Last ngiht I did some good reading. I did Proverbs 30-31. Both were real good. In fact it got me thinking again. It felt good to ba back reading. I also read several other verses that I have noted throughout the week. Some were better the first time I heard them but now do not effect me as much. I also need to go back to Jeremiah. It has some deep stuff there too.

The high point was where I wrote down the things that I am struggling with understanding in my faith. And there was more than I thoguht. I will keep them until I find one I can talk to one day.

I tried to talk to someone the other night and all I got was a burden trip. Since I could not plan out life or anything. I am glad I did not have a gun or was suicidal as no one could talk me out of it...or would. It wasn't that bad but it could have been presented differently. It was not a christianly love way at all I thought. Not at first but when it did get to that point the damage was already done.

I can't talk to anyone as I try but they have more important things to do than to help a brother in christ out. So it's still with me and God. I am still very angry at so many people where I try to call as I could use a voice of another christian but they have a tv show that's more important to watch. This happens so very often. So one has fun watching tv and then the other sits n suffers with a heavy heart.

It's times like that is when sin comes into play for me.

Anyways my current relationship with God is still in a rebuild stage, or re-strengthening stage rather. And it comes back to just God. It hurts when i do not have that feedback. In fact I often wander if that is part of the reason I am having many questions on my faith. To the point it is slightly effecting some of my beleifs.

I am starting to feel that christianity is an every man for themselves religion. I know this is not hte case but it is what I see so very often.

Life is one day at a time for me right now. So I deal with the anger and frustration daily too. It stays with me. It has no where to go.

I also think I am putting too much into the possible new job. I keep looking for light at the end of the tunnel and I think that is taking time and focus away from God. I want to know that releif is on it's way. Otherwise I am feeling trapped as nothing will change at work. My health suffers as does my sleep due to this. I miss so much and force my body awake past its limits all the time. And I get no thanks for it at all.

The good news is last night was nice. I did get some focus I was after. But still many questions and much anger and frustration remain.