Today's sermon is exactly what I needed. A start. Todays time with Trent was what I needed. A start.

This is why I love God. He is that father that lets us out to play in out white (Christ Righteous White) robes to only return with mud and grass and stained from all sorts of earth on it. And he gives us a new robe each and every time.

He is calling me back home. Much like the child who wanders too far from the porch the parent will call them back closer to the house. But today was good. I got a chance to re-focus on a few things. Stop and look at them. And I think I may have had a point come across my heart that I might want to look into.

Am I runing away or avoiding desperation and sorrow? Rather than facing them and focusing on it? Is this what is keeping me from God and his glory? Am I scared of witnessing? worshiping? Is the word taking root in my heart? It isn't sticking but why? I am not facing something.

I fear my heart is not burdened enough to get back up. Right now I think it is but the last two weeks I don't think it was and is. Much like the alcaholic that must hit rock bottom before coming back up. Do I need to force myself to hit rock bottom before I come back up? To where I was? To where God wants me to be?

Has legalism allowed me to take a blind step into a slope and fall into this valley? Am I running from God as I may be "worn out" from life or what have you, but I am afraid of what God wants me to do? Afraid of that depseration? That fear? Do I trust God? I dont know that I do. Why else would I be this way?I havnt really let go have I? Why then do I settle for less? Why do I not practice the disciplines I have learned? Why do I forget like looking into a mirror and looking away?

But Psalms 119 has so much to offer. I am thinking about praying one part of it for a while, every day. At least to let it sink in my head and really ponder and meditate upon its' meaning. It is a cry for help and asking God for so much. A prayer to open my eyes so that I may see, to understand his teachings, to teach me in his ways, to mediate upon his ways, and to then teach others of his ways, to then use myself as an instrument of God.

Actually I have a project I think I will do to help me remeber them, the parts of psalms 119. Each section was done to a letter in the, aramic (i think) alphabet. I want on a peach of old tan like (parchemnt) paper in caligraphy each letter of the verses that stick out to me. Make a card for my wallet, one for my car, and one for work. Just be a picture that I look at and remember.

To remeber to ask God to show me the ways, to teach me and so much more. Open my eyes so that I may see.

Psalms 119:18

Open my eyes, that I may behold
Wonderful things from Your law.

NASB

Psalms 119:33-40

Teach me, O LORD, to follow your decrees;
then I will keep them to the end.
Give me understanding, and I will keep your law
and obey it with all my heart.
Direct me in the path of your commands,
for there I find delight.
Turn my heart toward your statutes
and not toward selfish gain.
Turn my eyes away from worthless things;
preserve my life according to your word.
Fulfill your promise to your servant,
so that you may be feared.
Take away the disgrace I dread,
for your laws are good.
How I long for your precepts!
Preserve my life in your righteousness.

This was today. And for that I am thankful.