Well the last two days have been good. There is still much I am reflecting upon and trying to regain focus. But there is much that has come to my attention this week. I hope that this weekend and before I can get a few thigns together and somewhat whole.

This weekend I can go to the financial seminar at Sojourn. This I am hoping not only to rehear what I need to rehear, but maybe find someone for support or accountability. The accountability has helped alot in my battles for sexual purity. So why would it not help here. I have been seeking others but no luck. This way I might get those who are in it. Who knows. I know that I am tired of having to walk this part of life alone. It gets me no where.

Then comes the physical aspect. I did not think of it but I might try to ask two other folks to walk with me in this area, where we all could gain from it. I get in a rut of doing it alone and then give up. I get so bored with it. even in prayer I try so hard to keep at it...but it dies.

Last week I was on the treadmill three times and it felt great. Not super great but I noticed there were certain temptaions like fried foods, that I was not tempted by as much. Now after a day or two of eating wild I am back up where I was, but I know I can get back down there again. I think I just might go again tonight. It's been a great time for listening to sermons and audiobooks.

Also it has not lead to any sexual temptations, well it has reduced it rather. So maybe a part of it was this stress never burned off, all this energy turned negative. Not to mention it is healthy for me. I do not know how long I can keep this up on my own, not much longer I fear. So I am hoping to find someone to help walk with me in this area as well.

It does only come to two areas of life, money and health, that I need the help on. Then there might be some more inner stuff emotionally, but that is anather story.

But it seems that things have come up lately like Monday where every roadblock openend another turn. A whole day of no's turned into a day full of yes. Things got taken care of.

But it comes to the process of where is my heart, and is it with God? Sometimes I wander if God is there or not. That's when I pray as I know I am supposed to but not know to who. But I still pray. It does get hard at times when there is no person for me to relate to God. Its a being rahter than a person, something tangible, physical, concrete, and there.

But I have had a few good days. Maybe I should find a way to celebrate that. But for me a celebration is so much work it can become a burden just to do that. Sometimes I feel I should be thankful and move on. Now something huge like a new job, that's a night out! But a few thigns good...I dont celebrate them. I do not know how. And being that it will be only myself celebration, is almost celebrating being single. I guess with a lack of people in my life I choose to do without in so many ways.

I will continue to learn to love and to serve. And that desire is growing for a deeper level as well.

So today I hope I can let things go and watch for divine intervention instead of looking it as things that happen. easier said than done I know.