Last night was not a complete waste. there was a great point made. It was that even though we may confess our sins to one another, do we actually take them to god? That was very convicting. I know my sins need to be taken to him rather than just admitted to man upon command. It is good to confess towards one another but it is not the only thing we should do about it.

In other words there is one dream I have to serve the new community but no way of doing so at this time. Yet if this new job comes in I can do it. It will give me a way of serving the community...if it is God's will that is. So this too needs to be taken into prayer and make sure that it does not become an idol in my life. I already have a few.

But back to the book from Jerry Bridges The pursuit of holiness is like dropping my heart into a bag of razor blades as it is very deep cutting. In fact it came to me a lot last night. Especially with the way I felt after service. Yes I still have some major issues I want to work through concerning the bible etc. But my sins. The ones that live with me. These need to be taken a look into.

I have been really looking into sex a lot lately. Sex, porn, lust, addiction etc. But where does all this fit in with God? So far it hasn't, well not as much as it should have. Last night, even though I did not act out or anything, I actively searched porn, or my flavor of it, just to fantasize and let my mind live in another world for a while where I had no issues of no one to talk to.

My battles over this area has been a blessing from God. Where as I do not want sex. In fact I more actively stay away from it. It all came back to selfish pride. I did things to put myself in my world, and not the one that God has made for me. It comes back to pride and then being with it for so long that i do not know how to get away and get out of that sin. I become a slave to my own desires.

From what I am seeing from searching porn and sex (the negative effects, life etc...not porn for pleasure) I see that it is very addicting. In fact it was said last night, I can't recall where, that sex is such a powerful force, in fact it was so powerful that God gave it to us. So needless to say that when it is not used in the holy way that God has made it for...it backfires and nearly becomes a curse than a blessing.

I don't know if it is the season or my sins coming back but the lustful thoughts are coming back. It hurts now to know the things that really attracted me to this lifestyle, now hurts me. And know that it must be given up in order to see God again. In fact one could say that sex is not a bad thing, yet when we take pleasure in sex rather than in God this is what is not good. This makes a God of sex. Much like the church in Corinthians...I think that's right.

How can I bow down to this sin, so much so now that even the slightest hint of it hurts as much as having sex with many people. This process God has me going through, this change, yes it does hurt. In fact it hurts a lot to know that what one brought me comfort I must no longer have. But knowing I am not alone is such a help. But I fail them when i fail myself yet I fail in my relationship with God first and foremost.

I have been downloading many sermons and podcasts and one of them is the “Dirty little secrets” from xxxchurch.com. It has been amazing. To hear how they seek out pornstars and treat them with love and be human towards them. Helps them to see there is a better life and help them get out of it. In fact they are supporting one of them and moved her back to Indiana. I check out her blog and it's encouraging to see her changes. It isnt a pretty picture.

This is what I hate. Not just those in addictions but those in this certain area. Folks will come to you and tell you to stop. This sin is not a light switch. It is not a behavior to modify. The process takes a long time. Some days you want to tell the world to screw off and go away or even just bast in a day of sexual sin and imorality. Yet there are many who hate you because of this.But when it comes down to it it is not just lust it is not one sin. It is much deeper than that. It is deep rooted in the heart.

Many get into porn or sexual sins from a bad relationship as a child with a parent or family member. This was my story, in a nutshell. I had a mother that did not want to be around, a mother that hurt me many times. Then finding porn at a very young age and then puberty happened and that was it. Then mistreated at school and not have a supportive family unit I had nothing. But sex and a fetish really came to me. It gave me a world to hide from.

Even when I was going to church and even after my baptism that I still took place with this life. I started down the path then towards Christ. Sex stayed with me as much and then more than my desire for Christ did. Yet now I see that sex and god cannot happen together...well not like it is. My own pride and lust has became a master and it is so very hard. I want to go back to that so many times. But if I ever want a holy relationship with a woman to call my wife, I must not walk back down that path again. Same with my relationship with God. Man cannot serve two masters. Like many God's grace brought me out of it. I was shown another light, another way showing there is a way out. There is a greater sensation that masturbation or fantasizing on lustful thoughts.

This became my relationships. I used that to take the place of the connection to others. Even last night when I skirted along the edge of the cliff, I chose that old relationship of fantasy, of whatever I created in my mind, and not the relationship with God. With the one that showed me the way out.

But there are many that have not made it out of this sin. There are many who refuse and indulge it on a greater level. In fact one of the podcasts scared me. I was on that same path. But I had my limits. But I saw that it one takes one gateway before you get into more. In fact simple porn can lead you into bondage, abusive fetishes, prostitution, and then even drug use mixed in with sex.

One you are taken in by sinful life of sexual impurity, the road back is very difficult. But it can be done. You will not, I know I cannot go back alone. This I must take to God. This is just but one small area of my life that needs to be taken to him. This is where my dependence on him grows. It is not one sin, it is many. And it is deep rooted in my heart. My heart goes out to so many others that are in the same boat and that are striving daily to get out of it.

It is not easy. And when it comes to a certain point, we can see that it is God to get us out of it. That and it will take others to hold us accountable. Last night sucked a lot, yes. Instead of seeking God...I briefly started to turn back to the old ways. I, as many others, did wrong. A sin yes, yet a sin with a slap in the face towards god.

All this to say that there are many out there that are addicted to sex in some form or another. And living in a sex filled world I want to cry and scream. We see these people and write them off as evil. Yet they are among us everyday in all shapes and sizes. Please pray for them. Please pray for us. We are as human yet we have our hearts most often times so messed up, so hurt, and even so abused by others and ourselves that sexual sin takes on an entirely different meaning.

I do not see myself as an addicted person, I see myself with issues of the heart that need to change. We put so much into each other we forget to put it all into God for our salvation and help. It's a long process. But I have always liked to tell of a great story (think Narnia or Lord of the Rings) than to tell of a quick victory like a commercial on tv.

Once down that path, you can't turn back.

And here is a good verse to finish up on that has really helped me to see what this sanctification is doing in my life...and I pray that life of others struggling with this.

Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 peter 1:4-8 NIV