 Friday, March 31, 2006
Several ups and several downs. I let the downs win. I for whatever reason (it must be a human thing) like pain and suffering. I see that my self centered-ness and pride are so huge in life right now. Yes helping serve has helped me learn about my pride and to love and serve others. But after the doors close and folks go home...it comes back to me time. When there is no one else there I seek to please myself....be more than lazy and unproductive, eat when I am bored or not stop when I feel I should so that I can savor that taste just a little more, buy things I know I should not or oversepnd in others as a result of carelesness, dream of a fantasy life of great job and pretty women and filled with me being the hero.
How much time to I spend here on earth? It has increased but I cannot stop myself or tell myself no. There is not God there is me, until others are around that is. At least that is how I seem to be living. Now I see that PRIDE is becoming a red alert issue for me. It is blocking me in so many areas I cannot be happy or at least able to easily run with the flow. Something has got to change.
posted by Tom at 11:31 AM
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Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Well I sit here now back at square one. A job that I hate leaving me to question my value in society and with God. I did not get the job with the policve department. I guess it was too good to be true. The dream of a job with steady hours, is what seems worse odds than winning the lottery. I hate feelin trapped. And that I do. I hate my job and I can't do anything about it.
Bt tongiht I think I really will take to some prayerful meditation. I really need that connection. Since work is such a drain. And then I hate basketball this same time every year and my roomate is playing a basketball video game....I wonder if he knows how much I loathe it right now? But in reality I never seem to find a job that I want. I can't break into photography no matter how hard I try. Well most americans hate thier jobs. so that makes me red white and blue all the way american, I hate my job. But the photography joba, even the ones that do not pay very much I cannot get. I can't just take a lower paying job as thigns are tight enough as they are. I hate this feeling of suffering. I feel I offer nothing to man nor God. My faith is not accepted at work and I cannot show them christ like life, as it is near impossible to bring christ to work. Actually it's getting harder to bring christ anywhere outside your home these days. But the main point is, this is very discouraging. I have been looking for a job for over a year now. But Saturday is going to be a good day. I got hours off of work so that I can go to the budgeting seminar at Sojourn and then a wedding that night. I am really looking forward to that. A night where I have no worries of work and get to be around people I enjoy, care, and serve to. In fact other than a nap, the day will be spent with other christians. A day that I rarely ever get to have. That might be the redeeming day of this week. Let's see what I get out of prayer tonight. Who knows.
posted by Tom at 9:54 PM
1 comments
Well the last two days have been good. There is still much I am reflecting upon and trying to regain focus. But there is much that has come to my attention this week. I hope that this weekend and before I can get a few thigns together and somewhat whole.
This weekend I can go to the financial seminar at Sojourn. This I am hoping not only to rehear what I need to rehear, but maybe find someone for support or accountability. The accountability has helped alot in my battles for sexual purity. So why would it not help here. I have been seeking others but no luck. This way I might get those who are in it. Who knows. I know that I am tired of having to walk this part of life alone. It gets me no where. Then comes the physical aspect. I did not think of it but I might try to ask two other folks to walk with me in this area, where we all could gain from it. I get in a rut of doing it alone and then give up. I get so bored with it. even in prayer I try so hard to keep at it...but it dies. Last week I was on the treadmill three times and it felt great. Not super great but I noticed there were certain temptaions like fried foods, that I was not tempted by as much. Now after a day or two of eating wild I am back up where I was, but I know I can get back down there again. I think I just might go again tonight. It's been a great time for listening to sermons and audiobooks. Also it has not lead to any sexual temptations, well it has reduced it rather. So maybe a part of it was this stress never burned off, all this energy turned negative. Not to mention it is healthy for me. I do not know how long I can keep this up on my own, not much longer I fear. So I am hoping to find someone to help walk with me in this area as well. It does only come to two areas of life, money and health, that I need the help on. Then there might be some more inner stuff emotionally, but that is anather story. But it seems that things have come up lately like Monday where every roadblock openend another turn. A whole day of no's turned into a day full of yes. Things got taken care of. But it comes to the process of where is my heart, and is it with God? Sometimes I wander if God is there or not. That's when I pray as I know I am supposed to but not know to who. But I still pray. It does get hard at times when there is no person for me to relate to God. Its a being rahter than a person, something tangible, physical, concrete, and there. But I have had a few good days. Maybe I should find a way to celebrate that. But for me a celebration is so much work it can become a burden just to do that. Sometimes I feel I should be thankful and move on. Now something huge like a new job, that's a night out! But a few thigns good...I dont celebrate them. I do not know how. And being that it will be only myself celebration, is almost celebrating being single. I guess with a lack of people in my life I choose to do without in so many ways. I will continue to learn to love and to serve. And that desire is growing for a deeper level as well. So today I hope I can let things go and watch for divine intervention instead of looking it as things that happen. easier said than done I know.
posted by Tom at 9:43 AM
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Monday, March 27, 2006
You never know when you will get a lesson in humbleness. Life right nnow seems to have been crazy. Last night was actually going well until I got home to check email to find out such a wonderful job I did at work, they love getting creative to boost my esteem to tell me how much I screwed something up. I hate my job. I hate the pressure etc. So my Sunday night was ruined and I went out of it.
Also my car is acting up and is in the shop. Now Mondays are very busy for me...well not very. I go to the shelter every week and run the computer lab for a while. Then I have community group later that night. So I have car needs work (radiator leaks) and then my normal monday routine, not to mention laundry to do and feeling worthless because of work. Great Monday huh? Actually Tuesdays are my Monday, the day that sucks. Well today has been different and it later came to me what was going on. I managed to arrange rides for the day. I took the car into the shop. Took the bus to the shelter. In fact I missed the first bus while I was waiting but within ten minutes another bus was there. I foind my stop about 4 blocks from Jeff Street. So I walked it. So now if I get som treadmill time that is great for excersize!! Ok I get to the shelter and mess with the computer lab. The weirdness is I set up the router unlike it should have been and the old one works. What happened next is what set the tone for the day. Looking back I got the car to the shop... I got the bus to Jeff St.... I got a ride home from Jeff St... I got a ride into group... I got a ride home from group... Now since I did not get to shower or do much of anything I had no time to eat. But I was there early enough I got to eat at the shelter with the residents there. That was great. So not only has my transportation been resolved but so has the meal situation. WHen I first got to Jeff St I spoke with one of the residents who is very knowledgeble about computers. I spoke about the lab and he suggested I use the "Fix-it-kit" which is a rubber mallot. If only that would work I said jokingly. Well that same guy came on up a few minutes later when I was messing in the lab and right after I got it working. He suggested it was divine intervention. The light came on. This whole day has been so far. I got the rides, food taken care of (just lunch but being the first meal of my day it was/is very important), the lab working again...the whole thing just looked as if it were taken care of. Without me. That has been a very comforting thought since then. This day was close to ruin but it turned out to be fun. And I got to have lunch and be there with some of the homeless I server every week in the lab. So it was a nice and humble thought that came from one of the men I serve. It is times like this I am glad to see that those who serve are the ones served. Thus starts a community. I have been having more thoguths on serving and community. But maybe I should reflect upon those later. I am just thankful right now that in light of things messing up, just hearing divine intervention...just has made a difference in this day. Humbe comes...what can I say.
posted by Tom at 12:57 PM
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Saturday, March 25, 2006
I saddens me how I can have a few good or ok days and then I get to work and I get drained all over again and loose track and not pray. Anyways that is besides the point. THen again, no it's not as it does bother me.
Today I slept the afternoon away. But I did watch some of Walk the Line...and it's very good. I can't wait to go back and check out the rest of it. But last ngiht I got on the treadmill for the second time in one week. So that is a blessing itself. But now that I am at work, I may go again here tonight. If all goes well I might be done early from here. I hope to go home and do some reading. Now the fun part is the stuff I have wanted to ponder upon. I just have not had the time and when I take the time I end up falling asleep. That sucks. But some of the ahrshness of my faith is coming out. Who knows where it will go. I am still having to deal with the fact how angry and frustrated I am. I can't pinpoint what...but it's making me short in all areas of life. As much as I know folks will tell me take it to the cross that the war has already been won, I know this will not settle my heart very much if at all. Maybe settle it as big as a grain of sand. I think, no feel I need somehting a lil down to earth here and now before I start looking or understanding the supernatural aspects of help. I gotta live here and take care of here first. But then I think that my own "Theology" is now getting in the way and I may be a a crucial point in my faith. But I don't think anyone is going to understand. I tried a theology class but someone decided to take over the conversation and confuse me even further. So yeah I am still mad at him. If I get the chance would I ever tell him? I dunno. He pretty much ignores me anyways when I am around. I hope the weather warms up here soon, I think I need time outside with my camera. I need some release.
posted by Tom at 9:21 PM
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Thursday, March 23, 2006
Last ngiht I did some good reading. I did Proverbs 30-31. Both were real good. In fact it got me thinking again. It felt good to ba back reading. I also read several other verses that I have noted throughout the week. Some were better the first time I heard them but now do not effect me as much. I also need to go back to Jeremiah. It has some deep stuff there too.
The high point was where I wrote down the things that I am struggling with understanding in my faith. And there was more than I thoguht. I will keep them until I find one I can talk to one day. I tried to talk to someone the other night and all I got was a burden trip. Since I could not plan out life or anything. I am glad I did not have a gun or was suicidal as no one could talk me out of it...or would. It wasn't that bad but it could have been presented differently. It was not a christianly love way at all I thought. Not at first but when it did get to that point the damage was already done. I can't talk to anyone as I try but they have more important things to do than to help a brother in christ out. So it's still with me and God. I am still very angry at so many people where I try to call as I could use a voice of another christian but they have a tv show that's more important to watch. This happens so very often. So one has fun watching tv and then the other sits n suffers with a heavy heart. It's times like that is when sin comes into play for me. Anyways my current relationship with God is still in a rebuild stage, or re-strengthening stage rather. And it comes back to just God. It hurts when i do not have that feedback. In fact I often wander if that is part of the reason I am having many questions on my faith. To the point it is slightly effecting some of my beleifs. I am starting to feel that christianity is an every man for themselves religion. I know this is not hte case but it is what I see so very often. Life is one day at a time for me right now. So I deal with the anger and frustration daily too. It stays with me. It has no where to go. I also think I am putting too much into the possible new job. I keep looking for light at the end of the tunnel and I think that is taking time and focus away from God. I want to know that releif is on it's way. Otherwise I am feeling trapped as nothing will change at work. My health suffers as does my sleep due to this. I miss so much and force my body awake past its limits all the time. And I get no thanks for it at all. The good news is last night was nice. I did get some focus I was after. But still many questions and much anger and frustration remain.
posted by Tom at 9:17 AM
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Monday, March 20, 2006
Last night was not a complete waste. there was a great point made. It was that even though we may confess our sins to one another, do we actually take them to god? That was very convicting. I know my sins need to be taken to him rather than just admitted to man upon command. It is good to confess towards one another but it is not the only thing we should do about it.
In other words there is one dream I have to serve the new community but no way of doing so at this time. Yet if this new job comes in I can do it. It will give me a way of serving the community...if it is God's will that is. So this too needs to be taken into prayer and make sure that it does not become an idol in my life. I already have a few. But back to the book from Jerry Bridges The pursuit of holiness is like dropping my heart into a bag of razor blades as it is very deep cutting. In fact it came to me a lot last night. Especially with the way I felt after service. Yes I still have some major issues I want to work through concerning the bible etc. But my sins. The ones that live with me. These need to be taken a look into. I have been really looking into sex a lot lately. Sex, porn, lust, addiction etc. But where does all this fit in with God? So far it hasn't, well not as much as it should have. Last night, even though I did not act out or anything, I actively searched porn, or my flavor of it, just to fantasize and let my mind live in another world for a while where I had no issues of no one to talk to. My battles over this area has been a blessing from God. Where as I do not want sex. In fact I more actively stay away from it. It all came back to selfish pride. I did things to put myself in my world, and not the one that God has made for me. It comes back to pride and then being with it for so long that i do not know how to get away and get out of that sin. I become a slave to my own desires. From what I am seeing from searching porn and sex (the negative effects, life etc...not porn for pleasure) I see that it is very addicting. In fact it was said last night, I can't recall where, that sex is such a powerful force, in fact it was so powerful that God gave it to us. So needless to say that when it is not used in the holy way that God has made it for...it backfires and nearly becomes a curse than a blessing. I don't know if it is the season or my sins coming back but the lustful thoughts are coming back. It hurts now to know the things that really attracted me to this lifestyle, now hurts me. And know that it must be given up in order to see God again. In fact one could say that sex is not a bad thing, yet when we take pleasure in sex rather than in God this is what is not good. This makes a God of sex. Much like the church in Corinthians...I think that's right. How can I bow down to this sin, so much so now that even the slightest hint of it hurts as much as having sex with many people. This process God has me going through, this change, yes it does hurt. In fact it hurts a lot to know that what one brought me comfort I must no longer have. But knowing I am not alone is such a help. But I fail them when i fail myself yet I fail in my relationship with God first and foremost. I have been downloading many sermons and podcasts and one of them is the “Dirty little secrets” from xxxchurch.com. It has been amazing. To hear how they seek out pornstars and treat them with love and be human towards them. Helps them to see there is a better life and help them get out of it. In fact they are supporting one of them and moved her back to Indiana. I check out her blog and it's encouraging to see her changes. It isnt a pretty picture. This is what I hate. Not just those in addictions but those in this certain area. Folks will come to you and tell you to stop. This sin is not a light switch. It is not a behavior to modify. The process takes a long time. Some days you want to tell the world to screw off and go away or even just bast in a day of sexual sin and imorality. Yet there are many who hate you because of this.But when it comes down to it it is not just lust it is not one sin. It is much deeper than that. It is deep rooted in the heart. Many get into porn or sexual sins from a bad relationship as a child with a parent or family member. This was my story, in a nutshell. I had a mother that did not want to be around, a mother that hurt me many times. Then finding porn at a very young age and then puberty happened and that was it. Then mistreated at school and not have a supportive family unit I had nothing. But sex and a fetish really came to me. It gave me a world to hide from. Even when I was going to church and even after my baptism that I still took place with this life. I started down the path then towards Christ. Sex stayed with me as much and then more than my desire for Christ did. Yet now I see that sex and god cannot happen together...well not like it is. My own pride and lust has became a master and it is so very hard. I want to go back to that so many times. But if I ever want a holy relationship with a woman to call my wife, I must not walk back down that path again. Same with my relationship with God. Man cannot serve two masters. Like many God's grace brought me out of it. I was shown another light, another way showing there is a way out. There is a greater sensation that masturbation or fantasizing on lustful thoughts. This became my relationships. I used that to take the place of the connection to others. Even last night when I skirted along the edge of the cliff, I chose that old relationship of fantasy, of whatever I created in my mind, and not the relationship with God. With the one that showed me the way out. But there are many that have not made it out of this sin. There are many who refuse and indulge it on a greater level. In fact one of the podcasts scared me. I was on that same path. But I had my limits. But I saw that it one takes one gateway before you get into more. In fact simple porn can lead you into bondage, abusive fetishes, prostitution, and then even drug use mixed in with sex. One you are taken in by sinful life of sexual impurity, the road back is very difficult. But it can be done. You will not, I know I cannot go back alone. This I must take to God. This is just but one small area of my life that needs to be taken to him. This is where my dependence on him grows. It is not one sin, it is many. And it is deep rooted in my heart. My heart goes out to so many others that are in the same boat and that are striving daily to get out of it. It is not easy. And when it comes to a certain point, we can see that it is God to get us out of it. That and it will take others to hold us accountable. Last night sucked a lot, yes. Instead of seeking God...I briefly started to turn back to the old ways. I, as many others, did wrong. A sin yes, yet a sin with a slap in the face towards god. All this to say that there are many out there that are addicted to sex in some form or another. And living in a sex filled world I want to cry and scream. We see these people and write them off as evil. Yet they are among us everyday in all shapes and sizes. Please pray for them. Please pray for us. We are as human yet we have our hearts most often times so messed up, so hurt, and even so abused by others and ourselves that sexual sin takes on an entirely different meaning. I do not see myself as an addicted person, I see myself with issues of the heart that need to change. We put so much into each other we forget to put it all into God for our salvation and help. It's a long process. But I have always liked to tell of a great story (think Narnia or Lord of the Rings) than to tell of a quick victory like a commercial on tv. Once down that path, you can't turn back. And here is a good verse to finish up on that has really helped me to see what this sanctification is doing in my life...and I pray that life of others struggling with this.
posted by Tom at 4:19 PM
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Sunday, March 19, 2006
Ya know I really am starting to hate after service on Sundays. Especially today. I really could have used someone to talk to. I have read some scripture and I have a few thoughts that I am finding it difficult to understand or apply to my life and my walk. Yet no one could be found. I do not exsist. I stand around to no avail. I almost have to beg people to engage me in a conversation, at least one where they do not walk away from me for another conversation with someone.
Why is it the days that I could use the fellowship and counsel the most are the days I don't get anything. It feels nice if people were to come to me and let me know I am here and real. I do get to get a few drive by hi's. That's about it. I reach out and grasp nothing. Which the upside is it does drive my dependance on God greater, yet it let's me yet again see that man fails me...alot. It's no freakin wander I can't see past myself on most days. I try to see others but that goes no where. I am growing so tired of this life. I fear that I will go to hell. Becasue I do not understand or see how to apply god's will. It's up to me and there is something I miss out on and no one to help....doomed to hell. I do have some of the job prospect to look forward to. I do not know if I will get it or not. I hope that I do not get my hopes up as I do not want to be let down. Well it's like getting turned down for parole. Being told I must sit here and suffer even longer. I go to church tired and wear rather than rested. It's hard for me to be there more for others when there is no one to show me an example. And yet when i do manage to get someone to talk to it's been a few days and I either found the answer otherwise or became numb to the question and disreguard it completly. Great, I am trying to live the christian life, alone and by God alone....I struggle and there is no one. Why? Do I not struggle enough at work that throughout the week I struggle to want to do anything and want to be apart of someones life? Journey? I see community all around in church...yet not for me. When I struggle the most no one is around, when I am happy bouncin along with things everyone is there. I am so tired of it.God is not enough at times. I want feedback, a report card something to tell me something back. Just not this guy who stands around with no one to talk to. I really do have some struggles that I need the bible to sit down and talk about...not to fuss and complain about something bad in life. Yet how to apply the word and unserstand the gospel. Only God...I guess I will go onwards confused. But knowng that my relationship with God is suffering...well there is nothign I can do. Does anyone read this thing anymore? Do I even exsist?
posted by Tom at 7:32 PM
1 comments
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Not much going on here today but knowing that I really need some God time. Just knowing that he is the only source to battle through my sins. But that's hard to do while worn out from the job. In fact so worn out I just had to nap again. So there goes my off day...sorta.
I still have some soul searching to do and come to a few more understandings with who I am. But then again so does everyone. In real news I thoguth the interview went ok. It was the first time I have not walked away feeling great about the interview in a long time. As those are the ones that I do not get, if I can get them to tell me anything at all. But they are calling my list of references so that's a good sign. It will offer better hours in a more stable schedule...I will just be waking up super early now, but least it will be stable. It's all in his hands for now. Just gotta sit n wait to see what comes ofit all. I am reading more into sex and I am seeing such a barrier of sexual discrimination...against men. Men tend to come out the greater perverts out there when I know there are some women just as bad. I have seen women on the sexual offender lists and even read about teachers getting busted in child pronography ring and even teachers having sex with students. It seems that the sex with students crimes if you are a woman you get off with a much less harsh sentence than if you were a male and did the same thing. And then the woman's looks seem to be a factor in that too. I am not making this stuff up this is in a few different websites in the news and it is a common trait. I have yet to see a woman have sex with a student and get the same sentence of a man. This is sending out the wrong message that makes men come up to be the bad guys here. Both men and women are guilty of this. Why do we make it worse on the men for the same crime? Then the punishment of this is not as pretty either. We live in an unforgiving society where we would rather punish than heal the person. Ok yes they sinned they wronged another but instead of getting them help or trying to get them away from this lifestyle we want to mess them up for the rest of thier lives. There has to be a point where people can learn from their mistakes from the heart not becasue of the punishment we give them. I know there are some men that need to get their senses in order, yet they do not and let this problem get out of hand. It seems all the time I hear of sexual predators. In fact there is a website that if they cath you they will post the chat and a pic if you send one of theier naked selves for everyone to see, and then they turn this info over to authorities. Yet there are no women on that list which, I am glad to see this list, I am angered that it is only men. This same sight will take down the information, off the website, if they have documented proof that you are doing something about this act, therepy seeking help of some sort etc. That I do like. Finally someone saying its up to you to change your heart, change that, and we take your info down. Not a bad deal. Life down here is differrent than what God wants of us. Our hearts are hardened and we put labels on unwanted people, porn stars, prostitutes, drug addicts, homeless, sexual preadators, criminals etc. We want them to go away and stop, yet very seldom are we walking with them or doing anything to help them. We often want them to pay for thier sins and wallow in hell than change theier hearts and be christlike towards them. I to am guilty of this as anyone else is no matter the degree. An ounce of sin is a pound of sin. No different. Why do we punish thse people and not do anthing to see change of heart, repentance, and being reborn in the word to become a new being. We wait put most of these on death row, let a preist save him last minute and then kill them off. The punishment does not always fit the crime. On this side of the clouds anyways. Yes sex is all around us. Some take it too far and blame is put everywhere to convict (for the worse) and change their life forever and do nothing and let the problem go on and on in their hearts. I am really starting to hate this world...sometimes. We won't walk with each other, we label each other. We demand fairness and equality and we give only equal to greater than one. Man will dissapoint us. Man not men. The being known as Man will let us down and hurt us. God is the source.
posted by Tom at 6:48 PM
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Tuesday, March 14, 2006
It seems that over these last few days, well longer than that maybe, I have mounted much frustration and anger. I am quick to jump the gun and take so many things personlly.
Last night I shut myself off in my room and called a few folks It was not to help with the anger it was to talk to them and for a while I forgot about my anger and chilled out somewhat. But the anger still resides. It is much like Sandra Bullock's charachter in the movie Crash. She was a mean lady...but in the end you see she is running on empty where she has no idea why she wakes up every day angry and seems to have no one ot listen to her or hear her pleas for help. But her comment that she wakes up angry every day and does not know why...this is what sticks out to me the most. I do not know why she is angry, but I do understand. I can see this effecting my work and relationships all around. I am getting very snappy and borderline rude at times. Just very angry. At what I do not know. Now when I try to trun to christians and I hear that Christ is the answer and the battle is already won...well I have a problem when the happy well wishing stops them from living in the here and now. I cannot be told that, I must be shown that. And failing to show me how then they have failed me by saying christ in the answer. I still think that God really wants us here and now down to earth dealing with a few things. Becasue it sounds so lazy to say let Christ do it, as that implies you don't have to do anything. I hate lazy christianity where they dream of heavan but forget to live here and now. It lacks responsability. I really do not know who I could talk to, especially last night. It did help by getting my mind off of it all. But as I was angry enough I could not focus in to read anything. I could not get past the block of anger, the block of myself. And when it mounts like this I cannot make it past myself. This is when I take other unwise actions and not be giving. I will spend and do alot for myself during these times. What I have learned on anger you can't just get happy and walk away from it. Yes I can pray say im sorry and repent of the sin. That is not right. That is as it is put in James, Going to God's house checking the mirror, seeing I am in bad shape, ask for forgiveness and then walkaing away right back to the same sins as I forgot what I looked like in the mirror. Anger you cannot just turn on and off. If the source is not fond it will come back to get you. So to repent of anger, I fell there is more needed, you must walk back to the source to know where to walk away from in repentance. Now I am wandering if this is coming from the loosing of myself. Being there for everyone and not myself. I am learning to become more selfless and not so selfish andcould this be a part of me that does nto want to go away? The part that wants companionship and friends and good things, joys, blessings, stuff...but stepping out into the other side I am not gauranteed them. I know a part of this is stress frm work. I hate this month every year. I hate basketball and this is the month where I can say G.D. that is not a sin, if I were to mess up on the sports pages that is a sin. If I were to ask for a Derby event off, that is a sin. But I can say G.D. all day and folks seem to be fine with that. It means nothing to them. And then I have some mounting anticipation and very nervous about the job interview tomorrow at the Police Department. This looks to be a great job opportunity. Now keeping things as realistic as possible, there are a few factors that can break this deal. I do not know the hours but it's an on-call 24 hours deal and a varing schedule...so this could mean anything. If the hours are worse where I am all night shifts, no stability in schedule, or it takes me away from Sojourn this could be a breaking factor. But I am trying to not get my hopes up to high but I want to go in there with a strong game face on tomorrow and see how it goes. But after seeing the pay rate the lil dreamer inside has went wild. I can't stay in the clouds I need to stay here earth bound. But the main thing is the hours so that I can get some what stability in my sleep instead of this yo-yoing and messing my body up all the time. That and make sure that if the hours are good that it does not take away my time with Sojourn. I need that spiritually. Thats kinda like starving myself in s spiritual sense. But that is what's goin on. Anger, frustration, and high anticipation. I am trying to seek and understand God's will so that I accept it when it comes wether I get the job or not. But seeing the man I am becoming and the man I am/was is starting to wage one hell of a war on me. Then it seems I am really studying porn, sex, and lust. Not looking at porn but looking into the industry, former porn stars, how sex effects us, sexual offenders etc. I think that the wrong part of the issue is being addressed. Sex is such a hot topic today but the standards are messed up. I am seeing much more sexism happening against men in sex crimes and sex in general. Men are getting a bad wrap for being sexually deviant creatures, yet I see that it is no sex in particualr. It takes two to tango and women are just as guilty as men. Don't get me wrong I have seen much wrong some men do to women, I hate that just as much. But the issue seems to be the first thing folks can grab onto so they say pronography is the issue. Yes maybe it is but it is not THE issue. Look deeper and walk with these folks and you see it comes down to the heart. But society wnats to lock anyone with a sex drive up and throw away the key rather than heal or resolve the issue. I guess this too angers me. We should have sex taken away from us. We abuse it. So yeah I guess I have been somewhat angered in this too. As then there are folks getting too over protective and taking things away from us all, one bad apple spoiling the whole bunch. Anyways this is a topic for a later time. The matter is in our hearts, our souls, it's who we are not what we are that makes us a child or an orphan in christ, let alone human.
posted by Tom at 11:57 PM
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Monday, March 13, 2006
Well here we go. Its round two of the photos fopr the prayer directory. Things went smoother last night. This time I know what to look for and get things rolling. This whould be lots of fun.
Spiritually I am still trying to get back to where I was. Prayer has dipped off a tad these last few days as work has worn me out again. I hate march and I hate basketball!!!!! As basketball in this state is taken tooo seriously and it is a sin to mess up during march as basketbell is such an idol that it gets more attention than God. How I hate it. Just a few more weeks and its all over just in time for Derby to start......Please get May here fast. Needess to say since perfection plus is DEMANDED of me, I am drained. Then there are at least two occasions where I was angry at some folks and they came to me and appoligized. Twice, two seperate occasions, two seperate folks. I am not used to people appoligizing to me for anything really. At least for things that make me angry like being load upstairs etc. But now I feel like a smuck. At least in the second time, last night at sojourn, where I heard this. I stopped going to a class becasue one guy took over the conversation and confused me even furhter so I stopped going. I am now even more confused on systematic theology, theology in general then ever before. I really wanted to tell the guy to shut up so I could learn something. But he is not the one that appoligized to me, it was the other person in his debates. Long story but it was still good to hear. Now it's forgiving time. It's weird. They came to me. Both by chance, running into each other. I know I have been angry lately, at least quick to anger, like basketball. And maybe this is God laying this before me to deal with one bite at a time. Now just to get me through this most evil time of the year. I want to cuss right now.
posted by Tom at 9:29 AM
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Thursday, March 09, 2006 In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry...(Eph 4:26) Last ngiht I went to bed rather well slightly angered. But I did pray on it and then had some wild dreams where I was riding in a car and the guy backed up into a river where we rolled up the windows and the air prssure was killing me....then I woke up. Last ngiht was wild as I did not sleep rather I had a series of naps. Back to the point I sent out an email last night before I prayed and all that good stuff. This morning I looked back on it and It seemed much more harsh than how I meant it to be last night. But I made a phone call this morning and got things reconciled and understood. But for the fact is I was thrown off by even my own words, well then again that's not hard to do. But the great part is connecting and understanding. Now as far as my prayer life...it's getting better. I am trying to seek him more. Like it was put to me the other day it's much like a marriage, where in order to get that relationship to work we have to make effort when we do not feel like it. Now this is not the case yet if we take the behind the scenes stuff goin on, it's the same. Sometimes we cannot sit and be aprt ourselves, we have or need to be there for others, including God. I still look back to the other night where we all held hands and did the lord's prayer. That felt great. Also I have noticed that starting a day in prayer and focused, work tends to go much better. Well therre is still LOTS left to be desired, but it just seems to click better. In my prayers I ask for his will be done, by the teachings of Christ, and the acknowledge and acceptance of the holy spirit during the day. Ask for me to feel it and know it is there. Rather than just go and do whatever and forgetting the power that is there all around.
posted by Tom at 9:25 AM
1 comments
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Wooo hoooo... ok I have had my treadmil set up for a few days now, and I just got doen with a brisk walk for 30minutes. Man it feels good. I hope it gets some good vibes going in my body to help fight off this congestion thingy I have.
Anyways, I can walk at home in my won room now. Yay! Now time for wind down and some God time.
posted by Tom at 10:17 PM
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Saddening....I post a good question and not a single reply...tsk tsk tsk.
But anyways onto the real stuff, this last week has been a very eventful week from treadmills and meetings and fixing cars to treadmills eating me broke after fixing cars and more. But spiritually I have been progressing. Yesterday on my way to group it was as if I were being spoke to, but I only had a strong feeling that God was trying to call me back. And I have not been as responsive as I could or should have been. I was a moving feeling to have. Then there was group. Since there were only two of us that went to sermon I lead the group again. The sermon was great alone. It really hit a few points home about prayer and showed me the importance of the lord's prayer. There were several deep points of group last night but when closing we did it differently, we all got in a circle, stood, and held hands and recited the lord's prayer. that was great. It was moving, at least to me it was. I know that I will need to keep God in greater perspective in my life. I am thinking of re-reading the cross centered life here soon if I can. I am sure I can as it is a short book. But just looking at the events in my life and the changes I have seen and felt over these last few months I know there is a force at work in my life. And he is calling me home. To what I do not know but that I am being called. So who knows what that will look like. Gotta be strong in order to become and be, simply the man God is calling me to be. But I need to follow. Then I did get a job opportunity with an interview next week. I am praying that no matter what that I seek god's will for better or worse and that I pray I not let it get to my head or my hopes up. That if it does go through or even not that I still seek his wisdom and will and that I accept that will. I have gotten hopes up before about a new job thinking things are about to get better to have them crash down with no job. While I work hard others advance and I stay behind. But this time I want to do it differently. I want God there with me this time, instead of me doing it. Also I heard from the folks at Westboro Baptist church on a podacast here this week.....talk about hate-filled christians. They are so strong against gays that they blame Katrina and 9-11 on them. Only gay people not regular sinners, no only this one bunch of sinners. Honestly I wish a lot of Gays would "straight bash" them and quote scriptures to them while doing so. That may be wrong to think of and not the right way to do it. But while are teaching fear of hell and not fear of the lord they are only pushing others away. They are the extremes of Christianity just as these terrorists are extremes of Islam. I just do not see how those enlightened by Christ or whatever higher power they choose can become so cold hearted and evil. Evil by choice. Needless to say I was angered by the podcast just listening to the closed minded and closed hearted lady that was speaking. Christ did get angry, yes that's cool. But also Christ did go speak the love of God to the prostitutes and evil doers of the day. In fact that's what got him in trouble with the Pharisees it seems. That is what I love about Christ so much, he did talk about the fear of God and Hell, but he alsoe spoke of his love. And by dying he completed that story. And fulfilled it. So what fruits will this Job Interview bring? Will I get back to a life of prayer and focus on God making him the center of my life? Will the cubs ever win the world series?
posted by Tom at 9:42 AM
1 comments
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
My newest, well oldest, actually as a christian should be the only conviction we ever have.....the lack of God.
Since my prayer time and devotions have been down the many areas where I need improvement has finaly taken hold again. Money management, health, purity, anger, all these things from a lack of God. I, as I am sure many do, live a very self centered/God focused life where we look to him but we are the center. In contrast how many of us make God the center and all of our universe? Not me and this is where my trouble lies. I know sin will come yes I know. But the old sins that have been fought against that were starting to get easier are now getting difficult again. So this goes to the blog readers.....how do you all deal with the lack of God in your lives? What brings you back? How are you effected when the lack of God starts taking notice in your lives?
posted by Tom at 9:45 AM
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