 Sunday, July 31, 2005
Tonight's sermon was wonderful. It was what I needed to hear. It got me thinking that's for sure. Much on my mind now on top of what I already had. I hope to hear it again in a few days. I will try to get a copy in MP3. I have a friend or two I want to share it with.
Wow it was really encouraging. I can't even find the words right now. But seeing the healing power of God really does alot. He is always with us, even when we sin. A common fact that I seem to forget when I am sinning. Convenient huh? I have done alot more reading. In fact I am thinking about selling alot of my VHS and DVD's that I rarely ever watch. I much rather want a book these days. This week does not look to be as eventful as last but still a busy one. Tomorrow I look at the new job. I hope that it goes well. I am sure that it will. In fact I will be working with one of the guys in my community group. Talk about perfect timing. I wanted a job with a good atmospehere and I got it. Knowing if I were to have a bad day, there is someone that is cool around there. A sense of community. It's a good feeling. But there is more to look at. More I need to seek in order to find, at least the direction to go in. And my desires to have someone becomes so overburdened that I tend to leave God out of the equation or lessen him in the formula. In fact tonight I think I will podcast this one. Just to see what is going on. To process through all this. Tonight may be a night to deal with my mother, whom I really don't want to. But my heart tells me this isn't right. Talked with a friend at churtch with a similar issue and bounced a few thoughts off of him to get a better understanding it seemed to help. It really seemed that tonight's sermons ties in perfectly towards it. All I can do really is sit in silence and let things come about. Let it flow. New things happening all around. I think I will just listen for a while. Hear what my heart is telling me.
posted by Tom at 7:05 PM
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Saturday, July 30, 2005
Tomorrow shall, I hope and pray, be a wonderful nice eventful head clearing day. After the nice day and a half vacation I just gave myself, tomorrow will be a day of seeking answers and getting things taken care of.
I was blessed with so much this week. A possible second job, website project, and co-ordinating with other volunteers, and helping fix a computer or two. But with all of this I need to watch out to make sure that I do not loose focus. Work is going to suck tonight. But I did get a call from a freind I was glad to hear from, and did get a coffee machine and grinder so that's all good. But focus in on God is the key tomorrow. Tonight work will suck. But I am determined to make it out by 3am if not sooner. Buckle down and go!!! Life happens, sometimes all at once. And when we are on for the ride and cant find the seatbelts, we better start grabbing onto things. Ponderings
posted by Tom at 10:27 PM
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Thursday, July 28, 2005
Yesterday was yet anotherday of eventfullness. I think I got teh second job. It is contract work but sounds like alot of fun. WE are going to start Monday with a small project or two and see where my skills are and see if I like it and such. THen go form there. So far so good. So second job is underway...no party yet just focus in and see that I can do well there.
Then I went to help fix a computer at a locally owned christian bookstoore. I am sure that the regualr Sojourn readers here can guess which one it was. Well it was supposed to be a fast 20 minute operation and ended up about 2 hours I think. Things started looking bad where he could not surf at all. Well after going into safe mode and forcing a virus scan........my record at this same scan was 600 something viruses at one point......he had almost 3000, in fact 2935 virus entries and they were trojans, multipel, and then a few worms. But alot of trojans. When I left he had the programs needed to run the store, and a great deal of worry left me. Wow it was a challenge and 3000 virus entries....sheesh. Today is looking to be an eventful day within itself. I will go to work for a few hours then leave for tennessee for a day and a half. I just need the break to chill out and relax. Yeah its a quickie but that's all I need for now. To releive some tension. I went in May for the Ren Fest so I was there and back same day. Otherwise I have not been back since X-mas....so 7 months ago!!! No wander I am aching to go.....that and car fever I want to test the car out on a road trip. But alas this gives me a great time to ponder and clear my mind both ways. I was hoping to create an audiobook or something for the road, something godly based. Give me a great time to think and ponder of God. As I can tell he really has been working in my life lately and has me stepping up to plate alot more too. This is a great time and a scary one at that. Now I really must put forth effort and not falter. I know that I will as I am only human, but I must keep effort and not succomb to effortless. Ahh time today for thinking and meditating.....well drivng too. Spellchecker was not used, I refused to use it this time :)
posted by Tom at 7:12 AM
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Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Tonight was such a great night. Today was such a great day. Well so much was done. I got answers I needed. I am very close now to having the foundation for the website for JEff Street. Tonight I got the three men in the HOPE program started on a blog...man this is going to be great. Tonight I had to email so many people to get things taken course in its next steps. I am so excited to have helped out and start to see dreams form and things come together. Now to give help and get some more dreams out there for Jeff Street.
Tomorrow is a job interview. I hope it goes well. I need to make sure I am awake and alert for it and not to mention I am going to be at work most all day but that's ok as Thursday I hope to leave early and go to Tennesee for a while and hang out for a day and a half. It feels so good to help and feel I am doing something worthwhile. There is more logical and biblican things to say but I still have too much running through me right now.
posted by Tom at 9:12 PM
2 comments
Sunday, July 24, 2005
What a day. Today was such an incredible day. So much that I really now need some focus and reflection time. I read several articles and one revelation came to me was the selfishness in my love, and I loving others as I want to be loved and am I loving in such a way that it reflects the love of Christ through me?
Then came Sojourn. We had to be there early and I just started helping right off bat. Now one thing was pointed out that I seem to point out me being there early all the time. I do not agree that it is all the time but there was some truth to it....Often times when I am not thinking about it I really boast about myself and accomplishments. So there was some truth to it and being that was one of the questions I had earlier today...The answer is yes I do much out of boasting or self worth. Even though my intentions may be honorable, I do much to seek...Well at least the boasting about it. Now on the otherside when I do not boast about things I tend to get more attention than I think. After communion I snuck off to the back to help with the hospitality and serving the food. And then came the announcements. I made sure I could still hear it. Well I was called out for my work that I have done at Jeff Street. And even there was a note of thank you on the power point presentation. And me standing in the book with the whole congregation looking at me....What was I supposed to do? Now the good news I got three more volunteers for the lab and one request for tech support. Now the called out part...In fact I was pushed further out into the open by a few guys much taller than me...I know who they are, I am taking names...And the announcer noted "Oh look he's humble" which I am. I did not look at it as something great just something I enjoyed doing. So I guess now everyone knows me :) So where is my answer I have been seeking? I think my role may be to support and serve. Not lead, not be a hero, or even Super-Tom, but just be there in the background getting things running. Now with this in mind it does give me a great role model to look at in serving, Christ. There is the support factor and I guess that is a part of serving. But keeping in check that I support and serve selflessly and not for gain. Which was another point that was brought out as when I was being, spotlighted, the speaker said that I just did this and didn't ask for money or anything...Which I didn't. I just did. And it seems to be working out nicely. So today it seems a spotlight has been shined greatly upon a lot. I hope to really reflect upon. Trent is back in town and one day we will get together and re-evaluate things as where we stand and our accountability. This may be the direction for me to become less self absorbed and really focus on God. To now start the path of service and support...Denying myself for God... To know that what I have done with what God enabled me with has been greatly appreciated...Wow. I felt a place in a community. Now to hope this does not inflate my ego and to continue onward with great encouragement would be the best thing. Good will come to him who is generous and lends freely, who conducts his affairs with justice. (Psalm 112:5)
posted by Tom at 8:48 PM
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In reading a sample chapter online to a book, I came to a part where the age old command to "love thy neighbor as theyself" ya know the common basic golden rule. SOme light was shining on the words as I saw a wee bit more into this command.
Thinking about items as lust, anger, frustration and the like is that how I want to be loved? Is this how I love others? Seeing an attractive woman and lusting (or sexual attracted) wanting to look at her, is this the love I am sending out? Is this how I want to be loved? Getting frustrated at work at a co-workers close mindedness and wanting to get short or change my voice tone, is this how I love? Is this how I want to be loved? Driving down the road and someone driving too slow or wrecklessly without care and I shart cussing at them, is this how I love? Is this how I want to be loved? Thinking of these three things right off bat I know that most are internal and no one but myself and God sees them. But the command to love others and the new greatest command:
How am I loving? I know especially as far as the lust factor goes when I am looking at the images or thinking the thoughts and letting the fantasies run wild through my mind.....is this how I want to be loved? Is this the love of Christ? Am I showing my love for one another so that others may see the love of Christ? Talk about such a simple and over heard phrase, a command, is one that is deeper than the words implicate. Very convicting. Then there is the other aspect of my heart. Am I doing through Christ or am I doing for my own self worth? Am I trying to be the hero? Sometimes I honestly have no idea if I am doing becasue of me or if I am doing out of his will. Where my heart is often times is just kind of there. I am not sure where it is. I know where it is not often times. But sometimes not knowing am I doing whats in my heart for selfish or selfless reasons....it boggles me and frustrates me. But today is my groups turn for hospitality. So my relax time is cut short. I have to run to the store and get little debbie snack cakes. Cheap and sugar filled yummies. But loving one another as one loves himself...do I want to love others this way? Where is my heart?
posted by Tom at 12:24 PM
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Saturday, July 23, 2005
Since my second partnership meeting much has been weighing on my heart. Very much indeed. It is the whole double life I live that is effecting me. Its a war on my soul, my life. So I thought I would get real honest about things. See where it goes.
Lust I seem to battle this more than I was originally aware of. But the closer I have drawn towards God the more I see it being an issue. This world revolves around sex. Even self worth is based on sex and sexual appearance. I grow tired of looking around at women all the time. I really like to see the person but it seems in this season of summer everyone finding love I see what I lack and then desire it even more. The physical sensation is too much. And I grow tired of reading books that deal with sex in Christian life for married couples. It seems that the single folk are left out to dry and continue in sin. For me I know that most of sex is fulfilling a need, a desire to be desired, to feel wanted. To not be alone. I can't get away from porn. Much like the other sins and issues that slave me, the closer away I get the harder it becomes. I saw my first porn mag when I was 7. And how it has changed my life. Finances I seem to spend more money than I like at times but there are also a great many times where random events like going to the doctor, tire going flat, hidden bills, sheriff coming to my door with a summons, ya know stuff like that is why I can't ever seem to get on a budget. And I feel guilty when I do not tithe. I am a very bad steward. Selfish Pride I know that I am very selfish. I cant even say no to myself. I try and I do good often times but I loose focus on where I am going and worry about now. I have had rough times and want to be nice to myself and feel good. But I get to steeled into that and forget to listen to others. I do not give them the focus and attention they deserve and are asking for. I am trying to be the hero and make them like me...to be like me rather...I get prideful thinking if I can get others up here with me we would all be ok. I am wanting to be there for myself that I an mot often enough stepping down form myself to be there with others and for theirs through Christ. Who sets great examples, the example even yet I do not follow as often as I should. Health I worry and dream of a life where I am not tired a lot. Where I am not out of breath going up a flight of stairs. I am large framed yes, and tall, so I know I will always have some weight, but I go back and forth in weight and I cannot seem to stay on any program or regimen. I give up. I hate doing things alone. I know that if I were to become more active and walking more often and drinking more water I would be doing good. I start up for a few days and then stop. I grow tired and frustrated feeling I carry this burden alone and not able to get any help on this. I know what I need to do but it would be good to not do them alone. So I sit back and think of all this and a grieve. I do not like this double life. I do not stick with the power of Christ and yet I desire human contact more so than Christ's. Why is his examples and power and glory not enough for me? I am not dependent enough on God yet. Yet I grow tired knowing that I cannot live like this any longer. I should not be spending money when I ought not to, I should be self sacrificing, I should be telling myself no, I should not be lusting after women, I should not be eating unhealthy and sitting around letting my body grow unhealthy....NO NO NO I cannot tell myself NO. I say yes to all these things. When I know that I ought not to do them. But knowing that it is in Christ that these things must be battled. In Christ can this only be accomplished. In Christ alone. Where is my heart? Lord knows I am trying, but not trying hard enough.
posted by Tom at 3:29 PM
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Thursday, July 21, 2005
Sometimes when things are bad and later things just go better. This was the case for yesterday. I decided that my room needed a change, well a rearrangement of furniture. That and it gave me a wonderful chance to exhaust some pent up energy. So I delt out with some stress.
So after the furniture arranging I did a nice prayer and went to sleep. And actually slept and woke up early. But now I am up to around 9 hours each night. I want that number down to 7-8. So yeah this morning I got ahold of some good ears and got some of the costs taken off. I was about to be $-200 by tomorrow, but now it will be significantly less. And this will not effect me at the account with the bank. So I will have a much less amount in the hole. So another prayer answered. But holding myself last night I was ok. I made it through better than I have before. So hopefully things can get onto track again, something serious I hope. So tomorrow I hope good comes again as I need to go to the bank and fill some paperwork and be close enough to fill out a job application nearby. But drawing to God....Need more of that. Lots more. Things felt different all the way through this time.
posted by Tom at 11:02 AM
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Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Why does this happen to me? Insurance companies love me. And they do not leave a rose, mint, or thank you card after they financially rape me. Progressive decided hey let's send him a letter saying we cannot take money from his account, and then take it anyways. Let's make sure that the letteris so vaugue we get him.
Oh yeah when he calls in to comlain we will be nice and give him the money back minus the 50 dollar fee for leaving us. Sounds like a prenup to me. And then since we left him out with a severe negative in his account and so many other charges to occue let's get him then. Oh yeah and let's take our sweet time and up to 12 days most likely business days to give him the money back. It's not like he needs the money he did not have that we took from him after he got new insurance after the confusing letter that was clear. Oh and then let's cancel the old insurance from the last car. Oh yeah we will make up a number to tell them that is what is owed, and oh yeah, lets also charge him 25 dollars to leave us. We want people to come to our terrible service and make them pay to leave. This is really how we make our money. And now as most insurance companies are, hey let's punish the poor and reward the rich. Becasue poor credit = more money we can take from the poor. Yet the rich live ok and pay very little. I am so tired of getting reamed by car insurance. I now have a seemingly good place. Affordable, and realistic. But now my money watching skills has me hugely negative and my budget screwed up for the rest of the month and into next. This could get ugly and make things bad for me. If more checkes bouce I now will have to go back to the old going down and getting money orders........................................ I DO NOT have time to play this game. That's why I have the checks and have been real severe in watching out for stuff. But one misunderstanding blows the whole thing out of whack. I cannot get on a budget as everytime I do get started this....stuff (for effort to not cuss and swear, which I so really want to right now) the hope dims as it is too difficult to do this. They do not want people to get rich, keep them all poor and let em rot. And those that actually try and put forth effort let them, fail first. Anyways tomorrow am I hope to get a nice soul, ear, person, on the phone with the bank that can take some charges off and clear the checks I have out there and not charge me further into the hole. Then sit negative for a few days, then see what I can pay, and hopefully still have car and rent money by the first of the month. A second job now would be a great thing. I will make it I have made it through worse. But it still does not look good for me. I guess I have plenty for prayer tonihgt. Deep heartfelt and honest, maybe ventful. Man I am......upset ( so wana say pi....) How can I ever get to be a good stward of what God has given to me if I can never get control? If these events still happen ust random enough to prevent getting caught up. Oh yeah and the guy who played Scotty on Star Trek died today too. Great I have been craving coffee, and now, I cannot have it becasue I am that broke.
posted by Tom at 7:35 PM
2 comments
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Well last night's dream had to be the most lucid as I was talking to someone and said while this dream continues....and I did not wake up. I knew I was in a dream and wanted to stay in it and I did. Wow that is just pretty freaky to have.
I do have a podcast now. After I get things going well enough I might try adding podcasts to this blog. Faith based and see how thigns go. Who knows. It's an idea. I have also been listening to Vodie Bauchum alot lately. He has a great gift in speaking the word. I know that when I go home I grow tired of looking at the messes and clutter, yet I do nothing about it. I am tired and can't find the umph to clean and resort things out. Happens in stages. Guess the upcoming challenges may be a tad overwelming, when I let them be that is. Still can't get more active in secondary job search. I just dont want to waste time to be rejected in filling out a million appz. Today's verse should really stick out....now that I recall it may be something I have read before. I will have to consult some notes. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10 NIV) ANd I think the best thing is here in a week or so I may try taking a small road trip. Leave after group on a thursday and stay untiul sat morning. I have been wanting a road trip to test teh car out on the road for one, but to go to Tennesee and chill. Besides take a few sermons with me and I will have plenty of time listening to them while on the road. Yeah that might be a good idea. But then remembering how God has ransomed us, chosen us, called us by name and will not leave us. That too should be and is a great thought.
posted by Tom at 2:11 PM
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Sunday, July 17, 2005
Ok I can't belive that I read the entire Harry Potter :HBP book in one day. Talk about my head wanting to explode. So that was my fantasy break. Can't give the book away but I would give it a B.
Now back onto life. Today will be eventful. But looking at accountability into second gear, so to speak, has been on my mind alot. To the point of confessing sins, confronting them, and holding acountability for them as well. But maybe there are a few things physcologically I need to look into first. See what is going on in my mind and look for any traps or where these patterns start. Where these desires come from. I know that last weeek I want to think it was three times God was able to lay things upon my heart, some convivting stuff. And now I can't remember them. ANd for whatever reason I still have not been out filling out Job apps like I should. It's inevitable I need a second job but the thought of having to fill out apps again to get turned down after spedning alot of time saying the same thing over and over. I guess I have not focused enough on it but when I try to balance and budget I come up tightly short. I really need to get more cashflow coming in to get caught up. I would like to be ahead but for now I just want to stay afloat and catch up on all the old stuff I have. Not to mention I want this car paid off within two years not four. And one bill I am paying now is cutting me very short each week. That and I messed up the budget this week I ate out too much. I dont want to suffer so I cant tell myself no often enough. Time to look at some spiritual life again I think.
posted by Tom at 12:57 PM
4 comments
Friday, July 15, 2005
Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. (James 1:21) NIV
more to come...
posted by Tom at 9:16 PM
2 comments
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Well and after yesterdays outlook I then got several responses to one of my other prayers and congeners about tithing. One can only chalk stuff up to coincidence so many times. There is divine happenings going on. Once again a prayer well an answer, a direction....seek and ye shell find right? Well They came to me instead of me finding them. It's just wild how that does occur.
The tithing falls under the finances, then there is the lust issues, self denial (or lack thereof) are the huge issues. The ones eating away....no the ones that start a block in my faith. Yet I am tearing down more than I am building up. Tear down two blocks of sin and tear down one. Every brick one at a time. Today was well mixed. I had to take the car in early to the dealer, after getting home at 3am, be at the dealer at 9am, so I was up at 8am, caught the bus at 10am, got off downtown, walked 5 large blocks in less than 20 minutes (with two traffic lights stopping me) then caught the bus back home and got here near 12. Took nap, went to get car, took nap (naps were 1 hour in length) and cooked up some horrible food idea. Now sitting here in pondering when to take a shower to get ready for group tonight. Just looking back on things. Knowing that I will have to venture into the darker waters and overcome some battles. Turbulence it can be called. I think much of the root of things is selfishness. Why else do I not say no when I ought to? So I have tried thinking of others more such as helping at Jeff street Men's shelter and moving folks etc. Becoming involved in other peoples lives or at least being there has helped. As I seemingly lessen the selfishness. I start to look around me and upwards. I still have a long ways to go but this is where I really falter in my walk. This is one area I need constant prayer on in order to overcome this. I need to realize that God will provide as he always has. I need to let him, and when he does I need to go with the flow. Drawing upon his strength and grace to enable us to overcome whatever mess we get ourselves in is, well awesome. I am starting to redefine that word. As when it happens in it's true form words cannot express it. Only feelings can feel awesome, not words. I do thank all those who left kind words on the last few blogs. The one that stuck out was the one about taking care of the Lord's tenth....am I giving back to him and through him enabling giving to others? Draw to him to replace lust, greed, and pleasures that I seemingly keep trying to take care of myself, sounds like pride to me. Great thoughts. Breathe. Smile. Cry. Jump. Scream. Shout. Live.
posted by Tom at 4:27 PM
3 comments
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Today was a nice day. Except for my car freaked me out. My brakes are making noises they should not be. I called the dealer and I hope they will fix this at no charge. Otherwise I may be in a jam. Since I just got the car, havnt had it three weeks, and not even made my first payment yet....I hope they can do something about it. And there is already the matter with the trunk and starter is goofing off. Not a great time.
Why is it that when I really try to start a budget and clear up some finances, things like this happen? I guess more Dave Ramsey show for me. But I know I need to get with a second job somewhere for a few months. It's just where. To be honest I am still burned out from last time. Filled out a bunch of apps and got nothing out of any of them. Spent so much time and got no where. But I need to overcome this and do it again. Today I talked with Daniel about the partnership. It went very well. One point that did come up about the tithing....I really feel guilty when this comes up. I am stretched tight as it is and it's hard to get there. Now will the grace of God get me through to the point where I am making money to tithe and give away to support? Maybe it's still me trying to be the hero. I see that God has been working and maybe some great things are on the horizon...maybe not, then again living a life more so through Christ is a great thing. But the one part that gets me is when Daniel asked a question at the very end. Now this is so wild I smile and laugh at it. I can't belive that I was asked as it is something I have been praying about and instead of me finding the answer, it came to me. Right on the front porch while I was there. God's timing....Its well no words can tell of how great it is. The path is getting bumpy, or challenging. But thats the glory and the fun of it. Things are about to get ...well something. Something good. WHen I reflect upon this, I smile. Comfort.
posted by Tom at 10:40 PM
5 comments
Yesterday was a bad day. Physically it was a bad day. I was dizzy and felt like I would faint. I would eat and feel somewhat better until the next episode. Yesterday sucked. Needless to say I did get somewhat freaked out.
But my heart tells me that I got too comfortable again and got back up on the pride horse again. I must be freakin great at it cuz I can do it blindly. Im a master hahaha. But really it seems on my heart my own iniquities are weighing in. Not weighing down, but in. I think this is part of the check-up I was praying for. I may not be the best detective, but I know when something is amiss or if there is something going on. I may be wrong about what it is, but I know things are going on or not going on. As with my faith, I am re-evaluating a great many a thing. But mainly the withdrawl from god, or my sins. I know that I feel I am doing somehting good and worthwhile but the "wannabe hero" inside may be driving the train tooo much. And therefore negating my heart's original desire and motivation. So my heart says stop putting so much into worldy things, money (even thoguh I just want to get out of debt and then give lots away to folks who NEED it), friendships, fun, everything...unless it is through him. Focus on Him first. And the rest will start taking it's place. Even if somethng bad happens knowing it is god's will so far seems to help. Today I am to meet for my second partnership meeting. That and hopefully go over some stuff for the Jeff Street website project. I am hoping this does well. So to make a long story short, yes things are going good, even with yesterday sucked, but I do not need to get too wrapped up in it that I forget to submit all to god. and ALL means ALLL and I think that is where I have the problem. There are a few areas that I find it rather difficult to give up to him.
posted by Tom at 9:13 AM
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Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Last night was a good night. A few things were pointed out to me when I was doing some good reading. One of those heavy things, very convicting stuff. SO now I need a good check to see where my heart is. Becasue I know it isn't.
Vodie Bachuam is very good and passionate at his speakings. Very convicting. And amazingly a Southern Baptist. I think this must be my destiny as it seems to continually enter into my life. But really where my heart is at right now...needs to be mroe Christ cenetered. And I know that I seemed to get too comfortable and overlooked a few things. I know there are a few responsabilities I need to become mroe active in. I think that my health is now being effected. I need to work on a few things. Before I slip too far out of control.
posted by Tom at 9:52 AM
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Friday, July 08, 2005
OK last nights insomnia was the worst I have experienced in a long time. Was up until almost 9am, and had to drink some serious whiskey to try knocking myself out. It worked in a few minutes. I hate insomnia. It sets in frustration and then anger and then im wired awake again. But now with some sleep I am feeling better....for now.
Knowing that sleep won't come easily if I were to just pray for it. So I did not even ask asi I would be up more thinking about how I was not asleep when I wanted to be. Today is good so far. I have the stock photo store set up. Now to try and market this so that I can make a few dollars. It would be great if this turns into extra income, at least enough to pay some bills and get caught up. And then hopefully the video project takes off in a month or two bringing in a few extra dollars too. Now its play it wise, not get greedy, play it slow, and organize....mold the caly on this project. WHich means being respponsible...great, thats a word grown-ups use....I am scared, terrified even haha. Now prayer life...this is important and now I have both praise and requests to cling to God for. Praise for allthe good he has done of course, yet also here comes the part where I must really depend on him. Last night I set in motion again to get in touch with the 4th person I need to set things clear with. And I got an email this morning on it. Not from her but from the person who said she would be more than glad to forward the message on to her. So now this issue is in God's hands. And really this could go three ways, Good, Bad, or nowhere. There has been so many years of nothing I forgot a lot of things and of course people change. So I do not know and I am going into this blind with only a few memories and what faith I do have is turning to God more and More. I am scared very much, in fact I think that was a great part of my insomnia last night. I could loose all or none. I could be making a mountin of an anthill yet I could be making an anthill of a mountain. But prayers are answered on God's terms when we need it not when we want it. "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. "Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. (Matthew 7:7-12 NIV) But asking that HIS will be done, not mine. Praying for acceptance of his will, praying so that I not be judegemental, and praying I become more dependant on him. From reading "Growing your faith" I see the second "book-end" is knowing we can't do anything alone, we need his power and strength to make it through. But once again, even thoguth still scared (anxiety might be a better word) just knwong things are in his hands brings confort.
posted by Tom at 2:27 PM
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Just a late night pondering, but knowing that I want to get out of debt money (which wreaks of greed) seems to be a major factor in it. As in driving force. I want out of debt. Things are in place yes....but why is it the thoughts of making money coem across more than bringing glory and honor to god? I think there is a way with this new idea to do both. But use it as fellowship....evangelize some.....a ministry.
One thing I have always loved doing, was capturing life and the essence of people...how can I use that for God....and will I get too carried away that I forget it's about God? So far the Psalms a day is ok, but not as deep as I want it to be. But all is well. I feel good about it. God is working. I am that child as I am asking as many questions as if I were a child. This concludes yet another late night after work thoughts. Late nights for the next week and a half!!! Yee-Haw!!! Work...if you can't find the job you love, create the job you love...within reason :)
posted by Tom at 3:08 AM
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Thursday, July 07, 2005
I just read a blog that may haunt me. I hope to re-read it tomorrow at some point. It is the blog of the man accused of killing the family in Idaho and kidnapping the two young children.
He talked of his demons, of crying out to God...This is spooky. And of course many people commented on his blog entries, some tried to comfort him. After this went public and it was found who he was......well the comments turned ugly. http://fifthnail.blogspot.com/ If you choose to read....it's hard to stomach if this is the guy. I can't even begin to think as its not just a guy, a fugative, murderer....and deals with God and him loosing his religion. This is some messed up stuff. A mans's battle with sin, demons, and God...and the results....well looking at them as a horrible act is one thing...but looking at this as God's plan is another. I hate to see the family dead and so many lives messed up, but what is God's plan and how will this all unfold? Read it soon before the Gov takes it offline for the trial. I am sure it will be used if it isnt already. I know one thing his blog is getting some serious hits and traffic.
posted by Tom at 8:35 PM
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WOke up sorta early today. Got some sleep though. Felt good. Not the best but not to bad. I did wake up and got straight to business, sent a few emails and even called the bank to settle a few things out. And saved myself some money form possible late charges etc. Read some, downloaded lotta sermons from Voddie Bachaum, even made another picture or two for sale. For the most part productive. Then I had a very nice nap. Crazy dream in that nap.
I am feeling better than I was last night. There are a few other issues that have arisen that I need to work through. But so far keeping them in prayer has helped me keep my focus on it all. No CG tonight as too many folks are sick. So that sucks two fold as no group expereince sharing christ, but two friends are sick. Then again there are a few friends all around I am praying for. I just hope I can keep this up and not get worn out in my prayer time. That and get too presumptous or judegemental in my prayer time, I feel as I am commanding God to bless this and that, etc but I should focus that things are done to HIS will not becasue I wouild like them to. Anyways, off to hopefully a quick paced easy work shift tonight....I hope.
posted by Tom at 5:08 PM
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Wednesday, July 06, 2005
OK it sucks and sucks your soul away. ALso I think I am now borderlined sick....great.....I took ny quil and feel quesy when I am awake, and too wound up when I try to sleep. Yeah sick time.
I just feel so physicall sick right now, light headed and out. I can't sleep. IN fact lets see how many typos I make tonight and then erase em in the morning. But I think back agian that God has it under control, not me. Time to take comfort and solice in that. His will be done, not mine.
posted by Tom at 11:44 PM
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Wow what a long day. Started at work when I relized oh yeah i was supposed to hepl some folks from Sojourn move tonight. So there went my lazy night. But it was all great. Its fun helping others move when several people show up.
Now shortly after lunch I got tired. Not "I ate too much" tired but a "It's late night tired" where I tried not to doze off all day. So I cut the day short as my productivity, well the stock market crash was rated higher. Now since I am universal....I fit in to may crowds but not into any one crowd...I was able to observe a few things. Girls are silly hahha. At one point of the night I walked in to see if I could help and they said they were talking about wedding stuff....So I made an apporpriate face and darted out of there. Which produced many a laugh but still I was moving fast. It was funny watching the gurls interact....they are definatly a different species. Weird huh? Now then comes the possible depressing part....it seems everyone is getting hooked up with someone recently, or married even. Wow and I sit here at the end of the line....but I cant find the end of the line. I really am happy for them all. It was funny watching what they do in the early stages and see how giddy they all are. Girls and boys....err guys. Im not going to dwell on it cuz I am sure at some point I could get all depressed about it. Kinda like in high school being picked last for the teams. If picked at all. Often times I was the one forced to a team since no one else wanted me. Anyways. Prayer and devotionals have been better. Seem to be more focused if anything. But at one point I thoguth just knowng all this is in God's hands....well thats all I needed to think as I moved onto the next thought and felt better somewhat. I wished I could apply that a wee bit more often in my current life and the many other situations. I hop I get some good rest tonight. As I cant find the underlying reason I cant sleep. Im not depressed, things are ok in life this last few days and yet I stay up with thoughts racing so much. So needless to say I am worn out and for some reason something is int the corner or one of my eyes and I cant get it out as its itchy and watery and I cant find any reaso for it to be doing that. But also getting ideas gathered up for a possible business venture. That and looking forward to a few meetings to get things taken care of and into the next level. WHo knows. It's a long journey, one day at a time.
posted by Tom at 8:15 PM
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I hate being tired. Seems my insomnia has decided to pay me a visit again. More frequently thant I would like for it to. Then again one visit is more than enough. So needless to say it is hard to get sellpe and wake up when I would like to. I am tired enough but too mnay thoughts running through my head.
At least this time I stayed into prayer. It didn't help speed along the slumber but it did help me work through it all and felt better focusing in on something different. I have changed my prayers slightly to help me in my relationships , well the ones for accountability and church. TO better understand, no more so to better become who I need to be, to better understand what I can do to help the other persons and gain from them. How can I provide better for them and for myself. SO really praying for the accountability and faith relationships to grow inside and out. Also praying that things actually stick that I not forget them after reading them as one would look in a mirror and forget what they look like when they walk away. ANd searching, even better discovering who all are either lost or at least somewhere near the same path as I am. Help draw strength from one another. But I fear that I as always can't convince anyone. My faith is my own, I can share others but none seem to be able to share mine. It has been this way for a long time. But noneth less I want to keep on going into whatever direction and to whoever God leads me to. I just wished I had skills of convincing....where peoplle see past just "good ol' Tom" and nothing more. THere seems to be some events unfolding that can either bring forth a second and mayhaps third income. But one of those can turn into a minstry. And that I am excited about. I hope to get started on that here this week so by Sunday I can have something presented or at least ioned out somewhat. Very exciting if it comes about. Yeah I have a few downers (complaints), and I have a few possabilities (very good and exciting ones) but for now this is I strongly feel where God wants me to be. And taking things one day at a time until then is my goal. Molding.
posted by Tom at 8:04 AM
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Sunday, July 03, 2005
Today's sermon is exactly what I needed. A start. Todays time with Trent was what I needed. A start.
This is why I love God. He is that father that lets us out to play in out white (Christ Righteous White) robes to only return with mud and grass and stained from all sorts of earth on it. And he gives us a new robe each and every time. He is calling me back home. Much like the child who wanders too far from the porch the parent will call them back closer to the house. But today was good. I got a chance to re-focus on a few things. Stop and look at them. And I think I may have had a point come across my heart that I might want to look into. Am I runing away or avoiding desperation and sorrow? Rather than facing them and focusing on it? Is this what is keeping me from God and his glory? Am I scared of witnessing? worshiping? Is the word taking root in my heart? It isn't sticking but why? I am not facing something. I fear my heart is not burdened enough to get back up. Right now I think it is but the last two weeks I don't think it was and is. Much like the alcaholic that must hit rock bottom before coming back up. Do I need to force myself to hit rock bottom before I come back up? To where I was? To where God wants me to be? Has legalism allowed me to take a blind step into a slope and fall into this valley? Am I running from God as I may be "worn out" from life or what have you, but I am afraid of what God wants me to do? Afraid of that depseration? That fear? Do I trust God? I dont know that I do. Why else would I be this way?I havnt really let go have I? Why then do I settle for less? Why do I not practice the disciplines I have learned? Why do I forget like looking into a mirror and looking away? But Psalms 119 has so much to offer. I am thinking about praying one part of it for a while, every day. At least to let it sink in my head and really ponder and meditate upon its' meaning. It is a cry for help and asking God for so much. A prayer to open my eyes so that I may see, to understand his teachings, to teach me in his ways, to mediate upon his ways, and to then teach others of his ways, to then use myself as an instrument of God. Actually I have a project I think I will do to help me remeber them, the parts of psalms 119. Each section was done to a letter in the, aramic (i think) alphabet. I want on a peach of old tan like (parchemnt) paper in caligraphy each letter of the verses that stick out to me. Make a card for my wallet, one for my car, and one for work. Just be a picture that I look at and remember. To remeber to ask God to show me the ways, to teach me and so much more. Open my eyes so that I may see. Psalms 119:18 Open my eyes, that I may beholdNASB Psalms 119:33-40 Teach me, O LORD, to follow your decrees; This was today. And for that I am thankful.
posted by Tom at 10:50 PM
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Saturday, July 02, 2005
While I wait for the next art of the paper to come out and listening to my Ipod and the christian music, sermons, and Dave Ramsey....it has me thinking a time or two. I think when I go home I will finish Ecclesaiteies. It is a good thinking book of the bible so far from what I have seen of it.
I am really trying to get a few things with God to stick to my head and heart. Like things here are not forever so cherish what we have and enjoy life, worship and live for God. But alas I am programmed, like everyone else, that here and now is the way to go. I can't wait untill tomorrow sermon. It's more on Psalms 119. I hope to get someone else into the sermon as much as I am. I have not been able to have any discussions about this. No one either has read it, or I cannot get them into a conversation about it. Maybe tomorrow I can get a good discussion about it. That and tomorrow will be the first time me and Trent have gotten to hang out in nearly a month. And then after Sojourn tomorrow hopefuly going to talk some video business ideas or something to get thigns going. And its a new episode of the Family Guy and no work tomorrow night ahhhhhhhh. But lately I have gotten lost in life and away from God. And it seems I have not had anyone to talk to or "process through" things. My prayer life is starting to come back to normal....no it isnt. It is still far far far beyond where it needs to be. Below rather. Listening to some of these sermons and songs....really has me feeling things, but still I feel them all at a distance. Just wrapped up in my own sins and boredom. I guess I am back to not feeling there is anyone to talk to and journey in the walk. It comes in phases? No but I know myself I am in phases where I need that extra voice of reason. I think tomorrow I will talk to Daniel if I can. I just feel out of place among this all....like I dont quite fit in or am on the track that God wants me on. Or a stall on the tracks mayhaps? It's not to bad but then not great either. It is a long journey. But it is hard after listening to only my own voice....Tomorrow will be good. I will make a few appointments for the week to hang out with some folks and friends at sojourn a night or two. Yeah I think that would be good. I just need to get back into the connective prayer. I did speak with my Mom and brother today. It was ok but I still kept myself distant. My mom wants to visit but I dont think I want her to. I just don't want to see her just yet. But observe what god wants out of it all first. I have been thinking and praying for others alot this week too. I still wish I could make them more heart felt. It is like there is no burden, no emergency, little sincerty. Where is my heart in my prayers and thoughs of friends? I know that others are looking up to me in respect for being there for others. I am not anything special, I just do what feels right and think nothing of it. But there is still something very shallow about all of this. And I do not know what. Where is my heart? I feel I only do it for making others like me or respect me...do I? I for some reason have not convinced myself otherwise. In other news lust is still a huge issue. Finances are getting a little better. At least at getting a game plan. Things are going to be very tight for a month or two, but things are about to get better. Well at least more do-able. The lusts and other selfish sins.....I cannot say. I fear I am loosing those battles but gaining in others. Well not really it's more like not sticking to the values and disciplines to become more holy. Loosing a grip on it would be a good way of looking at it. Oh well it's late, I have a headache, and am waiting for work so I can do it and get out of here. focus: my heart
posted by Tom at 10:49 PM
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Friday, July 01, 2005
Well the storm last ngiht knocked out power to 6,600 residents, guess which one I was? So yeah I am sitting here and then the power goes out for a nice 4-5 hours. In fact I woke up to the power coming back on sometimes near 4am.
At first I started cleaning up a lil around here in candle light. Then I tried to read the bible by candle light which was cool. Then I got well bored....I cannot stand silence so I sleep with a fan on year round and to not hear this drove me nuts. So I got my camera out and took pictures of my bible via candle light. Since there were no street lights coming in from outside this was the best time for me to play with candles and photography. And as much as I did not want to make this a photo blog.....here we go.    This has been a long week though. Helping at Jeff St, helping a friend get stuff for moving, a cook out, a concert, in fact this is the first "Me" time I think I have had really. And I am spending it being lazy. I do not want to start going off on my thoguths right about now...as it can get too much for me I think. Too long winded. But the good news is I relooked at some finances and I am in a better shape than I thoguht. Yes this next month or so will suck
posted by Tom at 10:14 AM
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