 Sunday, July 30, 2006
AS a child the story of Samson was pretty much a guy who got a hair cut not of his will and then smashed a bunch of pillars and killed some bad folks. That was the story.
Now after reading I see that is not the case. He is a normal guy. In fact he has some issues. A practical joker that was too sarcastic, lustful as he could not say no to the ladies, an angry guy and a few more flaws. But he was still used in God's will. So tonight during fellowship the comment was made "God uses effed up people" (yes the word uses was effed I am not censoring the F word) and my reply was yeah and I am on the list. Just knowing that imperfections are still used for God and his will. Tonight's sermon was good. It did help me to get a few things in perspective. At least I felt better about a few things. I know that my struggles as of late are due to me not seeking God. I am not running from him yet nor am I running to him either. The other day one of my roommates started watching the 10th anniversary edition of Clerks. Now back in the day I could watch it a dozen times and think nothing of it. Now I watch it and I was offended and could not stand more than 10 minutes of the movie. The language was horrible. Now it was great dialogue between the characters that I will admit. Yet is not something that I wanted to hear. One of the main character's had a total lack of manhood about him. Three years ago I would not have seen it. Today I see that he does. My sensitivity is growing back. I guess I was away longer than I thought and got de-sensitizes to more than I thought. I feel good right now and want to serve somehow. Maybe I will go and pray for some folks. Tonight one point that got me in sermon was that God has started works in me. I can see that and right now feel that. Even when I turned from him or did not seek him he was still there and never left. Even taking a scientific or atheistic view I can see he never left. As if there is a higher power, with or without a persona (God), that no matter what I did the higher power or being was always there no matter what. So the next time I feel God is not there I hope to remember this fact. That if he really wasn't there I would not exist nor would the universe. Now let's dance the night away. I'm serious. It seems I hit something with the last post. Dancing really does parallel life and how we relate to one another. I tried to look into dancing before and it just did not work out. I was scared and nervous and still am a wee tad, yet I am not scared of it. I still want it. In fact whenever I hear goody two shoes, Mambo number five, or any jazz for the most part I get moving...You will see me at work boppin to the music. That is a funny site to see and one day someone will see me and laughs will be had all around. Now that I have seen there is more to dance than just the moves. It is a change. Even the essence of your very manhood is called into action. Well I let the idea slip for a while as I need to get finances taken care of. And I see that with some help and a bit of tweakage I can do it. I can afford it. At least on the dance floor. But internally God has already started the dance lessons in my heart. I am starting to see it when I am not busy blocking the view of reality with my own deeds and self. Maybe I can start a dance ministry at church one day. Not just dancing but biblically applying it all and learning how to relate to one another. Well can only go one day at a time. And one issue at a time. To learn intimacy I must learn to become intimate first. For many years that word was so dirty it was so often associated with xxx and porn and the like. Now I see it is deeper than that I have been duped for so many years and missed out on this wonderful word. With intimacy in Christ you find identity in Christ. I am seeing identity and know I need that intimacy first. ***Update....For some odd reason I was wanting to serve some way or another after service. So since I had roomates while they were gone i cleaned the place up, vac, dusted, dishes, sweep, kitchen....still debating on the mop job. Sometimes you don't have to go anywhere in order to serve.
posted by Tom at 6:46 PM
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Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Now that I have had an evening of ponderings I can actually collect a few of the thoughts from last night. If you have not seen Take the Lead, I would suggest doing so. It has a good message in it and really opens you up to thinking about dancing. It is still an urban kinda flick, but it is a feel good flick in the end, at least it was to me.
In the movie Antonio Banderas is a ballroom dance instructor that becomes a teacher for some detention students. Well there is always that one jerkwad of a teacher that believes its all about students knowing math and not how to relate to one another in life. He puts the heat on Antonio's character and he now has to answer to the PTA who was about to fire him. Even though he was a volunteer. Now when he was able to talk, in fact he had to force his way to talk as Mr. Jerkwad tried to not let him, he mentioned several factors of dancing. If a man can learn to give respect on the dancefloor how would he treat women? If a loner type student learned to dance how would he work with others? He had many great points. The best is for the men learning to respect women in different ways. He was teaching some NYC high school students so sex was pretty much atop of their lists. After hearing this the parents started to listen. He even gave a demonstration with the principal (female). He won the position all over again. Just to think of how one could relate to women (ok this is taken form a mans point of view) to take the lead and headship. As the point was made in the movie it's not just about dancing, its about applying it to life. I have wanted to dance for a while, especially after I saw some swing and Jive. Now let's put a different spin on things. Now another fellow blogger Christine has made an entry on her dancing escapedes. For those that know her just think of that song "Maniac" from the 80's (she's a maniac on the dance floor), at least putting her in that music vide is just funny. I bet my good ol' pal Rabby would agree. But to the point check out her entry here titled Divine feeling of being led by man. It is a good read and really hit this from a ladie's point of view. So guys if you are listening take notes......WOMEN LIKE THIS STUFF. But let's slow things down and put a lil christinaity on this. Where God calls the men to become the leaders. Now even on the dance floor, just think if that were life how do we dance? I mean life not the dance floor. Even from the movie and reading one of the last lines from Christine's blog is that dance is not a change or becoming some one different. It is learning about yourself and control. How one relates ot oneself and then relates to others. And then taking that, harnessing that energy and knowledge, and applying it to a partner and anyone in life. This isn't Dirty Dancing here at all. In fact it is still very encouraging. Just from watching the movie alone. There is some history, very brief, but it tells where dance came from. Here is the kicker that gets me about the whole thing. Even in taking this to life, realationships, and godly headship (in a relationship) was that when the warriors came back from battle and were going to celebrate the victory they were expected to dance and take control. If you just won on the battle field you now were to come back and win on the homefield. I beleive I got most of that right. I need to watch the movie again to make sure I got it. But those just wanting to get out and learn some social skills or those who want to apply dance to life, I would highly recremend it. I am making it a goal instead of a dream myself. Now how to do it I know I can, but doing it, that's another aspect all together. But the male headship in the walk of the christian man is still a heavy topic. Another blogger Jessica had made an antry after a hiatus that really hits that same point. But this time from a females point of view. Click to read Strong Women vs Weak Men. Now being a guy I have heard the other side more often then the one she heard. Yet however she is right. In a nutshell many women get the end of the stick that they are too dominate or strong in a relationship and therefore do not live up to godly standards in a realtionship. Like dancing both have to work at it. The male still has the bulk of the stress with most of the moves, yet the women still have to follow as if they do not follow the male cannot lead. It is a dance. It is not about leading by pulling a lady that does nto want to move. When a woman wants to move she has a certain flow to her. Men really should take the lead but that does not mean change her speed. Women are to submit to their husbands as stated in the bible, yet the men are to submit to thier wives. Try dancing to that. Men want to move fast and women want to move slow yet at a pace. The man is to slow down to her flow, earn her trust and lead her into not hot pace, but thier pace. Let me submit to her while she submits to me and together we have our own pace. Even then both should not focus on the other in this dance, there is only one dance they should worry about. And that is for God. If either focus outside that box, things start to happen. In a godly relationship it is not finding a man to lead, it is not about finding a woman to support and follow, it is about following God and making that the first most intimate relationship. Follow those standards and laws set by God with the life of Christ. In fact one of the comments to a recent blog of mine said: God wants all of you first. When you can let go and trust Him, become completely satisfied where you are, God will surprise you with the most precious gift of all. But, first, God must be able to trust you to keep Him first at all times. When you have a wife, it is easy to put her above all things. Ask God to be your complete satisfaction. He will. When dancing this dance why do we not stop and think, Lord how do I dance this dance with you? As in the life he gave us, how do we live it? How do we dance it? May the lord help women support and build up men, may the men learn to lead yet not lead unto themselves yet lead only to God.
posted by Tom at 9:22 AM
4 comments
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
I guess these last two days have been, well godless but knowing his presence was there when I wasnt ignoring him. There is much I should be praying on here lately. It seems that I am about to really have to walk with others along my journey and that well is a dunno. Right now there are many thoguhts flowing through my mind and it is hard to collect them all. At least to form cohearent sentences.
In a nutshell the lack of intimacy creates lack of charachter. I see that the lack of intimcay with God is creating a barrier from the identity I am seeing in him. And from what I have felt and see, it is a whole different Tom. I have looked over my budget a few more times and I can afford to take the dance classes I wanted to. But it will take a month or two before I can start that. Everytime I listen to Goody Two shoes from Adam Ant or Mambo#5 from Lou Bega I get all jumpy at work. I want to get lost in songs like that for hours. In fact at the wedding this weekend they had some jazz playing and the uber breif reception. And just standing there I got to feeling better by the minute. I can't wait to learn how to swing and jive and all that jazzy type stuff. I have liked the music but never got into until I saw the movie "Take the lead" After that I got very interested in it. I did ask around and look into it but got discouraged when I saw how much it would end up costing me knowing that I am not under that much control over finances right now. I just cannot save or get ahead, but I can make ends meet. Now this weekend looking over finances, I see that Hey if I want the dancing, I might wana try and earn it. Realy set a goal. Get my expenses down and do some lessons 3 times a month. Then after that for a while, reduce the lessons to a monthly membership yadda yadda yadda. That way I can say I feel I deserve or have earned the dancing. Actually that is a dangerous thought within itself, as it should be knowing that I am paying thosw who I am in debt to first before I spend on myself. I will be doing both at once but still it is a first step. .................. more to come
posted by Tom at 10:02 PM
1 comments
Saturday, July 22, 2006
These last few days have been different. I have been able to sepak with a few folks about certain issues. It has helped a good lil bit. Hopefully it will all come together and work as a whole as several different people with several different issues in my life I am seeking them on.
I think I have come to the descision that ALL and I do mean 100% of the dating sites from yaho, match.com, eharmony, and the rest of them ALL DO NOT WORK and are a waste of money. Then I have heard of those who play are the ones who get the prize I am not a player. It seems that even searching for "Christian" women on these sites still keep me at ground zero. I am slowly coming to the fact that God will have to provide if I let him. Most likely someone at church (any church) or through a mutual friend would be the way things are meant to meet. There is hope as today I am going to a wedding. Looks like the last one I will be going to for the year as no one else I know is having a wedding anytime soon. So I get to look sharp again today! Oh well just ramblin now. I need to wake up and collect thoughts later. I am feeling a tad bit better today.
posted by Tom at 9:44 AM
3 comments
Monday, July 17, 2006
I went into sermon yesterday finally at a place where I thought I could view my current faith status. And then the message hit upon those points. Actually the songs were much closer to home than the sermon.
Where I was is that I looked upon the person and the life I was encouraged to have. From a career, family, and God. It was like a huge mountain as so much more has been brought to me as things to work on in my life that is preventing it all. In fact it was a huge mountain. This mountain will require much change. In my heart I do want a family. I do want to learn what intimacy is in my relationships. I am starting to see that I do have an identity as I am seeing how others communicate back towards me. I want to break the cycle of pain that I have suffered since childhood from my parents divorce. I grew up just terribly. My father was there for me and my brother but that was food on the table and a roof over or heads. Anything else I had to find elsewhere. And then my mother not even in the picture, well that hurt just the more. Seeing my pain and suffering over the years I keep seeing glimpses of a better life. Not a perfect life but better. Where as I become more of a godly man and eventually husband and father. I want to break the cycle and lead my children to God. Bring them up young in Christ. Give them the chance that I did not have. And to become that husband and father, a parent that I never got to see in my life. The man that is on the mountain is strong as I am finding out I am weaker that I ever imagined. The man there still has his days but his days are not without God. He not only lives a life that others can see as Godly, but also tells others of God. He has learned to love and to serve genuinely from his heart. Sitting somewhere near the foot of this mountain it is as if there is an angel there blocking my way. I asked him Why can't I go furhter up? Why can't I go paast you towards the goal? The angel replied "It is not I who is keeping you from crossing. I am not sayong you cannot go furhter. I am saying that you won't go any furhter as you are living contrary to the goal." I am not being blocked from this change. I am being told that becasue of the many sinful choices that I make are in fact taking me backwards from this person. This is in fact what I am being told. This is overwelming and such a condemnation it feels at times. It just seems such a long ways to go. But then that is the message I have been getting in several places is to take time and keep working through it day by day. Ye yesterday early in the sermon I came to a point where there cannot be condemnation without salvation. You can't have the chicken w/o the egg now can you? Here on the one side are all the changes or ways to become and if I not I may risk the chance of hell. Yet on the otherside I see that there is a way to achevie that which is through christ. But that walk is much more tha living christian, as was said in sermon yesterday as well. But it is LIVING christian. So where am I at on this? I know there are a few major areas I need some work on. I did get one area of that started on. I hope to hear back formt hem by weeks end. That is one area. I should not get discouraged yet take things one day at a time. Which is what I shall do. I know that when I see these snapshots or glimpses of who I am becoming, it is confroting to see and then when I realize I am slowly becoming that new man.
posted by Tom at 10:03 AM
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Saturday, July 15, 2006
I really do not understand the tug of war raging witing me spiritually where its a light switch I can go Hot to Cold in zero to one and back. Sitting here today I am frustrated and angery slightly for some odd reason. Nothing stands out really. I do not know why.
I have been reading some new books and have more on the way. Pretty much all about sex and realationships. It is not as perverted as it sounds but it ranges from past, family, relationships ahead and held with others and taken from a spiritual and psychological standpoint. Even reading last night I see this new thoiught or whatever emerging. It is the snapshot I referred to in the last post. The more I think I am doing ok or NOT BAD the more I get comfortable with that, until I catch a glimpse that I am far worse off than I imagined. And this is from a normal or ok state of mind and not after some deep contemplation and meditation type stuff. I saw this glimpse of the mountain I will have to overcome. And that itself is overwelming. And trying to reach out to others to ask for help or even to hear me out, if even to understand ot help with the spiritual principals, I reach and do not grasp. This only adds to the mountain as I may have to walk it alone. No one to bear my burden with me. This saddens me and angers me at the same time. The road will be long, hard, and alone. I have tried a few phone calls and sent several emails this week to no avail. Ok good now that I have it down I think I know a part of what is bothering me. Yet another verse that I guess is convicting yet depressingly overwelming. Isaiah 59 there is a problem--your sins have cut you off from God. Because of your sin, he has turned away and will not listen anymore. All this from sin. We are always sinners so does this mean God will never hear us?
posted by Tom at 7:15 PM
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Thursday, July 13, 2006
Well so far I have been in the job market for 16 months trying to get in the door of somehting I love to do. And so far I get to feel stuck at a job that is to physically demanding of my health and sleep. I have tried part time (side) jobs and even some that would be full time, even some that the pay would be extremely lower with a foot in the door position and all of them do not happen.
I have found a few real good photography jobs this year so far. All of which were false hopes. Some would look great and then hear nothing back. SO I stay where I am at. This does get frustrations and then adds to lack of motivation for the art. And yesterdays even, even though I was upset, I could see a parallel to within the situation. The night before I was really getting ready. I was searching my old notes from class, putting together a portfolio for the first time ever. I really liked my beard too. No clippers only a razor, so needless to say that took some serious time to shave. It was a close shave too. Did laundry that night, printed off extra copies of resume and refrences, set my alarm clock, just getting in the zone. WOke up went to the interview, it was raining so traffic was crazier, but there was one guy who let me over at a crucial point! Someone is looking out for me making sure I am there on time! What a good omen I thought, well god happening rather. I make it in and we start the interview. The first thing was asked if I had an associates. they forgot to mention that you must have one for the position. Technically that ended the interview. Not even 30 seconds it was over. This was the fastest one I had ever had. When I walked in the room a few seconds before there was my former teacher there. It was good to see him. But then I quickly realized he too was part of the interview process. They did appolagise and then asked if I would like for the to review some of my stuff. I was more than glad to. It was the best professional level critique ,from someone who knows the field, that I have ever had. There were lots said but every bit was encouraging. Never did they turn me away from things, they just said I would need an associates, shoot shoot shoot shooot shoot and shoot again, the biggest thign was experience, even shoot the mundane things too. This would only take one thing...time. This does paralell my walk with God as well. I know this road will take time, practice, and discipline. They did not turn me from that road but they did encourage me towards it. In thinking of the paralell I see that snapshot of the man God wants em to be. I see that snapshot a great many a times. Here is what I get form it all. The Tom I am is a work in progress. The world does not want just good old Tom. All know him when he is around and is the first they forget when he is away. He just is. What the world wants and who God molds him to be is that of a Super Tom for lack of better words. The journey will take time and down the road when we look back upon now we see there are two Tom's, one of the old and then the super of the new. When I first started going to Sojourn I was asked to tell my story, in breif, so that I could gain access to the message boards. I told him it was a "Prodigal return" where I was away for a while, still kept memories of home and such but remained away seeking answeres. And now I was on my way back. The journey back is longer than the journey away. Where that when I see that I am back orhave been back to that ploace I cannot define, justto be back will be worthy of a feast. It is better to have one come back than one who has been there everyday. I may be paraphrasing that part but I do beleive it fits where I am at. One day if it is his will for me to get a career in photography, it will be joyous. One day when that Tom who is strong and firm will be joyous to have come back or come to rahter then having it that way everyday. I am not upset at the interviewers yesterday at all. I am upset at not getting the job. But I am trying to hold on and focus in on God who right now seems to tlak by telling me NO to everything, it seems. I have feard my desire has become an idol so for now I do not know.I could get upset with God for not sending me a memo and telling me somewhere near the neighborhood my path is going to be for him. But I wil just keep suffering day by day until that day comes. I can;t write much any more as I am getting angered just thinking about my work/sleep situations. I can't even complete a sentence now.
posted by Tom at 10:11 AM
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Wednesday, July 12, 2006
I did not get the job. In fact becasue I did not have an associates, I was out right off the bat. So the interview was technically over. However they did offer to look over some of my stuff and gave me some good feedback, the most comprehensive I have ever had. So it was not a complete waste. Just a tad down is all...but still there is hope but it is far off it seems.
For now it remains a hobby. Living a dream a fantasy of being a professional, only taken as an amatuer.
posted by Tom at 11:39 AM
2 comments
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
I don't recall ever trying to get this prpared for an interview. In fact this one is more like a pop quiz, how much do i want back into photography. i have had a very long hiatus and so want to be back. Tomorrow I may have that opportunity.
I really loved Photo 1 and 2 when I was able to go to JCC. I did not care about any other class but those. I have had many fun times and decent projects. Some are hanging on my wall as we speak. And then after a very long dry spell I hear of an opening for the instructor for that very same class. Photo 1. I go in for an interview in the AM. I do not know much about protfolios so I threw one together as best I could. It is more of my work in Photo I. Its at least some sort of graphical representation. Then I may get to pimp my website in show even further what all I can do while I was in the program. But does this make me enough to be a teacher now? It is a fun challenge I would love to take. I would be relearning while I was teaching. It is a great opportunity and I can work it as a part time job and not interfere with my current job. Now I fear I may be getting too wishful again. I would liek this job, but I ponder if this is the job God wants me to have? Is this this direction? I should be thankful but I should not be anxious about it. But I cannot help but to. Maybe photogaphy has become an idol in my life and I do desire a job in that career. Who knows. I know there is a desire to have a somewhat happy job. This would be a secondary job so it would be supplemental income which would be a good releif right about now. Help me get a nice head start. Ok I just did the time taking task of shaving. I actually liked where my beard was. It is character I think, at least since it does nto ever grow in completely. Oh well now my face is nice n smooth... I am going to take nyquil tonight to get some sleep. Start a sleep ritual for the evening to get tired and then pass out. I hope to be up real early at work, to leave for the interview on time, so I hope it does not rain until much later in the day after that. But if it does, I will prepare somehow. Ok shave, check, clean clothes laid out, check, resume and refrences printed, check, portfolio, check....ok I think I am ok so far. But to pray once again, that I follow God's will and that I follow his lead tomorrow. If bad news I just fear I will take a spiral down, and get that trapped feeling again with my current situation. One day at a time, and seek God. I pray there are folks near me that will help me run to God if that happens to be the case. I know all I have to offer is myself. And that's what I am running wit...well offer what self god wants me to offer.
posted by Tom at 10:44 PM
1 comments
I had this feeling that there was a point where one could repent over n over and all that stuff, and it come to living two lives it seemed....
1Shout with the voice of a trumpet blast. Tell my people Israel of their sins! 2Yet they act so pious! They come to the Temple every day and seem delighted to hear my laws. You would almost think this was a righteous nation that would never abandon its God. They love to make a show of coming to me and asking me to take action on their behalf. 3`We have fasted before you!' they say. `Why aren't you impressed? We have done much penance, and you don't even notice it!' I will tell you why! It's because you are living for yourselves even while you are fasting. You keep right on oppressing your workers. 4What good is fasting when you keep on fighting and quarreling? This kind of fasting will never get you anywhere with me. 5You humble yourselves by going through the motions of penance, bowing your heads like a blade of grass in the wind. You dress in sackcloth and cover yourselves with ashes. Is this what you call fasting? Do you really think this will please the LORD? Isaiah 58:1-5 (NLT) Even taking fasting for repentance or sinning....I feel the same can and does apply.
posted by Tom at 12:44 PM
0 comments
Monday, July 10, 2006
Looking back this week has been a tough week. it has been emotional and stressful. In fact tonight was good, It was much less stressed and just got a good time to chill out and rest a lil. To accomplsihment was doing the partner directories for church. They turned out so much better than i originally planned.
I have been able to get back into some scripture but seemed to still go back to pleasing myself in many ways again. It gets hard to think of others many times. Especially thinking of God. What a long week. I am not sure what this week is ahead of me. Well Wednesday I have an interview for a great position. It is only art time but it would be teaching the very same photography 1 class I took at the community college. That would be a great return to photography. But I stil pray that I seek not hte job but that of God's will. I hate getting myself all nice n happy thought filled when then it comes crashing down with a no later. So we shall see. In light of my revelations from last week, I may hold off on them or add to them...who knows I might even just come up with a book n it....self published online of course. In light of it all, it will be and is a great transformation. And I mean great not as in supa fly cool wonderfullness, I meant great as in vast, deep, heavy...a process. Nothing simple that's for sure. And most of that is my rebellious human nature. I would rather serve or please myself than to call upon God. Last week was wierd, there were times I wanted to go running to God to protect me from whatever it was, and then there were times that I wanted to be left alone to do my thing. Kinda odd how that wokrs huh? Oh I had a wild dream again last night. I can't recall most of it but I was a theif or there were some gangs after me, something about it raining and then seeking shelter in a mall, and something about an 18-wheeler truck and the bad guy behind it all was in it. Oh well who knows. Last ngiht I did something and now my shoulders/back muscles hurt like crazy. I think I will go grab some good God tme before bed. He has given me much this week to reflect upon. I know things can be done, things will change, just not of my own power, only his.
posted by Tom at 12:17 AM
0 comments
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Today has been an eventful day so far. I woke up and got busy. The next issue of the church partnership directory is so very close to being done and in a nice print format too! I can;t wait. I am looking at the prototype now...its awesome!! Then I came home and took a nice nap.
Now I am awake waiting to go into work here in a few. These last two nights have been ok. I talked to a friend last night and voiced alot of concerns and even helped play a trick on his wife. In fact I learned that women don't like cocnu scented depoderant or product names with the word teen in it! That was funny. Then today just being around others from Sojourn I managed to get much done. So after tomorrow all will be done!!! Then i can find another project after some rest. I know several folks need moving, dunno if they still do or not. Last week was emotional week and this week has flown by so fast. *yawn* I don;t wanna go intongiht, an early bed time would be so nice. Wednesday I have an interview for a part tiem job I hope I get. It would be a very cool job, but I don't want it to get between me and God. I may try revisting a few sermons from this weekend that got me thinking. I am just blabbing right now. Tired but I feel good.
posted by Tom at 6:08 PM
0 comments
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
It's amazing how much a sermon, cleaning, candles, and a clean room can help focus. Well from last ngiht I started just letting my thoguhts come. After this blog I wrote another 3 pages that I may post later. I am up to 7 pages so far.
I started looking around to otehr resources and it came to me that there are too many howtos and step programs or pacakged programs. I am not saying they are bad in any way, they should only be used as a gateway or a door into a bigger world. Not for everyday encouragement. If anything they should point you in only one direction. Where I am I see that it isnt getting to an understanding it is getting back to God and daily. That is the battle and struggle I face where I do it or I don't. It seems that the books I read the parts that get me are usually the scriptures it references. Not sre where I am getting at right now, just citing observations.
posted by Tom at 10:52 AM
0 comments
Monday, July 03, 2006
Last week was a draining week. It was full of many emotions. With death, birth, farewells, serving, cleaning, moving, roommate issues and even work.
A few spiritual days as well. My faith right now is on a rollercoaster. I can be reading and being in a spiritual state and then go off sinning in a mtter of minutes, sometimes in the middle of reading or pondering. I have not prayed or really been reading much lately. How I can go to walking towards godliness and jump off back into my own ways. Much is on my mind. So very much. And it is almost discouraging. I have been listening to some of Mark Driscoll's stuff and one of the other pastors from Mars Hill...it is just too convicting that I have very little emptional reaction to it. Its just powerful. I am trying to get in touch with a few others to reach out and speak to them about my current state of faith. It is not good. I have a dream, a vision not of mine own but that of what God wants me to be...at least that is what I believe. Yet there are too many idols in my life that keep me from it all...many indeed. Right now I am just talking of whatever comes into mind. I think I might change the header graphic.....still keep it a journey seeking...but it is a path of intimacy and repentance. I dunno, just alot running through my mind right now.
posted by Tom at 10:27 PM
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links.tom links.other sojourn.blogs blogs.other blogroll.christian Thy way, not mine, O lord Thy way, not mine, O Lord, However dark it be; Lead me by Thine own hand, Choose out the path for me.
Smooth let it be or rough,
I dare not choose my lot;
Take Thou my cup, and it
Choose Thou for me my friends,
The kingdom that I seek
Not mine, not mine the choice ~Horatius Bonar |
