 Thursday, June 29, 2006
There was a post I started before Monday' news. I have it in a draft, and its long. May get longer here soon. In a nutshell where I am now is there are moments of need or moments of Sin whereas we, especially I, do not turn towards God at that time. Not if we don;t think of it, but yet when the thoguht comes into our minds that we should see God or pray or think out or anything that points to God at the time...and we ignore that, isnt that a greater sin than sinning itself?
I know that my issues are not the worst in the world. In fact I have a firend right now, gave birth to twins this week and died a few hours later. Here he is now a single father, lost his suitible helper and dealing with death and two births in one day. That is some stuff stuff. And here I am sitting along complaining or worrying about my stuff, yet I can;t fathom how he has been able to wake up everyday to face the new world he has been thrust into. God is working in his life with many friends and family that have not left his side. Maybe I should put things into persepctive. No matter how bad thigns are God is there, the universe is at work. On a normal and good day the same thing. And seeking or turning to God everyday, may sound like a bit much, but after two or three days, I start to feel a difference in my thoughts and actions in everyday things. Not just sinning, but every little thing too. My thoguhts and desires and actions. Wel these are my thoguths for now...who knows what the day will bring.
posted by Tom at 8:43 AM
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Monday, June 26, 2006
I woke up this morning, or afternoon, as usual from working night shift, tired, frustrated and just lazy not wanting to do anything. I did manage to budget out a few thigns for the next three weeks, and then get a bill paid. I was tired n grupmy starting off the day.
Then picked up some of my fav lunch and took it home. I got into my recliner, popped in one of my fav tv shows and just started eating lunch. I had just created my zone and was ready to chill Then I got a phone call that changed it all. I found that a mutual friend that I played D and D with a few times, his wife was pregnant with twins. Long story short, she died and the twins survived. This is just too surreal, still hard to beleive right now. So tongiht in group we will have some serious prayer time. But my tone has changed. From grumpy on the start, to now my heart going out to another family. in fact two guys in my group have connections to this friend. So this effects three men in my group. I still can't beleive it. He had his wife yesterday and now she is gone, no warning or exit just gone. I do not know the family well enough right now to do much for them, but I know there are many folks there for them right now. The lives this effects is happening on a crazy week. But I know that I can pray for them at least. It is times like this it is hard to understand god and his sovreignty. I think he was a christian, so this is just.... I dunno. life happens yes. But that still does not make things any easier. Still hard to believe right now. Just a wee tad too much surreal right now...I think that's the word I wana use.
posted by Tom at 3:30 PM
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Wednesday, June 21, 2006
First for the record....this quiz has alot to do with this post...it's not just another quizzy deal. There seem to be just too many of them out there but, this one does seem to tie in.
Now indie flicka are often unheard of, off the radar, never stood a chance in Hollywood, yet they often have the better stories to be told and are often bette movies all around, I think they call them films. Well in looking back at my life, my story if it were to be put in a movie....wow. In fact I am learning to make even the worst of my past in a complete saga of who I am today. So that I not forget a chapter or two as no matter how good or bad or even different it may have been, it is still a part of me, who I am, it is still my story...and I should not forget that. A few weeks ago in sermon, on Psalms 73 I think it was, there was a point made about seeing what was ment for evil in ones life to see how God has a use for it. So a bad childhood for example, should not be forgotten to see all the wrongs, to see what redemptive qualities God is using in that person's life. Even my own sins should not be forgotten...well this is taking a fine line that love means forgetting sins...But that is another point for another time. But looking at these sins some more evil than others, yet still a sin. How can good be made of them? So when that day comes and our lives are converted onto film, mine would most definately be an Indie flick. It would be dark and melodramatic at times, sad and even happy at times. It would rum the gamut from many emotions, cover nearly everyone of them. No one would hear of the film, they might run across it late night one night, or at an all day festival somewhere. Some will love it, some will hate it, some will just be left exhausted wondering how I ever made it through it all. Especially whent he plot originally started with a once upon a time beginning. It sure went crazy after that. And now it is an epic saga corecting the damage done so long ago. I can't wait to see the ending or at least the end of the chapter before a new season starts. Ya know how most shows have a different theme every season. I can't wait to look back at the end of this season to see the victory. Victory is hard to see much like now being disconnected with God. Right now just the slightest bit is bothering me. So it is hard to see these victories in my ways, my sins, my thoguhts..... So in a nutshell my life would be an indie flick. So for those who are local to me, I hope to see ya at Baxter Ave theatre here one day. I don't think Tinseltwon would play it and I refuse to let my movie be played at Stonybrook.
posted by Tom at 12:58 PM
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Monday, June 19, 2006
I may have lost a friend. They, she is not dead or anything, we did not have a fight, she is still there. But I feel I may have lost her to the world. I beleive that God has answered my prayer. It just did not happen the way I thougth it would.
To tell the story as it is a part of my journey of the last year. This relationship, well friendship has taught me alot and looking at this info has helped me to refocus on a few things. It started May of last year. It was a long distance friendship. It could have become a relationship but due to the distance it never did. I did come to love her and now that love has changed into a Godly love. A love for a sister. We met over this blog actually. Shared email addresses and then it went form there. We talked late nights alot last summer. I mean late. We shared alot with one another. I could see that her journey sounded much like mine. I have cried teh same cries, screamed the same screams, and even though our paths were different, our journies were the same. My feeling for her grew. She was seeking God and a better life through God. She is a single mother of three and one with special needs. It is a challenge for her to go through and to know that above all that, she still wanted to seek God and come to a better understanding. She is very special. God has given her a special role in life. I wanted to help her in whatever way I could and did. But life took us in different directions once fall was drawing near an end and winter on the way. We both were coming into a new direction, me with roomates and learning community etc, and her into an uncomfrtable living situation into one of her own where she could get back on her feet again. Now she has a new chapter in her life this summer. One I know that I can no longer help her on. All I can do is pray for her. Over these last few months I have seen her drift in our friendship. Yet this I am not saddened about. I am saddened that she is struggling much more than ever before with her relationship with God. I can hear it in her voice. She is ashamed to go back to him it seems. She is scared. She no longer goes foten or is able to seek him. I can only point the way, but it really is in his hands now. I have learned more how to love and serve in this case. And how to look at women in Christ. I got a glimpse of being close to a woman. Even though we were never really close, we still knew alot about one another. But the saddest part is not the situations that came in her life, by choice or circumstance, but the fact is she is hurting in her relationship with God. I do want her to have that peace. So back in May there was someone on a paralell road with mine. But like a noodle it can paralell for a while before one or both goes into a different direction. Our paths may cross, what I hope to be many more times on this and the other side of the clouds. But now where my road goes... that is a story within itself. God has given me several glimpses of that life ahead, the road I struggle to stay on. I no longer have anyone to paralell. So the road feels a tad lonely at times. It gets hard when everyone around me is getting into a relationship or married. They have found someone to bond themselves to though Christ, with God. Now the freedom is mine, and the time can and should be devoted to God. When it is my journey that should paralell Christ's journey. My path needs to cross with others in Christ if I am ever to grow. And lately it has. Several times my path has crossed with others and it felt great. Yet I still felt compelled to another path. This year has been as predicted, a year of relationships...and it has so many times, so many ways. My own relationship with God well it has it's days. Yet there he is waiting there for me when I come back.
posted by Tom at 11:55 PM
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Ok so now I sit here and ponder where things are going in life. I know where I have been during these last few days a paralell road to my journey. Now the thing about it is, its slippery I guess as taking that raod no matter how much merit is there, it looks good, sounds good, and everything I have seen is good. Even looking at the scientific and physchological aspects of such path everythign seems legit.
Yet there is one factor that is left out, it is without God. So that path, no matter how legit it seems, does not seem the best path to go. But the battle is there to walk that path. It is also one of thsoe that in order to walk it would mean tio walk away from where I am now. Then again I could take that path and keep God in the radar, yet even as such, I still do not find myself going back to God everyday, I mean really going to him in prayer or meditation anything to build that realtionship. More to come....maybe I just needed to get these thoughts down
posted by Tom at 1:03 PM
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Thursday, June 15, 2006
Just some general ramblings really. Work has been wild this week. They moved us to another part of the building. I don't like the spot to much but its growing on me. It has helped with my production it seems. That and listening to music!
Watched the movie Serenity and like Firely, there is much that can be pondered upon in the realm of God. I have not really been much in reading or prayer, meditation, pretty much any of the connecting stuff lately. And I can see how it is effecting me. I found that one of my good friends is pregnant after she just broke up with her boyfriend. There really isn't much I can do than what I already have been. I know I can't be the one with the answers but only try to guide her back to God. I know there are still many goals that I myself want to accomplsih but I feel there is no reason to get started. I know my finances and weight are two major concerns yet I can't seem to start with the better habits. Some good is that I did make major headway for the next directory for church. That is good. Now I just need to bring it all together. Its bigger than last time. Tonight I get to go to a dinner for the volunteers at Jeff Street. It's just a time to get everyone together away from the center and chill and be thankful for all those who really bring it all together. I think it's going to be fun. If anything it's anight away form the house with some good old folks. This weekend I sorta dread. Both roomates are gone so the place is all mine. With the way things have been I am afraid that bad thoughts or patterns will enter my mind this weekend and take me away from godly things let alone focus. I tend to get in trouble when I am alone like that. At least when I don't want to be alone and happen to be aloen I get into troulbe like going on spending sprees or eating binge ( I guess you could say). I could watch some more movies, least that way I might be able to keep my mind off things. I could try reading but my focus hasnt been there or is hard to once I start. Who knows I might get a good meditation night in there. Turn off the lgiths, light up some inscnse and candles trn on some soothing tunes.....yeah maybe. The bible too. This ends the random thoughts.
posted by Tom at 8:29 AM
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Saturday, June 10, 2006
I had some crazy dreams last night. I think I may want to revisit them. Actually there was one aspect that I may have taken to literally. Looking back or in a broader sense of it...it was right. It was to watch who I would confide in, I guess who I would call a friend.
In other news my mind has been preoccupied these last 24 hours. Yet I see that even no matter how scientific this idea may be, it is not with God. It is with man or earthly realm. So yet one more thing to let me know not to put faith in others before God, yet put faith in god first and foremost. Or I will continue to be let down. I can admit when I am wrong, but this is one case where pride is stepping up as a defensive mechanism. Too many times in life have I been the one to carry the wrong while both parties were at fault. They were righteous and I was the one at fault. I refuse to appoligize in these cases any more. Yet that is not very christlike. I feel entitled to an appology form the offending party, but I know I should not hold my breath. W.W.J.D? I know what he would do, but do I want to? I know that if I make that step it will seal that I was wrong before I was wronged and make them clean and me the.................it is angersome, yet this does remind me if a psalm where the wicked....maybe I should revisit that one. I worry alot of how others perceive me. I am not a monster. Yet this is how I am left to be. Most folks would rather throw a label at me and walk away because of thier own righteousness. And beleiving that even those who seem christian and me putting faith in them acting christian...well that needs to stop as well. That is me judging them as such. It is up to God to make that call if they are or not. I know that the fruit that is produced from these "christians" are not very fruitful except in their own circles. They are the first to cast a stone, yet the last to walk with or help the fellow christin that is down. As far as intimacy, letting in others into a deeper level, well this is where things get rough. There are some in my life who do have a level of genuiness (i hope I spelled that right) that I do respect. Even on the bad days. Just becasue they say that are christian does not mean that I should trust them or confide in them. Guard my heart, in fact I think that was another dream meaning I missed and a verse I was to remember.... Yes I am angry and have strayed away from christlike-ness...yet this event and the events following could be very well a message forthcoming to me in my dream. It is not what god has willed, it is how I react to the events and does it drive me to Christ or elsewhere. I think it is time to do some serious evaluating of this last 24 hours. ...Guard my heart ...do not put faith in man but God ...watch who I confide in or call a friend
posted by Tom at 7:43 PM
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Friday, June 09, 2006
...the friends that I offend to say so and still hear me out. Not turn me into someone I am not.
posted by Tom at 10:28 PM
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Saturday, June 03, 2006
Ahh another year older. Facing the oncoming bald spot and one gray hair. The general concesous is to shave my head when the bald spot comes in too deep where I comb over the spot. Today was a memorable birthday. The first b-day in as long as I can remember that I had friends over. Just even spending time with me at dinner and chillin out afterwards. Even Had a slice of cake and one made espresso icing for the cupcakes. It was awesome.
Both parents called today for bday wishes. I was able to talk to my dad for a moment and i totally blew off my mom. I want to talk to her but not today. Not on this day. Now the cards I got were cool. Just spending it with friends is worth much praise. I have not had much time the last two days for God centered time. I think that is where I am at now. Time to focus and just breathe. Looking at this as another year here on earth and reflecting where I have been this last year, well this last 6 months has been a ride within itself. I would have to sum up as the birth of intimacy. I have been able to spend more time with other people and really learn a few things about folks. Really see where a deeper level of intimacy with God is needed as well as it is in others. Others have came into my life on this deeper intimate level and are a part of this journey. There is progress but there is none. It is being written daily minute by minute. It is only a beginning, as such is life. It should always be a beginning, progress yes, but always getting to point B never arriving. This is said as a quest or a journey. Yes the goal can be reached yet if one stops then it is over, if one does not then it is always getting there. More will need to come into my life for intimacy and I will need to open to others on a more intimate level. There is a change internally right now in my life. 28 years ago (well 29 if you count the months prior) God chose to bring me into this world. Now looking into it as what is my story? What is the purpose he has in store for me. It has been 28 years in the making. I know the settings 28 year ago are not where they are today. Even thinking about the pain and sorrows through life has brought me here to this point. I think it's just time to wrap it up.....this year of life has been intimacy. And more to come.
posted by Tom at 10:38 PM
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