Tom Branch - Roads of Faith

The more I sit and ponder this week's events the more difficult it gets. Even in my superfical or temporary happiness of a new mac mini, I still know there are some pressing issues.

Two Tom's:
I can see that there really are two of me. The internal and external. And the way people have been communicating with me has been so different. They are seeing the person God has been molding me to become. Inside I know I am a hack most if not all of the time. I know that there are still many issues and such in this long journey. But even seeing that contrast shows me one huge thing. All of the internal struggles and discoveries and everything, is truely effecting the external self. And people are really picking up on that.

Phillipians 2:4-11:

Don't think only about your own affairs, but be interested in others, too, and what they are doing. Read full verse CLICK HERE.

All these verses stick out. And in the current roomate situation none of us are doing such. But I know I can only account for myself and should follow this. And this is the difficulty. WHen i really wanted three of us living together it now seems I am called to live only as one with nothng. This goes against ever fiber of our nature and is very much a deep sense of self denial. How can I care about thier own requests when it seems very obvious that they care not of my own. Then to think of impirsonment such as Paul and otehrs in the bible (a bit extreme but it does give a good point) and how they had nothing and sthey still kept on in loving God and thier enemies. Seeing them as an example is encouraging but doesn't make it any easier.

God wanted me back:
In all this I was pretty much in a dry spell. Not dried up but was just running on fumes for the most part I guess. I would read scriptures of a good book but I would not come to CHrist for those said riches. I wasn't turing to him or taking that time. And I guess this is a way of him saying "Oh so you don't want to talk to me lately? How about now?" Well it has by powers not of my own, helped me regain much focus and want that relationship with him. Even later on the same night all this went down. I was called to help another. So it became a falling down, coming to check up on me, kocked the dust off, found no bones were broke, and calmed down...ok yer good now go forth here is a mission for you. SO I needed to be ok for me to be more there for another that night. But I needed to be taken care of first and I was. In return I was there for another at the drop of a hat. Even when I was seconds away form ordering a fudge brownie with ice cream....ohhhh man! It was worth not ordering it though.

Anger is the darkside fo the force:
That is what scared me the most I think. I have not been that furios in a long while. I have never been so mad I was shaking. Now a year or two ago my results would have been different. I would have went to a movie, after I got somewhere near a normal mind, just to numb it all out for a while and calm down. Which would be ignoring most of the issues at hand and only outs off the bigger issue. But I knew that I needed to talk to someone. And That came to be. It was a call that helped me get back on the road towards God. It was so evil and unhealthy the anger I had that night.I did not like that in myself. It scared me. But knowing that I needed to reach out to another in Christ, that is comforting. It was comforting. But anger is such a powerful force. Yoda is right we sholuld listen!

...anger leads to ....
Most of anger is deep rooted issues with pride and selfishness. Now there are forms of healthy anger but I think only if the anger does not involve personal matters. We live in an angry world. We live in a world where grace is hard to find. We are evil and unfogiving and this is society deep rooted in us. we would rather control everything instead of letting God work. We punish criminals rather than helping them in repentance or chaning their lives. We want vengence upon them and not to change them. Just like was said in Take the Lead...we find somewhere to point the blame but the probles do not go away, we do nothing about it. Even in my situation this week at first I wasnted to get even and then one. Show them not to mess with me like that. This was unhealthy and I did not act out upon it. But the thoguht was there. It was very ungraceful.

Two roads:
In all this I can see the godly path to the situation and then my path. Two completly different roads and Even my back up path to just sever the connections and end it all, well it is not the most godly path. I feel safe going my own way to the solution, but knowng that the godly path would require a great mass of trust in God and accepting of his will. And this is more difficult than I would have ever imagined. It is more than a request but my emotions, felings, thoughts, and self are all denied in that path.I wold not even be a person and would be that of a slave in order to complete the task.

U save U lose, U lose U save:
But I know I must as it has even been said that any man who saves himself will loose and anyone who losses himself will find. So how can I be both spiritual and practical. As what was origninally asked of me (what set me off) was a physical impossability and I would be imprisoned in my own apartment.

Pause:
Right now the matter at hand puts everything in jeapordy for me. The dance classes and going to the YMCA with other folks from church and even resuming the photo classes are now on hold until this issues is resolved. But that is surface issues at this point. The greater issues of the heart is grace and self denial, but the most is seeking God through all of this.

I have been listening to Nicole Sponburg's song Ressurection alot lately. It seems to hit home. the fact of in need of ressurection and only from God as I have no power. This is hard, I dont want to give anything up when the others are not comprimising anything. But that is not what we are called for.

So Gd wanted me to come to him. Got my attention and there are two roads, God and the world. I just wished there were bridges between the two roads every now and then.

3 Comments:

Jason Ramage said...: Just curious, where are (or were) you taking dance classes? I've been taking some introductory courses at Continental Dance Studio out near Mall St. Matthews. I'd like to check out that You've Got Rhythm place that one of the seminary girls recommended. Sounds like they try to teach a lot in their group classes and I like the idea of saving money.

Also, I'm copy-and-pasting this from what I commented on Brandon's blog. He was also talking about going through a dry period so figured it might be encouraging to you too:

Anyway, I just happened to stop by and pass on an observation from an EWTN podcast series I've been listening to about Mary. The last one was about the seven sorrows of Mary, one of them being her separation from Jesus when he was in the Temple and she and Joseph had to hurry back to Jerusalem to find him. Well, you know the story... the point being that sometimes God withdraws his presence from us so that we can yearn for him and pursue him. Then when we finally get to enjoy that closeness with Jesus, like Mary did when they found him, we experience renewed joy.

They also quoted some saying that God pursues those who are away from Him and runs away from those who are close to Him. I found that to be an interesting thought. He doesn't want us to be in the same place, although growing in Christ isn't promised to be an easy or pleasant experience.; Sunday, September 24, 2006 1:01:00 PM
Anonymous said...: Tom,

I can definitely see God's hand in your life! I know there are still struggles, and we all have those, we all need Christ. I think believers notice sin more than others, so I'm not surprised that you feel like there are two Toms. Really, that's probably a good thing, a sign that the Spirit is workin great things in you! Just in the brief conversations we've had lately, I can see that. And in your actions.

I really like reading your blog. It's a bit on the personal side, and so sometimes I don't always know what to say, but I can relate to a lot of what you write about. It really is 'A Journey Seeking.' I've been very blessed by your thoughts. Just wanted you to know!

Love,
Your little sister in Christ,

E.; Sunday, September 24, 2006 2:31:00 PM
Tom said...: Well for one the two Tom's is a very good thing as one (internal) effects the growth of the external that many are seeing and commenting on. The external is the one that God has been moloding me into.; Monday, September 25, 2006 12:43:00 AM

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