Ya know I really am starting to hate after service on Sundays. Especially today. I really could have used someone to talk to. I have read some scripture and I have a few thoughts that I am finding it difficult to understand or apply to my life and my walk. Yet no one could be found. I do not exsist. I stand around to no avail. I almost have to beg people to engage me in a conversation, at least one where they do not walk away from me for another conversation with someone.

Why is it the days that I could use the fellowship and counsel the most are the days I don't get anything. It feels nice if people were to come to me and let me know I am here and real. I do get to get a few drive by hi's. That's about it. I reach out and grasp nothing.

Which the upside is it does drive my dependance on God greater, yet it let's me yet again see that man fails me...alot. It's no freakin wander I can't see past myself on most days. I try to see others but that goes no where. I am growing so tired of this life. I fear that I will go to hell. Becasue I do not understand or see how to apply god's will. It's up to me and there is something I miss out on and no one to help....doomed to hell.

I do have some of the job prospect to look forward to. I do not know if I will get it or not. I hope that I do not get my hopes up as I do not want to be let down. Well it's like getting turned down for parole. Being told I must sit here and suffer even longer. I go to church tired and wear rather than rested.

It's hard for me to be there more for others when there is no one to show me an example. And yet when i do manage to get someone to talk to it's been a few days and I either found the answer otherwise or became numb to the question and disreguard it completly.

Great, I am trying to live the christian life, alone and by God alone....I struggle and there is no one. Why? Do I not struggle enough at work that throughout the week I struggle to want to do anything and want to be apart of someones life? Journey? I see community all around in church...yet not for me. When I struggle the most no one is around, when I am happy bouncin along with things everyone is there.

I am so tired of it.God is not enough at times. I want feedback, a report card something to tell me something back. Just not this guy who stands around with no one to talk to. I really do have some struggles that I need the bible to sit down and talk about...not to fuss and complain about something bad in life. Yet how to apply the word and unserstand the gospel.

Only God...I guess I will go onwards confused. But knowng that my relationship with God is suffering...well there is nothign I can do. Does anyone read this thing anymore? Do I even exsist?