Today is going better. I did get off of work at a semi decent time, still past my bodies bed time but I got home in time for some sleep. I woke up and got a call over the lab at Jeff street. I forgot to rechedule the lab so I came on in, it's most likely the highlight of my day. Thus far anyway.

Yesterday was a convicting day. It was as if God spoke to me, he may have... it was as if he said "I have chosen you" and what was unspoken, what my heart was speaking to me was "So why do I deny you, walk away and reject me?" The words of my heart were not as bold or clear as the first.

I am trying to come to grips that I do not see his will and accept that. Work isn't all to bad outside of the crazy hours and working in a sea of atheists, closed minded to boot. Otherwise it sin't too bad. But there are so many times that I have had a chance to be the "godly" one and I of course blew it. Even in New York at the wedding I could tell I was around the less than faithful. I stood my ground and protected but still in God's eyes I failed.

I was more concerned about burning bridges and helping my friend that I did not stand up or take a more active approach to things. My reason was legit I feel yet in God's eyes it was not. No matter what I still ten to choose people here than that of God.

And this is bothering me. I am not sure how to deal with things but I tend to manage somehow. Even at work, when I hear these offensive thigns as far as religion goes I do nto speak up becasue I know my words will come back to haunt me, be taken wrong, and infvite a very bad day, and afraid I will say the wrong thing about God and therefore have it upon my soul. Yet I chose to play it safe for my own protection.

God has chosen me...if these words were a random thought in my head or if they were words from above...actually i think they were not of my own doing. He has chosen me and I am having an issue or two fitting into that life. I know there is so much that will need to be changed yet I cannot give up certain things in my life or I go back to whatever ways for myself.

I put too much into myself than I do God. At work, at home, wherever.

I am not sure where any of this is going. I need to come to grips even more so with god's will and his sovereignty that this is all his will and to stop questioning him as to the whys' and where's of my life.

I really want to pray for a broken heart, to be broken down, since my own desires in my heart (for whatever reason) is creating heartache then please break them and take them away. Break them so that they are so small the peices can slide through the eye of a needle. So tiny they can me blown away in the winds. From this I will need a new heart, that of God's through Christ and have the heart he wants me to have.

This may take some time this I know, how long I do not. Then the next part of the quest may be helping others along the journey, yet this is not right either, maybe I should do that now and my new heart will come along eventually?

He has chosen me... as an agent or as a team player?