 Monday, October 31, 2005
A nice few things off my chest before bed typically leaves me waking up feeling much better. Or was that the nyquil I took before bed? Or the Dark Chaocolate I ate when I woke up? Or the feeling that I avoided fraud with a fake ebay (I would have been the victim)?
On these days, even how tired I still may be, I just want to stop and take it all in. I can just feel God at work. But thats just it thoguh his work is not always a smooth ride. In fact it can be hellish at times. But I was listening to Larry Crabb yesterday and he did bring up one point. Suffering: Now vs Hell. Suffering now is done out of love and brings forth change. It has purpose. Suffering in Hell will be very much the same as suffering here but with one major difference (all the difference) is that it will not be done out of love, it will have no reason. Now suffering does have a reason. We may not always see that. So I look at my life and these changes God has given to me over this last year, in fact through life. Using my Man in the Mirror story many times I am the Mangled man looking in the mirror and trying to stay away from it. As it was said in the book of James, I try to walk away and forget what I look like. Yet it seems that here lately It is not that way at all. In fact I am the Undefined man looking into the mirror seeing the mangeld man that I am, and those are the times that I should be that of a child seeing the boogie man and running to my father for support as the mangled man is very scary. I think I am more on that side than the mangled man. I know that my heart is corrupted and tainted. Yet there is a renewing change taking place too. I cannot take credit for that as I know these changes were not of my accord. I wouold not have taken the first step to do any volunteer work, or I would want to work for my own recognition. Yet I car to help and do things and nearly every time I say yes...unless work conflicts etc. I want to help and to serve. From what I have gathered I still have no clue as to what my secondary calling or my lot in life is. My, in fact ALL out primary calling is to serve God. He is our calling. What we can do for him and others is secondary. Yet I am not the leader or the hero no matter how much I want to be. I think of Optimus Prime (old school not the new one) as he was a dear hero and knew when to fight the fight to the end. And he did just that. But alas as I alwasy wanted to be a transformer now I am, as I am being transformed. I don't know if I will get the cool autobot symbol but yet its a change none the less. My secondary calling is more of support. I am not the part spnning the machine or driving it, nor am I the one giving it fuel to keep on going, I am the one part that keeps the other parts going.I am there to help the machine run, I am there to help others and to keep things running. I am the Spacely Space Aged Sprocket that even helps with the Cogswell Cogs to help and serve other parts to keep it all running. Now so that I do not get too comfortable being a server and helper and not a leader I find that yes I will have to be a leader as well. In the home at least. Looking bacl at my own family I see bad things. At least with my parents my dad was going to be a preacher, and my mom a preachers wife. That did not turn out very well on either side. Now I have my won desires for a wife to start a family with. Ahh the nice happy life right? Nope God has told me not a chance...my way. Now his way he is telling me about. Bibically the role of the man is a leader. Not a boss but a leader. The man is to bear the responsability for the whole and serve as the head. But the wife to support...before I go too far off here there is much for me to learn in this area. Yet for me a husband, and when the time is right a woman for my wife we each must not love each other more than God. He must be our first love. This is the line I hope to veer away from. I have seen too many cases where the earthly love here out measures the love for God. Last night in sermon there was a point where was asked do I (the preacher) want to be a good/great father? or a Godly father? I can ask the same of being a husband one day,family, just so much. Do I want to be good or Godly? I know the answer for this one yet my actions both known and hidden speak differently. I am weak and when I think God is striking me during these weaknesses, it is not to get me at my weakest it is to build me up from that. I don't always feel or think this, yet I can see that this may very well be the case. There are many times I wished there was someone to help or talk to or give me the answers I seek. And those are most often the times I feel alone in this battle and cannot find the help I desire. Yet this is also the time God tells me by action to focus and depend on him and not man. My dependancy should be on him and not others. This is also when I seemingly make my greatest discoveries and self revelations. I cannot hide from God yet I can hide from man. At times I know it or not we all say things to present ourselves as something we are or are not. Are you a sinner? Yeah but i.... I could go on for hours how even just I can and do this. Yet with God it is a wee bit more brutally honest. Even last night when recording the podcast I could not even say the one aspect of lust effecting me as it does. I could only call it lust. See that's pride messing with me again. There is a line from Pulp Fiction that would be appropriate, but due to language I think messing would be a good word. May my heart be broken into peices so small they can fit through the eye of a needle. May the lord continue the work in which he has started in me. In us all actually. I know personally I need to becoem stronger through God and stop thinking I can do so of my won accord. Yet in the world there is great suffering and I know that I suffer yes, buyt how much do I suffer for God? Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled. Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. In keeping all this in check our problems and sufferings here are they our own sufferings or are they God's? My sufferings with work schedule flip flopping alot, is not suffering for God. It is my own suffering yet Do I take my sufferings before God? DO I ask God along these sufferings? Nope. Not as often as I should. When we suffer without God we suffer alone. When we suffer for God and with God we should remember this is temporal and will not last long. He is waiting for us on the other side of the clouds. Should we want to come home it is promised. But that is up to us sin't it? Do we continue to suffer withgouth God or do we suffer with and for God? I may be gettign off onto another grander topic. So For now I shall stop here. When the spirit moves....ya know. I heard there were some christian teens killed this week becasue they were christians. There is still suffering all around. But blessed are those who...
posted by Tom at 8:50 AM
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Sunday, October 30, 2005
I could not form words onto the screen so I spoke them. I did my first podcast in so very long and it is downloading from Itunes now. Sometimes I just needed to talk. So I did.
You can download it form yetanotherpodcast.blogspot.com
posted by Tom at 11:13 PM
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Saturday, October 29, 2005
After all the talk of the movie I am watching it again. I really do like this movie. It does have a few paralells for me right now. Even though I am at work I feel better than I did at home. There is something in the atmosphere at home. It is a downer lately and I can't figure out why. So I really think I now need to get out of there and into a new place...hopefully that will work itself out here in the next month. Lots to do coming up.
posted by Tom at 9:52 PM
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TOday I just want to be lazy and dream, daydream, just be somewhere else but here bored, lazy, and unfulfilled. It is hard to even start reading. I just cannot seem to get motivated for anything. Even though tonight looks to be a great night at work since I do not have to run the posts section!!! Tranlsation I get out of work much earlier. I love that. I will help extra tonight just for not having to run sports.
But last night was a great start when I went to the class at sojourn. It really hit home as we breifly hit up the topics of work ethics sorta. Its about changing. I wished there were more better Christian songs out there. On the radio the most part its like all pop and too much like a love song on prom night these days. I just wished I could findsomething to connect with that does not seem to make me feel more isolated. Monday and Tuesday will be some hard up days. Monday I go to sleep Dr for sleep apnea tests, and then Tuesday I will attend an accountability group. Just to feel things out and see if this is something I wish to continue in furhter detail. Even right now I cant seem to focus or concentrate.
posted by Tom at 5:10 PM
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Tuesday, October 25, 2005
It looks like what was started today did very well continue, yet it will need to continue furhter now. I only touched the surface of todays topics on my heart. But I feel that the Lord did provide some comfort and understanding enough to sorta a checklist where I am at, I at least have an idea where to go.
This morning I read into Ephesians 3-5 (for the most part) and it really hit home. The weird thing is that I was in the KJV more than anything else. For once it seemed to hit closer to home and was very understandable. I still looked at the NLT for contrast but it seemed to help. I know that there is work started in me, inside that now is stirring troubles. It is old self and the new self at war. The war has been won yes I know I hear it all the time, but here and now, this is what I see and know. I find it very hard to see past myself and the now that I do not see the gaol at the end. Philipians 3:12-14. I do know that it is God working inside...no it is the holy spirit that I seem to hear so little of. I hear of the first two of the trinity, the Father the Son and the (whispers) holy spirit. But it is that in which is at work in me. It stirs my soul and like apollo 13 an Oxygen tank seems to have exploded and even though I am still flying through space, it't not the straightest of paths. So that is the war for me is getting on course. I fear and almost loathe external forces and trains of thoughts as it seems to have been overused and gives an excuse to run away. "Take two pills and call me in the morning" approach. But I know that selfishly it is hard for me to see external forces yet in this case I know there is one externally I want to look into. Getting to understand the nature of God. Understanding forgivneness, repentence, grace, and God's sovreignty and submitting to that. Seeking truth and understanding.....Come eat my bread and wine I have prepared for you. Leave your foolish ways and walk in the ways of understanding Proverbs 9:5-6 I wished I could go back in time and stop adam and eve from eating of that tree....I would rather not know and simply exsist, but that is not the case and therefore we must deal with the gift and curse of knowledge. FOr me understaning and applying the word is only part of the battle, understanding it's nature is also as important. Otherwise how do we know what we are fighting for? My journey from here...? It may get bumpy and scary as visions of hell are flooding my mind. It is becoming very real. I mean an eternity over a few years? That's an awful long time. It makes it harder to sleep at night thinking about it.
posted by Tom at 10:38 PM
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It is typically at night that I am able to sit and focus in on god. At least as far as meditations and prayer goes. But I read in Ephesians "Do not let the sun go down on your wrath" and last ngiht was a great example of it. In fact EPhesians really hit home for me today , well this morning when I read it. For once I read it in the KJV and it made the most sense. I understood it more than the NLT. WHich is an odd rarity these days.
But it did speak of the old self vs the new self. THis is my war. It is hard to seek god externally as much of what I am is internally. From withing I know God is at work but there are somethings that is just to hard to call upon God for. It's hard to explain withougt writing a novel. But last night I read a book a lil and then passed out and slept fairly well. I felt better after I passed out than before I did. It gets very diffucult to come out of this at times. I know there is so much I need to do but yet I do not. Romans 7:21-24 where I see this sin prevailant all around in my life and that I do not change course, I sin when I do not want to and yet I sin when I know I should not. These are the ones that bother me. Yet there are times I sin when I do not know these I do not like any more yet I can live with those. It is when I sin when fighting it. Just looking around sometimes the confusion turns into frustration and grows from there. I know that god has started work withinme, it some tension is rising. I think for now I need to reflect upon the passages read this morning and see where they take me. I have rambled enough for the now.
posted by Tom at 5:52 AM
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Saturday, October 22, 2005
I like today. Yes I do. Because today i will keep myself behind these walls and rest. Well I do have plenty to do like cleaning, and finish up the wedding photos from a month ago. Sheesh. And do some serious reading I hope. Well I do have some car troubles but I think I can make those pass. At least for now.
My work situation I feel is grim. At least thats what I think after working night shifts. I work split shifts through the week. Tuesday through Thursday I work in the day time. Then Friday and Saturday I work nights so that is until 4-6am if not later. SO needless to say this messes up my sleep pattern every week when my body wants to be in bed no later than 2am. I can push it to three but thats pushing it no further. So most nights I am there till 4am. The aftermath is tired and cranky at Sojourn on Sundays. Or leads me to so many other sins as that is when I am weakened. So I was and sorta still am looking for a way out. I have prayed several times but for a lil bit there my prayer was not for endurance during these times, I was praying for deliverance from it, from this suffering. I wanted out. So I looked for another job. In fact I have been since March really. Mostly in photography as that is where I would love to be able to have a career in. But that is seemingly hard to do in this town. Since march I have done more than 20 resumes and applications. That is not a far exaggeration....and I have either heard nothing from the or get turned down. Lately it seems it comes down to them not calling back after I follow up or they make it sound promising and feed false hope and something fails in communication or something but I rarely hear back from them. So I asked for a way out and nothing. But here comes a health issue!!! Egads could this be my way out? I have every symptom but I am going in for some tests Halloween night to be diagnosed with sleep apnea. Which means I stop breathing in the middle of the night and leads to short term memory loss, tired all day, light headed, and so much more. So I am seeing the Dr. and I asked if I could keep my same work schedule with sleep apnea. This is it, this is the answer I am looking for as a regular sleep patter is important for this health issue....wait for it....this could be my ticket off night shift......and bam. Remember that game show with the Wammies, ya know people shouted No Wammies! No Wammies! No Wammies! No Wammies! Well insert that sound it made when you hit a wammie here. The Doc said I would not have to change my work schedule. Well great can't seem to find another job with better hours, nor can I get finances reduced so I can take a lower paying job, and even the Dr said I can keep my same hours. It seems God isn't telling me that the end is near or that oh here is a good job for you to lead, no by not hearing him it seems he wants me right where I am. I was reading in a book and the writer was speaking about his wife how she hated her job. She just wanted out and wasn't getting the positions she wanted very familiar to my current situation. Well he told her she is going to have to get better at her current job. She did, then got promoted into a higher position that she thought of ever getting and all worked out real nicely. She changed her heart towards the job and things changed. I related to her pains of hating the job, yet seeing that the heart change e lead into something better was very encouraging. So maybe this would apply here as well. Now reading some scripture God has a few things to say about work, well mostly masters and slaves. Modern work are we not slaves? I mean to corporate America the heartless soul sucking godless evil that it is?Yeah I think so. But in reading I was convicted of my work ethics. Work as if we were working for God. Let's look at this scenario how working faith into the job scene. Current: Boss = "Tom can you run these reoprts by 5pm tomorrow?" Tom ="Sure" Ok seeing that would give me two days to do this for something that may take 3 hours to do, I wait until the next day to do them. I did not want to do them so I lowered its priorities and importance to me. Godly: Boss = "Tom can you run these reports by 5pm tomorrow?" Tom ="Sure I'll do them right now" The focus here this time is I help what was important to my boss as equal as he/she did. I did not lower it to my standards and push it off till later. This is what scares me if I devalue what my boss asks of me, what makes me think I will not devalue what God asks of me? What if Noah devalued God's demand for his own desires? Noah: Well God wants this built pretty fast but I think we need a few days off, we have worked hard enough. The world would be population: 0 This parallel is what gets me. My work ethic isn't biblical as it should be, it does not flow with my life. I work for man and not god. In my heart I think I should work as if I worked for God. It is written so it must be true right?
I would read the passage in context it says so much more. That is just the beef of it. But there is more... Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ. Obey them not only to win their favor when their eye is on you, but like slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from your heart. (Ephesians 6:5-6 NIV) So this is where I stand convicted. I do not like my job, at least certain aspects of it. My heart selfishly wants out. Yet This is also the perfect example of when to be obedient to God and find contentment in his will for me and think how can I serve better than I am? Also this can work itself out for me to start working for God rather than man. Work especially should be a perfect place to draw towards God. Dependence. Change our hearts and work differently and see where it goes. Now the reality, easier said than done!!!! I know in my job!!! But it sounds promising and that alone brings comfort.
posted by Tom at 12:41 PM
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Thursday, October 20, 2005
Today was cool. Considering I was up super very early but all worked out nicely with work. I did manage to get alot done. My highlight was the going for books and coffee. I got to more of the books I was looking for. So now I am up to 3 1/2 books to read and pondering re-reading another. This does not count my daily (or lack thereof) bible readings. I try to be daily, but the deep readings happen every so often, but typically I do try reading every day if not very other day.
I am reading Come Thirsty by Max Lucado. So far it is not to bad, but it seems to easy that I can't comprehend it. Not as deep as I would like it to be. Then I have Startling Beauty by Heather Gemmen, its a biography of her rape and journey with God. Thirdly is Men and Women Equal yet different, bu Alexander Strouch, this is for the class I attend on Fridays for biblical manhood and womanhood. Then I have Gospel for real life by Jerry Bridges. Which is by an incredible author. I think that I can read that and discuss in accountability again. I really do not watch that much of TV anymore. I do watch some, maybe 1-2 hours in a week which is not much. I do not know where my thoughts are right now. It's sorta everywhere. Monday was a rough day for me sin wise. But I read one part of a book that was so very convicting it was a slap in the face. With a sting. So needless to say it lead to some serious prayer and I felt better since then. But still some heavy unrelated questions remain. Just seeking the truth and having the faith in following...I sometimes wonder if there is more than what I know of. Hell scares me when the thought comes up, thats a long time to be wrong. I so want the deeper truth now so that eternity does not burn. It scares me at times knowing if I got it right or not. I cannot get this thought out of my head. But I cannot fathom it and my brain shuts down on this thought or series of thoughts stemming from this. Where I am at now, I keep on keeping on until then and continue to seek this truth. But at times I fear that my heart may be too far corrupted by the wold already. But that is part of the walk. I know that things from here are about to get more brutally honest and truthful and understanding and seeking the Gospel, and learning to deny myself for the kingdom that lies ahead. For now I will continue seeking and understanding, I do not want to understand for knowledge's sake, rather I want to learn so that I may understand and apply to my life. I stll do not know my role in life. I guess now it is. During the next few months I can only imagine what life may bring. It is scary and exciting time.
posted by Tom at 10:22 PM
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Sunday, October 16, 2005
So where are my thoughts right now? I am not sure. But I know that things are working in me that God has set in action.
I did like to see the baptism service today. It was so much more moving than the ones I have seen growing up. It was almost moving. Even now I just want to focus in on what God shared with me today. I know that I know not a family. I have a family yes but I really don't know about family. It's hard to explain let alone think of. I recalled much more of it during sermon but now I have forgotten most of it. My family was broken in 1988. Well that is when it all came crashing down. In one of the lyrics it said something of a mother's faith and that's when I lost it. I mean as far as my peaceful inner thoughts that is. I never really knew of that. In fact it was that road that I started down that has been long and dark. So many bad habits and sins started then and stuck with me for so long. This man I am, the one I have become is evil. Even though this same person was there to protect me and bring me into a better place it was without God. And then He stayed around and tried to live a duality. Now I battle this man several months later after seeing him. Back in March this is what I saw. A mirror and two persons in it. Now after thinking that the man in front of the mirror would go away, I see that he is not. So revisiting this “Man in the mirror” I do not see the reflection of the man I am becoming any more clearly that I already have, yet I saw that man reflected in others today at sermon. I saw while watching others and seeing Christ in them to know that I saw Christ in myself. To see the man God calls, is calling me to become. So all this time I may have been looking at myself for the contrast or reflection and yet I saw it elsewhere. Do I know what this means? No, not at all. Breaking a leg is easier than breaking ones old self or will. I still pray for a broken heart, since mine is so evil and corrupted. My own heart's desires cause pain and harm and yet at times keep me from seeking God as I should. I pray for my heart to be shattered into pieces so small they would fit through the eye of a needle and blow away in the winds. Then needing a new heart, I pray that the heart god wants me to have, a christ-like heart to replace the one going away. But seeing that the love of a mother is something I did without, and may for a long time after today and after that day, yet there is a greater love out there. I long for this love, yet I grasp and let it slip through my fingers very often. Understanding the love of Christ is a huge task. Yet in him I saw that it is attainable. In him I saw the man God is calling and has chosen. He has called us by name, it was no accident. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. (Isaiah 43:1 NIV) I know that my view on women is most likely not up to par. Growing up without a woman in my life from childhood, I did not have a very good frame of reference. But not being able to look and interact with them as a sister in Christ, this is a new concept. To have brothers and sisters. I do have a brother but I feel I cannot reach him. I do have contact with my mother again, but I feel I am far from ever reaching her. My parents so long ago were on a much different path, my father a preacher, and my mothers a preachers wife. That is so far from what life is now. My path was diverted many years ago. But now god asks me, why I turn away when he has chosen me. And I come up with no answer. But he is there, always has been, always will be. But knowing who I am becoming and who I am well it's like no clue whatsoever. I referred to this as being dropped off in the desert and being told to go. But given no direction. No map but to go. So am I going in the right direction? I do not know. But I am thirsty. Sometimes I am parched I could fall into dust if I were to fall down, and other times I thirst but am not thirsty. But I have been given directions if I stop to think about it. God knows that I am in bond to myself, enslaved. And before I can break free and truly worship I need to face it. The man in the mirror may always be there, in fact I may be looking from the wrong side. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. (James 1:23-24 NIV) It is God that shows us who we are. He shines light on the darkest parts of our soul. SO the fuzzy man I see in the mirror is where I may be. And walking back into the mirror every now and then I see that the man I am, the one I am slowly killing the bondage of, he is the one in the reflection, he is not the one looking into that mirror. That reflection will be there as that is who we are as man. Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life. (Psalms 139:23-24 NLT) So stepping into God's side and following him can I then see this. This is where the power lays, lies, whichever. Follow him and to learn God is to learn ourselves, to learn ourselves is to learn God. God may not answer because he may have already answered.
posted by Tom at 8:23 PM
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Saturday, October 15, 2005
Right after I thought I had a game plan the difficulties arose yet again. I was there last night much later than I wanted to be due to network issues so I did not take the extra steps in making sure everything was ok. After the work was done I left with no regard for how the site looked. And I do not care, I feel guilty for what I did but not that the site may have errors.
My body says go to bed and I cannot listen to my body. It angers and frustrates me when others are sleeping and I am suffering myself for the job. At a time when perfection is needed I am so much further from perfect when I am tired. I thought this game plan would work, yet here I am sleep deprived yet again and the only thing on my mind is finding another job. I know in th bible it speaks of working as if we wer working for God. This is true. If I complain this much about work, how much will I complain with the tasks God gives me? I have been in this spot before, where my body says one thing and I suffer physically because of this, and it does not get better until I start listening to it again. I think I will try to give it one more month, then I will ask for the official Take me off nights...which means I hope there is another job come open between now and then as that request has potential of putting me into a worse situation. Word is still tight with the roommate situation, if I have one roommate I cannot leave my current job unless and equal pay job is found which is very hard. If I have two roommates I can take a lesser paying job. So roommates may dictate where my job search goes. It's hard even reading in Ephesians how if we suffer now we will be rewarded in heaven, yet I don't want to suffer like this. It is unhealthy and is not taking care of my body, so how can this be godly is beyond me. But some fun will come this weekend at Sojourn, yet I'm afraid that I will be drained from the night shift tonight. I just wished that even God's words could bring me more comfort right now. But I do want to get better at my job and really change the way I work, but I do not think that is going to happen with such an obstacle such as this. Yesterday was good until work, I did get to take the class at Sojourn last night, it was fun. It felt good, yet when I was deep in thought I had to change into work mode. Alas, work is sucking my soul dry, and I am so often depressed when talking of that evil four letter word.
posted by Tom at 12:33 PM
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Wednesday, October 12, 2005
It's hard to believe that it's been a year already...a year with Sojourn, a year back to God. This time last year I was coming down from a dream crashing. I was wanting to go to a photography school in Massachusetts but I could not afford to go. And my current roommate at the time, was it was getting bad. Then I got to take a trip to D.C for work and made a few choices to change a few things when I got back. And I did.
But my dream at that time had nothing to do with a church, nothing to do with a homeless shelter, nothing with community, no such thought as accountability nada. A dream died. And since then I have not really came up with a new one. I had to realize that things happen not of my own doing. SO now I have no plan, at least nothing specific. So to sit and look back on this last year...wow. I can't find the words for it. This also marks my second year into photography. And both have things happening. Photography, well it still goes, it is no where near the dreams I have had during life up until now. But it's still a great place for me to be behind the lens, I love it. Yet my life outside of the lens is very different. The mid-twenties crisis...well I don't know if it is over but a different path is being taken. I still do not know what God has planned for me...other than transforming me and changing me into the man he wants me to become. Its scary, comforting, and very exciting all the same time. Now its time to change gears and look forward. Only look for Christ in my life and not where the old self is dying. I don't mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection! But I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ Jesus saved me for and wants me to be. No, dear brothers and sisters, I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven. I hope all of you who are mature Christians will agree on these things. If you disagree on some point, I believe God will make it plain to you. But we must be sure to obey the truth we have learned already. Philippians 3:12-16 (New Living Translation) This seems to apply very much so. I am going to have to seek a greater sense of community, let others into my life. I have been very prideful thinking with the help I did have to think I could do the rest on my own. But now I am seeing that I need others that are in Christ to help walk with me back. Where do I feel may be some areas of calling? I know I want to serve and help in some way. This week I get to help at the leadership class by serving the sandwiches, hahah I cracked people up. They enjoyed the subs, or the way I served them? Haha it was so very much fun. I also want to get deeper at Jeff Street and help teach or even do something ministry like and show how to find God on the Internet. I want to teach and reach to others. But one thing I have learned in this last year, stay still and the answers do come, its the patience that kills me. Even now a possible answer on the plate.....well time to meditate upon all of this. As it revolves around work...but it's still as if God is speaking to me, telling me something. I want out and he keeps telling me NO, but there may be another answer...its not about changing my surroundings, it's about changing myself, my heart.
posted by Tom at 11:20 AM
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Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Ahhh tired I am yet a few words and thoughts are on my mind. I don't want to talk, I just want that time with God. So I read some. Got a card in the mail from a friend that had a scripture written down. I read it. Kinda cool stuff.
but right now on my mind is my willingness and want. As in how much do I want repentance? How much do I want this new life God is calling me for? How do I feel right now? Good. I guess I can say. But knowing that things are going to go God's way not mine....I will need acceptance. Getting ready to hit a dumpy road.....this I will need God's streanth and empowerment on. I am going to need to come to terms one I need to let go of the things I want that are dragging me down. I am going to have to become more accepting of God's will and accepting the things I do not know or understand. And will also have to learn to work with others, bring community into my life more so than I am. I cannot do this alone, so I will need to start down a deeper journey than the one I am already on. There are more thoughts on this, but its close to bed time...but Im thinking on God as best I can.
posted by Tom at 9:02 PM
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Sunday, October 09, 2005
Well it was great being back at sermon after a two week hiatus. Before hand I had a deep conversation that got me thinking and then the sermon did the same. Yet afterwards I got some potential news I did not want to hear. Looks like the roomate situation may fold under....I do not know yet. If all else fails I can stay here I am fine. The down side is I still cannot afford to catch up debt, tithe, and there goes the accountability I was hoping for in living with others.
The depressing part is that if this falls under then I cannot afford to leave my current job unless and equal or higher position is found. So it comes down to my health on the line but have money and try to stay afloat. The variables remain. One message today, even on top of the new possible facts.........yeah I might be overreacting but I am trying to be realistic based on life thus far.......the one common theme is how bad do I want this? Really how bad? Financial peace? Freedom through Christ? Death to old self? Fulfilling the role God has palnned for me? How bad do I want it? Do I really want it? Make a few sacrifices and make things happen? Enough to give up all control and put it in God's hands? Is this why I suffer? To learn to become more dependant on him? TO learn and find ways to die to self and born unto him? SO looking as if I needed a seconds voice on this rather than my own confused one, I called up my accountability/mentoring/discipleship partener and was able to get out for a nice walk around the seminary campus. That place is real nice lookin too. That and there is this recliner like bench, it's a stone slab in front of the bench which is made for slouching.....it was real cool. Anyways after a nice walk in the cool mist and drizzle and a long talk I feel better and voiced these and other concerns. We did agree on one baby step to take and will hold each other in furhter accountability and discuss it each week. It seems that living in faith and living in feelings is a war within itself. Not to mention the sermon on Repentance tonight was a whopper alone in itself.
posted by Tom at 6:49 PM
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Friday, October 07, 2005
Here at work I sit but only my normal schedule. I hope to adjust afew things to get out of here in good time. I pray, well I should but I feel too selfish when I pray like that.
I do miss the intensity I had for a desire for transformation. This weekend will be a start back down that path. I di get a book tonight from Max Lucado, something about thirst. It looks pretty cool and has been on my wanted reading list for some time. It looks to be a quick read. Tonight's class was cancelled which I guess was ok excapt I did not find out until I was there waiting. But really I did get out into some fresh air after the day warmed up and I did feel the pressure for time and I got a few things cleaned up around my aparatment. So good did come of it. But there is so much more to clean. It is not cleaning, I somewhere fell off the path and got sidelined with faith and everything. I was not on top of things and they got behind. Some steward I am huh? I really need a disconnected evening away from everything where I can focus and concentrate on where I am and pray, really pray and connect with God, try to hear what he may be saying to me. He may have been trying to tell me something here lately, but I have been deafened but not deaf. God has me here for a reason...and all I know is that i feel a deeper desire to know him better and draw closer to him, yet my sins are well let's call them a prodigal addiction. It makes sense. We all must have a prodigal sin. I think that would make a perfect topic next.
posted by Tom at 7:37 PM
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Thursday, October 06, 2005
Job:
I still do not like being there. I know one of the resons I wnat to leave is that it is much a black hole as I know not to talk of relgion,politics, or sports, yet this is perfect testing ground for my faith. There are plenty of chances to defend it and several times I have been offended. Yet this is where I could stand up for Christ and tell others they are wrong. Yet I fear I do not have the words to back it up and knowing how much stronger they are in debate situations (debate = any of those 4 topics mentioned earlier) they will negate whatever I say. THis is a time I could pray and draw to God for guidance. SO yes staying at my current job can be a challenge yet is one where I could test my faith and live for God no matter the opposition. Yet the physical aspect is what gets me. The night shifts hurt and drain me. For that I want out. And I want something in photography. I do have an interview this week for another job opportunity but they have a roatating Sunday Schedule. SO I will miss chusrch...and I so DO NOT want to miss sojourn. It does depend ont he roatations, if it is once a month, I think I can swing that in all fairness, if it is every other week, there may be an issue. I want a new job yet I do not want one that can take me from what I cherish. Then there is the other long awaited job that I had hoped to get I finaly recevied word, I called him back and it's a weird deal but it might work out knowing how life has been going...he did hire someone but its for temp or testing for 6 weeks. Then He will trade off and let me do the same. So even then it is still pending and no gaurentees...but there is potential. If I can swing a miracle and do that and the C-J full time for 6 weeks, that would give me a nice boost to a boost financially that may be on its way about that same time. After that 6 weeks I would love to be able to leave teh C-J...at least that could put some ptoential light at the end of the tunnel....which would make things a wee bit easier knowing the end may be near. Love: Well my feelings for a friend have reached a point knowing that we are most likely better as friends. So from this point I now will hold back certain thoguths and feelings. Be much more reserved and guarded. I still want her in my life she is a great friend to have but I know she is not ready for anything serious. Who knows I am sure I will meet someone else in Christ. There are so many women out there that are physically and personality attractive, yet now unless I see God in theier lives in some way, I want them not, not even in the slightest way. At least for any serious relationship goes. I think I am getting closer to that age where I want to settle down and get on with life. But thats down the road or around the corner. I pray that I keep on going one day at a time and go wherever God leads me to be or be with. Life: Well in the upcoming months there will be much grace, learning, and movement in my life. I will much more closely confront fianances, lust, faith, and more. I will continue my development into the man God is forming me to become. For now I will try the difficult task of dealing with my job, continue to serve at Jeff Street, and just live for now live for God as best I can...even though I know I am so very weak, yet I will try.
posted by Tom at 9:08 AM
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Tuesday, October 04, 2005
In both group and accountability yesterday I voiced my concern over the job situation. I feel as if I have been left in the desert and told just go but the end is no where and I have no idea if I am on the right path or not.
If there is a reason I am to be there I pray that I know of it and if not I pray for the light at the end of the tunnel letting me know its gonna be soon be over. And If I am meant to be there then I pray that I can get better and focus better while there and carry out the mission for me to be there. Yet its hard as now I physically suffer there as I never get my body on a normal pattern...which I miss. It sucks getting it on a parttern for a few days to have it sucked away from me. Other issues have been answered. I think I will actually try to camp out in the book of Romans for a while. And I mean camp out. Not just read it and be done. It seems to fit in where I am and there were a part or two I wanted to revisit anyways. Just too many thoguths right now on God vs work
posted by Tom at 8:28 AM
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Monday, October 03, 2005
Today's quest on biblegateway whilst I have fun in the lab,
Romans 2:1-11 1You may be saying, "What terrible people you have been talking about!" But you are just as bad, and you have no excuse! When you say they are wicked and should be punished, you are condemning yourself, for you do these very same things. 2And we know that God, in his justice, will punish anyone who does such things. 3Do you think that God will judge and condemn others for doing them and not judge you when you do them, too? 4Don't you realize how kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Or don't you care? Can't you see how kind he has been in giving you time to turn from your sin? 5But no, you won't listen. So you are storing up terrible punishment for yourself because of your stubbornness in refusing to turn from your sin. For there is going to come a day of judgment when God, the just judge of all the world, 6will judge all people according to what they have done. 7He will give eternal life to those who persist in doing what is good, seeking after the glory and honor and immortality that God offers. 8But he will pour out his anger and wrath on those who live for themselves, who refuse to obey the truth and practice evil deeds. 9There will be trouble and calamity for everyone who keeps on sinning--for the Jew first and also for the Gentile. 10But there will be glory and honor and peace from God for all who do good--for the Jew first and also for the Gentile. 11For God does not show favoritism. It does stick out in my current situation.
posted by Tom at 12:55 PM
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Sunday, October 02, 2005
I must be loosing my miond...or ability to focus. Today is ending up a disaster.
Good ideas turn bad fast Desires to do something diminish quickly Listening to sermons or anything my mind drifts When I do get a good thought to ponder I sidetrack and onto something else I am so not here today. I feel out of it all. I am afraid some thigns I am getting into I may be getting too deep, old stuff I fear I have been to deep, I almost am loosing hope on getting that balance. I am running on empty. Even when God does comfrot me and warms my heart life and I am sure Satan comes in and yanks that away. In fact I think good ol' lucy has his hand in this more than I think. The eternal damnation thing scares me. I get to thinking at times, nearly out from the blue, that what if we are wrong and we go to Hell? All this for nothing? If its atheists then it does not matter as when we die there is neither heavan nor hell. But ever religion tell the other they are wrong...and this scares me. My mind wants to explode as these thoughts come back to one tru God yet millions of ways to serve according to whom you speak with. I do not know. I hate knowng these thoughts are here, too much seem to be creeping in on me. I feel lost again. I want to scream, sit down with an angel over maybe a cup of coffee or some really great water and talk. For a long time. At least get to a working understanding. Seems the demons have entered into this war over my soul. I just want God, I want him to tell me things are going to be ok (for the most part) and help me clarify these thoughts and feelings. I do not want to burn in hell...yet I have already been condemned by so many, I do not want to be wrong. It costs too much to be wrong.
posted by Tom at 4:39 PM
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Saturday, October 01, 2005
Today is going better. I did get off of work at a semi decent time, still past my bodies bed time but I got home in time for some sleep. I woke up and got a call over the lab at Jeff street. I forgot to rechedule the lab so I came on in, it's most likely the highlight of my day. Thus far anyway.
Yesterday was a convicting day. It was as if God spoke to me, he may have... it was as if he said "I have chosen you" and what was unspoken, what my heart was speaking to me was "So why do I deny you, walk away and reject me?" The words of my heart were not as bold or clear as the first. I am trying to come to grips that I do not see his will and accept that. Work isn't all to bad outside of the crazy hours and working in a sea of atheists, closed minded to boot. Otherwise it sin't too bad. But there are so many times that I have had a chance to be the "godly" one and I of course blew it. Even in New York at the wedding I could tell I was around the less than faithful. I stood my ground and protected but still in God's eyes I failed. I was more concerned about burning bridges and helping my friend that I did not stand up or take a more active approach to things. My reason was legit I feel yet in God's eyes it was not. No matter what I still ten to choose people here than that of God. And this is bothering me. I am not sure how to deal with things but I tend to manage somehow. Even at work, when I hear these offensive thigns as far as religion goes I do nto speak up becasue I know my words will come back to haunt me, be taken wrong, and infvite a very bad day, and afraid I will say the wrong thing about God and therefore have it upon my soul. Yet I chose to play it safe for my own protection. God has chosen me...if these words were a random thought in my head or if they were words from above...actually i think they were not of my own doing. He has chosen me and I am having an issue or two fitting into that life. I know there is so much that will need to be changed yet I cannot give up certain things in my life or I go back to whatever ways for myself. I put too much into myself than I do God. At work, at home, wherever. I am not sure where any of this is going. I need to come to grips even more so with god's will and his sovereignty that this is all his will and to stop questioning him as to the whys' and where's of my life. I really want to pray for a broken heart, to be broken down, since my own desires in my heart (for whatever reason) is creating heartache then please break them and take them away. Break them so that they are so small the peices can slide through the eye of a needle. So tiny they can me blown away in the winds. From this I will need a new heart, that of God's through Christ and have the heart he wants me to have. This may take some time this I know, how long I do not. Then the next part of the quest may be helping others along the journey, yet this is not right either, maybe I should do that now and my new heart will come along eventually? He has chosen me... as an agent or as a team player?
posted by Tom at 2:28 PM
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