It seems that over these last few days, well longer than that maybe, I have mounted much frustration and anger. I am quick to jump the gun and take so many things personlly.

Last night I shut myself off in my room and called a few folks It was not to help with the anger it was to talk to them and for a while I forgot about my anger and chilled out somewhat. But the anger still resides. It is much like Sandra Bullock's charachter in the movie Crash. She was a mean lady...but in the end you see she is running on empty where she has no idea why she wakes up every day angry and seems to have no one ot listen to her or hear her pleas for help. But her comment that she wakes up angry every day and does not know why...this is what sticks out to me the most. I do not know why she is angry, but I do understand.

I can see this effecting my work and relationships all around. I am getting very snappy and borderline rude at times. Just very angry. At what I do not know.

Now when I try to trun to christians and I hear that Christ is the answer and the battle is already won...well I have a problem when the happy well wishing stops them from living in the here and now. I cannot be told that, I must be shown that. And failing to show me how then they have failed me by saying christ in the answer. I still think that God really wants us here and now down to earth dealing with a few things. Becasue it sounds so lazy to say let Christ do it, as that implies you don't have to do anything. I hate lazy christianity where they dream of heavan but forget to live here and now. It lacks responsability.

I really do not know who I could talk to, especially last night. It did help by getting my mind off of it all. But as I was angry enough I could not focus in to read anything. I could not get past the block of anger, the block of myself. And when it mounts like this I cannot make it past myself. This is when I take other unwise actions and not be giving. I will spend and do alot for myself during these times.

What I have learned on anger you can't just get happy and walk away from it. Yes I can pray say im sorry and repent of the sin. That is not right. That is as it is put in James, Going to God's house checking the mirror, seeing I am in bad shape, ask for forgiveness and then walkaing away right back to the same sins as I forgot what I looked like in the mirror. Anger you cannot just turn on and off. If the source is not fond it will come back to get you.

So to repent of anger, I fell there is more needed, you must walk back to the source to know where to walk away from in repentance.

Now I am wandering if this is coming from the loosing of myself. Being there for everyone and not myself. I am learning to become more selfless and not so selfish andcould this be a part of me that does nto want to go away? The part that wants companionship and friends and good things, joys, blessings, stuff...but stepping out into the other side I am not gauranteed them.

I know a part of this is stress frm work. I hate this month every year. I hate basketball and this is the month where I can say G.D. that is not a sin, if I were to mess up on the sports pages that is a sin. If I were to ask for a Derby event off, that is a sin. But I can say G.D. all day and folks seem to be fine with that. It means nothing to them.

And then I have some mounting anticipation and very nervous about the job interview tomorrow at the Police Department. This looks to be a great job opportunity. Now keeping things as realistic as possible, there are a few factors that can break this deal. I do not know the hours but it's an on-call 24 hours deal and a varing schedule...so this could mean anything. If the hours are worse where I am all night shifts, no stability in schedule, or it takes me away from Sojourn this could be a breaking factor.

But I am trying to not get my hopes up to high but I want to go in there with a strong game face on tomorrow and see how it goes. But after seeing the pay rate the lil dreamer inside has went wild. I can't stay in the clouds I need to stay here earth bound. But the main thing is the hours so that I can get some what stability in my sleep instead of this yo-yoing and messing my body up all the time. That and make sure that if the hours are good that it does not take away my time with Sojourn. I need that spiritually. Thats kinda like starving myself in s spiritual sense.

But that is what's goin on. Anger, frustration, and high anticipation. I am trying to seek and understand God's will so that I accept it when it comes wether I get the job or not. But seeing the man I am becoming and the man I am/was is starting to wage one hell of a war on me.

Then it seems I am really studying porn, sex, and lust. Not looking at porn but looking into the industry, former porn stars, how sex effects us, sexual offenders etc. I think that the wrong part of the issue is being addressed. Sex is such a hot topic today but the standards are messed up. I am seeing much more sexism happening against men in sex crimes and sex in general. Men are getting a bad wrap for being sexually deviant creatures, yet I see that it is no sex in particualr. It takes two to tango and women are just as guilty as men. Don't get me wrong I have seen much wrong some men do to women, I hate that just as much. But the issue seems to be the first thing folks can grab onto so they say pronography is the issue. Yes maybe it is but it is not THE issue. Look deeper and walk with these folks and you see it comes down to the heart. But society wnats to lock anyone with a sex drive up and throw away the key rather than heal or resolve the issue. I guess this too angers me.

We should have sex taken away from us. We abuse it. So yeah I guess I have been somewhat angered in this too. As then there are folks getting too over protective and taking things away from us all, one bad apple spoiling the whole bunch.

Anyways this is a topic for a later time.

The matter is in our hearts, our souls, it's who we are not what we are that makes us a child or an orphan in christ, let alone human.