While I wait for the next art of the paper to come out and listening to my Ipod and the christian music, sermons, and Dave Ramsey....it has me thinking a time or two. I think when I go home I will finish Ecclesaiteies. It is a good thinking book of the bible so far from what I have seen of it.

I am really trying to get a few things with God to stick to my head and heart. Like things here are not forever so cherish what we have and enjoy life, worship and live for God. But alas I am programmed, like everyone else, that here and now is the way to go.

I can't wait untill tomorrow sermon. It's more on Psalms 119. I hope to get someone else into the sermon as much as I am. I have not been able to have any discussions about this. No one either has read it, or I cannot get them into a conversation about it. Maybe tomorrow I can get a good discussion about it.

That and tomorrow will be the first time me and Trent have gotten to hang out in nearly a month. And then after Sojourn tomorrow hopefuly going to talk some video business ideas or something to get thigns going. And its a new episode of the Family Guy and no work tomorrow night ahhhhhhhh.

But lately I have gotten lost in life and away from God. And it seems I have not had anyone to talk to or "process through" things. My prayer life is starting to come back to normal....no it isnt. It is still far far far beyond where it needs to be. Below rather.

Listening to some of these sermons and songs....really has me feeling things, but still I feel them all at a distance. Just wrapped up in my own sins and boredom.

I guess I am back to not feeling there is anyone to talk to and journey in the walk. It comes in phases? No but I know myself I am in phases where I need that extra voice of reason. I think tomorrow I will talk to Daniel if I can. I just feel out of place among this all....like I dont quite fit in or am on the track that God wants me on. Or a stall on the tracks mayhaps?

It's not to bad but then not great either. It is a long journey. But it is hard after listening to only my own voice....Tomorrow will be good. I will make a few appointments for the week to hang out with some folks and friends at sojourn a night or two.

Yeah I think that would be good. I just need to get back into the connective prayer. I did speak with my Mom and brother today. It was ok but I still kept myself distant. My mom wants to visit but I dont think I want her to. I just don't want to see her just yet. But observe what god wants out of it all first.

I have been thinking and praying for others alot this week too. I still wish I could make them more heart felt. It is like there is no burden, no emergency, little sincerty. Where is my heart in my prayers and thoughs of friends? I know that others are looking up to me in respect for being there for others. I am not anything special, I just do what feels right and think nothing of it. But there is still something very shallow about all of this. And I do not know what. Where is my heart? I feel I only do it for making others like me or respect me...do I? I for some reason have not convinced myself otherwise.

In other news lust is still a huge issue. Finances are getting a little better. At least at getting a game plan. Things are going to be very tight for a month or two, but things are about to get better. Well at least more do-able. The lusts and other selfish sins.....I cannot say. I fear I am loosing those battles but gaining in others. Well not really it's more like not sticking to the values and disciplines to become more holy. Loosing a grip on it would be a good way of looking at it.

Oh well it's late, I have a headache, and am waiting for work so I can do it and get out of here.

focus: my heart