 Monday, May 30, 2005
Ok I did the pedometer yesterday and got in near 6 miles, 3 miles before SOjourn, plus sojourn, plus work, plus another 1.3 miles at the gyum at work = 11600 = almost 6 miles, if that 2000 is one mile, estimate.
I am at a breathing point with my mom. Yesterdays sermon I was able to clear a few thoughts out. Prayed alot at Sojourn. ANd today is the first day she did NOT call, which was good. She told me she is going to get the internet hooked up and then we can communicate via email then. Which is fine I can set up a filter to sort out her mail. So yes I walked 11600 steps yesterday. I think that helped with sorting out the emotional stuff I was goign through. Now I need to clean up this place. I let loose after the other day, so now I need to get back on track. People think I am weird, then again what I do to them at Sojourn every week, I wonder why? haha Blah, time to open the shades and let some light back into my life, the storm is through for now.
posted by Tom at 7:10 PM
1 comments
Sunday, May 29, 2005
Well my mother called yet again, I am starting to love my answering machine. Now soon I will have to tell her its too much too fast. I just can't have a mother again after, literally more than half my life of not.
Here is what gets me...God says honor thy mother and thy father...Well at what point can I draw the line and claim my mother as a person and not my mother. She gave birth to me yes, but that was it. It is easier for a new mother to come in than an old mother to come in. But tonight's sermon did bring myself to two major points where as I think I can work through this now. And it revolves around relationships and especially God. First is that god is the Way, the Truth, and The life. We are offered salvation THROUGH Christ. And honestly these last few days have drawn me less towards God and more to trying to get to a working point in this. Now what if I were to turn this back to God, give him my burdens, my heart, my all...wait we are commanded to are we not? But work on that relationship first, and then the rest will fall into place according to his will. Second point I came to was after many long years Once again I can close this chapter of life. I now know where she is and alive and its time to move on. At least witht he forgiving factor. I dont want to let her back into my life, I do not want to be hurt again. But have I really forgiven her? We are commanded to forgive, but we do not have to trust that person ever. So now I pray to understand, forgive, and let go of this pain. Letting go, letting God...I think is an apppropriate phrase for the now.
posted by Tom at 6:46 PM
1 comments
Saturday, May 28, 2005
That is the word for today, displaced. Kinda not been here nor there, just kinda been. Still settling in the facts of yesterday.
And my mom even called today again and so did my Uncle in Birmingham. I wasnt there for either call. It is hard. I am not Anakin Skywalker that can turn a switch on and be sith/jedi, as I cannot switch Mom and new family on/off. I guess I need more time before I can. I don't know if I want a new family, all but a future wife. But it will take time to get to know hers as well. But there is no pain associated with it as I have from my mother. So do I get to know them or stay away? More time. I do feel good as I just got off the treadmill. I can't seem to get anyone to go walking with me so I managed to listen to Dave Ramsey on my ipod and walked to it. It made a difference as I burned more calories than I normally do. All in 30 minutes. Wow I feel so much better. I think Tomorrow after I wake up I will shower and get out of my apartment. It's draining right now spiritualy...well just not a good place to relax and think. I have not been able to think in the last 48 hours. Monday will be fun. I can think of someone else at the homeless shelter, or men's shelter rather. I will monitor an actual lab while they use the internet and teach them. I can't wait. It feels so good. I did get more outlined in my book. It is really starting to take shape, at least for a frame. Well back to work while my blood flows...ipod + podcasts = ROCKS!!!!!!!! (sermons, music, talkshows, audiobooks)
posted by Tom at 7:51 PM
1 comments
Friday, May 27, 2005
Ok well today was an eventful day. I did manage to get some sleep at some point and now at work. I just hope I can get out of here early and catch up on what I had planned yesterday. Today, well I can't even find words for it. I am still sorting it all out.
I talked to my dad for a while tonight and filled him in on the details. I have been in the process of sleep deprivation all day. But I'm ok now. Still hard to belive she called. I am not wanting to get hurt again so I shall still remain as neutral as I can. No feeling allowed. Just keep enough distance and let what ever happens, happen. I know my mom wants to be a apart of my life but this time she will have to earn it, and I mean earn it for earning it. Now there is only one more person to make amends with. I know for years I wanted to tell my mother how I felt and return a small smidgen of pain and suffering I had from her. But today that was not the case. It went well, but I can't say how it went. I just did not let it get to me. Where to go to from here...well one step at a time. And for now I need to listen to what God is telling me. Time heals wounds, and so does God.
posted by Tom at 8:28 PM
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No explatives were used but this would be the one I would have used if i were to have.
Just talked to my mom for the first time in nearly a decade. To set the story I worked last night. Got off work at 4:30am and made it home and bed about 5am. My boss calls me around 9:30ish am as some files were needed. Literally a few minutes after he called the phone rings. I answer it and it is my mom. Nothing I can do but play along now. SO I kept things as neutral as I could. We talked for what Ithink is an hour catching up setting the records straight on a few things. But I kept my distance. Yes it has been nearly a decade since I last heard from her and 11 years since I had last spoken with her. But I was not about to try getting hurt agian. I was keeping so distant and neutral. Dont get me wrong I was friendly but the emotions were dulled and not allowed to come out and play today. God must be working in my life. as my one chance to tell her off and hurt her back or at least let her see the harm, I did not do it. She does want her sons back in her life and she does realize it is going to take some time getting to know each other again. SO this is good this allows me to keep the distance factor going. There is still so much to let sink in. That and looking deep withing and re-evaluating forgivness. So I can see at what point I did. SO I know when it happens again. Not sure for now what's next. But just letting things go for now. Letting them be till then. And now what to dowith my nap schedule today, all out of wack. But I'll manage that much.
posted by Tom at 9:57 AM
2 comments
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
The best line from the movie American Beauty was when Kevin Spacey was asked about his characters desires for getting back into shape, was it for abs? no, was it for cardio, no....he just wanted to feel good naked again. I am not sure about the questions he was asked but they were along those lines.
But yes this does seem to be one reason I want to loose some weight is to feel good naked again. But that phrase is for one scaring people reading this but there is reason for that comment. Not speaking of physically feeling good naked again and loosing weight, getting healthy but also for faith and spirituality. Yes drawing closer to God can help get naked. I know that I am reading a book called "Naked Christianity" but while reading and having the wonderful laundry time today I came across a few more thoughts. I just shut up and let them come to me. As earlier today I started off in a funk that was left over from yesterday. Having to do laundry the difficult way in carrying everything across the apartment complex I ahd the place to myself and did lots of reading and thinking. Even had a diet coke. Speaking of I hope to drink it just enough for the word diet to stick in my head to remind me of what I need to do...diet and exercise. But really after the first sin from Adam and Eve we were then naked and felt ashamed. What if this meant not only physical clothing? But what we hide behind every day? Our masks? We hide behind lies, attitudes, sins, lifestyles, passions, loves, lovers, wealth, joy, sadness, we hide behind everything. Do we feel that ashamed that we try to blend in and hide our nakedness, our shame behind these, well I guess they would be considered sins. We get caught up in self-pity, hmm that sounds familiar, that we lose focus on God. Oh look something bad happened, let me run and hide my nakedness, my sorrow, my shame behind self-pity then I can feel better. And we then shame God. Why don't we, very extremely including myself, run towards God instead? Like last night for example. I did the self-pity route. Now if the car had not screwed up I would not have got to go do laundry nice an quiet like while reading and coming to a few understandings. Also with these women I look for values in...if they are that shallow and empty now...God took them away from me before it got out of hand, before I let them take away from my relationship with God, before they could hurt me, before I could hurt myself. Through my eyes, the eyes of the world I was wronged by all the events after going walking yesterday. Through the eyes of God he did me good, grace, and mercy. As now I see yet again he did not forget me, he is here walking with me. I need to know my dependence on God, and he is doing so. This is one of the biggest parts of getting naked. Being honest and authentic. Not hiding behind ourselves, blending in so well we fit a group and go along with everything. Be authentic, be ourselves, be for Christ. I personally tend to think God, God, God, God, that I forget about Christ and look towards his teachings and life. While I thought I was suffering, at one point I thought well Christ suffered more than this. That should have stopped me there. But it didn't. I did not want to be naked. I wanted the shelter of my thoughts and pity. God loves me and everyone as we are, as I am. So why do I go to God clothed or naked? He sees me completely naked anyways. He sees right through me. Wow I really feel better after doing laundry. And for once I even have the clothes folded up instead of having a clean clothes pile hahaha. All because of God. I wonder if I can talk anyone else into trying to feel good naked? Hahah just to scare them.
posted by Tom at 9:59 AM
2 comments
Well I could not get into a meditative space last night before bed. So today while I am doing laundry I hope to hide myself deeply in a book.
Right before my road trip I find my car needs $400 of work put into it.. And then yesterday a belt breaks off and the altenator goes out. So I could be potentially out of a altenator which adds near 300 to that mix. And then there is still more work that needs to be done after that. So my car troubles seem to compaund rather quickly at a bad time. Then I spent another 40 bucks on eharmony to fail once again. It is hope the I cling to that I try things like that. And none ofthem have ever worked. I have learned that ALL women are insecure and shallow, and the ones that are not are married. They say find a good girl go to church...wrong. I see that the ones who are with and without God are the same women. For me this hurts as I have not really had the close love from a woman since I was 10. I grew up w/o a mother and the nearest one, my grandmother, was clear on the other side of the state. And now shes gone. SO left is none. WIth the car troubles this adds to the complexities in getgin a new or at least a part time job. Even the wonderful monster.com that is supposed to find people jobs, well my skills are not wanted as my resumes do not even get looked at. So I am stuck at a job that is ok, it pays the bills but I can't get out of it. I am stuck. Even trying to get my finances budgested I cant seem to get them done. As for one various car happenings cost me for a while and things like that and other unexpected costs is a huge facotr in not getting my finances together again. Lack of finding a second job I cant get extra money coming in to help pay for any thing either. I am trying to get out of this mess and I cant. For whatever reason does God want me to sit here and suffer trhough all this and do everything ALONE? have I been condemned to this fate? I wished he would just tell me so that I stop clinging to Hope that rarely ever comes around to me. But today I will make it through yet again. I am trying to see God's resoning in this to see what this "excersize" is supposed to do for me in life. Persevere for what? Well then again it's for him and not me. I tend to forget that. We are here temporary on this world. Am I living for him? I try to yes. But I forget and think of me. It just hurts to not have and fmaily around me, they all live in another state, no one to love or to be loved, and living in the shadow of bad circumstances and choices and sins does hurt the soul. As I know mine is hurting. But one day it will not hurt any longer. Until that day I keep fightin the fight.
posted by Tom at 7:02 AM
2 comments
Monday, May 23, 2005
...I do seem to have much I could complain about or discuss about several not so good events in just a days time.
But I don't think I will. I think I may try just going straight into meditation and prayer. Bad day, yes a bad day.
posted by Tom at 8:57 PM
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Sunday, May 22, 2005
Really yesterday was great. The hours of talking and sorting through things helped out a great deal. SO I have made the first steps in contacting my mother and my old friend. Two of the people I need to make peace with and have some heartfelt discussions with each of them. I do not feel as scared as I did. So by God's grace I just kinda did it. I did not go into detail just made two calls out for each of them to establish contact.
So the pawns have been set, and it's up to God now for the next step. I guess just knowing that God planned this when I needed it just helps me so much more inwanting to face it and move onward to the next step. Even if the outcome is not very good and worse case scnario where I make contact and bad comes of it, may I realize that I need to depend on God to make it through. every day, every step. Depend on him more than I am or have been. It's an amazing feeling but knowing that I have got to buckle down and cofront whatever comes of this now.
posted by Tom at 2:39 PM
3 comments
Yesterday was a blast. It was nice and long yes but wel worth it. I did get my yearly sunburn. And I didnt even feel it was that hot. Now the sad part is I bought sun block and did not use it!!!!!!!!
Well yesterday I woke up nice n early and then went to the tennessee rennassaince festival.IT was a blast. I git lots of pictures. I am so pleased. As with the manual focus lens I have I am getting bettet with it. Sure thee are still shots I mess up but there are gettng to be many more that are GOOD shots. After the ren fest I got to go eat dinner with my dad and his gf. I have not had a sit down dinner like that in a very long time. That was great. a nice blesing to add to the day's value. It was a weird eccelectic kind of meal as nothing really went together, but it was all good though. And as always my dad gave me some extra stuff he had. So now I have a dining room table yeah!!! it's ben years.....well its more a bar table than anything. But it's a place to sit down n eat now. The cycle is complete...well now I need a washer n dryer again and I will be complete furniture wise!! ANd yesterdayu I got plenty of good talking in with the accountability, since we had 3 1/2 hours trip each way. ANd I think I came to a few conclusions. Once again God really came through. ANd I really now do feel that he wants me to close the books on a few chapters and get things cleaned up. Maybe then after that I can truley move onward. There are 4 people I needed to make peace with. Well now that is three as I was able to talk to my brother. My dad I just need to sit down and get some info on my history, my mohter, and then one other person. Now I was shocked to know that I may have been so very close to her yesterday. After all these years of not knowing There she is. But I could not find her. But This is God's test. I can, or at least have a way, to ask and find out if it is who I think it is. But that is the scary part of it. And I do not feel as scared about it as I did yesterday upon finding out. So even though I do not have definite answers on the location of her or my mother, I have a direction to check out and God willing it will happen. SO that I have this will I take this chance or will I scare my self away? This is great, even though this is some scary stuff filled with many emotions...when God works this way, I do want to do it more. Good days, yes! Scary days too even. Kick through the walls and tear them down. And I did find the missing start on my book.....so no more starting over whew!! And I am sunburned....its a battle scar hah!
posted by Tom at 9:44 AM
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Friday, May 20, 2005
Ok great wonderful wild news. Im freakin fat. I am back up to 315 the number I never wanted to be again. I am going to die if I keep this up. I have got to loose this weight but I cannot seem to do anything about it. Or don't.
I have my good days and bad, now I am back at Bad. Wonderful Now I realised I just passed up marks my 6th year since I broke up with my last girlfriend. Wow 6 freakinyears. Oh and now my car needs $500 of work and thats just the latest. I tried to get some maintenice done but I have been told that, in other words, my transmission will up and die on my, and that my tires will pop off the wheel if I go fast or hit a pothole. I cant afford a new car............................................................ Breathing now. Good thing that Trent really wanted to go to the Ren Fest tomorrow. This will be good as it will boil down to 6-8 hours, while on the road, for the accountability. Wow mega dose. But tomorrow I get to go to my 4th Rennsassiance festival. There will be jousting, shows, archery, belly danciners, live chess, sword play, candle making, and glass blowers too. And even a real castle!!! Yeah it's always been fun. And I will have my beloved camera with me taking many pictures. I cant wait. But I really need some focus. I am feeling lost again as I am slipping away. This is what is called a struggle and it continues onward. I am not all upset about it as it's God's plan and there is a reason for this. Tonight before Bed I shall focus, and prepare, and pray. ANywon else that wishes to pray with/for me please do. I need all the help I can get. There is no excuse for me getting this way. I know it says over and over that if we call upon God in his name...everything is laid out before us so why do I continue the same things over and over when I know it is leading me in a bad place. Too much for tonight. Just mind is scrambled and I feel so very out of place today.
posted by Tom at 8:43 PM
0 comments
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Well I realized one thing, if I need god I should not exclude myself in prayer. It is as bad as forgetting to pray for others. I am starting to sense a common lesson he is trying to tell me. If my heart is receptive enough to put it into action and my mind open enough to hear it.
He has given me plenty to ponder over at least in contrast. Now with several book on my list to read I think it's time to slow down and let some of it sink in further. But maybe time to explore and seek out on the next level. I really wish I knew where my life was to go from here. The signs are pointing towards something bigger and very much more relationship based. With God and one with myself and maybe the desire of a family I have wanted for so long. God Willing that is. I am starting to feel that I will not marry out of Love. It will be a marriage in which we both draw closer to the Lord. Marry in his glory and not from Love. There will be love however but if the marriage takes away from God that is bad. Here is what I wander. Knowing my history and parents divorce, my walk in faith, am I ready for a relationship, marriage, and family? As much as I want to break a cycle, and make up for my parents, choice and give back to God a family for him. Or does God know it may be of good intentions but I may take it away? Know that I will loose focus? Know that I may not endure through it all? Or know that I am ready or not. I know that it says it's not good for man to be alone. But I grow tired of seeing others have someone, even though most times they do not last, but they are not as alone as I feel at times. I feel that he is telling me I am not ready but keep on drawing towards him and I may get that in which I desire. A much closer relationship with God, through Christ, in the Holy Spirit. And from that I will be ready for a holy or serious relationship where a wife and child may come out of it. I really am at a crossroads. My faith is at a turning point where it is going to make or break, well shift into the next gear. I still feel he is calling me into something important. I keep trying to get there and then my sins set me back a step or two but, I don't stop. It is his grace that really keep me coming back. Grace, that is given when it is not deserved. Yesterday I reached a checkpoint. While I was camping to see Star Wars I met some folks in line and chilled with them. They were real cool but only 17. Typically I really wanted to be friends with them, then again I thought the girl was attractive, and her boyfriend was pretty cool. But I knew that really were folks I tried to make friends with in an earlier life, well only a few years ago. But now I wanted friends closer to God and more spiritual. They were good folks don't get me wrong. But I knew there were limits I had to draw and stay on one side of them. That is where God wants me now. Drawing new limits in my life, my sins, and my habits. Not to mention my walk. I looked back and saw there were some steps in progress. I need to become a role model for even myself. A beacon for God. Change my ways and turn from my sins and become strong. Walking the christian faith is fine n dandy lemme tell ya, but if we are not willing to endure and not give up our selfish ways, what good is it? Yes give me the sticker that says I am a christian, but I am not wanting to do anything for it. Because Christians are "Peaches n fun" and not dark or have any struggles. Am I a pillar? Not yet, I must learn to stand tall and firm in Christ. If I want the relationship with God, a marriage in Christ that can help me draw to God and give honor to God, then I am going to have to work for it. I am going to have to make a stand and do so solidly on the rock. Thus the mid twenties crisis continues
posted by Tom at 6:24 PM
4 comments
Monday, May 16, 2005
...is saying no to myself.
posted by Tom at 9:49 PM
0 comments
I am sitting here wanting to write but nothing comes to mind. I am still settling in the thoughts of this weekend. The day I have tomorrow, the week I have ahead of me and the TV show I just watched. Oh boy. It's all good but I am getting very contemplative.
Just settling in my mind of life and what I have seen from the scriptures I have read and meditated on. I decided to not pray for myself for a week. See how to pray and think of others some more. I did go down to the JEff St mens shelter and start seting up the computer lab there. So soon I may be the admin of the network there so the residents can check email, find jobs, send resumes all that good stuff. I hope to be able to teach some folks how to use it. It will be fun. I enjoyed every minute of it. And Saturday I have the Rennassaince festival to look forward to. There wil be jousting, live chess, glass making, candle making, joksters, belly dancers, fire walkers, archery range the works. This will be my fourth year going. It will be a long day indeed. Wow even moreso I still read on more of the word and letting it sink in. Just alot goin on, I took yesterday off from sojourn to rest, and it ended a lazy fest and not one of meditation like I originally wanted. That and the one major chapter I had on my book, well it dissapeared. Now I pretty much have to start over again. This sucks. But maybe there is a reason for it, I just do not see it yet. Fun times ahead that is for sure, good times ahead in thw word and understanding.....finding ways it applies into my life.
posted by Tom at 9:12 PM
0 comments
Sunday, May 15, 2005
Yesterdaythe meditation went rahter well. I did get some more heartfelt prayer and meditation for once. But now I really am at a loss of words. It's another time to slow down and listen. After I meditated and prayed yesterday, I watched the movie Luther. It was real good. It got me thinking. And reading more now he is speaking. ANd I just need to hang low and listen for a few days. As I do not want to tell of everything on here and it becomes so numerous that its more about sharing my wisdom than sharing my stopry, my walk, and faith.
Just one day at a time... ...listening ...breathing ...being
posted by Tom at 12:20 PM
2 comments
Saturday, May 14, 2005
What a long day yesterday. Went ok and better than I thought even though my night plans were shot, but the alternative ended up being a lot of fun. Then staying up until 2 and waking up at 8:30 ish, I know I should still be sleep but I need a nap today anyways so I can work tonight. But that's not what is on my mind.
After my weekly accountability time yesterday I really got to thinking, then again when do I not. That I really haven't had some serious meditation time. Not deep thoughts, or serious prayer, but down right deep breaths, reading scriptures, applying them to my life, praying, and meditating on them. I know there is something I am not letting go of that's keeping me from getting closer to God. Is it pride? I don't know. But maybe I am not ready to give up total control. It is either something I hold on to or a series of things in my life that I do not let go of. Most if not all of it is self. The power of self. That has got to be the most difficult thing to do. Letting go and putting God in complete control. I don't want complete control but I do want some in my life. How can I have both? I also like to have a map or know where I am going. But as of right now I am here until God compels me elsewhere. I have no dreams or goals right now as far as vocation goes or career, family, what ever when ever. For now I am just here. As everything else has fallen through. I still want for me. Maybe that is what I am holding onto. That 10 year old that was hurt so many years ago. Holding on until he gets that better life, happier life, a loving life. Wow who knows. It could be a series of things I am holding onto. Even my sins now a days are coming down to once common factor...me. And no one else. On another blog I started reading the blogger was told to read psalms. I did not think that was the best answer as it seemed generic but the book I am reading suggested meditating on the psalms and mentioned psalms 119 namely verses 33-37 which seem to be exactly where I am at right now. At a crossroads Teach me, O LORD, to follow your decrees; then I will keep them to the end. Give me understanding, and I will keep your law and obey it with all my heart. Direct me in the path of your commands, for there I find delight. Turn my heart toward your statutes and not toward selfish gain. Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word. (Psalms 119:33-37, NIV) In fact there is more to psalms 119, so much more. That and maybe even Proverbs 9:1-6 as it is about wisdom. I still love the part, to paraphrase, let all who are unwise come in here, eat the food I have prepared, drink the wine that I have made. Leave your simple ways and walk in the way of understanding. To this day that sticks out. And yesterday another point was made. I have made some choices I felt were unwise and I called them just that. But who really knows what is wise or not only God can know. Very good point indeed that an unwise choice now could mean very wise when it all comes together. And vice versa. So maybe that is something else I can work on. Not judging even myself in wise/unwise. Well since the rain it dropped the weather some, so this may be a perfect breezy cool time to ponder up some meditation.
posted by Tom at 8:57 AM
0 comments
Friday, May 13, 2005
The joys and the fun, I will actually be turning 27 here soon. June 3rd. Trying to think what kinds of b-day fun to have. Now I can actually tell people my right age. For some odd reason first part of the year I told everyone I was 27. recently I am back to telling them I am 26. Only in time to be 27. I guess my own math sucks in age. Must be first sign of getting old, not knowing how old you are!!
I bought Phantom of the Opera on DVD but have not watched the whole thing yet. I think a new mnovie campaign has entered my life. I cannot watch a movie at home start to finish. Currently it seems to revolve around dinner. And that will be about 20 minutes maybe. I am watching more tv but its concentrated like 30 minutes at a time. But my reading is way up. And I still miss Cartoon Network like mad. I want it back :( So is my writing. I am trying to get an article done for Relevant's online magazine. I have it typed out and hope to get a few opinions and spell/grammer checked before I submit it. That and I am hoping to still write a book or two. I have lots of stuff I have written along the way and hope to compile them here soon. And there is still a chapter or two along the way I want to add to it. Next week is going to be a blast. I am off Wednesday and I'll have a star wars mini marathin and then watch it opening night at midnight. Oh that's going to be great. Then on saturday my annual trip to the Tennessee Rennassaince festival will go down....oh yeah. Shows, jousting, craftsmen, comedians, real life chess, glass making, belly dancers, archery, turkey legs, scotch eggs........ahhhhhhhh And my camera too....oh yeah. I did talk to the director at the Jeff St Men's shelter. Monday I will go there and start looking at the computers and see what they all need. I will get the computers working, network them and after the lab is up and running I will monitor it once or twice a week. Woo hoooo an IT job!!! But this is going to be fun as I can teach and help out again. Help others learn email, tying resumes, computers, and the internet. That's what I loved about doing Tech Support for a while, I felt I was helping and teching folks. That didn't last long. But these people I can interact with face to face day to day. Might be a good chance for ministry. Podcasting has been great. I have been taking sermons to work and listening to them while I am working. And other religious songs or books. A lot of Dave Ramsey that's for sure. And now for the relgious aspect, I love how God works. AS I started getting worried about one thing and he started answering that prayer before I prayed for it. But then my prayer life as of late has sucked. I thik I can see how missing group or sermon can hurt. Even if it's one. It seems I am weakest if I miss a group like I did last week. And missed sermon but I was helping in the nursery with the 5 year olds. That was alot of fun. A cool night. I think I might try that again every so often. But missing that and the my thursday group....i seemed dull my edge I had. It could be nothing as I may be thinking too much into it. But its a pattern. Today I get to have my weekly accountabilty meeting. That's going to be good. I do have some serious issues to discuss as far as faithand understanding god's grace. I mean Understanding not just knowing. Talked much again I have. Time to get with the day.
posted by Tom at 8:13 AM
1 comments
Thursday, May 12, 2005
I think that is the last time I eat something that weird before I go to bed. In fact may be last time I eat much of anything before bed. I am afraid one night I will die choking on vomit. As its happening more frequently. I sometimes wake up with something acidic in my throat. Which in some cases causes lots of coughing, and other times I just need to wash it down with a glass or two of water. Then I am fine. This only occurs when I am in bed and I wake up to this. Its hurts more than it is disgusting. But I do fear one day will be bad.
But anyways my dreams are so freakin weird. Last night was a combo of and old sega genesis game Golden Axe, Star wars, and then regular mixing of random stuff. Even in my dream I decided that goofing off and sleeping in a common area, I knew I had no chances with this girl (not for sex, just chances for a relationship/friendship)so I had went into another room and slept by myself. Even in rest I cant escape my weird pshychi. Or weirdness in general. On a side note I love the warm summer nights, well the coolness that allows me to turn off the air and sleep with windows opened. Oh that feels sooooooooooooo wonderful. I love that. But the freakin 80 degress inthe day turns my place into an oven. But I love the nice cool crisp summer air. Makes me want to go out for a walk. Be nice to take a walk with a girl out in this weather one day. Feel sooooo nice. But last night I got back onthe scale again. After looking at my weight again it hit me my weight and faith are going through the same thing. In fact I have the title for the next chapter in my book I hope to one day publish. I know I look more like 250, I wished I were. I am more 310. I know there are things I should or could do but I do not do them. Same thing with my faith. I just dont do them. Or I let things go and pretend they all will work themselves out. I am still making some progresses in faith this is true, but however I cannot seem to push through this lil hole in the wall to get to the other side. This is what discipline is, and from psalms 15:4, to put simply we keep our word even if it will cause us pain. Same thing. I need to let go of somethings and push throough that hole in the wall and its gonna hurt, it's gonna cause suffering, it's gonna require loss and sacrifice, above all it's gonna require change. Knowing that my ways are in need of change for better more positive and health yet I do not do them. And that lack of discipline is a sin. As James tells us. I guess I still need to be broken. Learning to say no, or learning to deal with less, learning to accept and mot dwell. Well this is where I am. Behind my own back I am rebuilding up the walls that God is helping me tear down. And knowing I do that it's hard to go back to him and ask to help me tear it down some more when only I hang on so tightly those bricks go back up. Not all of them but most of them.
posted by Tom at 7:31 AM
1 comments
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Driving home after the show, I decided I wanted doughnuts. I am about to go to bed and I just had two doughnuts and a pickle.
Why? Becasue I am Tom and The Tom is weird like that. Im debating on drinking the pickle juice. Let me tell you about the time in the eight grade I started dipped pork skins in vanilla ice cream. That's some good stuff lemme tell ya. In all seriousness I do know something, err noticed rather. My faith. It's stuttering right now. It's still running but witha an increasing numbers of sputters and stalls. And its tied into my physical health and my weight. Why am I stalling? This is where Satan attacks isn't it? Where he draws my thoughts away at the last minute while my guard is down. Oh well I at least had a pickle and two doughnuts, and listened to a band tonight. Time for bed as no cohereant thoughts are forming, other than selfish ones.
posted by Tom at 10:24 PM
2 comments
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Wow I can't beleive it. for the first time in my life I am evaluating my friends. Seriously. Not the friends I am making or the new ones. But the ones I have known for a long time. The ones that I may not get to join in my walk, and must continue in mine.
Like my friend R, my best friend actually. Around him we cut up and goof off. And this is next to work my greatest source of cussing and swearing. He goes to church but leads the life in lust. Fairly confrontational, but a good friend. Spiritually not a good friend. He calims God has everything happen for a reason but then you mention God in a way he doesnt like he ridicules. And does not seem to get the doing things out of love and respect. Then there is B. He is critial harshly of any organized religion. Also very dominated by Lust. But he is getting into the spiritual/zen aspects of easter religion. Hard to hang out with him as it comes down alot to "chunky asses" he loves pointing out every time an attractive woman walks by. He has come a long ways though as he used to be fairly angry, but not to bad lately. He is also one of the few that, did not agree with my transformation in 97, but accepted it. Then is another friend D, she is a sweet girl. But it is hard to know what she really wants. SHe speaks of God and then of postive vibes and the universe, and referring to it as "her" She got me into, very breifly, Urantia. It had some good stuff but alas I got the book and could not read the whole thing and lost interest in it. But she is intelligent, but she does get too wrapped up in relationships though that she looses herself. I have more and more friends I can go on with but the ones that I needed, or could have used of benefit, were not there in my change. As of now I do not want to be around them as much. The things I used to tolerate, I now DO NOT want to tolerate. Like the "Chunky asses" or the "dates" my freinds go on. I just want to clear my mind of these desires and focus in on real lrelationships and draw closer to God. And some of these friends I can barely even offer advice to, let alone live in an example. Now my newer friends in christ that I have been meeting have really started growing on me. But stopping while I am on my "godly un-godly" pit-stop I look back and see these friends. And realize, I have changed and so has my heart. I do not want to stay like that, yet I do not want to throw away a friendship. But I know that I want to get closer to God and being friends with them, is putting a strain on it. And one day I will have to make a hard choice, them or God. They will not like the answer, let alone my views if I were to tell them this. Is it my newer heart to feel the wrong? Is it my new eyes to see the wrong? Is it my newing mind that understnads it is wrong? Knowing that I see my path veering off from them and onto newer or redeeming roads...I am ok with that. I don't know my role in life is leadership, but mayhaps one of support and loyalty. But to have friends and suport on the earth and greater in heavan, it's a warm feling throught the gunk of funk. Depressed and overwelmed? No but a working process. The friends are only the first. My worldly desires are next and lessening as well. I want to let it go. I want to let myself go. For now I will continue to follow. His will is being done. The more I accept that the better I feel. And my favorite hymn or gospel song, I am closer to understanding the first lines. UNDERSTANDING. Amazing GRACE. How sweet the sound that saved a WRETCH like me. I once was LOST but not am FOUND. Was BLIND but now I see. Twas GRACE that taught my heart to FEAR... Grace That's what is is about. FOr many years just as my friends have as well, have heard about grace. Now it is yeah yeah yeah grace, I know that. But do we really know? Do we really know that we are putting so much on relationships here and now that we forget the super relationship forever? Maybe we are, maybe we are not. But for me, the change is here. Was wandering not knowing where to go. I have been called by name. My vision is changing, now I am starting to see. So this song has alwasy stuck with me. And now it's fitting in. New days are here. The old dies, and the new start. Just many a thought for one night. SLowly I say goodby to the friends of old, and start saying hello. Disclaimer: No spellcekcer was used, sorry folks
posted by Tom at 9:52 PM
2 comments
Monday, May 09, 2005
Here is what I am seeing now-a-days. Well in James it tells us that anyone that is a friend of the world is an enemy of God. Gods laws and rules really are simple. Too simple as you accept the first one and everything else falls into place. Much like an umbrealla, there is one point at the top and everything else under it is a part of it.
But the laws of man are many upon many. Better yet may we call it society rather than the wrold. And here society really does go against God in so many ways. Where God is teaching to love and to serve and the art of self-discipline where as society teaches us to be self centered and inwardly focused. Do what we want and whatever makes us feel good when we want it. So it is doing a great job of how to be alone. This is why we are seeing a growing numbers of singled out groups like nazi's, femenists, racists, homosexuals, godless, politics, rich getting richer and poor getting poorer, and even down to each man/woman just conceited and self-centered. The list does go on for a long time. For a long time I had trouble with the "friend of the world" passage. I didn't know what it really meant. But it seems it is "be good to yourself" "Think of you and only you" "it feels so good, just do it" etc, etc. And then making friends also seems to be a self-satisfaction society wants us to have. Don't get me wrong its great to have friends but... Are we really seeking friends for the right reasons? Are we doing any of these in the glory of God? Above all, me being one of them, we seem to forget that God should be our best friend, mentor, father, everything. When I sit down and ponder these things I realize that the laws of Society have really blocked me. Even as I draw closer to God and start knowing and understanding his grace there seems to be a block or a wall that I cant get around. My worldly beleifs seems to not be letting me through. In fact it does a good job of hiding this wall under dense fog wheras I forget where it is at whenever I go looking for it. I guess here soon I may need to meditate upon what I seek. ANd my realtionships with my friends. Are they drawing me closer to God? Are the influencing me away from him? Are they teaching me to be selfless or selfish? I just never thought that I would get to the point I would start questioning my friendships. Besides many had a good chance to accept my christian faith a few years ago and no one allowed it. In fact things only got worse and with no support...well I did get burned but walked away with the same core beielfs. But it has taken a while before I have got it back. A very long time. I think I should write a book.
posted by Tom at 9:12 AM
3 comments
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Ya know I think I scare people more when I am awake or have sleep on a night where it would seem I wont get any. Like last night being Derby night at work I thought I would not get out in time for some sleep before my sunday festivities. But I did. And told one pregnant woman she was, in a funny voice, she was getting fat. It was so funny. But funny out of shock. They knew I was joking but I could tell it didnt go well. Well it went well but they voiced concerns. Im a stinker......at least thats what Bugs Bunny would say "Aint I an stinker?"
I did have a fun experience working with the kids today. In fact this one kid whopped (sp) us in winny the pooh memory game. I mean he was good. I have seen so much in the book I am reading, that devotionals, and just time with God lately that I can't even begin to come up with concrete thoughts. As the same thoughts and beleifs I have had for so long I have just accepted them with out really knowing them. And now I am really getting to know some of them and all I can do is go "Oh" and then "Ooh!" And so on. The light comes on brighter and brighter each time. I think it's not growing up any more, its now a sense of maturing. Or sharpening the blade than accepting it as dull. That and being all about relationships I think, feel God is really telling me something. Not just finding a significant other, but all relationships. Mainly spiritually. Now one fact that I got tonight makes me think of my mother. Drawing closer to God may allow me to love and forgive her again. Many of my firends are not the best influences for me to be around. Don;t get me wrong I love my friends, but so far my friends outside of Sojourn, well are spiritual drainers. And now I am not wanting to be around them as much anymore. And with the people at Sojourn...well that's a different story. I can be myself, live, learn and love. It's all fun and a learning experience. More on that later.
posted by Tom at 9:39 PM
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Friday, May 06, 2005
I really didn't want to post that last entry, but I did anyways. It seems that the closer I draw to God and understand his mercy and grace the more I dread over sin. Mourn and wail almost.
Which is good as it shows I am becoming more aware. Some desires and sins are easier to battle off, some are not. I still am just listening and observing trying to hear what god is telling me. Actually I am kinda out of it right now. I was reading more of every man's battle" and it seems to be very ailienating. It is great as it does give more insigts and a christian marriage. Actually some of it has been very enlightening. But it seems to keep on from that "married" aspect than the single aspect. And I am so tired of being reminded how single I am. So my struggles are not theones that the book is trying to fight against. I know for many years I would not say not to myself and be good to me and get the things I wanted. Becasue if I didn't who would? Now I know it is God who will. But I seemingly picked up some habits that are hard to break. I know that I am not alone...anymore. At least in spirit anyways. It seems like I am fussing with God alot to have things my way or struggle in telling myself no. Especially when it sinks on me more and more of what is his will and what does or does not bring glory to him. It's almost like I am living in star wars 5, The empire strikes back....this is the part where everyone's character seems to get more defined by so many events happening at once. Not saying I am loosing but I am in the middle of some serious changes and I am notthe same character I was in the first part...so-to-speak. It sucks that I missed group last night, I think I needed it, but now this gives me time to go over the notes myself. I guess all of this is an overwelming feeling inside me goin on right now. Which is good, it means I am working though something....no God is working me through something. Back to listening. ...no spellcheckers were used
posted by Tom at 6:24 PM
3 comments
I am still doing what I can to listen and understnad.
...wisdom tooth is giving me pain again ...talked to my brother last night, one of the people I wanted to make peace with, and did. ...got to take pictures of the Pegasus Parade for work which was fun, but I missed group. ... I dunno I guess I don't have as much to write about as I first though I did. Going to be a long weekend. As tomorrow is Derby a few packages at work and lots of special sections. I hope I get out early enough to sleep as Sunday isa a double wammy. I volunteered to help with the children during service and then I found it is my groups turn for hopsitality. SO now I am needed by 3:30 oh boy what a day. Then Monday I will be as lazy as I can plus some to rest of from a long two days. For now may I rest and read more, get tounderstand more about myself, the Man God is calling me to be, and more about God. Learn more of him and I will be revealed who I am. Shutting up now.
posted by Tom at 8:19 AM
0 comments
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Someone must be praying for me. I can feel it. That and I have nothing to say really. And I may not for a few days. At least not as far as my walk goes. I dont wanna talk or share but for some reason I just want to listen and observe. So someone must be praying or have me in their thoughts.
So I shall be quiet now. And do my best to listen.
posted by Tom at 10:20 PM
1 comments
Monday, May 02, 2005
And have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Col 3:10 NLT
After reading this I can see where sin is a constant struggle. If we put on the robes and is is always being cleaned and renewed, why would it need to be unless it gets dirty with sin over and over. This was and is a very comforting tidbit to come to know and understand. Now the verse that really hit me last ngiht that I read over and over and it took me a while before I could move on was: Whatever we do, it is because Christ's love controls us. Since we believe that Christ died for everyone, we also believe that we have all died to the old life we used to live. He died for everyone so that those who receive his new life will no longer live to please themselves. Instead, they will live to please Christ, who died and was raised for them. 2 Cor 5:14-15 NLT But how it was explained in the book I was reading made so much better sense. So I shall use that and illustrate this story. It is based upon 2 Cor 5:21 As being a resident on the lovely place called Earth I went down to the local Sin-Mart and bought all sorts of things. Now not everything that Sin-Mart had was bad. Some of the things were of good use. But its not the item that is good or bad, it is what is done with said items. Well I go to check out and use my credit card. Actually it was aptly named Master Card. So I gave the cashier my MC and then informed me that my sins were charged to Jesus and I was credited his rightousness. So that's when it hit me in those terms....he pays for the sins and gives us rightousness in return. Looking at it like a purchase like this really hit home. But the book went one more step to paraphrase it to even this.... God treated CHrist as we deserved to be treated in order that He might treat us as He deserved. That is grace. I am still letting this thought settle in as much as it can. Needing to understand this is a key. I know of God's grace but I don't know God's grace. or know it like I should.
posted by Tom at 9:13 AM
0 comments
Sunday, May 01, 2005
FOr whatever reason lately I have been drinking stale water. At work I may have water left over in one of my bottles and Ill drink it a day or two later. Even laying around the apartment I may have a cup of water sit out over night and I'll drink from it again the next day. Who knows. But it's quite stale but I drink it anyways.
Tonights festivites were trickled down quite a bit. Everyone called out for my Family Guy bash. So I have a clean apartment and lots of chips and popcorn. I still had a lot of laughs though. It felt great to see a new episode that I could laugh at agian and again. But now this is where I sit and start to think. I need to reflect upon the sermon from today. It's very much were I am at in most of my walk right now. trying to learn to give up my wants and replace them with God's. It's not the easiest thing to settle. I really have no idea where my life is going or what's going to happen next and that is where I have my troubles accepting things. When I was a freshmen in high school I wanted to become a chef. I planned on going to Sullivan for four years. I wanted to graduate high school, move here to Louisville, attend Sullivan, graduate, get a job, become a chef, find a woman, settle down, have a family. Obviously that's not what God has planned for me in that order. I wanted to know I had a goal in life and aimed for that and set my mind to it and acheive. Now there seems to be much frustations in my life as I do not have a clue or direction. I have a direction in God but have no idea of career, vocation, anything. So far I have work, my own apartment, and church and live with that day in day out. Not having those goals in life anymore.....it hasn't been all peaches and fun. So then I guess I have to fnd what I am not letting go of. ...and then let go. I still dont know the fine tune as to what or who God is calling me to be or has planned for me, but I do know this. He has heard my cries and is showing them to me. Before the next pahse or chapter in life comes about I need to learn a few more things and chage a lot. I would not say growing up, but maturing in life and faith. I do feel that he really is breaking me so that he can remold me after my sins and foolish actions have changed alot around. It's just hard going into things blindly when I see others acheiving and becoming while I stay behind. Yes it's a struggle but its a maturing step. At least now that I am almost 27, I am back to telling people I am 26...I still don't know why there for a while I kept telling people i was 27, as-if I cant do math. hahaha
posted by Tom at 9:33 PM
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links.tom links.other sojourn.blogs blogs.other blogroll.christian Thy way, not mine, O lord Thy way, not mine, O Lord, However dark it be; Lead me by Thine own hand, Choose out the path for me.
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