks lately how my life has been a blessing to them in some way or another. Even encouraging. I am not sure how to take this. I know take it well that's for sure, but it is one of those things where I just do what I am doing, it is not I but must be the spirit working in me. So that is where the thanks needs to go and not to myself. It is good to know that people are noticing. That is always a good thing. These last few days I have slowly been coming back to God but no where near what I can or should do. My heart is just wanting to come back to here and me and that I already see a road to nowhere. But we shall see what comes of it all. But only one day at a time. Right now everything is on hold. From the dance classes to joining others at the YMCA so that I can start walking with people and start some form of weight loss. I also was planning on taking back up the photo course I started and was not able to complete it. That is now on hold again. All these things were cheap enough to handle but they add up fast. Just fast enough for me to see that may have to go to Rent when the lease is up In November. I guess this is where I need to trust in God so that I will not worry about things getting taken care of. After Sunday's results it should have been re-proven that things happen and present themselves when we are not looking out after our own interests. So why should any of this be any different? But reading the Proverbs the other night I started to see a pattern. I might even do an entry on it. It would be one I would most likely preface with a warning. In fact that might be a good idea. It has even given me a chance to look into my own life and see these things first hand.
posted by Tom at 10:20 AM
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Sunday, September 24, 2006
Tonight was a rollercoaster within itself. I woke and did my normal stuff. One of my roomates came home and I played the ignore each other game for a while and I did my normal stuff and then went into church.
I was hoping for a great sermon but I got a lesson by other means. Tongiht was a baby dedication service and a baptism. It was great. But I was still out of place. I was verry dragged down. It hurts knowing I have this much bitterness and anger towards my roomates who are christian. As the night went on things seemingly got worse. I went to talk to someone to meet up later so I could process through some of this. Well before my questions he had answers and was set on the answers. It hurt. I was needing someone to listen for a sec, nothing too deep but to listen none the less. But instead I got answers and not a sound of my question. This was my breaking point. I was ready to come home and get very drunk enough to take the edge off and remove a few worries if even for a temporary time. I planned to go to an ATM and then get soem food before I went home. I was close to home when I got a phone call from a friend who helped. He talked me out of that desire. Well reduced the desire by 90 percent. I made it to the ATM and then to a great mexican joint. I guess it is comfort food as that is how I used it tongiht. Instead of alcahol I got nice n full. It was so good. That is beside the point...actually I need to not use food like that either, but health is another toipic for another time. After I finished I got a call from one of the church elders I spoke with on my way out from servises. He commented that I looked like I was downed for the day. I commented yeah I don't know which is worse the fact I am am down or wanting to go home and get very drunk. Then I got in my car and left. He was concerned enough to call me after he got home. I told him I no longer had the desire. He told me that on the roomate problems he knows how it can drain you and it reminded him of a verse in Proverbs. There was no deep sermon tongiht, but there were several people that were there for me. After that phone call I went home and then there was the same roomate from earlier playing the ignore each other game, so I went into my room and read proverbs until I found that verse. There were many good verses. I skimmed through most of them but a few really stood out for me. Then I called the one who offended me earlier in the evening, the one with the answers, and we managed to have a great conversation. It did help put a few things into perspective. I let him know it offeneded me and such and we were able to work through it. That's all surface but is onlly the start of things. The matters of the heart are much deeper than that and where the journey goes from here. Talk about a struggle. This pop quiz, so to speak, is much larger than I first thought it was. Even in here sorting my thoughts the other roomate came home and the course of the night changed yet again. I hate having the hatred and anger I had inside for either of them. It really isn't me in any way. Well there came to be some free time as I went back to my room and took back to scripture. I invted one of the roomates in my room and we talked things through. We saw there were two paths the surface and the heart. WE forgave each other and are back to where we were. But we saw that there were still issues between I and the other roomate that needs reconciliation as well. So now that I was outside myself (as opposed to inside and prideful) I took the first steps and appoligized asn asked his forgiveness as well. This is the first I think I have ever specifically asked for forgiveness was with both roomates. I have appolgized but never took the extra step and asked for forgiveness. Last night one of the thoguths that came up was that even in marriage...that was all I needed to ehar. How to resolve conflicts and work thigns out. Liek this case it was not a major disagreement but the potnetial loss of two friends and anger building up and hearts hardeneding against two brothers in christ. But even in marriage there has to be two way communication. And after thigns worked out I saw that I was the one to make that first step in taking the new communication. I pray it works out but god's will be done, but I know that I have taken the first steps and that is comforting to me. THere may be secondary issues come up after all this is resolved or not, but that is another bridge for another time. I read nearly all the proverbs last night. That was a great help. There were some in there that hit home too closely. And some to come back to later. But in seeing all of this I know I needed support, wisdom, guidance, and opportunity and God provided them all. It was unplanned so it was not me coming up with the words when talking, so they must have been from God. I just acted upon what was on my heart and not put thought into it. So even to the words God placed them there for me. He provided me last night with people that cared and were concerned for me. People are picking up on me now. So I guess there is no more hiding from folks anymore haha. This is not done by any means and may be a part of a larger process. That's ok. One day at a time. It did show me several things in myself that I have not liked at all. One day I will look back on this much like the footprints prayer and see there are patches like this that are not in the sand but in the mud. And still there are only one set of footprints. Why does healing hurt and take so long? What a great part of the journey!
posted by Tom at 10:11 PM
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Friday, September 22, 2006
The more I sit and ponder this week's events the more difficult it gets. Even in my superfical or temporary happiness of a new mac mini, I still know there are some pressing issues.
Two Tom's: I can see that there really are two of me. The internal and external. And the way people have been communicating with me has been so different. They are seeing the person God has been molding me to become. Inside I know I am a hack most if not all of the time. I know that there are still many issues and such in this long journey. But even seeing that contrast shows me one huge thing. All of the internal struggles and discoveries and everything, is truely effecting the external self. And people are really picking up on that. Phillipians 2:4-11: Don't think only about your own affairs, but be interested in others, too, and what they are doing. Read full verse CLICK HERE. All these verses stick out. And in the current roomate situation none of us are doing such. But I know I can only account for myself and should follow this. And this is the difficulty. WHen i really wanted three of us living together it now seems I am called to live only as one with nothng. This goes against ever fiber of our nature and is very much a deep sense of self denial. How can I care about thier own requests when it seems very obvious that they care not of my own. Then to think of impirsonment such as Paul and otehrs in the bible (a bit extreme but it does give a good point) and how they had nothing and sthey still kept on in loving God and thier enemies. Seeing them as an example is encouraging but doesn't make it any easier. God wanted me back: In all this I was pretty much in a dry spell. Not dried up but was just running on fumes for the most part I guess. I would read scriptures of a good book but I would not come to CHrist for those said riches. I wasn't turing to him or taking that time. And I guess this is a way of him saying "Oh so you don't want to talk to me lately? How about now?" Well it has by powers not of my own, helped me regain much focus and want that relationship with him. Even later on the same night all this went down. I was called to help another. So it became a falling down, coming to check up on me, kocked the dust off, found no bones were broke, and calmed down...ok yer good now go forth here is a mission for you. SO I needed to be ok for me to be more there for another that night. But I needed to be taken care of first and I was. In return I was there for another at the drop of a hat. Even when I was seconds away form ordering a fudge brownie with ice cream....ohhhh man! It was worth not ordering it though. Anger is the darkside fo the force: That is what scared me the most I think. I have not been that furios in a long while. I have never been so mad I was shaking. Now a year or two ago my results would have been different. I would have went to a movie, after I got somewhere near a normal mind, just to numb it all out for a while and calm down. Which would be ignoring most of the issues at hand and only outs off the bigger issue. But I knew that I needed to talk to someone. And That came to be. It was a call that helped me get back on the road towards God. It was so evil and unhealthy the anger I had that night.I did not like that in myself. It scared me. But knowing that I needed to reach out to another in Christ, that is comforting. It was comforting. But anger is such a powerful force. Yoda is right we sholuld listen! ...anger leads to .... Most of anger is deep rooted issues with pride and selfishness. Now there are forms of healthy anger but I think only if the anger does not involve personal matters. We live in an angry world. We live in a world where grace is hard to find. We are evil and unfogiving and this is society deep rooted in us. we would rather control everything instead of letting God work. We punish criminals rather than helping them in repentance or chaning their lives. We want vengence upon them and not to change them. Just like was said in Take the Lead...we find somewhere to point the blame but the probles do not go away, we do nothing about it. Even in my situation this week at first I wasnted to get even and then one. Show them not to mess with me like that. This was unhealthy and I did not act out upon it. But the thoguht was there. It was very ungraceful. Two roads: In all this I can see the godly path to the situation and then my path. Two completly different roads and Even my back up path to just sever the connections and end it all, well it is not the most godly path. I feel safe going my own way to the solution, but knowng that the godly path would require a great mass of trust in God and accepting of his will. And this is more difficult than I would have ever imagined. It is more than a request but my emotions, felings, thoughts, and self are all denied in that path.I wold not even be a person and would be that of a slave in order to complete the task. U save U lose, U lose U save: But I know I must as it has even been said that any man who saves himself will loose and anyone who losses himself will find. So how can I be both spiritual and practical. As what was origninally asked of me (what set me off) was a physical impossability and I would be imprisoned in my own apartment. Pause: Right now the matter at hand puts everything in jeapordy for me. The dance classes and going to the YMCA with other folks from church and even resuming the photo classes are now on hold until this issues is resolved. But that is surface issues at this point. The greater issues of the heart is grace and self denial, but the most is seeking God through all of this. I have been listening to Nicole Sponburg's song Ressurection alot lately. It seems to hit home. the fact of in need of ressurection and only from God as I have no power. This is hard, I dont want to give anything up when the others are not comprimising anything. But that is not what we are called for. So Gd wanted me to come to him. Got my attention and there are two roads, God and the world. I just wished there were bridges between the two roads every now and then.
posted by Tom at 8:30 AM
3 comments
Thursday, September 21, 2006
A normal day really, sitting working,listening to the narnia soundtracks...but something feels different today. I don't know what. Feels a new day or something.
Just wierd and outta place...yet I feel in place where thigns are at, just feel different...I really dunno.
posted by Tom at 1:21 PM
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Ok thngs were sorta dry there for a breif while. I was seeking God but not pursuing God. Or vice versa...soemthign like that. I would seek a good book or scriptures but not God in the matters.
I was slowly coming around...or so I thought. But It seems that there was a huge pop quiz that threw it all off. To keep matters short I would say it was a serious roommate issue. And I have not got that angry in a long time. I was shaking I was so mad. I had to leave work as I could no longer focus in at work. I was enraged I guess you could say. Now this is where the difference comes in. I knew that I cold not de-escalate my self, so I made some phone calls. And there was genuine concern. I was able to meet with someone last ngiht and talk about it and gaiend some great perspective on the matter. It put the focus back on God. The focus I had lacked over the last week or so. Before I met with the friend I went to a bookstore and the smell was soothing. Went to the Christian book section, which was nothing but the mainstrem books and noe of the good ones, and flipped through a few of them. It hit me that this could very well be a test to draw me to God, and a test of Grace. Then later I see that in my anger however much is actually righteous or called for (I know I am not all innocent yet I am not the only one wrong) that this sia test of self denial. As the Godlike response and mine were not on the same page if even in the same library. So this is now also a test of self denial. There are surface issues and there are heart issues. I was so upset at the surface that I did not see the heart issues. But even last ngiht I was given an opportunity to help another in need. It felt great to forget my issues and help another. In fact for that while they all went away. Then after that I had a followup conversation with another friend and that was encouraging too. It may be time to seek new romates, but not time to end another friendship...at least this time I can't let the friendship go as it is a brother in christ and we are called to forgive. POP QUIZ Show Examples, in great detail, in your life: 1.) Grace 2.) Self Denial 3.) Drawing to God Turn in at the end of class (note: this is a visual example, not a request for readers)
posted by Tom at 7:59 AM
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Monday, September 18, 2006
I know this weekend I had a million points to make in a blog to help clear my mind. Today I cant recall even the first part of it. Funny how that works right? Well yesterday was another great sermon. For me it was more encouraging than convicting. But I saw that it did have an impact on some folks there.
In a nutshell the seeds that were planted have begun to come forth and how unpatient I am and have been. I forgot and given up hope on some of it and it came back to me. I get all nice in a book or scripture but once again I do not seek him for that. You search the Scriptures because you believe they give you eternal life. But the Scriptures point to me! Yet you refuse to come to me so that I can give you this eternal life. John 5:39-40 (New Living Translation) So this is where many of my troubles are right now, just not seeking him. But knowing that events in life keep coming up for him, werll it's hard to forget but I still manage to somehow. Just a nice lil prodigal life here huh? I am not the only one. I just wonder how many other folks at Sojourn have the same issue? Or the hiddeness that engulfs them when they are not at church. More to come...
posted by Tom at 8:14 AM
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Friday, September 15, 2006
Ahh Friday, The night shift day. Hopefully today I can...well I need to sit down and focus on what tasks I need to perfrom for the day. Yet I seem to have been so self-centered I could not maintain the focus.
SO last night before I went to bed I decded I neededd some focus on things. So I started watchign The Passion Of cChrist again. It has been since easter of lAst year that I last watched it. I guess I have come a long ways with thigns as I was looking at it breaking it down and it seemed to have more of an impact on me this time around. I was paying attention to Peter mostly and the human side of Christ. How Peter was still a flawed man and yet became a very big player in things to come. And even at that Christ put all he had into only 12 men to go out and change the world. Yes the world was smaller then but still a large world. And yet he only sent twelve. Even Peter who after he was told he would do it, denied Christ three times. And still was loved by him. I saw that I too am as human as he. I am a sinner as well. In my sins I see that common theme once again. Self. No matter the excuse for them as there are no excuses. I obviously choose to let certain situations drive me certain sins. ANd these sins and my self-centered heart that does not want to give up being selfish, is keeping me from loving him, myself and others. Right now I seem to be focusing on keeping him on aim but I'm still weaving in and out. In life there are two different friends right now and have two different ways of helping me. Both are somewhat unerving yet I see how self is slowing down the process on them both to an extent but then the message from both of them are different. One is wanting me to do more. Which would be me joining not only he but others in one or two areas of life. It may be getting on my nerves (due to self desires) but I see that he wants me to go deeper. The other I can see it two ways but one speaks so much louder than words. He is putting a conditional on our walk. And this sends the wrong message to me. Even in Galatians where it speaks of helping everyone especially those in christ. To me this sounds like we are not to care equally for those not in Christ. The way I feel on things is we are to love everyone the same and in the same ways (if possible) no matter if they are in christ as they too are a part of God and therefore the greatest commandment is to love him with all our heart and then secondly to love everyone as ourselves. It doesn't say go get a god's club membership first. Now if it comes down to a war where we have to build each other up for the battle that is one thing. No then again it is not. If we start putting conditionals on these things they loose value. But I do see one thing though, even as I try not to live in this conditional way and help everyone is that while I still live in this world (living worldly), this prevents me from helping or leading others. I counteract the holy spirit living and working in me. Why do I forget (like so many others) that one God loves us personally or loves me rather, that it is not our acts that will save us but our faith and his saving grace? I know that this month is going to be rough as things are changing but I may have let that become an excuse for the sins of late. It is time to focus now and not put a set date on things. A time that I need to find how to truly repent of these sins that have come back over and over or just wont go away. This is a time I need to work on my relationship with Christ and knowing him better personally.
posted by Tom at 9:35 AM
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Monday, September 11, 2006
I started my vacation in the world and not in christ. I ended it the same yet deeper away from Christ. It took a few days and I am slowly coming back out of it. More like I am being delivered from it not of my own power.
Relationally this has been such a rough week for me. Work is negative and only getting worse since the football season has started. This is and will drain me. I want to do the will of God while at work, yet I want out and be deleivered from teh physical suffering inflicted upon me every week. I am weak. I want out. But that is only the start of things. The world of relationships of all sorts have been on my mind this week. Looking back at all the role reversals I have seen how far things have come in the last two years. Looking at all the lives around me... This life of mine is not those of my family or friends, yet the life before me is the life God has given to me. The other lives may have had an impact upon me at various stages in my life. Yet they are not mine. I am seeing the life God has given to me. My path is mine from God. I am starting to see this now. Things have been hard but seeing these lives this last long weekend, I see that There is only one relationship above all to work for. And that is the one from Christ. the relationship with God. Even though I have been in the word I was just as welcomed back. Even knowing I would track mud in the house (so to speak) I was still welcomed back inside. Once again it is not putting too much into man but putting more and all into God. This is the next theme coming up alot lately is the relationships of husband and wife. After knowing that my parents did not have that biblical based roles in thier marriage, and seeing the relationships I have shared with so many others as of late...The truth of the matter may lie in between those pages. And only in there through and by God. For many years I like so many have beleived that if I had that one person in my life that it would help me through my pains and life. Which in turn I guess I put extra umph or expectations or rules onto the relationship. My uncle gave me a magazine this weekend that has a great article called Single and Not Looking....there was a great paragraph in it but the one part stands out: God will never give us anything to replace our need for His Presence in our life. Chris Burge And I know that I have been guilty of this for so many years. And seeing my best friend in his many relationships, he's good with the women (but then it's all based on sex), I see how I was. I saw externally how a life without God first is effected. Upon reflecting other tidbits today I was at the men's shelter with my weekly pc lab stuff and one of the female volunteers showed up and sat and talked with the director and I in his office. She was just beautiful. Not her physical body, well she was but I could not see it as I could only see her...I saw christ working through her. It was very moving just to be in her presence. She was telling us how she started going to a church where she is about the become a member. That the serom she heard on one of her first visits was on male leadership biblicaly. And hearing her talk about it you could tell it had a profound impact on her. So sitting there listening to a christian female perspective on this was just a blessing to listen to her. Just feeling God's presence at work in her life. Then I started thinking about another conversation I overheard one night after service. It was me and another guy listening in on two women talking about the same topic. In fact one of them said guys you might wanna take notes on this. This was one of those rare moments where we (men) get to hear the inner goings on of women. The conversation from what I recall of it was about the strong leadership yet gentle leadership from a man. These two words don;t typically go together but I can see that this may be lacking in many of today's roles. Then at my lil dance movie party just hearing some of the women make comments when certain parts like that laedership issue came up...it was like I should have been taking notes then too. Even another blooger even did an entry about dancing and leading on the dance floor. And myself about the dancing as life or in relation to our walk with God. There seems to be a pattern here that I am picking up from the women. It's sorta funny cuz us men aint supposed ta listen. Man that sounded liek Rabby! haha But seeing this all as relational is something to be taken seriously. One how we rlate to one another is the aspect not how to relate to our spouses...yet it is a part of it. But that we not forget it is God is our relationship. This is where things get tricky for me. One I did not see this strong godly relationship between spouses when I grew up. Just a nasty divorce. But When I see these blogs and hear these comments as such, I see a greater role for me and a greater love gven in return to them. But this should not replace our relationship with God. Marriage as in today's world.... I am and should be furious and outraged as society has lied to us about marriage. It has robbed us of something far greater. Even in relating to one another. Sadness should flow all around. Yet God is showing me there is something far greater than I have ever imagined. But which relationship do I seek? On the bigger scale of all things and in relation to all people. Even in my desire to not end up like my parents in marriage...God is showing me the way in just relationships. All of them and not just a mate. He has let me know that this is my life and no one elses. This is what he has given to me. My pains and sorrows he wants them too. All he wants is my love in return. AS mentioned in sermon yesterday we forget too often that he loves us, personally. He is showing me many times and in unexpected places he wants me. All I need to do is follow. Seek him. And make him the greatest relationship ever. All the other relationships...well they are secondary yes, but they are also loving God in return. There have been an instance or two where I have been called to help others personally here lately. I have been alled to walk with them in a cartain area. Even now in my heart stirs a passion or some thoughts of a cartain type of minstry. Something is stirring inside, and I am seeing God at work in my life. I have been called ...Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine...Isaiah 43:1-2 (New Living Translation) I have been called.
posted by Tom at 10:08 PM
1 comments
Thursday, September 07, 2006
This has been a very long weekend for me. And it just doesn't stop. This morning I was drying my hair after a shower and pulled a muscle in my upper left shoulder. And it hurts. So I will be drugged up on some powerful meds again tongiht at work.
But Saturday I started my small vacation with a series of road trips. My car is excellent! It can now take over 400 miles to a full tank of gas! What a trooper! So gas did not eat into my funding as bad as it could have. But thats just a bonus of it all. I started the trip in the world and not in God. I still feel shallow or just going through the motions. But more now I feel displaced. I know I am here but I feel elsewhere. I observed alot this weekend and saw those I held close or high regaurds are as flawed as ever. I could see works that come full circle it seems. I can't, well shouldn't go into names but I could see how the tables have turned for some folks. Even my family. SO this leaves me with where am I now? I wish I felt better to unpack it all. I really need some good time with God but it feels so self centered and shallow and the world keeps taking me back in. Then its hard to do sitting in pain and having too many thoughts running wild. DUring the first 5 hour trip I had some good talk with God. I felt it was good but it just wasnt moving. I was on my way to east tennessee for my family reunion. I have not seen them in two years. So this was a great time. But there were many folks not there this time. I did see one cousin I had not seen in, over ten years I think. He has lost alot of weight. I heard his story and just saw the results. It was great to see it since it is a story close to mine. He is just a tad taller than me and the weight I want to be at, he looks good. So this gave me a great vision of what I will be at my intended weight goal. But there were others in my family and the language was, well I was on guard from it. I guess they were as human as anyone else. And I don't like using the term redneck, but I have to with some parts of my family! I so wanna laugh at it trying to figure out how I came from that gene pool! hahahah THen my dad was even there and he and one of my great uncles gave me greif over the razor lost its way to my face. That was just funny. I told them straight up I just didn't want to shave. Then again I have only ever heard one comment on my beard, so until I get a serious comment I think it will stay. But on a serious note I just observed my family's interactions and such. I did notice more new cousins, the young ones are all having kids. And all of them girls it seems. So we need some boys and considering the track record of my family I will produce a boy! But that is another story for another time. The next leg of the trip was back to Nashville where I got to see my brother and neice. She is just adorable. She is just a cute lil smiler! Then I got to see my dad and step mother for a while and chilled out with my friend. This is the part wehre things got deep. In total watching friends and family this long weekend...I see that their lives are not mine. I see the events God has layed before me and those are MY journey. Those that I look up to or are in relation to me (family, friends, etc). The past is what has molded me into who I am today. But that is not where I am to live or to repeat. I guess that should help me put things into a better perspective. This is my journey and what comes of it. It is not my life it is the one that God has layed before me. How to live selflesly in love and serving one another is ...well that's a nother topic. But it looks where I need to be heading. From what I have gathered this month will be tough on me. A very long september. It will be a month to get things gathered. October will be setting the stage. I will be taking on some more intense fellowship and studies I think. THings like Dance, walking, a class, and then everything else that is already on my plate. Then comes November. I will then try to take a two day retreat to the monstary down in bardstown to get away and focus. Then Come back and as Captain Picard says "Make it so!" By then I should have a more clear direction of where I should be going according to God's will.
posted by Tom at 4:59 PM
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