Will I snap out of this? Will I come out of the depths of my anguish? On the surface things are not that bad. Deeper they very well may be.

Not all has been bad. A friend came over late Saturday night and we talked some gospel stuff. It really did help. I found some great insight on the way somethings have been for me lately. It actually has given me an anchor point to start off again. I have been reading scripture again.

But still at work I judge. I still get tempted and sin badly, speak ill of others and more. BUt it seems that the book of James is speaking more clearly to me right now.

Don’t speak evil against each other, dear brothers and sisters. If you criticize and judge each other, then you are criticizing and judging God’s law. But your job is to obey the law, not to judge whether it applies to you. God alone, who gave the law, is the Judge. He alone has the power to save or to destroy. So what right do you have to judge your neighbor? James 4:11-12 (New Living Translation)

I am a resistant hard headed, Um I could insert a nice expletive here, but I won't. Even last night I still did the same thing. I did not want to follow. I wanted to show my disgust at the powers that be (at work).

I am still trying to learn to trust God. It is still difficult when I pray for forgiveness and repentance and I still live enslaved tot he same sins over and over. It gets hard to simply follow.

I am so not a morning person and it takes me a long time to get up and started. So I can;t really have a morning devotional. But at nights when i really need to like after community group or service on Sundays, the time I need to stop and focus, I have to go to work. It gets forgotten. It becomes something to do like a checklist of social activities. Then i go to work. I go from supportive Christians, to nothing. Into a world where performance is demanded and perfection as well.

So the life worked out for me is going off into the wilderness alone. very frequently. Then I come home and the roommates are asleep so I have even more time alone. My sins are selfish. And so far life works out for me being alone alot. God said in the bible it is not good for man to be alone. Yes I am alone ALOT.

How can I trust him right now? I find it harder to believe the word these days. I see so many others around me that have help or a support system and I get the ones that are married or always busy.

So following God is a very lonely road? And I am to just follow? Bear burdens alone? Have an ever burning desire for marriage and Christian relationships but not get them?

It is not God who tempts me to sin, but the devil. But God does not seem to be delivering me from these sins. I feel he is just leaving me there. I now see that Satan is really warring with me. He hits me when i am weak at work, alone for hours after work, and away from other Christian fellowship pointing each other towards Christ. So God has left me alone and Satan is attacking then.

Right now I am not really falling completely for either God or Satan.

Next the devil took him to the peak of a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their glory. "I will give it all to you," he said, "if you will kneel down and worship me." Matthew 4:8-9 (New Living Translation)

So there we have some insight. Satan does the same to me but instead of the nations ofthe world it is my desires, thoughts, all my hearts desires. He gives me the visions of power and happiness. But Ihave not caved in and started following him. Yet at the same time I don't follow God as much to counter this because it hurts. And I feel I cannot completely trust in him.

I am alone in my own strength so many times, or at least the strength he gave me, but that works like a glass filled up to the top and told to hit the hot desert where it evaporates quickly. So I am always going back for more. but the watering hole is not always nearby.

So here I am. Left alone by God and attacked by Satan when I am weakest. I love this journey and am also hating it at the same time. Yes the Christian life is hard, but I feel it is more lonely than hard.

What have I done to anger him so much to not love me in this way? Not love me by leaving me so alone and allowing these sins to come through.

Why?