Since my second partnership meeting much has been weighing on my heart. Very much indeed. It is the whole double life I live that is effecting me. Its a war on my soul, my life. So I thought I would get real honest about things. See where it goes.

Lust
I seem to battle this more than I was originally aware of. But the closer I have drawn towards God the more I see it being an issue. This world revolves around sex. Even self worth is based on sex and sexual appearance. I grow tired of looking around at women all the time. I really like to see the person but it seems in this season of summer everyone finding love I see what I lack and then desire it even more. The physical sensation is too much. And I grow tired of reading books that deal with sex in Christian life for married couples. It seems that the single folk are left out to dry and continue in sin. For me I know that most of sex is fulfilling a need, a desire to be desired, to feel wanted. To not be alone. I can't get away from porn. Much like the other sins and issues that slave me, the closer away I get the harder it becomes. I saw my first porn mag when I was 7. And how it has changed my life.

Finances
I seem to spend more money than I like at times but there are also a great many times where random events like going to the doctor, tire going flat, hidden bills, sheriff coming to my door with a summons, ya know stuff like that is why I can't ever seem to get on a budget. And I feel guilty when I do not tithe. I am a very bad steward.

Selfish Pride
I know that I am very selfish. I cant even say no to myself. I try and I do good often times but I loose focus on where I am going and worry about now. I have had rough times and want to be nice to myself and feel good. But I get to steeled into that and forget to listen to others. I do not give them the focus and attention they deserve and are asking for. I am trying to be the hero and make them like me...to be like me rather...I get prideful thinking if I can get others up here with me we would all be ok. I am wanting to be there for myself that I an mot often enough stepping down form myself to be there with others and for theirs through Christ. Who sets great examples, the example even yet I do not follow as often as I should.

Health
I worry and dream of a life where I am not tired a lot. Where I am not out of breath going up a flight of stairs. I am large framed yes, and tall, so I know I will always have some weight, but I go back and forth in weight and I cannot seem to stay on any program or regimen. I give up. I hate doing things alone. I know that if I were to become more active and walking more often and drinking more water I would be doing good. I start up for a few days and then stop. I grow tired and frustrated feeling I carry this burden alone and not able to get any help on this. I know what I need to do but it would be good to not do them alone.

So I sit back and think of all this and a grieve. I do not like this double life. I do not stick with the power of Christ and yet I desire human contact more so than Christ's. Why is his examples and power and glory not enough for me? I am not dependent enough on God yet. Yet I grow tired knowing that I cannot live like this any longer. I should not be spending money when I ought not to, I should be self sacrificing, I should be telling myself no, I should not be lusting after women, I should not be eating unhealthy and sitting around letting my body grow unhealthy....NO NO NO I cannot tell myself NO.

I say yes to all these things. When I know that I ought not to do them. But knowing that it is in Christ that these things must be battled. In Christ can this only be accomplished. In Christ alone. Where is my heart?

Lord knows I am trying, but not trying hard enough.