I think that is the last time I eat something that weird before I go to bed. In fact may be last time I eat much of anything before bed. I am afraid one night I will die choking on vomit. As its happening more frequently. I sometimes wake up with something acidic in my throat. Which in some cases causes lots of coughing, and other times I just need to wash it down with a glass or two of water. Then I am fine. This only occurs when I am in bed and I wake up to this. Its hurts more than it is disgusting. But I do fear one day will be bad.

But anyways my dreams are so freakin weird. Last night was a combo of and old sega genesis game Golden Axe, Star wars, and then regular mixing of random stuff. Even in my dream I decided that goofing off and sleeping in a common area, I knew I had no chances with this girl (not for sex, just chances for a relationship/friendship)so I had went into another room and slept by myself. Even in rest I cant escape my weird pshychi. Or weirdness in general.

On a side note I love the warm summer nights, well the coolness that allows me to turn off the air and sleep with windows opened. Oh that feels sooooooooooooo wonderful. I love that. But the freakin 80 degress inthe day turns my place into an oven. But I love the nice cool crisp summer air. Makes me want to go out for a walk. Be nice to take a walk with a girl out in this weather one day. Feel sooooo nice.

But last night I got back onthe scale again. After looking at my weight again it hit me my weight and faith are going through the same thing. In fact I have the title for the next chapter in my book I hope to one day publish. I know I look more like 250, I wished I were. I am more 310. I know there are things I should or could do but I do not do them. Same thing with my faith. I just dont do them. Or I let things go and pretend they all will work themselves out. I am still making some progresses in faith this is true, but however I cannot seem to push through this lil hole in the wall to get to the other side.

This is what discipline is, and from psalms 15:4, to put simply we keep our word even if it will cause us pain. Same thing. I need to let go of somethings and push throough that hole in the wall and its gonna hurt, it's gonna cause suffering, it's gonna require loss and sacrifice, above all it's gonna require change. Knowing that my ways are in need of change for better more positive and health yet I do not do them. And that lack of discipline is a sin. As James tells us.

I guess I still need to be broken. Learning to say no, or learning to deal with less, learning to accept and mot dwell. Well this is where I am. Behind my own back I am rebuilding up the walls that God is helping me tear down. And knowing I do that it's hard to go back to him and ask to help me tear it down some more when only I hang on so tightly those bricks go back up. Not all of them but most of them.