Ya know I look at a lot of my problems and think its so bad, woe is me, how can this be happening to me end of the world typwe stuff. And then there are far greater problems and I look and think....I am a whiney bastahd! Hahahows that for a substitute word?

Facing certain issues let's say finances. I am pretty well in debt mostly from school loans. In fact I am now with the car etc somewhere over 50k in the hole. This can take some time to clean up. I get worried over these things and well get uneasy and try so many scenrios in my head the stress just compiles on top of itself, receycles, and then re compiles ontop of itself again.

Then there is one guy with a huge issue. The half ton man as reported on yahoo news has in a year lost half his weight. HALF of it!!!! And I can't even get my fat...um self motivated to stick to something and loose just 50lbs. What am I doing and complaining about things being bad? This man wanted the change and has worked hard for this. He felt his ribs for the first time in years and was amazed. Something so simple we think gee it's just ribs......

Where am I at now? I don't know. I think today I will talk to the pastor at Sojourn and set up a meeting. I can see where I really need it now. To put into Jedi terms I am strong with the force but I can still be easily persuaded and fail. My heart is there but my mind is not. I fail myself so many times by taking care of myself, or being good to myself for me. Instead of dealing with something less or discomfort, I take the me of now rather than the me of then.

Very fragile right now in my faith. I have come a long ways and have made some real progress but now is the time to live up to myself, my word, and become.

Today is good. I got some music playinig again and feel good. Got my friends going away party today. So I may sneak out after communion or directly after service.

Thinking about now and then tomorrow...I want God in it so very much. But I seem to get in the way.

Transformation