What a long day yesterday. Went ok and better than I thought even though my night plans were shot, but the alternative ended up being a lot of fun. Then staying up until 2 and waking up at 8:30 ish, I know I should still be sleep but I need a nap today anyways so I can work tonight. But that's not what is on my mind.

After my weekly accountability time yesterday I really got to thinking, then again when do I not. That I really haven't had some serious meditation time. Not deep thoughts, or serious prayer, but down right deep breaths, reading scriptures, applying them to my life, praying, and meditating on them.

I know there is something I am not letting go of that's keeping me from getting closer to God. Is it pride? I don't know. But maybe I am not ready to give up total control. It is either something I hold on to or a series of things in my life that I do not let go of.

Most if not all of it is self. The power of self. That has got to be the most difficult thing to do. Letting go and putting God in complete control. I don't want complete control but I do want some in my life. How can I have both? I also like to have a map or know where I am going. But as of right now I am here until God compels me elsewhere. I have no dreams or goals right now as far as vocation goes or career, family, what ever when ever. For now I am just here. As everything else has fallen through. I still want for me.

Maybe that is what I am holding onto. That 10 year old that was hurt so many years ago. Holding on until he gets that better life, happier life, a loving life. Wow who knows. It could be a series of things I am holding onto. Even my sins now a days are coming down to once common factor...me. And no one else.

On another blog I started reading the blogger was told to read psalms. I did not think that was the best answer as it seemed generic but the book I am reading suggested meditating on the psalms and mentioned psalms 119 namely verses 33-37 which seem to be exactly where I am at right now. At a crossroads

Teach me, O LORD, to follow your decrees; then I will keep them to the end.
Give me understanding, and I will keep your law
and obey it with all my heart. Direct me in the path of your commands,
for there I find delight. Turn my heart toward your statutes
and not toward selfish gain. Turn my eyes away from worthless things;
preserve my life according to your word. (Psalms 119:33-37, NIV)

In fact there is more to psalms 119, so much more. That and maybe even Proverbs 9:1-6 as it is about wisdom. I still love the part, to paraphrase, let all who are unwise come in here, eat the food I have prepared, drink the wine that I have made. Leave your simple ways and walk in the way of understanding.

To this day that sticks out. And yesterday another point was made. I have made some choices I felt were unwise and I called them just that. But who really knows what is wise or not only God can know. Very good point indeed that an unwise choice now could mean very wise when it all comes together. And vice versa. So maybe that is something else I can work on. Not judging even myself in wise/unwise.

Well since the rain it dropped the weather some, so this may be a perfect breezy cool time to ponder up some meditation.