Well I could not get into a meditative space last night before bed. So today while I am doing laundry I hope to hide myself deeply in a book.

Right before my road trip I find my car needs $400 of work put into it.. And then yesterday a belt breaks off and the altenator goes out. So I could be potentially out of a altenator which adds near 300 to that mix. And then there is still more work that needs to be done after that. So my car troubles seem to compaund rather quickly at a bad time.

Then I spent another 40 bucks on eharmony to fail once again. It is hope the I cling to that I try things like that. And none ofthem have ever worked. I have learned that ALL women are insecure and shallow, and the ones that are not are married. They say find a good girl go to church...wrong. I see that the ones who are with and without God are the same women. For me this hurts as I have not really had the close love from a woman since I was 10. I grew up w/o a mother and the nearest one, my grandmother, was clear on the other side of the state. And now shes gone. SO left is none.

WIth the car troubles this adds to the complexities in getgin a new or at least a part time job. Even the wonderful monster.com that is supposed to find people jobs, well my skills are not wanted as my resumes do not even get looked at. So I am stuck at a job that is ok, it pays the bills but I can't get out of it. I am stuck.

Even trying to get my finances budgested I cant seem to get them done. As for one various car happenings cost me for a while and things like that and other unexpected costs is a huge facotr in not getting my finances together again. Lack of finding a second job I cant get extra money coming in to help pay for any thing either.

I am trying to get out of this mess and I cant. For whatever reason does God want me to sit here and suffer trhough all this and do everything ALONE? have I been condemned to this fate? I wished he would just tell me so that I stop clinging to Hope that rarely ever comes around to me.

But today I will make it through yet again. I am trying to see God's resoning in this to see what this "excersize" is supposed to do for me in life. Persevere for what? Well then again it's for him and not me. I tend to forget that. We are here temporary on this world. Am I living for him? I try to yes. But I forget and think of me.

It just hurts to not have and fmaily around me, they all live in another state, no one to love or to be loved, and living in the shadow of bad circumstances and choices and sins does hurt the soul. As I know mine is hurting. But one day it will not hurt any longer.

Until that day I keep fightin the fight.